The Challenge of the Necromancer – Part Three: The Betrayal at Whitetail
“Are you here to apologize?” Sunny asked.
“Verily, I still have not gleaned what transgression is in your thoughts for which you desire that I display remorse, dearest cousin,” Moonrise mumbled hurriedly. “I must tell you, I spoke to 'Princess Celestia' in the last match.”
”Mmmph?”
Sunny gave a nod completely devoid of interest. “Indeed. And?”
“It seems Equestria's beloved ruler wants to 'feel the love' her subjects have for this card game first-hoof. I would not be concerned, except... well, I believe she has nabbed a foal who stepped too close to our beloved Princess.”
Sunny's eyes perked up at that. “Oh really?”
“Please, dearest cousin!” Moonrise gave Sunny her best doe eyes, a technique she had honed over a thousand years to the point where it had been known to set random objects on fire. “Whatever troubles your heart, do not let it stop you from protecting your innocent subjects. For me?”
Sunny sighed. “Oh, all right, I'll look into it.”
"Mmmphmph!"
“Thank you!” Moonrise nuzzled her relative, then stood still and listened carefully. “Cousin?”
“Yes, Moonrise?”
“Did I just hear something inside your saddlebag trying to speak?”
Sunny smiled, showing glinting teeth. “I’m sure that was only your imagination, Moonrise.”
”Mmmph!!”
–
** Never get involved in a land war on Sweet Apple Acres. **
"Do you see her anywhere?"
"Eeyup."
Twilight looked over to where Big Mac was pointing, and saw Trixie sitting by herself, listlessly staring at the table. She was easy to spot, since the crowd had steadily thinned out as early losers and victims of strange and peculiar incidents had left the store.
“Doesn't look like she's going to interrupt us again,” Twilight said quietly, as if not to tempt fate. "So, same as we said before, the winner gets Smarty. Yes?"
Big Mac watched her intently, unmoving. “You're up to somethin'. Ah kin tell.”
Twilight sighed. “You're not really going to make me round up everypony just so we can repeat the vow that we already made, are you?” Big Mac hesitated, then shook his head. “Great. So, the winner gets Smarty then.” Big Mac nodded.
“Yup! Sounds good to me!” Pinkie Pie said from a third seat which had spontaneously appeared on one side of their table.
Twilight gnashed her teeth. “Pinkie? What are you doing?”
"I'm playing with you guys this round," she said cheerfully. "I know it didn't say so on the list, but my opponent had to go and there's an odd number of ponies left so I had to be shoved in somewhere and Dice Whirl rolled a d11 and your number came up and now I'm here and this is gonna be great because with more players it's less like a duel and more like a party!" She blew a kazoo that appeared out of nowhere as the table shook from a small blast from the Party Cannon, leaving the three ponies and their table buried beneath a layer of party supplies.
Twilight took a deep breath, and swept away her stress with a gesture of her hoof. “You know what? This is okay. Because you and I, Big Mac, are still playing against each other, and whichever one of us wins, or loses last if Pinkie wins, gets Smarty.” And if Pinkie beats me the spell will still activate, so I just have to keep going until I beat both of them, Twilight thought to herself. “You're not part of the wager, Pinkie, so you won't get her even if you win. I hope you don't object to that, but it won't change anything if you do. Because Smarty Pants is mine.”
Big Mac muttered a quiet “nope” beneath his breath, but Pinkie nodded. “Oh, sure,” the pink pony said. “I'm just happy to be playing against some of my bestest friends. The first two rounds I played ended in self-inflicted injuries.”
–
** There can only be one Lord of the Shadowlands. **
Gilda muttered something that could have been an apology for the delay, walking up to the table with a limp and resting a leg wrapped in a blood-stained paper towel on the table. Then she sighed, and dropped her head.
For several minutes, she and Trixie sat opposite one another and stared down at the table, occasionally sighing, occasionally glancing up at the other, but saying nothing.
“Today sucks,” Trixie eventually said.
“Yeah,” Gilda replied. “Wanna talk about it?”
–
** It is better to be both loved and feared, than never to be loved at all. **
“Bow before your Princess, commoner!” Celestia said as Sunny Skies made to sit down opposite her. “We will permit you to play a game with us, upon the understanding that you will not dare to oppose my glorious march to victory, lest I banish you to the moon!”
