II: Spa Day
II: Spa Day
Rarity awoke out of her comfortable bed upstairs, stretching her legs to remove the bed's covers off of her body, climbing out of her bed carefully. Rarity trotted downstairs, waiting for Sweetie Belle to wake up.
''Sweetie Belle, we're going to the spa now!'' Rarity yelled to Sweetie Belle from downstairs.
''Okay, Rarity! Then after we get back, we can work on the artistic painting together?'' Sweetie Belle asked Rarity, as she trotted down the stairs to the front door of the Carousel Boutique. The two sisters were preparing to go out to the local spa in Ponyville, to finally spend some time together before they paint their masterpiece.
''Of course we will together, like I promised!'' Rarity said, throwing a pair of scarves over their necks to stay warm against the oppressive cold wind.
''Sure you did, I'll take your word for it for now.'' Sweetie Belle squeaked, opening the door with her hoof. A blanket of snow covered both of them from their heads to their hooves.
''Sweetie Belle! Enough fooling around, we have to go now!'' Rarity's horn started to glow with a blue aura surrounding her horn, throwing the snow outside with disinterest.
''Okay, Rarity. You know all of these rules, aren't my style!'' Sweetie Belle shouted at Rarity.
The two unicorn sisters opened the front door, running towards the day spa where the Blossom sisters worked. Aloe and Lotus Blossom have worked at the Ponyville Day Spa for quite some time now, they are always willing to give the best service to their customers to keep them satisfied. On a special day like this, Rarity and Sweetie Belle definitely needed to relieve all of the stress that they go through on a daily basis.
Rarity and Sweetie Belle rushed into the door with ease, ringing the bell at the front desk of the spa with a slight touch. Lotus Blossom and Aloe grabbed Rarity and Sweetie Belle with no hesitation, taking them to the spa corridors where they found the seaweed wraps, the mud baths, the pedicure stations, and the steam rooms were filled with steam.
''We're at your service!'' Lotus and Aloe Blossom said. They wrapped Rarity and Sweetie Belle in seaweed wraps, gave the both of them horn and hoof manicures, and started to massage their hooves and backs.
''This is so wonderful, isn't it Sweetie Belle? Sweetie Belle?'' Rarity asked, concerned.
''...I'm fine, Rarity,'' Sweetie Belle turned her back to Rarity, not even feeling the relaxing massages that she was receiving from the two spa sisters. ''It's just that this isn't the quality time that I wanted, sisters are supposed to do what sisters do together. Play in the mud, make dresses, have sleepovers, you know quality time. It's not like you would know anything about that, would you?'' Sweetie said, disgustingly. She walked off of the massage bed, trotting out to the spa's front door, opening the door with her hoof, slamming the door behind her angrily.
''Thanks for the service, but I've got to go get my sister back!'' Rarity rushed out of the spa in a hurry, running outside into the cold where Sweetie Belle ran off in a fit.
[/hr]
''What have I done?! Not only did I cause my only sister to leave me, I've also caused her to go out in the harsh cold winter all by herself without no supervision at all. I have to do the right thing and fast, before I regret it for the rest of my life!'' Rarity dropped down to her knees in the snow covered roads, her eyes started to water with the feeling of guilt and love.
''I guess I'm better off without a sister, Rarity never cared about me anyway.'' Sweetie mumbled to herself. She was struggling to keep herself warm, especially with the temperatures dropping to a very harsh climate. The clouds were showering the land of Ponyville with the huge loads of snow, and the ice started to accumulate on the once rigid dirt roads.
The young unicorn filly finally reached the door of her sister's Carousel Boutique. The whole front side of the Carousel Boutique was covered in snow and ice, mannequins were invisible to the naked eye due to the snow covering the display window of the workroom. ''Time to get in, I guess.'' Sweetie Belle charged at full speed towards the door, falling backwards from the impact of the door. The door itself was frozen shut, not even a rampaging bull could tear this door down.
[/hr]
Rarity was on a mission, to retrieve her sister, and keep her safe. The elegant mare trotted to the door of the Carousel Boutique, where she was standing at Sweetie Belle's side. ''I told you I would never leave you, you mean the world to me.'' Rarity pushed the door with a great deal of force with Sweetie Belle, the ice on the door shattered under the pressure of the two sisters.
''So you came back to see me, even with all of the things I said about you?'' Sweetie asked. She scratched her head with her hoof, raising an eyebrow at Rarity.
