First Impressions
Ponyfall: Rainbows
Chapter Two - First Impressions
Edited by: Darth_Dash and J_Xayph
April 13th, 2012
The rainbow girl got up from the leather couch, slowly walking towards me. I could tell she really wanted to punch me in the face, but she seemed to be having trouble doing so. Her walking was terrible, almost as if she was barely learning. She had brandished her fists, but instead of closing her hand into one; she simply waved her hands in front of her. Even though she was doing all this so terribly, I wasn’t going to take any chances. I slowly backed away from her every time she took a baby step forward. Okay, who is this girl, and why the hell does she think I have anything to do with her friends?
Staring straight at her, she glared back, a strong blazing fire burning strong in her eyes, fueled by rage. She looked very angry and didn’t seem like she was about to stop. I continued backing away from her, knowing that my escape would be blocked by the dead end in the back of me. She wobbled forward, only to collapse on the floor. She sprawled around the floor as I curiously looked at her. Carefully, I decided to walk over to her while she yelled out some words I couldn't understand due to her aggressive behavior. When I reached her, I tried touching her right shoulder, but instead she spun around and kicked me in the leg.
“Ow!” Pain erupted throughout my leg as I fell to the ground, clutching it.
Groaning, I turned my head over to the girl, who picked herself up, turned around and walked over towards me on all fours. Wait... all fours? What the hell? Am I seeing things? I thought, surprised at the action. Apparently not. I watched as the girl stood over me, her expression showing that she meant business.
“I’ll ask again, where are my friends?!” she shouted, pointing a hand at me.
That voice… it sounds so familiar, yet I can’t put my finger on it.
“I don’t know what friends you’re talking about,” I replied, moving towards the wall. There was definitely no way out of this, unless I figured out a plan to escape.
The girl mumbled something and crouched down on all fours to get a better look at me. By the look on her face, she looked very curious about something, but what exactly? Her eyes darted all around me before she rudely said, “What the buck are you anyway? I’ve seen plenty of animals around Fluttershy’s place, but none of them look a thing like you.”
That name she mentioned rung in my head. Right there, I think I had the answer to my question. Oh God, she mentioned Fluttershy. That means… no Cody, that’s completely insane. This girl is probably mad, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask for her name...
“Well, I am a human,” I said, replying to her question. “So, this ‘Fluttershy’ you speak of, she’s a friend of yours um, miss?”
The girl stood up quickly, raising her arms into the arm and proudly boasted, “I am the one and only Rainbow Dash, winner of the Best Young Flyers competition, speedster and the best flier in all of Equestria!”
My hunch was proven correct: this girl was freaking crazy and was completely mad! I began chuckling, which seemed to provoke her. “Hey! Why are you laughing? You don’t think I’m the fastest flier?” she asked, her voice rising.
Laughing now, I couldn’t control myself. I knew the girl was getting ticked off by my laughing, but did she actually believed she could fly? That’s just impossible. Glancing back at the girl, my face turned white as I noticed she was tensing up, her face looking angrier than before. For the sake of my body, I stopped and said, “Of course I don’t think you’re the fastest flier; you don’t have any wings or feathers, and you certainly aren’t Rainbow Dash. You’re a simple human just like me. Well, except for that weird rainbow hair and rose colored contacts.”
She gasped and looked offended at what I said. I was surprised at her reaction. I would’ve thought she’d be angrier, but she didn’t seem fazed by that last comment. “What!? Of COURSE I'm a pegasus! Just look at me--” she answered, pointing a hand to her back where I could see nothing but pale, white skin.
She looked behind herself, screaming and began feeling her back for her imaginary wings. “My wings! My beautiful wings! Where are they?!” she cried out, collapsing to the floor. She seemed very heartbroken over her missing ‘wings,’ which didn’t make much sense unless she DID have wings.
I sighed at my predicament and looked over at the girl. She wore a bold face as she tried her best to keep cool. She might have done a pretty amazing job at it, had her emotions not been getting in the way of that and along with her being curled up in a ball. I looked away from her, but the sound of her stuttering voice made me feel guilty. I don’t know why I’d feel guilty, but I guess I just felt sorry for her. Should I comfort her? She does seem distraught over this situation.
