A Hearth's Warming Tragedy
“So how are you this morning, my dear?” the unicorn doctor asked in that familiar, detached tone. She knew he was only keeping a professional distance, but all the same, she wished he’d sound a bit more involved. “I know you’ve been having some trouble with your medication these last few days.”
“I’m feeling good today, Doctor Smiles,” the young earth pony said, shifting on the not-quite-comfortable chair. She brushed a lock of amber mane out of her eyes, turning her gaze to the bookshelf on the far wall. “I haven’t had a single panic attack or moment of altered consciousness since you increased my dosage.”
Taking on the expression of his namesake, the doctor glanced down at his notes. “Yes, that’s good; it means you’re starting to get better.” He nodded at the pale raspberry-grey mare before returning to his notes. “Now, as you recall, Olanzapine is known to have some adverse effects. Have you noticed anything off? No rashes, seizures, hair loss, or sensitivity to light?”
A wave of heat flooded the young mare’s cheeks, and she wrapped her tail around her flanks, her eyes downcast. She mumbled something inaudible to the physician. How could she say such a personal thing? He hadn’t directly asked the question, but she knew nonetheless that it was implied. Have you gained weight? It was an improper thing for any mare to be asked, even indirectly!
Doctor Smiles softened his expression and tried to reassure her. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Lily. You know that whatever happens as a result of your treatment is not a reflection of you, but a symbol of your own desire to get better,” he said. “There’s no need to be upset by it.”
“But it is embarrassing!” She stomped a hoof on the edge of the chair as if to punctuate her statement. Flicking her ears, Lily began to recount all of the things her medication had done to her. “I’m gaining weight like you wouldn’t believe, I have to pee all the time, and my bedclothes always smell of milk first thing in the morning. I’m almost always hungry, even after a meal, and even though I’m always tired, I just can’t sleep. And to top it all off, I’m swollen like a cow’s udder!” She looked pleadingly at her therapist, forehooves beating a fevered tempo on the edge of the chair as a dark tendril began to worm its way through her heart. Her breathing hastened, and her eyes took on a frightened edge. “I know this is all to make me better, but all of this just makes me feel like, I don’t know, some kind of freak.”
“Lily Valley, you are not a freak,” Doctor Smiles said firmly, his tone taking on an uncharacteristic harshness as the smile left his visage. Levitating over a box of tissues, he shot a warning glance at the orderly. The burly earth pony had been positioned by the door, poised to intervene at a moment’s notice. As soon as he noticed the patient's potentially aggressive behavior, he’d slowly slipped ever closer, just in case she proved violent. “You know that we never say such things here at Broadhoof Memorial Psychiatric Hospital. You were not a freak when your condition incited countless bouts of hysteria in Ponyville. You are not a freak for seeking to remedy your troubles. You will never be a freak because of the side effects of your medication.” He clapped his hooves emphatically. “Now, repeat after me: I am not a freak.”
“I-I-I-I am n-not a freak,” she repeated, slowing her frantic stomping. “I am not a freak.” Her breathing steadied as she further repeated the mantra. Finally, after the twelfth reiteration, her hooves ceased their movements. As the moment of silence that followed dragged on, she gently accepted the tissues and began drying her eyes. When she finally mustered the courage to face him, her golden orbs were red-rimmed and still moist with tears. “I’m sorry, Doctor. I did it again—I had another episode, didn’t I?”
“While you did become increasingly agitated, I would not go so far as to call it a panic attack or schizophrenic episode.” His namesake returned, and she relaxed in her seat a bit. “You’re simply under a lot of undue stress from the increase in your dosage. It will pass as you grow accustomed to the change in your dosage, but if you like, I can have some compatible sleep aids added to your evening regimen. Aside from that, if you are experiencing galactorrhea, it might be a result of hyperprolactinemia, in which case we need to monitor your mineral intake and possibly supplement your calcium.”
She paused, glancing at the orderly. “That would be wonderful, Doctor Smiles,” she said. “Maybe if I get a good night’s sleep, I won’t feel so—” She caught herself before she said one of the forbidden words. She wasn’t worthless, after all. She was hurt and in need of guidance, but she was absolutely not worthless. “—badly in the morning.”
“You’ve been doing so well since your last episode.” The doctor nodded in agreement, retrieving the tissue box from her side. Inciting an unfortunately violent riot after convincing the other patients that the kitchen staff was drugging the food to render everypony more compliant was certainly not one of her prouder moments. She hadn’t been unlucky enough to go straight to solitary, but she was remanded to the Intensive Care wing and forbidden rewards until her paranoid behavior had petered out. That had been a few days before the coming of winter. “I think that deserves a little reward, don’t you?”