''I had to come back, Sweetie. If I didn't follow you at all, I would be the disgrace to all of the sisters all around Equestria. Besides, I love you.'' Rarity rubbed her coat with Sweetie Belle's coat, rubbing their muzzles together.
''I love you too, Rarity!'' Sweetie hugged her sister tightly, as the door finally opened from all of the pushing that they were doing.
With the warmth of the love and sisterly bond that they had, the two sisters are going to spend Hearth's Warming Eve together in the warm comfort of the Carousel Boutique, their home. The fireplace was warming the inside of the boutique, keeping the harsh cold winds outside, and warming their hearts with a heartwarming moment together.
[/hr]
''Sweetie Belle, I have a surprise for you.'' Rarity gathered the paint brushes and the paint cans, putting the canvas on a pair of four wooden stints to keep the canvas balanced. Rarity's blue aura surrounded the paint brushes, paint cans, and the art canvas. The aura covered all of the paint supplies, dipping the paint brushes into the paint cans, applying the paint on the canvas, and putting the canvas down safely.
Sweetie Belle kept her eyes closed, her eyes opened at the blink of an eye. ''I love it, Rarity! You're the best sister, any filly could ever ask for!'' Trying to contain her enthusiasm, Sweetie was bouncing on her hooves in excitement. ''I knew that this would bring us closer together!'' Sweetie said, with a squeak in her voice.
''I did it for us, we are apple pie!'' Rarity giggled. She wrapped a warm scarf around them, laying down on the floor with her sister near the warm fireplace. Rarity puckered her lips, kissing Sweetie Belle on the cheek. ''Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Sweetie Belle.''
''Happy Hearth's Warming Eve to you too, Rarity.'' Sweetie hugged her sister, with the scarf wrapped around them.
THE END!
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3740346 Thanks.
Hey! I figured since you checked out my story, I thought that it would only be right if I looked at some of yours. And, suffice to say, I was not disappointed. I've always love stories about Sweetie and Rarity's relationship.
Have a favorite and a follow.
3834972 Thank you very much! It means a lot when other writers give good compliments, especially on my stories!
3834985 No problem! I'm always happy to leave a comment for a friend.
3835003 Good to hear, just to repay you back I followed you back!
3835012 Thanks!
3835015 You're welcome!
That was cute
3951137 Thank you, much obliged!
4261493 Thanks for your sincere review, hope you keep enjoying it!
It's a nice conclusion, short and sweet that gets everything flowing nicely and has a little bit of drama to boot.
It's a nice pick up from last time and does a good job in separating feelings and tones early enough. Rarity likes her established rules, Sweetie Belle is practically born defying them too. Either way, it's a pleasant little dichotomy that is going on. Actually it was a nice little foreshadowing with the snow and the door. While I have no idea how cold Ponyville actually gets, I know the 'stuck out in the winter time' is actually a pretty big deal here. So it's a nice bit of tension without going too overboard
.
Good to see a return of Rarity O'hara though I think the scene break is a bit premature and should likely be here instead of right before that particular paragraph. Either way, Rarity O'hara is always cute.
That was fun, thanks a lot mate!
4284548 Thank you for your review!
Aww, what a really sweet story.
4415641 Thank you, I'm glad that you enjoyed it!
The drama and characterization was good enough to get me through the distraction of shifting tense - you have a bit of a problem about staying consistently past tense or present tense.
I like this story, a lot; I like Rarity's mistake as doing things for Sweetie Belle that she would want for herself, without trying to get in Sweetie's head.
4527693 Thank you for your constructive criticism, I'm glad that you liked my story!
I'll try to fix my inconsistency with using one tense.
I liked the story
But....their are a few...concerns I have. If I may be so bold to present some tips!
1) Keep the dialogue and the rest of the narrative on separate paragraphs.
example: "blah, blah, blah" said Rarity.
Sweete Bell didn't really catch what her sister had said but....
2) Indents are cool, like fezes. So indent and be 20% cooler than you already are
3) Maybe some slower pacing? I felt like their was soooo much you wanted to convey....but maybe you had trouble?(happens to me a lot)
Also their was som character, paradoxes. Like one minute the cashier is a downer, the next he's perky?
Any who keep on being awesome and 'Stay Gold'.
4591157 Thanks your very honest criticism! I'll make sure to fix those problems in my next fan fiction.
4591225 Glad to help. Guess i'll just have to 'watch' you to see if you really do.
I kid, I kid
4591264 Oh, you!
I thought this was a sweet story, and I thought you captured the characters well.
4689550 Thank you so much, I try!
Damn, you made me cry! Too cute!