“That's cute,” Sunny Skies replied, a coy smile on her face, “but I'm the one who's in charge of banishings, and honestly? The moon is reserved for an altogether higher caliber of villain. I think the Froggy Bottom Bog hydra-pit is free at the moment, however.”
“Ah yes,” Celestia said, her eyes narrowing. “With Moonrise here, I suppose it was natural you would be nearby as well. Still can't let her out on her own, then?”
“Nonsense. I happen to greatly enjoy spending time with my sister, and want to share in her discoveries as she gets to know the modern world.”
–
** Zebra Don't Surf! **
“Pray tell, what manner of creature art thou?” Moonrise asked as she played her first swamp. “Make thy move.”
Zecora had not been expecting an opening like that, but replied effortlessly: “A daughter of the Zebra tribe, I travel through lands far and wide. I seek cunning enemies upon which to hone my skills, and enter many killing sprees, leaving many graves to fill.” She played her own first land, a forest, and a scorpion creature. “Beware its venom, though you may find that its and mine are of one kind.”
“Marvellous!” Moonrise played an island and an Omenspeaker Unicorn. “Is your owner nearby? I should like to meet her as well.”
Moonrise did not notice the look of utter revulsion flash across Zecora's face, as her attention was fully focused on scrying. “Madam, you are very bold, such a thing I never before was told! Though Ponyville once feared me greatly, never did anypony dare so insult me!”
This made Moonrise look up at her opponent with a confused grimace. “What dost thou speak of? First our sister—I mean, my cousin hurls vituperations my way without rhyme nor reason, and now a zebra wench calls me bold? What madness hath afflicted the world today?”
Zecora's eyes lit up in understanding, and she smiled. “We speak past one another, my dear! You should know that no zebra has been 'owned' for many a year. Centuries have passed since that dark age, but perhaps not everypony knows. They might have spent a thousand years under a rock, I suppose.”
Moonrise's face froze. “What, prithee, didst thou just say to me?”
“My pardon if I have offended. I live alone, and in solitude and darkness have descended, to forget among other ponies how to act, and make of myself a royal buffoon with no tact. You understand my meaning, I am sure, and I fear for such ignorance there is no easy cure.”
Moonrise ground her teeth together. The temperature sank around her, and her lip curled into a sneer. “Is that the game we shall play, then?”
“I play many games, and well. I'll leave you as a hollowed shell.”
“No quarter shall be asked, or given.”
–
“...All right, and sometimes I have to stop her from doing incredibly stupid things,” Sunny Skies admitted.
“Well then, you should run off and do so now. Your Princess graciously accept your forfeit.”
Sunny shook her head. “Luna is on her own for the moment. You and I need to talk, 'Princess'. I am not going to let you steal away that foal.”
“Steal?” Celestia gasped in mock horror. “What an accusation! That... colt?” Sunny shook her head again. “No? Filly? That filly came to me freely and pleaded with me to accept her into my service. I did so.”
Sunny rolled her eyes. “Listen... I don't want to start a panic. Just cooperate, and I'll permit you to leave quietly.”
Celestia huffed and crossed her forelegs. “A panic bothers me not. Let your ponies fear me, and know that they are unsafe! What do I care? However...” Celestia smirked as Sunny glared at her. “I have an idea. This foal matters little to me. Let us play for her. If you win, you may have her. But if I win, what will you offer me in turn?”
Sunny's glare softened to a wry grin. “Oh... I have something, as it happens.”
“Mmmppph?”
–
“Nay, goodwife, thy hips are NARROW and ill-suited for foalbearing!” Moonrise tapped a swamp and cast Dark Betrayal on Zecora's Cockatrice Queen as she snarled. “If indeed those are thy hips, I find it difficult to tell which end of thee I am looking at! Tell me, are your alchemical pursuits rooted in the fact that the only way thee can warm thy bed is by use of a love potion? Or perhaps thou art a master artisan in the crafting of cider spectacles? Your turn!”
“Amusing words to hear from you, who hides your face and body true.” Zecora drew a card and cast Abrupt Decay on Moonrise's prized Nightmare Weaver Planeswalker, destroying it and drawing a pained squeal from the dark unicorn. “So used to being shunned on sight, a paltry form now covers Princess Night. Is it rejection that you fear, that you skulk so pathetically here? Your sister dragged you here, did she not, to get you off your royal plot! Go ahead and make your move – your misery will not be soothed.”
“That was my favorite card!” Moonrise screamed. “You—you—Coprophage! I live in a palace surrounded by adherents and celebrants, everything I desire is placed by mine hoof for the taking. I need not listen to the demented ramblings of some filthy outcast zibber!”
