The spell that was undone by Twilight actually only cured poor Fluttershy temporarily. Now she is a permanent Vampire Fruit Bat Pony hybrid. Princess Celestia thus has ordered to move Flutters away from her friends to ensure that no one else get's infected. Now Fluttershy is alone, in a secluded forest miles away from civilization.
Fluttershy discovers that being a hybrid may not be so bad. She may even find a very special pony.
This is a short story for Equestria Daily's Writer's Training Grounds for the episode "Bats!".
I don't own the cover art.
http://reiduran.tumblr.com/post/71534528911/couldnt-help-it-shes-such-a-cutie
Chapters (1)
you could make another chapter, or fix the ending a bit, but l like it.
3706365
I would of added more but I'm entering this in the Equestria Daily's Writer's Training Grounds which has a word limit of 1500. I had to work around the limit. I would of put a more scenes in there.
I am glad you liked it.
Wow how bout you make
3706390 a sequel with more depth and detail
3707069
I probably will but I have a full time Yugioh/pony fic to do. Maybe in the future. Maybe i'll do it on the side. I'll have to find time for it.
3707099 it'd be cool
3707126
I have this whole idea for the forest area that Flutters and Fang live in. It's divided into sections, and over time each of them would develop.
Hm i guess I'd better get to brainstorming
3708046 for some reason, they need to argue over a cave
3708319
i did have an idea that there is a cave on the west side of the property. Fang's tree is in the center, Maybe I';ll use that. Who knows. I really have to brainstorm now.
3708356 hmmm.... Lol bats is #1 topic on the site, and now ive been thinking all day of a fic that I'll never write. But really I do have tons of random ideas, useless to my fix. Like being hit by a swarm of bats and embracing it. Now I'll probably dreams of batman lol
I'm sorry but this fic seems to have quite a few problems, from the copious amounts of tell don't show to the bland as past OC love interest; but the most glaring issue I think is Celestia's OOCness to the point where it would not be surprising to find out that she was secretly replaced by Chrysalis considering her plan (exile the natonal hero who helped save equestria on multiple occasions into the everfree to die instead of taking the more reasonable option of keeping her secure in quarantine) is both pointlessly cruel (no, you cant even take your pet rabbit with you) and incredibly stupid (yes, get rid of the one pony whom Discord is fond of and can keep him under any semblance of control, especially when you don't have the elements to fall back on anymore and then act surprised when equestria explodes into a cloud of mushroom soup).
3738629
well she isn't in the everfree. She is in a secluded forest property protected by Equestria's government. She has food avaliable to them. I plan to make a sequal to this showing the ways Twilight and the others try to communicate with Flutters while she is in the forest. Well Fang is more than meets the eye. He will be explained in more deph, but i had to work around the limit of the contest. I would of made it much, much, longer.
Before anything else, let me say that I fell into the trap of offering criticism without offering solutions, and for that I am sorry, so here is some suggestions that I can make to improve your story.
Show don't tell: one of the most fundamental rules in storytelling. What happened during that meeting with celestia, what did twilight say in defense of her friend? where other options considered? why where they dismissed? did Celestia try to justify her actions? was she regretful about the whole affair? When Fluttershy asks Fang about his parents don't just say he fell silent; did his eyes glaze over? did he shift around uncomfortably? did his expression become stony? did his response seem strained or forceful? these are all things that you can and should go into detail about as it gives depth to the story and a greater understanding to the situation and characters. When Fluttershy feels sad don't have her just say "I'm sad" have her describe the emotions that are going thru her and the effects they are having on her and describe the memory's that are causing her to feel this way. One of the greatest strengths of first person perspective is how it allows the audience to experience what the character is feeling.
as for the characters
this is not something one just gets over in the span of a few hours
even is she is trying to put on a brave face for Fang she should have some serious scars.
Fang: what are his hobbies? his opinions? how does he pass his time in the forest? has it hardened him? is he resentful toward Celestia, is his happiness at his predicament genuine or is he just deluding himself or putting on a brave face? don't be afraid to flesh him out. what about his reactions to Fluttershy? Fang only begrugedly helping Fluttershy and gradualy accepting her would have been a wonderful character arc but you resolve it so quickly and with so little conflict that it may have well not been there at all.
Fluttershy: She was just ripped away from her life and everypony she knows and loves, and abandoned in a potentially hostel environment with no hope of return
The mane five: do you think that any of them are just going to let their friend die alone in the everfree. at the vary least Rainbow Dash will mount some kind of rescue attempt and the others will probably join her regardless of what celestia wants.
Discord: Fluttershy was discords leash; she's gone now, what do you think is going to happen.
Celestia: The major sticking point, why was such an extreme sentence necessary to begin with. Fluttershy is nothing like the mindless beast she was depicted as in the episode so she wasn't a danger to others; even if she had a severe addiction to fruit that could still be handled by counseling and medication. if Celestia was worried that the condition was contagious then it makes even less sense to throw them in the wild where there is no guarantee that they wont try to come back and harass nearby towns to spread the infection. In quarantine Fluttershy can be kept in a secure location where the condition can be studied and hopefully cured. if you want her to interact with Fang then you can have him and others affected by the condition contained as well. if you want to see a good story with a sympathetic Celestia who has to make a tragic decision for the good of the kingdom then you could take a look at Choices (if you have no idea what's going on read the comments, the people there have figured it out.)
3739671
I understand where you are coming from. I will take some of your suggestions when I write the sequal.
Oh and another thing about the area, they can't leave. There is a force field around the forest. Oh and I was going to have Discord try to bust Flutters out with the other main 5 but the story limitations.
I think I may just rewrite it, and put it as incomplete. I will have to do it when I'm waiting my proofreading of my Yugioh pony crossover to be done.
Thanks for the tips!
I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings in anyway.
3739847
OK this makes a lot more sense, in fact, force field forest was one of the things I was thinking about when I say quarantine. Mind you that is something you want to clarify early on in the story for your readers. its also nice to know that her friends will not abandon her though it still begs the question of why celestia did. regardless I wish you the best on the rewrite if you decide to go thru with it ( also hears a thought, what if Fluttershy and Fang are not the only batponies in the quarantine zone, what if there was an entire community of ponies bitter over their predicament.).
also no hard feeling kept.
not well written but its still ok and now that i read the comment i see why it isn't so good so after the contest is over uou can make it better
3756674
Rewrite is already in progress
3757039
dat was fast
Honestly if that story was suppose to give an emotion..... i didn't feel it. What i did feel was a rushed fan fiction that had n face expressions. It was a quick something bad happened.. 2 minutes later and now my life is perfect. The real fluttershy would of had an emotional break down / not wanting to eat drink sleep or even breath. Also needed to go more in detail with surroundings.
he is a perminment Vampire Fruit Bat Pony hybrid. You spelled permanent wrong.
i like it
deleted account DNB please make a sequel for this story