• Member Since 27th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 17th, 2014

Sabuus


E

Sabuus gets to Ponyville from the train stopping there. He tries leaving when Pinkie Pie shows up, and she takes him to meet most of the others.
(This is a work-in-progress, and it's my first Fan Fiction. Please, give all of the creative criticism you can, and I hope you enjoy.)

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 5 )

Hey it's me, Danny from youtube.

A good start, considering you haven't wrote anything before. a few minor spelling issues like "“Hey! We were only wonder!” Pinkie said". Just change it to "only wondering" and one more issue "Acres".Also," put a space between the period and "Also" other then that you are on a good start :) If you'd like, you can read my story for how I write. Forewarning however, its NSFW, so read at your own risk :twilightblush: I am favoriting this so I will get all your story updates. I look forward to seeing what happens to Sabuus, which is an interesting name btw. :ajsmug:

One more side note, I think you can get rid of that random tag, as I don't see this heading in any silly direction.

3690849 Thanks, I tend to make little errors like that no matter how hard I try (even on school papers), so thank's for finding those. Also, I'll definitely read some of your fictions. Thanks again. :twilightsmile:

Ooo the plot thickens. :pinkiegasp:

My only complaint is the pacing (I try not to use words I don't fully understand, so be patient with me if this isn't what pacing means) I just feel like sometimes Sab is friendly, but then dark and secrative then annoyed. He feels a bit hard to follow, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, its just how quickly he switchs between them. Other then that I can't really be angry at much else. Everything that leaves me with questions I assume will be answered as the story chugs along.

Oh, and one more thing "“Why didn't you stay on the train then?” Pinkie butted into the conversation." seems a bit OOC (out of character) for Pinkie, who is normally never negative like that. Having any other pony, like Rainbow Dash or Applejack would have made better sense, as they tend to be the more brazen ponies in the group. Keep up your work and I'll keep up mine! :yay:

3837169 Thanks, I'll keep that in mind as I type up the next chapter. Also, yes, the questions will be answered later. I just have always been a fan of mysteries, so once I heard it was a way to keep people engaged; I jumped on the chance to attempt it.

Comment posted by Sabuus deleted Jan 25th, 2014
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