Moonrise felt her heart pounding with excitement, deep breaths as the adrenaline pumped through her. It took a second before she noticed that Zecora’s sat slack-jawed and for the first time ever seemed entirely lost for words. Then she noticed that the store was utterly silent, and every pair of eyes were looking directly at her, horrified.
A shadow fell on her and she looked up to see the stern form of Dice Whirl the Neck Bearded in his pointy hat. “Miss,” he said coldly, “I am going to have to ask you to leave.”
“But—”
“Now, miss.”
–
“Why are you doing this anyway? Don't you have anything better to do with your time? My knights attack.”
“My changeling blocks your weak knight, the other goes through, I take three damage. I am only looking out for the interests of my subjects. Is that thought so alien to you, miss 'I'm busy, let some kids handle it'?”
Sunny chuckled. “I'm proud and happy that my subjects can protect themselves, and don't need me constantly hovering over them and telling them what to do. Raising strong children is what a good mother does. Tell me, what is the average age a changeling drone moves away from home? Your turn.”
“Grrgh... I play a forest, tap two mana to play Manaweft Sliver, tap my changelings for mana and play Megantic Sliver. You put too much faith in your heroes,” Celestia hissed the word. “My army has no need of individual ambition. Our unity makes us the strongest force in the world! Your turn.”
“You're nothing but a petty tyrant, forcing your entire tribe to slave for your mad whims! I will defeat you and free all those you have enslaved! When you are gone I shall institute a Republic and allow the citizens to decide their own fate.”
“Wait, hold on,” Celestia said, confused. “aren't you a supreme dictator in your own land?”
Sunny paused. “Um, well...”
“And isn't Canterlot ruled by a feudal elite whose inherited wealth and privilege puts them beyond the reach of the law?”
“Look, I am an enlighened and benevolent ruler who has overseen a thousand years of peace and pros—”
“Yeah yeah, but you just said 'republic' and 'tyranny' as self-evident synonyms of good and evil, even though you are yourself a literal tyrant. And, actually, what I just said about 'strength in unity', isn't that the guiding principle of Equestrian society? Come to think of it, your six champions and their 'magic of friendship' are almost exactly like my Swarm, each link in the chain making the whole stronger.”
“Look, you're still a tyrant in a much more direct and immediate sense. I let my ponies lead their lives freely, and I help them thrive. Your entire society is made up of soldiers and spies that take orders directly from you, while you control every intimate aspect of their lives! When was the last time you let one of your underlings do anything they wanted?”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Have you ever tried holding a conversation with a drone? They're not great thinkers. The moment I leave them to their own devices they get their heads stuck in jars, or fly straight into the mouths of bears! You compared yourself to a mother for your ponies, but I'm the literal mother of a swarm several thousand strong who never reach above the mental age of a two-year old foal, who are utterly dependant on me alone for their survival.” Here Celestia's voice began to crack, and she whipped an accusing hoof towards Sunny. “Do you think it's easy, having that kind of responsibility? Do you think I don't sob myself to sleep every night, wishing that my children were as resourceful and self-sufficient as yours? Do you think I even want to do this?”
–
Any half-way socially aware pony would look at the three-way matchup between Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh and Pinkie Pie, and think "this setup is perfect for a war of diplomacy where Twilight and Big Mac will both try to bribe, threaten, plead and cajole Pinkie into helping one against the other, quickly escalating to absurd levels."
However, since this was after all a matchup between Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh, and Pinkie Pie, there was none of that, and really that's just as well, because an exciting and dynamic matchup never beats a good anti-climax, right?
Pinkie bit her lip nervously. "I think it's a tie."
"How?" Twilight said, gnashing and grinding her teeth together. "How is that possible?"
"Well... Big Mac is already at zero life points after we did that really exciting and dynamic double-reverse-backstab ploy, right? But he was still in the game because of the Discordian Persecutor, and then he attacked both of us when our defences were down and beat you down to zero life, and he'll beat me down to zero life if I don't block, and I'll die and you'll both be dead, or if I block with Persecutor then Persecutor will die and then I guess technically I'll win but Big Mac will have killed both you and himself. So... I think it's a tie."
“It can't be a tie!” Twilight yelled, getting up and slamming her forehooves into the table, her wings fully extended and twitching.