Perking up, she looked hopefully toward her doctor. “Oh! Can I go to the greenhouse?” For a short moment, her heartbeat increased, but her excitement died slightly as a thought crossed her mind. “I hope nopony let my calla lilies wither and die.”
The doctor shook his head, dampening her spirits slightly. “You know that the greenhouse undergoes maintenance during the Hearth’s Warming season, Lily,” he chided. “The only ponies allowed in there right now are the maintenance crews and the gardeners maintaining everypony’s projects. Don’t worry, though. Your callas are fine, Lily.”
Lily nodded solemnly. “That’s good.” After all, her sisters Roseluck and Daisy brought her those lilies as seedlings. The flowers were given to her on the last day her sisters came to visit, before seeing her like this became too painful for them both. “It’d be a shame if they died... I mean, Rosie brought me seedlings that had germinated from her prize winning callas and trusted me with them. I know me being like this hurts them enough, but how would she feel if her flowers died because I behaved irresponsibly?”
“That’s exactly why I think you deserve a reward,” he said in that professionally detached tone. “That attitude indicates you are focusing less on yourself and your fears, and more about the feelings of others. None of those things are on your mind when you are unwell. It means you’re making progress.
“For that, I think you should go to the Hearth’s Warming Eve concert and pageant being held in the cafeteria this evening,” he continued emphatically. “A bit of the seasonal festivity is just what you need to brighten up your spirits.”
“I think I’d like that.”
“Good, unless there’s anything else, we should probably call this session to a close.” He sat his clipboard and notes down on a nearby desk. He caught a worried look from her but quickly dispelled any fears she might have with a nod. “Don’t worry. The nurses and orderlies will be made aware that you are permitted to attend. We don’t want any miscommunications at the best of times, never mind at this time of year.”
She knew what he meant, even if he hadn’t worded it accordingly. Broadhoof was a depressing place most of the year, and it simply wouldn’t do for a pony to be promised something and then have it taken from them because somepony didn’t get the memo. It was that sort of thing that had caused the pony in the room next to hers to relapse into paranoid delusions, feeling more isolated and cornered each day, before finally attempting to break his bed frame and gouge his throat. He lived, but he didn’t speak any more after that. She knew Smiles was referencing that.
“Of course. I suppose I should be going then,” she said. “I hear today is a sweet potato soup day. Much better than beet soup.”
“Right, before you go, remember the mantras,” he replied.
“I am okay. Everything is fine. The world is not ending,” she said, her lips curling upward in spite of the rosy tinge taking over her cheeks. “If I think I’m beginning to have an episode, I should approach an orderly, ask to return to my room, and stay there until I can be sedated or the episode passes.”
The doctor nodded to the orderly, inclining his head to point Lily toward the orderly. “Excellent, Lily. Would you follow Vigil out, then?” he said. “He’ll make sure you get to your afternoon activity.”
~ { A - H - W - T } ~
As Lily sat in the cafeteria, munching away at the generous portion of soup in her bowl, she couldn’t help but grin at her change in fortune. In spite of all that had happened during these last few months, things were starting to look up. Doctor Smiles had basically agreed that she had been improving, and now she was getting a reward! Finally, a night not just spent reading botany books in the common room! She was practically dancing about it, barely going through the motions of her afternoon activities, and now could barely focus on her soup.
While she knew she shouldn’t feel like an excited schoolfilly being given a treat, the reward for her progress bolstered her spirits all the same. The excitement allowed her to overlook the general gloom about the facility, but more importantly the foalish delight allowed her to omit the fact that many ponies hadn’t forgotten about her role in that riot. Many of the ones seated in her section were the ones that had turned violent in the uprising, landing themselves time in solitary, and they certainly hadn’t forgiven her. At every meal, she dealt with ponies glaring—a bitter reminder of the harm her paranoid panics had caused.
At least she didn’t have to be paranoid that any of them would lash out at her. Everypony in the facility had a healthy fear of Nurse Ratchet if they knew what was good for them. Even the orderlies feared the mare and rightly so. Oh, she was condescendingly sweet if you were a good little filly or colt, but the moment you stepped a hoof out of line, she came hard and sharp like a switch. You’d lose privileges and rewards, or if you’re unlucky, you’d get time in the hole.
Eventually, she dawdled for too long, and dinner came to an end. A bit more of her soup ended up on her light green patient’s gown than usual, but the thought of something different in her routine was too distracting. She was left sitting in front of a half-empty bowl while being prodded on by an orderly. “Get in line,” the mare said. “Dinner’s over.”
