• Member Since 10th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen 41 minutes ago

BronyofMeddlers


Just a writer going through on life with a couple of meddlers passing by.

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CANCELLED. Reason? Because I have nothing to give to this story for how sad it is.
I am a healer, I heal many things. From dangerous, to common. But what I cannot heal is myself. Lucky a changeling came to me. It happen like this.

This is my first attempt of making a story like this.
*warning reason for gore: he's a doctor, so there are injuries that are going to be gory*

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

It's a good start! Honestly though, when you upload a story is 90% of your chance for exposure. I really would spend the time editing in future. It doesn't take long. I find reading things out loud helps me, as when I read in my head, my mind fills in the missing gaps for me and I don't notice them.

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

First things first, WAY too many tags. Three is good, four is pushing it, and five and more is far too many. This can, and will, make you look like a newbie who's just trying to get his stuff shown across all the rag boards. It will get seen, and people will give you hate for abusing the tags (though not much compared to most other offenses).

Lucky Luckily a changeling came to me. It happen happened like this.

Speaking of most other offenses, errors in the description are a good way to get hate. The description is one of the first things that a reader will see of a story. If it's got errors then you're already letting people down. It also doesn't help that you used the wrong tense of: improved at the end there.

Anyways, no other pre-story problems, so onto the story!

I woke up in the morning. My eyes blink and blinked my [color] eyes a few times before I raise himself getting up and gave letting out a big yawned yawn.

You broke tense, used the wrong tense wording, and just plain used the wrong words here. All I can say is get an editor and/or proofreader if you've got stuff like this in your story. They'll be able to help you get these before assholes like me come along and gripe about it.

washing of hands

I was going to point out that you needed to use hooves here, but a bit of further reading told me that the real problem is that this is a human story. If this is the case then you need a human tag or else those who hate human crap will give you a dislike once they spot this fact.

You see I once was a healing, magical, fighting traveler helping others through the realms.

So he was an OP Gary Stu? Great! No. Gary/Mary Stu/Sues (essentially overpowered cardboard characters who everyone loves and are perfect, which sums up Abegril so far) are the scourge of fanfiction. If you have one of them in your story you'll get nothing but hate unless it's a satirical piece, and this one isn't. Again, an editor will be your best bet here as they'll be able to further help you develop a decent character.

And speaking of the character, what point is there to having him be this super-special human thing. If you removed all that stuff and just made him a unicorn the story would be no different (aside from not being yet another HiE, which is generally a good thing not to be in the first place). My suggestion, therefore, is ditch this character for a more standard pony one.

“40,000 and 501 five hundred and first visit!”

Write out all numbers less than 1,000. It's proper and makes you look less lazy.

“So what can I do for you today? Need musical instruments to fight off those parasprites?” I asked.

[New paragraph]She shook her head. “Naw, but its it's nice to visit you once and a while. Took me three tries of looking around until I found you!”

New speaker, new paragraph. That's a rule of writing. If you don't do this, everything becomes one big jumbled mess that isn't any fun to read, and that's no good.

“So long!”

For the record, Pinkie wasn't poorly done (in my opinion), so good job there, her character was decent.

As you can see this is unedited as well.

WHY!? This statement makes me (sorta) want to start a mob to chase you down with torches and pitchforks. There is no excuse for not editing a story beforehand (unless it's a trollfic), especially not the first chapter of your first story. Again: there is NO EXCUSE.

So yeah.

Either justify or get rid of the poor main character. Replacing him with a unicorn doctor in a small town would be far more appealing, as well as be much easier to write. The idea of him taking in a changeling to heal, while unoriginal, is interesting nonetheless and has potential. Potential, however, that you as a new writer do not have yet.

My suggestion for now is scrap the story (or place it on password view only until you've got more belly under your belt), and try for something easier as a first with help from an editor or proofreader. My suggestion for that is a slice-of-life one-shot between two characters in a set setting. This will let you practice using dialogue and descriptions of setting and character actions (something that also wasn't very well done here). Hell, maybe put your re-defined unicorn doctor into a situation with his changeling patient, that'd work great if you write it right.

Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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4229050 thanks for the criticism. Now I know what to do and not to do.

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