Reaching a decision, I picked myself up and walked towards the girl. I placed one of my hands on her right shoulder and tried to think of something to say. When nothing came out, I sighed and listened to what she had to say. She stared blankly at the floor, stuttering to keep herself from going insane over her situation. “This isn’t happening; I can’t lose my wings! What happened to my awesome body?!” she stuttered, before her gaze switched towards me. She stared at me, a small tear coming down from her face. At that moment, I decided that she was calming down and I took my hand off her shoulder. Instead, she pushed me hard to the ground, sending a large amount of pain to my back and held me in place.
“What have you done to my wings!?” she screamed, trapping me under her. She clearly wasn’t thinking straight because this didn’t sound like a regular girl screaming. It sounded like she was insane.
I cried out in pain with the amount of force that was on my chest. How can someone so small hurt so much?! Above me, the girl was glaring daggers into my own eyes and probably thinking that I somehow took her wings. I tried pushing her off, but she stayed there like an unmovable force. Who knew naked girls who thought they were ponies could be so strong?
“Rainbow Dash!” I cried weakly. “Would you please get off of me... you’re killing me!” I didn’t know what else to call her.
“Not until you give me back my wings!” she yelled out, applying even more pressure on my chest.
I could feel my chest crying out in pain as if it were on fire, but I needed to do something and fast! Weakly, I grabbed her bony face, using whatever strength I could muster to push her off. Reacting fast, she held down my hands, crushing them underneath her own. At that point, she dropped her guard from her midriff. With that chance, I kneed her in the stomach and caused her to fall over. The pressure from her vanished and I quickly picked myself off the ground in case she tried that again.
“Ow, you’ll pay for that,” she growled.
The girl rose back up and stood up against me. She was definitely taller than me, which made me hope she wasn’t really thinking of fighting me. I backed away from her as she crouched into a combat stance on all fours. She inched closer each time, practically having me cornered in the hallway.
“Hey, can’t we work something out? I did save you an-” I raised my hands in efforts to avoid a brawl. Her response was a quick kick to my leg, sending a jolt of pain through it. I gritted my teeth, but shook it off. If this girl really meant business, then I had no choice.
I raised my fists up, ready to defend myself and the house against the insane pale white and rainbow girl. Hopefully, nothing serious would happen and cause us to go to the hospital. The girl smirked, raising her own fists or hands to her eye level. “You ready for this, wing stealer?” she asked.
“I didn’t steal your wings,” I grumbled, glaring at her. “I brought you into my house because I found you lying unconscious outside. If I have to defend my home against you, then so be it.”
“Likely story, but I’m impressed with your guts,” she said, raising her front hands in front of her. “Bring it on!”
I gulped, taking a deep breath. “For the house!” I shouted, running towards her without even thinking. She sent a punch straight at me, which I narrowly avoided only for her other hand to send me to the ground. I scrambled away before she had the chance to jump me, picking myself up and ran for my room.
“Hey!” she yelled behind me. “I’m not done with you yet!” She followed after me into the room, but I closed the door behind me. “Let me in!”
“Hell no,” I shouted back, my eyes darting around for anything to use. There were a few books lying around the shelves that I could use as a weapon. My laptop sat on a desk near the shelves, but I wasn’t going to throw that at her. That left my baseball bat lying against the wall. It wasn’t metal, thank God for that, but a wooden bat is better than anything right?
Deciding, I quickly rushed over to the bat and grabbed it. Just as I did, the girl kicked the door open, rushing inside and found me holding the wooden weapon. She retracted back as I moved forward, but smirked and charged towards me. I swung my bat down in hopes of it not hurting her that much. Instead, she jumped aside and headbutted me into my dresser.
“Ow...” I groaned in pain, looking up at the girl’s face.
“I was expecting more of a fight from you. I guess I was wrong,” Rainbow said, her disappointment clearly shown through her expression.
“Well...” I started before punching her in the face. “You thought wrong too.”
The girl stumbled backwards, dazed by the punch, but regained her composure and kicked me in the stomach. Instantly, pain shot throughout my entire body and my entire breakfast almost came up. I slammed my arm against her side, sending her into my bed. She winced, but again she came back up and jumped on top of me.
“Not again...” I muttered as she trapped me under her.
Rainbow raised a fist, ready to finish me off. “Give me back my wings or I’ll cream you where you stand,” she growled angrily.
I sighed, shaking my head. “I’m sorry...” I muttered sadly, which brought a confused look on her face.