4690350 That was intentionally.
4690356 I kinda figured!
4690360 Well, glad that you enjoyed it!
4690374 Definitely! I'll have to read more of your work tomorrow!
4690380 Well, good luck and have fun!
4690390 I'm sure I will!
4690395 Well okay.
4690400
4690405 Well, see ya!
4690411 Bye!
Hello again.
If it's okay, I'd like to review this story if you don't mind.
Well, to start, this was a good story. Not great, but good nonetheless.
To begin, I'd like to point out, well, the story itself. I like the fact that Rarity promised Sweetie Belle some quality time, but failed when she decided to go to the spa instead. A great reference to the episode this was based off of. The fact that when Rarity thinks of Quality time with her sister, she only thinks about herself; and it's nice to see that that was put to good use here.
The only problems I can say, is one: the pacing. Yes, you got the reasons why they felt the way they felt right. Just it needs to be slightly more descriptive. Take for example the ending. You wrote that Sweetie opened her eyes, followed by, "I love it, Rarity!..." ... Um, shouldn't you at least say that she was surprised. It feels as if she already knew what she was going to get instead of... Well, being surprised.
Two, the scene in the Arts and Crafts store. Yeah, it felt unneeded. I know it's because it's Hearths Warming. But, it felt more like filler rather than it contributed to the story. It would've been much better if she just bought the arts and crafts, went to work, got tired, and said she wanted to go to the spa instead. That would've been a much better reason to go to the spa instead of, well going to the store.
So, to summarize. This story was sweet. The emotions were believable (even though it needed a little more description), the exploration of this concept was nice, and the execution was done well, not perfect, but well. Though, like I said, pacing needs work; and you need to know what scenes are needed for a story, and what aren't. But, overall, I liked it.
4714198 Thanks for the review once again, I'm quite aware of my problems in the stories.
4714210
You're welcome, my friend...
Hey, you know what, here's a follow.
4714219 I followed you back.
I can see why you review a lot.
4714223
It's what I do as a hobby, and to see if I can make a difference.
Thank you, by the way.
4714238 It's my pleasure.
4722471 That was the plan all along, consider yourself impressed.
Oh my, gosh, when she said it in the episode, I laughed and I laughed when I read it here, too. I really liked this!
4722480 I'm really glad that you liked it, means a lot coming from you.
4748233 Yeah, not a perfect story I know. Thanks though.
Just a few more comments,
Positives:
I liked the raw emotion, and the characterization.
Very sweet and heartwarming (no pun intended) ending
Negatives:
-No dramatic tension or suspense in the runaway attempt... Charles in Charge would call that milquetoast (To give you a sense of context, in one episode, Jamie and Sarah snuck out at night and made it almost all the way past the front lawn before chickening out. SO EDGY!)
-Some of Sweetie B's dialogue doesn't really sound like how a kid would talk
But to end on a positive note, I loved the message and it did genuinely feel like Sweetie learned something, which was biggest part of the story.
4757464 You got a point there, thanks.
4782129 I should've gotten a proofreader or editor at the time, but I didn't think that I needed one when I first started this story. Though, I agree with you on the redundant dialogue.
I don't understand didn't Sweetie Belle want to go to the day spa? Isn't that what she had asked for? Also, they never did anything that was particularly sister like. I mean, Rarity goes to the store to buy the supplies but never actually uses them. So that entire scene becomes pointless. I think the only purpose there was for a first chapter was to set everything up.
Also when she finally does get to the spa it's like she didn't want to come in the first place? The climax didn't feel all that well...climatic. It had no emotional pay off for the reader and while the story as a whole is okay. The chapters aren't that strong on their own. Look I'm not hating here but this story just wasn't that great. I just hope the stories that follow it are much better.
Overall I give the story a 5/10. Well done.
Cute story! "Sisterhooves Social" is one of my favorite episodes and this reminded me of it a lot :) Rarity is up for having quality time with her lil sis, but needs to realize that doing something that they can enjoy together is more fun than wanting to do something because she alone likes it. I thought Sweetie Belle was up for wanting to go to the Spa though, or did I miss something?
A few friendly critiques :) I'd say that when it comes to dialogue, remember that for each character that's speaking, a new paragraph is needed. I was able to follow it without any trouble but it just helps make the format a bit neater. Also, when describing actions that are being done by the characters, try "showing" instead of telling. It makes it more fun!
Thanks for recommending this story to me, it was a nice read
4851902 Thank you for the review!
5374815 That deserves to be its own quote, made my day.