She took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly, sinking back into her chair. “It's okay, this is okay... We'll just play another round, and whoever wins that—”
Dice Whirl's voice called out across the store. “Please finish up all matches, the next round begins in five minutes!”
“But—” Twilight felt the magic in her spell peter out and die, faced with an outcome it did not recognize, as Big Mac packed his deck into its box. Then he walked away with a smug smile, and Smarty Pants's face sticking out of the flap on his saddlebag.
Twilight sank her face in her hooves and sobbed.
–
Gradually, Twilight became aware of another voice sobbing nearby, a voice that rang a bell in her consciousness. Princess Celestia? Her eyes shot wide open, she rose up on her hind legs and turned to find her mentor as her most ingrained instincts took over control of her mind: Prime directive – serve and comfort Princess Celestia.
Princess Celestia was sitting hunched over one of the playing tables, her game seemingly completely forgotten. Sitting opposite her was a white, pale pink-maned pegasus who seemed vaguely familiar to Twilight, though she couldn't quite place her. The pegasus was biting her lip, her eyes shifting back and forth, looking incredibly uncomfortable beside the weeping Princess.
In a flash of light Twilight teleported to her mentor's side, and gently nuzzled her. “Princess? What in Equestria is wrong? Can I help you? Would you like something to drink? To eat? A rest? I'm not sure there are any couches nearby but if you want you can use me as a cushion? Would you like to wash your face? I don't have any hoofkerchiefs but you can use my fur, I won't mind!” Twilight turned an angry, inquiring glare on Sunny, whose jaw had dropped open.
Sunny was furious. Twilight had been ignoring her all day, she had been insulted to her face by a zebra, her student and her sister had possibly been doing things behind her flank, Queen Chrysalis had called her a tyrant, and now Twilight was doting on that impostor and staring Sunny down with murder in her eyes. Sunny's eyes flickered from Twilight to the weeping form of 'Princess Celestia'...
...and Celestia was looking directly back at Sunny with those cunning eyes. Something clicked, and they both understood, and they both understood that they both understood, and they both opened their mouths to shout but 'Princess Celestia' was just an infinitesimal bit quicker—
“Twinight, this mare is behaving suspiciously!” Princess Celestia cried. “Scan her for me!”
“Certainly, Princess Celestia!” Twilight said and fired a beam from her horn at Sunny Skies. Twilight gasped. “She's wearing a magical disguise! CHANGELING!!”
As the entire game store gasped and flocked around them, Sunny groaned, and rose up from her seat. “ENOUGH!” She roared in the Royal Canterlot Voice, and dispelled the illusion, revealing herself as Princess Celestia. “I have had enough of this lunacy!”
Twilight gasped again. “No ordinary changeling drone is powerful enough to impersonate an Alicorn!”
“Exactly,” the real Celestia said. “Now, Twilight, I need you to—”
“It must be Queen Chrysalis herself! EVERYPONY ATTACK!”
Celestia's attempt to speak was immediately interrupted by Big Mac bucking her in the face, followed by two dozen ponies leaping upon her from all sides.
Meanwhile, the real Queen Chrysalis, still untouched in her disguise, discreetly stepped out of the store with a smirk on her face, and disappeared.
–
Dash sighed happily as she sipped her cold, rainbow-colored fruit cocktail by the pool. Things had quickly improved since last night: she had woken up submerged in cool water in the tub, with Fluttershy gently sobbing as she held Dash's head above the water, her eyes red and her face streaked with tears. “Oh Dash!” she cried, her voice cracked and broken when she saw Dash wake up and focus on her, “I'm so, so, sorry! I didn't know that I was—” she chocked out a terrified squeal. “I almost killed you...”
Dash slowly lifted a hoof and gently stroked Fluttershy's leg. “...s'okay,” she muttered. “Flutters... I need to tell you something...” But then Fluttershy had put a hoof on Dash's mouth.
“Don't try to speak,” Fluttershy said, in the sternest voice she could muster, the one she used when she was taking care of sick or injured animals that didn't know their own good. “You need to rest and keep yourself cool. I'm going to take care of everything, you just focus on getting better.” She sniffed, a tear rolling down her muzzle, and she continued with a sad voice, “I... I know you must want to break the marriage off, after... last night. I deserve that... And I won't try to stop you... but please, let me take care of you now? I couldn't live with myself knowing that you might be hurt...”
Dash looked up at her best friend's desperate, miserable face, and nodded.