“Sorry? Sorry for what?” Rainbow asked, lowering her first down a bit.
“For this,” I said, pushing Rainbow off. She fell to the floor, completely stunned at what just happened. I quickly picked myself up before she had a chance to regain her bearings. As she scrambled to pick herself up, I weakly brought myself over to her side and swung my fist at her. She turned towards me at the same time, eyes widening as my knuckles connected against her face. A sickening crack sound came from the impact while small amounts of drool came out of her mouth before she went down. I looked down, knowing my victory was secured.
“Thank god... Ow...” I mumbled a weak victory cheer, raising my arms up and collapsed beside the bed. I glanced over at Rainbow, crawling towards her.
“Yo, hothead, you there?” I asked, shaking her side. No response. “I know you’re faking it, now get up.” Still, the same answer as the last one. “Rainbow? Come on, wake up.” I placed a finger on her neck, checking for a pulse. There was a normal, calm beat coming from her neck. At least she was still alive.
“I’ve gotta say... that girl packs a punch,” I remarked, rubbing my butt from the pain it received.
I sighed, taking a look at Rainbow. She seemed rather peaceful with her eyes closed and not trying to threaten me. There were several black bruises all over her body, which would heal in no time. As well as bruises, there were a few small cuts here and there, and a red mark on her cheek that signified the punch I gave her. I felt somewhat guilty for punching a girl in the face, but I didn’t have much of a choice. I even gave her a chance to talk this through. I looked down at myself, noticing my own set of cuts and bruises. It looked like we both needed medical attention to heal the cuts we gave each other or else our injuries would get even worse.
“Ugh, I better go get the First-Aid kit in the bathroom,” I muttered, weakly picking myself up and walked towards the bathroom. She better be glad that I care about guests because she has a lot of explaining to do about.
_______________________
Time went by rather slowly as I wrapped a small bandage around the girl’s head. She was lying on the couch after the long trouble in carrying her back there. Her bruises were healing with the ointment I put on her, which was a relief. I didn’t want to cause any permanent damage to the girl’s body. Sure, she’s a crazy, loony girl who thinks she’s a pegasus, but that doesn’t mean you can hit her no matter what.
I sat down beside her, wondering when she’d wake up. Yes, I was going to trust her one last time and hope to God that she doesn’t go apeshit on me. That was pretty amazing though. Her fighting style looked like it was a karate technique she learned, but where she got it was a different story. I might ask her where she got it from, but first I need answers on her craziness.
“A crazy girl who claims to be a pony,” I told myself. “I never expected that to happen, but then again, what’d you expect from a girl who sounds like a mental ward escapee.” That reminds me. I think I might call the nearest one and ask if they’re missing someone. But, before I do any of that; I need to ask this girl some questions.
A sudden groan turned my attention back on the girl as she picked her head up. She was rubbing both her eyes, then her head before she noticed me. She didn’t look to be angry, only with a confused look on her face.
“Wow, am I still dreaming?” she asked, rubbing her head again. “There was this amazing fight and this thing called a 'human.' Then, he somehow beat me. Me, Rainbow Dash!” She looked pretty mad about me defeating her, but she thought this was all a dream? Yeah, I was hoping this was a dream too. I guess we don’t always get what we wish.
“Nah, you’re wide awake,” I answered, pinching her on her arm. She yelped, which seemed to confirm that she was indeed not dreaming. She stared at me, open-mouthed with those weird colored eyes of hers and blinked.
“So, you’re real,” she said, closing her jaw. “I thought you were some monster conjured by Discord or something.” Discord, another familiar name.
“Yup, real and in the flesh. I patched you up in case you haven’t noticed.” She looked down, noticing her bruises and felt the bandage around her head. The look on her face showed she was either amazed that I helped her out after beating the crap out of her or that she looked pretty banged up, what with all the bruises around her and small bump from the punch I gave her.
“You actually did, didn’t you?” she asked, feeling the bandage on her head. “Um, thanks I guess.” She looked away, staring off at something not important to get her bearings. If I were her, I would think that she’s sad about something, but I’m not sure what it is. I could begin questioning her. Besides, it would solve some answers.
“I know it’s a bad time to ask, but, you claim to be a pony turned human?” I asked one of my questions.
