That Which Makes up a Rainbow

by maxxxxxx

Darkness

“Where am I?” She said to herself, peering into the pure back void that she suddenly found herself in. Her mind and memories were hazy. Where am I? How did I get here? I don't remember.. Her thoughts trailed off as she tried to piece together how she got to this dark place, but nothing came into her mind at all. She shakily stood up from where she was, her body felt heavy and weak. Squinting her eyes as hard as she could, she could still make out nothing in the blackness. She began feeling a hint of fear which she quickly buried. No way am I getting scared! I'm Rainbow Dash!

“Is anyone there!” She called out, but the sound of her voice died unnaturally just past her ears, as though she were in a very small sound proof box.

“Twilight!... Fluttershy! Girls!...Anypony?” She was again beginning to lose her bravado. The darkness felt surreal. She couldn't feel any temperature hot or cold, or any air movement. Tentatively she took a small step forward. As her hoof made impact with the floor it clicked, but the sound died quickly. The floor felt strange to, it felt empty like stepping into thin air but it held her weight as though it were solid. Still feeling as though she were in a very tight space she began to feel claustrophobic. She slowly stretched her wings out, for some reason expecting them to make contact with the solid object she felt trapped in, but it never happened. Her wings were able to fully stretch out, giving her some relief from the suffocating feeling. She looked around, squinting hard in the darkness, but she couldn't find even a single glimmer of light.

“How did I get here?” She said to herself in little more than a whisper. She didn't know if it was the darkness or the weakness in her body but she felt defeated and tired. She slowly laid down on the floor, folding her hooves under her chin and closing her eyes.

“You don't know why you're here?” Startled by the sudden voice she bolted up, her tail stiffening and hairs standing on end. Suddenly the room light up in a bright white light. It was a small square room, completely white with only one feature... An off-white pegasus stallion with a pitch black mane and tail with cold gray eyes, leaning nonchalantly against the wall in front of her. Surprise now past, she dropped her head low and bared her teeth, extending her wings threateningly. Though the stranger seemed unfazed and uninterested.

“Who are you!” She barked threateningly at him. He glanced at her, his expression unreadable but somehow she felt a spark of fear when their eyes met.

“Who am I?” He repeated, making an intentionally poor attempt at sounding as though he himself did not know, was he mocking her?

“That's right! Who are you and where is this place!?”

“That's a good question, where are we?” She felt her frustration building by the second.

“You mean you don't know?” She said suspiciously, not buying his 'Playing dumb.'

“Isn't that bothering you?” He asked, jumping subject. Though the change was so jarring that it caught her off guard.

“Is what bothering me?”

“You mean you didn't notice?” He asked. Gah! This guy needs to start giving straight answers!

“Notice what?” Her tone become increasingly exasperated. He eyed her silently for a moment, his gaze making her feel uneasy.

“You're not breathing.”
***************************************************************************************************

Her eyes became wide with shock, she hadn't noticed but... she actually wasn't breathing. How did I not notice that?! Then, another much more unsettling realization hit her. M-my heart... It's not beating! Wha-what's going on!? She tried to inhale but her lungs wouldn't respond. She staggered back, her face panic stricken, falling against the wall, clutching her chest.

“Wh- what's happening? Why isn't my heart beating?” The stallion looked coldly at her, his icy expression unchanging. She looked into his eyes. He had to have something to do with this!

“Am... am I dead?” As she asked this time seemed to stop, he thoughts and feelings coming to a grinding halt. Her vision tunneled until the only thing she could see was the stallion. My heart's not beating, I'm not breathing.. what's going on? I can't be dead, I can't be. I... I don't want to die. She felt like crying but the shock she was in seemed to be overpowering even her ability to cry. He stared at her, he almost seemed to be enjoying watching her panic.

“I don't know if you're dead or not.” Still reeling from shock she could barely hear him.

“What... did you... do to me?” Her words were choppy and broken up, she felt like she was going to vomit, but all she did was painfully dry heave.

“You brought everything on to your self, this is no ones fault but yours. I believe you will be here for a very long time. Get used to it.” He turned around, as though he would leave the room with no doors or windows, like he could simply walk through the wall. An immense fear swept over her and only one thought came to her mind.

“Will I ever see my friends again?” The question stopped the stallion in his tracks, he slowly turned around to her, his eyes burned with an icy hatred and instilled her with an entire different fear, mortal fear.

“You don't deserve to go back.” The tone of his voice made her shiver. She steeled herself then stood up, walking towards him with fire in her eyes. It's burned out quickly as she drew closer. What's with this guy? Why am I so... afraid?

“I don't know what you're talking about... I've always been good to my friends! I definitely deserve..” She was brought to an abrupt stop as he took one step closer to her, and looked at her with a malevolent smile.