And since then everything has been looking up, Dash thought, taking another sip of her drink. It was non-alcoholic, on Fluttershy's insistence, but still deliciously cool as she sat beneath the parasol on their new hotel room's balcony. They had gotten the new room, a grand suite with a fully functioning air conditioning unit, after Fluttershy had gone down to the reception to discuss the matter with a disinterested manager and had ended up using the Stare. Since then, Dash had just been kicking back, napping, snacking, and letting Fluttershy fulfill her every need.
“How are you doing, Dash?” Fluttershy asked softly. “Can I get you anything?”
“Hey, Flutters. I'm feeling a lot better, thanks. Can I have another of these?” Dash shook her glass.
“Oh, of course! I'll be right back.”
Dash watched wistfully as she flew off. Good old Fluttershy. She's always been there for me. She sighed. She'll be totally heartbroken when I tell her... It sucks that it had to go like this. If anypony deserves to find love it's Fluttershy. If only there was something I could do to make sure she stays happy. Dash raised an eyebrow. ...No, I couldn't.
She thought about it some more. Images of her and Fluttershy living together filled her head, Fluttershy sitting in the VIP box at Wonderbolts shows, watching Dash fly in uniform overhead, celebrating Hearth's Warming Eve together in Fluttershy's cottage, drinking hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire with a leg around each other's shoulders, turning and looking into each other's eyes and leaning in for a kiss...
Dash's heart missed a beat. Okay, Miriam, new plan. So maybe I lied to and manipulated the feelings of my oldest and best friend, but she doesn't need to ever know that, does she? I can just carry on as if I was never lying about wanting to marry her in the first place, and everything will be just fine, and our life together totally won't be built on a lie, right?
Dash lay back and stretched her wings, a smirk on her face as Fluttershy came back with her drink. Yup, everything is coming up Rainbow. “Thanks, Fluttershy. Love you.”
Dash saw Fluttershy's anxieties melt away from her face, and felt a warmth in her chest that totally wasn't heat stroke. “I love you too, Dashie.”
Yup, once again the day is saved and nothing can possibly go wrong.
Okay, so maybe things are getting slightly out of hoof. That's not a problem is it?
This marks the end of the tournament play. Come back tomorrow for the debriefing, and we close on Sunday with the epilogue. Don't worry; they're funny too.
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Huh. At my usual store, the odd player out just gets a bye for the round. Though that wouldn't lead to such entertaining circumstances. And apparently Pinkie's playing a Grixis deck. Go figure.
Also, overriding prime directive or not, Twilight's going to notice when Celestia gets her name wrong. On the other hand, Chrysalis is probably going to remember the name of the mare who was instrumental in defeating her. On the third hand, I find it hard to believe that absolutely no one heard earlier conversation about drones and such... I want to let it go because of Rule of Funny, but this is a heavy strain on my suspension of disbelief.
Oh well. At least the Flutterdash is magnificently entertaining. I look forward to more.
I'm still waiting for the Flim vs. Flam 60-card Cheateymane mirror match.
3766052
It's pretty bad in that regard, yes. Though in my defense, Chrysalis also did an absolutely terrible impersonation of Princess Cadance, and nobody seemed to notice that.
Err, except Twilight
But yeah, a combination of stretching the Rule of Funny to the breaking point, and Twilight being pretty distracted by other concerns at the moment.
"And when I regained consciousness and saw her giving me CPR, it was love at first sight." Yeah, I described the FlutterDash subplot to my prereader as "romance that makes you want to kill someone".
3766088
good old Unhinged.
^^
3766160
I actually had not seen that particular card before
3765949
Indeed.
Planeswalkers aren't creatures. Ashiok wouldn't have died.
3832031
Abrupt Decay doesn't only destroy creatures, but nonland permanents :)
Oh geez Luna. Way to go there.
At least Zecora won the tounry? I'm pretty sure we haven't seen her loose. Though I don't think we've seen Chrysalis loose either.
And the Flutterdash continues to be...sickeningly sweet? Yeah thatl work.
Sad that the draw wasn't my favorite method for doing so. Unsiprised as the card neither fits anyone's deck and is pretty darn obscure. Behold the glory of Divine intervention!
3920358
And that is why Luna is never let out on her own.
Sickeningly sweet, eh? I always thought the romance was best described as "absolutely horrifying".
been there done that
Is that Trixie x Gilda I see?
Chryssie wins. Flawless victory.
Wow, Moonbutt, just wow.