The girl continued staring off before sighing. “Yes, I’m a pony... Well, used to be. I just don’t understand what happened. It just seems impossible for my amazing wings to disappear. Now with no wings, I won’t be able to join the Wonderbolts… or perform a Sonic Rainboom,” she moaned in despair.
Even though she was trying to hide it, the girl was clearly torn up from the sudden lost of her supposed wings and pony body. Then I recalled that Rainbow Dash’s dream in the show was to join the Wonderbolts and famous for her Sonic Rainboom. All the evidence was pointing towards her being a real life Rainbow Dash. If I did accept the fact that she was indeed her, how did she even get here?
“Um, Rainbow Dash?” I asked her.
She glanced at me. “What is it? Can’t you see I’m trying to figure out how I ended up here. Twilight would be good in these kinds of situations right now,” she said, scratching her bandage.
Another name that was familiar. Twilight Sparkle, I thought, remembering the lavender unicorn, who was one of Rainbow Dash’s best friends. This is impossible. How can she be Rainbow Dash?! Even if I did deny it, there’s all this evidence. I glanced over at Rainbow as she scratched her head in thought. Well, I could ask about what she was doing before she woke up. Yeah, I’ll ask that.
“Rainbow Dash, if you got a moment, what exactly were you doing before you woke up from your sleep?”
Rainbow Dash looked at me for a second. “Hmm, it's kind of hard to remember... Oh! Yeah that’s right. The others and I were fighting against Discord after he escaped from the statue we put him in. At the time, I was heading towards the town square to join the others, but that’s where we saw Discord holding Princess Luna by the throat. I knew I had to do something, but just as I started flying over to stop him, Discord casted some kind of magic spell. He moved his hand... thingy over to the princess, but she shot magic from her horn. Their spells collided, creating some kind of shock wave. When it passed over them, they disappeared and I got caught up in the wave. The last thing I remember was hitting the ground really fast after the pink magic overwhelmed me. Wait a minute, where’s Discord? I need to make him pay for stealing my wings!” she recalled.
I nodded in acknowledgement after hearing her story. Discord, Luna, magic... I knew there must be some kind of explanation for this, but the evidence kept piling up. I didn’t want to believe this nonsense at all, but even her story checks out with everything from the show. This is just... insane! I’m probably going to regret this later...
Picking myself up, I stood up from the couch. “Well, you’ve somewhat convinced me; I shall help you get back your wings, and I guess you can stay with me here in my house,” I said. I was a bit reluctant at the ‘staying in my house part’, but she didn’t have anywhere else to go. I didn’t want to leave her out there so she’d have to fend for herself against the dangers in the city. Besides, if she really is a pony as she says, then I need to help her out.
Rainbow grinned wide. “Thanks, I hope you’re able to help me find Discord so I can give him a piece of my mind besides he might also know where the others are,” she said, punching her hand.
“The others?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow. I didn’t know the others were here as well.
She nodded. “Yeah, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Discord. I’m pretty sure they got transported here too.”
“What makes you so sure?” I asked, counting each of their names as she went by them. In total, there were seven ponies and one draconequus that were possibly on Earth.
“I’m pretty sure, okay? The shock wave caught Luna, Discord and me; it probably got the others too,” she answered, crossing her arms. Good point.
“Fine, so plus the wings we need to find your friends, the princesses and Discord, who could be anywhere on Earth?” I summed up.
She nodded. “Yeah, that pretty much sums everything up, but could I ask you something,” she asked.
A question? Alright then.
“Hit me,” I replied, prepared to ask any of her questions.
“What the hay are these?” she asked, gesturing towards her rather moderate, but round breasts.
Okay, I wasn’t expecting that question, and definitely not prepared for it. Stuttering crazily, I tried to regain my composure, so I could properly answer the question. Dash could see my reaction to her question and tilted her head, puzzled at why I was acting like this. I struggled, trying to think of a way to tell her without being perverted or sounding wrong.
“Dash! Please don’t point at those! They are called..." I grimaced. "Boobs. Humans have them and it’d be really awkward if you show them around, which reminds me; put some clothes on!” I managed to say awkwardly while forcing myself to look away.
Dash looked at them, then at me. “Wait, how come you don’t have any?” she asked. Okay... How the heck did I forget to mention the most important part?!
“Because,” I started, “Only females and fat guys have it.”