“Yes’m,” Lily replied, rising from her spot on the bench. Though the orderly was close beside her as they walked, she barely noticed the mare, as her focus was mostly on the forming lines of ponies as they queued to return to their wings. Patients from Intensive Care were caught ‘accidentally’ queuing up in the line destined for the Short-term Care wing. It was perfectly reasonable to expect a mistake or two of that nature, but the nurses, assistants, and orderlies were brutally adamant about it all the same and treated any such incident as an escape attempt. Shouting and beratement were common in those times that she observed one mare that had continually make the same mistake, but punishments weren’t unheard of either. Some of the more aggressive patients used that to their advantage even, by forcing an outsider in that direction.
Needless to say, she didn’t want to open that whole kettle of oats after just being rewarded with being able to attend the concert and pageant. She was being rewarded for good behavior, and by Celestia was she determined to show that she deserved it. Petty acquaintances or misfortune weren’t going to interfere in this boon to her psyche.
Besides, all the details had been covered by a talk with one of the orderlies. She was told that ponies opting to attend a concert or group display would be escorted back down to the cafeteria by an assistant, or orderly as necessary, at nineteen hundred hours. That in itself gave her more than enough time to change and tidy up. There was no sense in appearing slovenly here.
Oddly enough, as she was lead through the labyrinthine corridors and up the stairwells of the facility, she found her excitement mildly tempered. She focused less on the immediate future and more on the layout of the building. She’d been reprimanded more than once for getting lost after being separated from any form of supervision because she stopped to stare out a window, so now she took the time to memorize the halls running throughout the place.
Personally, she didn’t think that she warranted the mandatory escort; after all, by no definition was she violent. Rather, she was certain that she could make it back to her room from any point in the building. The only issues would generally be orderlies stationed at the divisional line between two sections of the hospital.
Still, thoughts of moving unfettered through the hospital were rendered hopeless fantasy by the results of the riot, which still loomed over her head like a stormcloud. Many ponies were hurt, and while Doctor Smiles assured her that she would likely be allowed to return to the short-term wing, so long as she continued to improve, she knew deep down that what she’d done indicated that she represented an indirect threat to others while in an altered state brought on by her episodes. Chances were good that they weren’t going to let her back into the general populace until she was ‘cured’. Even then, that was more of an if than anything else.
Upon reaching her room, she was able to take solace in the fact that she had her quiet place. Tearing off her gown, she meandered tiredly to her closet, eager to deposit the article in the laundry bin. As she pulled a fresh gown off of the top shelf, she took a moment to ponder whether or not the sleep aids would really help with the fatigue. Both the fatigue and insomnia were symptoms of the medication—Smiles insisted that she be able to recognize the possible side effects—but there were other causes for those. Tying in the frequent urination, increased appetite, weight gain, and her apparent lactation, there was another option.
Lily had never finished a higher education like the doctors here, but she was a mare. There were certain things that mares just knew, either through experience or education, and one of them was how to recognize the signs of pregnancy. Though she wasn't as promiscuous as some mares in Ponyville, even she had needs... and the last time she'd been in estrus and with a stallion... It certainly did fit with how long she'd been hospitalized.
The possibility was there, even if nopony would outright say it. At the same time though, if she were pregnant, wouldn't it show up on the magical scans during her well-being checks? Surely they'd tell her, right? They'd have to... unless...
She shook her head as she pulled the clean gown down over her head and the pudge of her belly, tamping down on the thought. This wasn't the first time she'd been dealing with these concerns. In fact, only days ago, when she first noticed the milky substance clinging to her fur and bedclothes, she'd almost had a panic attack. She'd had to remind herself that they would have told her if she was pregnant, and that thinking otherwise was to slip into paranoia, which inevitably led to full on delusions and the occasional hallucination. It had been enough to prevent an anxiety attack then, and it was enough to do so now. She simply had to trust in the medical staff and believe that the treatment was working, and everything would be perfectly fine. She had never gotten up enough confidence to bring up that concern in sessions yet, though.
Convinced that she was no longer in danger of lapsing into a bout of paranoia or having any sort of attack, she sat on her bed and attempted to straighten out her mane with a brush, all the while staring idly at a photograph of her and her sisters that was taped to the mirror on the vanity across from her bed. It served as both a reminder of what she'd lost and a goal to strive for. Their togetherness was damaged like her mind, but like her mind, the pieces could be put back together, however slowly.
“Miss Valley,” a nurse's assistant called through the door, accompanied by a gentle knock. “It's time for the concert.”
“Thank you,” she said, climbing off of the bed with a bit of a yawn. Trotting to the door, she smiled back at the photograph. “I might not be with you this Hearth's Warming Eve, but I'm going to do my best to make the best of tonight.”
