• Member Since 29th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 27th, 2016

deli73


Mi estas sandviĉo.


E

While Twilight and her friends are off battling Discord, Jake Fizzle and Flora Mistwing are having an adventure of their own. They have been tasked with gathering up several dangerous magical objects which could threaten the lives and sanity of all the ponies in Equestria. However, Discord's shenanigans could make their job more difficult than they expected...

Co-written and edited by Dash-O-Salt, this Warehouse 13-inspired fanfiction takes place parallel to the Season 2 Premiere of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and is a prelude to an upcoming series involving its respective characters and several other fancharacters created by some of my friends.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 13 )

Here's your follow-up review.

I am deeply sorry not really that this is like a week late... :facehoof:

Anyway, I'm only reviewing the first two chapters because I'm lazy that's most equivalent to what you reviewed for me.

Grammar: 9/10

Pros: 1. The writing is very well-done, with barely any grammatical mistakes or mechanical issues.
2. This has a very promising plot, considering it being an OC story.
3. Collabs are very difficult to coordinate, and making the writers' voices sound in unison is almost impossible. That, however, was very well established here.


Cons: 1. (JSYK: Apple Bloom is two words and her eyes are green) Her characterization seems rather forced. Why is she so automatically accepting of a stranger? The entire first two chapters seem like boring exposition, including her conversation with Jake.
2. These OC's are given very little explanation nor detail. And why do they have human names?
3. The entire ordeal is very confusing for the reader. You could use more detail and try to space out the events more. It seems rushed.

In summary, it has a lot of potential, but needs a lot of cleaning up.

Good luck :)

3812460 Thanks! That's very helpful! Honestly I've never really seen Applebloom as particularly shy (remember Bridle Gossip?).
I know they have humanlike names, but it's not completely unheard of in Equestria. I can't think of any examples off the top of my head but I know there are some (Lyra Heartstrings. About as human as Jacob Fizzle is.). But it's too late to come up with better ones. I'll be sure to take all your advice into account! Thanks again!
(Also, are you SURE it's two words? Applejack isn't.)

Comment posted by deli73 deleted Jan 26th, 2014

3812460 I was actually confused for a minute ("Wait, I didn't review any of your stories..."):facehoof:
Apparently I completely forgot that you were the one that wrote "A Story With a Lack of E" and that was how I found you in the first place. :rainbowlaugh:

hehe, this was a rather enjoyable story.:twilightsmile:

I wouldn't mind seeing more from ya.:pinkiesmile:

4180193 Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. :twilightsmile:

content errors and suggestions:
1. where is twilight at the beginning of the story? is she in the Golden Oaks Library or somewhere else? I understand if you assume that readers will automatically know where they are in the season 2 MlP: FIM universe, but you also got to assume that the reader might be entirely new to the series as a whole and think Twilight lives in some random building in some random town in Equestria.
2. twilight's mane and tail color, the last time I checked, was a dark purple with a pin-stripe of pinkish purple [ I suggest looking at search results on Google.]
3.

The pink mare turned on a dime, running towards a meadow where a cloud that appeared to be made of cotton candy was spurting out a stream of chocolate milk. It was a veritable downpour.

sounds OK, but would this sound?
"The pink mare turned on a bit, and ran towards a meadow where a cloud the appeared to be made of pink, strawberry cotton candy was releasing a torrential down pour of what seemed to be chocolate milk. the downpour started to form a slurry of dirt, rocks, grass, and chocolate milk"
4.

She closed her eyes and began channeling.

.
can you explain this since in the next sentence, it says she is gathering energy.
5.

Absolutely nothing had changed.

needs to be retooled. expand upon it and give us details on what should've happened.

4558155 1. Well, it doesn't really matter in this context, but I just assume the reader knows she's at the library because, honestly, someone who hasn't watched at least a decent portion of the show shouldn't be reading fanfics yet. I will try to set the scene a little more explicitly next time, though, most of my stories won't have such an implied location. :twilightsheepish:
2. It would seem I have gotten some details wrong. Thank you for pointing that out. :twilightsmile:
3. Eh, the pony terminoligy there seems forced and kind of wrong. Plus, you ended two consecutive sentences with "chocolate milk", which sounds redundant. I appreciate the suggestion, but in this particular case I prefer my version.
(I do like your choice of adjectives, though. Very descriptive.)
4. Parts of this story were actually written by someone else (it was a collaborative effort), and I may not have explained my intentions for that scene quite right. With our sentences intermixing, it can get a bit confusing. Honestly, even I don't remember what I was going for in that part. :rainbowlaugh:
5. I was kind of trying to keep the exact purpose of the "fail-safe spell" somewhat mysterious. Explaining it would have taken away from the story, in my opinion, but I suppose it could be interpreted another way.

overall, this chapter was ok. the few issues that I have is:
1.

She had snapped out a grid pattern,

another issue two authors?
2.when it came to Apple Bloom and Discord there were a few issues:
a. you gave their names out before the character even introduced themselves to other characters in the story.
b. the physical description of Discord and Apple Bloom could need a bit more detail because all that was described for Discord was that he was a strange creature and Apple Bloom was a small, yellow filly. what made Discord different than say Spike or Celestia? you could hive a hint and not spill the entire can of figurative beans. What made Apple Bloom different than any random yellow filly? Expand a bit on descriptions and don't forget to use words that invoke the five senses to make the reader think they are literally in the world you create.

the downpour started to form a slurry of milk, dirt, grass, and rocks. the slurry soon grew into a large puddle."

re-edit of the latter half the suggestion #3

only error

Every time he got close to finding it the signature vanished into thin air.

recommend adding a comma between "it and "the"

besides the edits I put up in comments, I couldn't find any place to expand on details.
great work, mate!
if you don't want me as an editor for future projects, no hard feelings are held.

whenever I read and review a story, I would usually" give" a tank of equal rating in my personal view with A Pz.1 as the lowest grade of 5/10, then Pz. IV, Pz,6 mark 1 codename "Tiger", Pz.V "panther", "Konig Tiger" and MAUS as the 10/10 prize tank
this story was a good read
has a few errors that were pointed out to you.
so here's your tank
s1.goodfon.su/wallpaper/previews-middle/461240.jpg

yes, I know it is an ridiculous motion if you think so.

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