“Oh okay. Wait... fat guys?” Dash asked, wondering.
“You don’t want to know,” I said.
Dash nodded, but opened her mouth to try and say something except she closed it. I looked at her puzzled face, wondering what she was about to say. I guess she was about to ask why do fat guys have them... I still wouldn’t have told her, even the thought of it sounds very... weird and awkward.
“Anyway, now that we’re done with that, it’s time to move on and figure out what clothes you’re going to wear because I have no idea why you showed up in my yard naked,” I said.
I’m still not going to believe any of this until she performs a Sonic Rainboom or something... until then, she’ll be the crazy girl living in my house.
“What?! Clothes?! Forget that, I’m not wearing any clothes. They’re uncomfortable and I hate wearing them, period.” she argued.
“I’m sorry, but here on Earth, we don’t walk around naked. It’s indecent, and people will stare at you funny. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal too.” I replied, face in palm.
Rainbow Dash continued her rant, but I stood adamant with my answer. It took a while, but I eventually won. Frustrated, she crossed her arms angrily, muttering something unintelligible. “You say something?” I asked, proud that I had won an argument against the strong headed girl.
“Oh shut up,” she managed, still grumbling.
Chuckling over the victory, I got up and walked over to the counter in the kitchen. On top, I grabbed the notepad and pen. I came back with the two items as Dash watched me, curiously at my actions. “So, before we try and figure this out, there will be a set of rules that you’ll need to follow,” I explained.
“Seriously? Great, now you’re acting like Twilight,” she groaned.
I chuckled at her reaction and began writing down my list of rules:
“Hey, things are different here on Earth than in Equestria. Like I said, wear clothes at all times in and out of the house,” I started, writing it down on the paper.
Rainbow Dash only muttered in frustration knowing that she had already lost that argument.
“Please, refrain from messing up my house. I live here, and I do not like my possessions smashed, broken, or in any way harmed.” I continued, writing it below the first.
“Don’t worry, as long as I’m not angry you have nothing to worry about. I’m actually really careful when I need to be!” She said confidently, waving her hands as if to emphasize her point.
Just as she finished speaking, her hand accidentally hit a table lamp. The lamp fell to the floor, shattering upon impact with the hardwood. The small cracking sound made her flinch.
“Um… oops hehe”, she said, grinning big.
I glared at her. “This is why I don’t trust you with keeping my house intact,” I sighed.
How am I supposed to replace that?! It was my mother’s favorite lamp... oh well, it did look old anyway, I’ll probably buy one at the store later.
Rainbow grumbled as I ignored her, reaching my last set of rules.
“Don’t try to eat all the food from the fridge, it’s both of ours to eat,” I said, writing down the last set.
“Pfft, Don’t worry about that, I won’t eat everything in the fridge, unless you have something I like to eat,” she said, smacking her lips.
Yeah, I hope I don’t... or that’s going to be one empty refrigerator.
“Well that’s about it,” I finished, closing the notepad.
“Thank Celestia, I thought you were going to bore me to sleep,” Rainbow Dash said, yawning.
“Well, was it working?” I asked.
Dash looked down on the floor as if she was thinking. “Well, you almost did. I only stayed up because of all the long speeches Twilight used to say.”
I chuckled. “At least I tried, just make sure you go by those rules. I don’t want my parents to come home and find the entire house demolished."
“Hey! I told you I won’t destroy the house, I um... I Pinkie Promise,” Dash shouted, saluting.
“You do?” I said, surprised at the mention of the Pinkie Promise. I knew what it meant to Pinkie Promise. If you broke it, then Pinkie Pie would come after you. Uh... I really don’t want to see Pinkie Pie come to my house if she breaks that promise.
“I cross my heart, hope to fly and stick a cupcake in my eye,” Dash said, reciting the promise.
With that, I smiled. “Alright, I believe you, but we still need to get you into some clothes.” I said, motioning for her to follow me into my bedroom.
Rainbow Dash got up and walked close behind me. “Fine, but there better be something cool that I can wear,” she said.
“Whatever, so long as you’re wearing clothes.” I said.
“You don’t look like the kind of person who’d have something cool” she joked.
“Oh shut up.”
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Chapter Two is up
There are some significant changes in this chapter, so yup enjoy
To tell you the truth John, I'm surprised.
696088 You're surprised?
(and who is this John you speak of?)