“You think you've been a good friend? Rainbow Dash, do you really want to follow me into the rabbit hole of your soul? Do you want to see you're past as it really was? Can you face the true you?” His words, at once terrified her and made her curious. Every instinct was telling her to run, to hide. All she felt like doing was being as far away from his as possible... but something compelled her towards her fear.

“What do you mean, my true self? How do you know my name? Just who are you and what does it have to do with me?” He grinned, his smile filled her with more fear than his glare.

“My name is Shield. Now come, I will reveal the darkest recesses of your soul to you, you will see the terrible things you have done and chose to forget. Otherwise, stay here... forever.” He turned back to the wall, it dissolved under his gaze leaving a pitch black hole just taller than himself. Dash walked what she considered a safe distance from him. I don't know what's going on... Am I really dead? If so.. I feel like I'm going to hell... why? As she wrestled with the reality of her situation Shield disappeared into the void, leaving her standing nervously at it's edge. Why is this happening to me? I've always been a good pony, I've always been there for my friends so why is this happening. If I'm dead what will happen to the girls? They'll be heart broken... right? She gulped down her fear and stepped into the darkness.
****************************************************************************************************************

“I hate you!” The young filly shouted angrily.

“I told you no! You can't go out until you clean your room!” Her mother, at her wits end nearly in tears from the long argument they had been engaged in.

“Do you remember this day Rainbow Dash?” Shield looked to her, eyes as cold as ever. They stood in the middle of the scene, they were in a cloud home. Everything seemed familiar to Dash, especially the little filly. It was her, but she couldn't remember the argument at all.

“No, I don't. Who is that I'm yelling at? A nanny?” He looked away from her and back to the argument.

“Watch and you shall see.”

“Rainbow Dash, why don't you ever just listen! Would it be so hard just to clean your room?!”

“Don't tell me what to do! I hate you and I don't have to listen to you, just go away!” She screamed her voice becoming hoarse with rage.

Dash recognized the house, It was the one she lived in as a kid. They were in her old living room, in front of her old bedroom, but none of this was ringing a bell for her. She still couldn't recognize the mare she was yelling at.

“I'm sorry Rainbow Dash, but if you can't listen I'm going to take you're toys away.” She began to turn to go into Dash's childhood room, but the moment she turned her head she was met with a small hoof smacking into her face. The 'Smack!' sound carried throughout the room. The mare was stunned silent.

Dash looked on in horror. No, no that wasn't me! I couldn't have done that.. I would never hit someone like that..

The filly's expression was full of rage. “I hate you mom, I wish you would just die!” She slapped her hoof against her mother's face once more, even harder than the last, before running into her room, slamming the door behind her. The sounds of hard objects being thrown erupted from the room. The mother just stood at the door and cried, blood seeping out of her mouth. Her eyes clouded with pain and grief.

The scene became dark as the room faded to black, leaving only Rainbow Dash and Shield standing in the cold blackness. Rainbow Dash was trembling. Th-that was me.... I did that? She looked up at Shield, who's eyes had remained fixed forward as though he were still watching the event's unfold. Tears poured forth down her face and she sobbed quietly, wrapping her wings around herself for warmth and comfort.

“I... I did that?”

“Yes, you did. You have done much more horrible things.”

“But, I don't remember any of that! How could I not remember hurting my own mother like... How did I forget my mother!” She burst out. She, for the longest time, had never even thought about her mother.

“You're a weak pathetic soul Rainbow Dash.” His voice dripped with spite and venom. He genuinely hated her. “You bury anything, any emotion or memory you don't want to deal with. You can barely say you have a soul left after all the years you spent killing it. That is why you deserve to be here, that is why you don't deserve to be with you so called friends! You're broken Rainbow Dash, you always have been!”

“No! No, no..I, that's not me I swear.. I would never do that.. I'm a good pony.. I am.” She curled up into a small ball, wrapping her tail and wings around herself she sobbed into her hooves as Shield looked at her with disdain before he to faded into the darkness. I'm a good pony. I'm good. I'm... I'm. I'm so scared. She began wailing into her hooves, her crying echoing in the darkness.

Comments

[NewInTown]

First you had my curiosity, Now you have my attention.

[Cerulean Voice]

Oooo, another new one, maxxxxxxie?
I'll check it out when I finish work.

[maxxxxxx]

3688287 I'm glad you're enjoying my story and thanks bunches for reading
(that's just the reaction i was hoping for! )

[maxxxxxx]

3688297 thanks cerulean i actually think this is my best story yet in every aspect. hope you enjoy

[Cerulean Voice]

3688303
Looking forward to it.
Maybe I'll find another mini review piece on my fic, too? That'd be a nice surprise

[marineproductions100]

Whoa....mind blowing. I'm just gonna keep an eye on this story and see what happens next. I was curious by the description and now......it has my attention. If a cat dies, its only because I was curious.