Hmm, Payment not enough. I request more, as I have basically already read this chapter.
As new payment, I request a third chapter. Naow.
Good Day sir.
-Master Chief in a Tutu
Wow, she sure sounds pissed. By the way, if for any reason they pass over where I live, tell Dash I said hi, k?
By his lack of reaction to rainbows nudity.
(and it was a reference to something)
696098 Oh don't worry, I have Chapter Three done already
I just need to make it longer and add some more details
696101 Sure
696105 Oh that, Cody is more worried about why is there a pony turned human is house (he is worried about the nudity though, I did mention it in this chapter )
Alright, and if she wants to, she can hang out at my house anytime. I'm always up for anything, plus she can meet my parents.
696145
Dreamer.
Nah, I kid; and you're right, she'd be an awesome GF.
I, for one, am interested in Rainbow's reaction when she sees My Little Pony. Who wants to bet that she slugs Cody again?
Holy shit this updated. Pretty good, looking forward to where this is going.
DAMN HE GOT KICKED IN THE FACE!!!!
this is going to be cool, too bad most of the other ponyfall stories havnt been updated since teh day they were posted.
Well, I'd like to announce that Chapter Three was done after Two was finished, but I'm adding some more stuff so it can be longer
I'll try and finish it as fast as I can
s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/photos/images/original/000/208/183/90298%20-%20animated%20artist%253Atomdantherock%20artist%253Avalcron%20celestia%20filly%20gif%20luna%20spinning.gif?1322379782
WHEE!!!! New chapter!. Please hurry up with chapter three.
Ok, this guy bought into the whole "Rainbow Dash was turned human" thing way too fast.
By simply referencing the show he almost instantly believes her. The Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie story made much more sense. It took the guy more than a day, and some Pinkie Pie crazyness before he thought they were more than drug addled fans.
696300 Would you want to get kicked and punched? Cody decided to act fast remember that, it was either that or simply just going with it
696309
I'd consider agreeing to whatever she said until she let me up, then first chance I got I'd run outside yelling that a crazy naked chick was trying to kill me. And considering a promise to get her wings back was promptly met with running away, she'd probably give chase letting everyone outside see her attack again.
Idiot for honestly believing her.... that would be extremely stupid. Like, suicidal, stupid.
"He moved his hand... thingy over to Luna"
Wouldn't Dashie, being a freshly-turned human... Say hoof?
Otherwise, the chapter was awesome.
696272 Do you find it strange that i said "WHEE" by just looking at the gif before reading "WHEE"
696335 Cody doesn't think that fast on his feet
696249 We're working on it. Soooon. Soooooon
Why does this keep coming into my inbox? There's no new chapter, I've read this one already.
Ossim chapter man! Hurry up with all of that new content. I. NEED. MOAR!
Keep up the swag.
696616
Discord doesn't have hooves.
Didn't the original chapter have more broken furniture? Just wondering.
697505 Oh don't worry, Chapter Three just needs a few more adjustments (more longer, some information, etc.) and it'll be done
PS: FALCON KICK
699941
Mmmmm... Taste the Rainbow
696196 Whoa, I didn't mean it like that! I meant as a friend. Only after knowing her for a few weeks/months would I ever date her. Jeez. Oh and by the way Silver, is she still at your house? Show her Facebook and then show her this game called Fruit Ninja Frenzy. She'll never beat my current score.
700154
Somehow, somewhen, somewhat, I expected this...
699941 Hehe, taste the rainbow
lol now there needs to be a new new new chapter
Favorite part of ponyfall
When they grope themselves
703853 you know you like it
703859
700931
You should expect no less from the mentally unstable!
Pretty good so far, but I do have a few problems.
First, like a few others mentioned, it seems odd how quickly he was to believe her. It's just, she didn't really do anything to convince him. Why would her mentioning the Wonderbolts convince him that she was serious? That's something anyone familiar with the show would know, so it's not something that would prove anything. That said, this is more of a minor issue, so it doesn't really hurt the story.
Second, I don't like the way you made Rainbow act in this chapter. She's being way to violent to make any sense. Sure, knocking him down at the start might be easy to understand (considering how she would be in a state of panic), but everything past that was just out-of-character, and doesn't even make sense given the context of the chapter. Seriously, she kicks him in the face over a rule? That just completely OoC. For one, she's not used to her new body, so I think any movement like that would more likely end with her falling over after losing her balance. Also, I don't get how she would find that funny. I would imagine a hard kick to the face would be rather dangerous, considering the rather likely possibility of breaking the nose or something. Basically, it was just mean to do, and that's not like her at all.
718378 For your first problem, it'll be explained in the next chapter. For the second, I see your point. (I'm revising parts in a few areas, but keeping the majority of it the way it is. I'll probably change the parts you mentioned because I can see your point for the second part, but the first, it'll be explained more next chapter)
Alright, thanks for the reply.
I though you were going to explain it later, which is why I didn't really consider the first point much of an issue. That said, I am glad you're considering changing the part mentioned in my second point. Remember, while Rainbow Dash is an awesome pony with a pretty big ego (although it's not as much of a problem later in Season 2), she's certainly not violent and mean enough to hurt someone just for a laugh.
718623 Yup, which is why I'm going to change that part to suit Dash instead of her going all violent.
(Thanks for the telling me
)
Ok, I'm just gonna put this out there right now: out of all the Ponyfall stories i've read (about 5 of them), this one is the weakest.
First of all, everything just moves so fast. I feel like I'm flying by in a 20 minute episode when I paid for a full-blown, 60 movie. You need to lengthen out the story by either adding more description or more thought that the main character has. Also, I know that to make Rainbow Dash physically strong would make sense since she is a fantastic athlete in the show, however, I don't think that Rainbow would be able to pin down and subdue someone else when she just woke up in her new body! I don't even think she would be able to figure out how to flex and bend her fingers! It just doesn't make sense to me that the main character was so easily defeated by the equivalent of a 2-year-old.
Furthermore, I feel like Rainbow Dash is like a sack of emotions being thrown around everywhere. I know that she is has a hot-headed personality, but you're just going to far with the motion. Wake up from a magical slumber. Point fingers at the nearest individual and proceed to attack him. Criticize his rules even though he is offering to help you find your friends and get your wings back. Break his stuff, not say sorry and kick him in the freaking face (how does she even manage to do that? She can barely stand up for crying out loud!)!
When I finished this chapter, I face palmed and said "What???" out loud. That's how bad it was. I mean, I guess there are some aspects that are good enough to make me keep reading (Rainbow Dash humanized in the human world, that's a good plot idea), but it's starting to become somewhat painful. I may just give up after the next chapter if you don't change something, and quick.
Edit: Ok, now I've read your previous comment explaining that you will explain Rainbow Dash's behavior in the next chapter, but you better have a darn good reason, or else I'm just gonna be flat out annoyed.
724434 I'm changing stuff like I said, yes I'll admit that some of the details in the story need to be changed. But, I thank you for your criticism.
Yes, I noticed that there needs to be more descriptive writing in the chapters, which is another reason why I'm still working on Chapter Three.
I'll probably fix up the first two chapters before I post up Chapter Three and your comment will help a lot
-Silverness
EDIT: She points to the nearest individual because she was just in a fight with Discord and she thinks at first that Cody is in allegiance with him.
696093 John madden! FOOTBALL
But seriously, impressive. And if I were Cody and Dashie asked me what her great big stonkin' ti*-I mean mammaries were, I would just run. Congratulations for being less of a pussy than me.
*Get the reference and you win.
“You can’t hit me for any reason, period,” I finished, writing down the last rule.
Her response was a swift kick to the face. I went flipping on the floor. I lifted my head to see Rainbow Dash mischievously laughing while rolling on the floor.
“Hey! You broke Rule number three!” I yelled, holding my face in pain.
Not really, you said hit, not kick
static.fjcdn.com/comments/3701978+_f3040e4b04f196e34784cb5f8b31ed2d.jpg
I am WAY over analyzing this...
833319 Oh, that part will be taken out of the new revisions for Chapter Two. It's just taking me a while because I just got surgery and the doctor said I needed to rest for a week. Chapter Three just needs it's ending fixed and it'll be ready to be posted
Chapter Three will be released later today
The wait will finally be over!
940189
May I ask why you made an update without a new chapter...?
940410 Pressed Publish button by accident
It'll be out later today in the afternoon
EDIT: I was using a touchpad and when I was about to click the edit button, the touchpad moved to the publish button and I click it by accident (my explanation)