[Raidah]

When I saw this in my feed, you had my curiosity. When I read the chapter itself, you caught my full attention. Will definitely watch the story to see where it goes

[Cerulean Voice]

Welp, this definitely has my interest now. Congratulations, you've finally earned my favourite for a story, if only for the volume of work you've put into your writing in the past six weeks. You're persistent, I gotta give you that. You've got great ideas and I admit your grammar IS getting better, but I still can't grade you higher than about a 6.5 for it. Still, it's a far cry better than the 3 I gave you for Purity.
Oh, and cheers for the watch too, you just got me to 50!

[Lauralite]

Hot damn.... I'll... Just put my reactions in emotes as I really don't have many words for this aside from this is definitely wasn't what I was expecting when i posted on that thread of your's but that's a good thing : Bravo and continue this because it's pretty good.

[maxxxxxx]

3688913 hooray! and i'm glad i got you to a nice round number on your watches as always, thanks for reading and i'm super glad you enjoyed this one, and thanks for the favorite and all your super helpful reviews and tips

[Starspark3]

PLEASE WRITE MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE!

[maxxxxxx]

3691376 I'm doing the second chapter right now

[Starspark3]

THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!

[Kodeake]

As promised, I'm back! Review time! I'll be leaving a comment on each chapter reviewing it so I don't run the risk of forgetting anything. Judging from your response, I'm going to assume you really want this review, so you get the full thing, including some edits that really stuck out to me and I feel break immersion. Normally I just do plot and writing in general, but I'll do the full thing tonight.

Alright. First for the review. SO far... well done. The pacing is really well done, I don't feel anything was lacking attention nor do I feel anything was given too much. The descriptions were actually very well done, especially describing the blackness at the beginning and the claustrophobic feeling. Rainbow's emotional state throughout the entire thing was well written (for the most part) and kept believable. The memory scene was written well with a very good reaction from Rainbow, as it fit both her character and her current emotional state. Shield's dialogue was nicely done, and even before you stated it it was clear he did not like her at all. Of course, when you did actually say it, it was a good time to, kept the flow up well, and was just well done in general.

Alright, praise over, now let's get to what I feel was wrong.

For instance, for the reaction Rainbow had towards her mother in the memory scene, I really feel you could have come up with a better argument then "Clean your room". Sure, it could have started like that but it would have quickly escalated to the point where I doubt they'd mention it very much. Especially when you bring in both what Rainbow says and does, even for her character, a grounding does not call for that. the argument would have grown well past that by this point. As much as yes, the original fight would be brought up especially at the end, the mother saying she was going to take something away should have come up much earlier if she was even a semi-competent parent.

Aside from that scene, nothing really bugs me about this chapter.

Alright, now onto the edits I feel need to be addressed.

" Still feeling as though she were in a very tight space she began to feel claustrophobic. "
this sentence feels really awkward to me and broke my immersion. Saying it in this order really messes with the flow you had going for the majority of the paragraph. Rephrasing it so it doesn't repeat as many words would help, such as
"She was beginning to feel claustrophobic, the walls that she was sure were just beyond the darkness creating a tight, uncomfortable space." or something like that. You might want to mention the walls in that, as it's the first time you mention claustrophobia, and the walls and their position and size is a major factor for those who suffer from it.

"She didn't know if it was the darkness or the weakness in her body but she felt defeated and tired"
Normally you'd put the smallest effect first. being tired is not as serious as feeling defeated, so it would be smoother and make more sense as
"She didn't know if it was the darkness or the weakness in her own body but she felt tired. Defeated even"
(Please note that the edits I recommend are written in my style and as such would not necessarily mesh well with yours. I recommend writing them yourself, but following the basic Guide I lay down of you choose to make these edits)

“Yes, you did. You have done much more horrible things.”
it may just be me, but this would work a lot better as
"Yes, you did. And you have done much more horrible things"

Aside from those, nothing incredibly bothersome. Though I still did see a few missing letters or misplaced commas. You may want to find a full-time editor to go through it with you and catch things like that.

I'd just like to say that I originally came here for the promise of Twidash. I can honestly say I'm staying for the story. I don't normally read anything with the tragedy tag, but you have all but destroyed that rule. I'm very interested in where you go with this.

(of course, I will always be looking forward to the Twidash)

Apologies if the comment is a bit rough; I don't have time to go and make any major edits. If anything I said is unclear to you simply reply to this comment asking me to clarify.

On to chapter two!

[Hestia]

Whoa whoa whoa. I- how in the world do I describe this first chapter?

[Derpyx0]

3743973 I now, right?!

[Dynasty-Kaine]

Yet another story I wonder as to why it has been on my "Read Later" list so long! This is one heck of a story unfolding!

[Daring Cammie Do]

My face throughout the entire chapter:

[mlprules537]

Poor Rainbow!!!!! Why!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!