~ { A - H - W - T } ~
The young mare was quite enjoying herself at the concert. The ponies in the makeshift orchestra had worked together to make the concert and pageant into a combined effort in order to account for the limited time slot before patients were sent off to the baths. As a result, the pageant had taken the form of an opera, something a non-musical mare like Lily wouldn't have even considered doing.
The group of musicians was certainly no Canterlot Philharmonic Orchestra, be it in skill or instruments, but they were working with what they had, and they positively did it well. Lead by a face familiar to Lily, one Lyra Heartstrings, the symphony meshed perfectly with the efforts of the soprano singer, whose voice drove the story along at a reasonable pace.
His lyrics were concise and toned perfectly to reflect the arcs in the storytelling. Each scene reverberated with carefully decided themes. Those regarding the earth ponies were solemn and deliberate while the pegasi scenes were brash, with a militaristic snare drum beat throughout. Finally, those scenes involving the unicorns took on a mystical quality, lead by Lyra's own lyre. When the races were together, the themes all managed to mesh in perfect harmony, a subtle foreshadowing of the end of the tale. For her, this enrapturing display was the one of the best Hearth's Warming gifts she could have asked for... one of...
Further and further the recital went, each verse growing more dire and melancholy than the last. Eventually, as the display grew closer and closer to the point at which Smart Cookie, Clover the Clever, and Private Pansy were freezing to death in the cave, Lily’s lip began to quiver and tears began blur her vision. Maybe it was the marvelous display, or the melancholic sense of lost hope carried in the singer's voice, but more and more she wished Roseluck and Daisy were there with her.
This, of course, led her thoughts toward the event that lead to her voluntary admittance. Even months later, the event was still clear to her as the day it happened. She had set up their stall in the town market along with her sisters, eager to sell some of their wares. She remembered this especially because of how eager Daisy was to make a few extra bits. With a foal on the way, she needed all the help she could get.
That day, though, was a particularly paranoid one for Lily. Over that past week, a trio of fillies calling themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders had been up to all sorts of trouble, most of it ending up in massive disruptions that hampered their sales, and she was convinced that the girls were targeting her specifically. Things were often damaged, catapulted, immolated, or overturned when the three were near, and it only ever seemed to happen near their stall. At the time, she thought it perfectly reasonable to be suspicious of the fillies.
A traveling merchant—a stallion selling all sorts of creepy exotic pets—had set up his cart on the opposite end of the square and had drawn quite a crowd. The feeling of her heart sinking as she watched the trio of terror approach the stallion's wares. They seemed particularly interested in some critter on one of the lower shelves that had folded out of his cart. Her heart began racing when she saw the little orange one start tapping on the glass with what looked to her like a malicious grin.
The thought of those evil fillies purposely unleashing the furry, spiny, and scaly horrors on Ponyville had been too much for her to handle, so she did the only thing that had made sense at the time. “Don't touch that! You could break it, you clumsy foal!” she'd screamed with absolute certainty. “I won't let you willfully ruin another day of sales for us when my sister is so close to term!”
Whether it was the tone in her voice or the volume at which she'd screamed, she couldn't tell to this day, the filly jumped up in surprise, slamming her head on the shelf above her. In the end, it didn't really matter what startled little Scootaloo. The resulting impact dislodged a shelf bearing a glass terrarium, inside which rested a rather large Zebrican rock python. The glass case, of course, toppled to the ground, unleashing the snake.
Panic reigned supreme as the ancient, instinctual fear of snakes overtook the sanity of the crowd. Ponies began to scream, running every which way. Before long, everypony grouped together into a single herd, running down the street in a stampede unlike anything she'd ever seen.
Daisy had been out getting lunch for the three of them when she was caught up in the stampede. She'd just come around a corner when the poor mare saw them advancing at a rapid pace. To Lily’s horror, present and past, she panicked—froze—and dropped to the ground, trying to protect the foal in her belly. Nopony in the group even noticed her as they nearly trampled her to death.
Tears began to spill readily down Lily's cheeks as she recalled visiting Daisy in the hospital that same evening. Just looking at her sister while she’d been unconscious had been painful enough, but to see the empty look in her sister's eyes when the doctor explained that she would never have the use of her hind legs again was caused something to break inside of her. It only got worse from there when the doctor pulled her aside and explained that Daisy's foal hadn't made it. She couldn't even speak, that's how empty she felt.
Neither Daisy nor Rose ever openly blamed her for the stampede, despite her overwhelming guilt. They insisted that the whole thing was just one terrible accident, but Lily had convinced herself that they hated her. She began hearing whispers that weren't there, seeing shadows moving. As the days went on, the notion that her sisters had conjured a demon to get their justice against her had implanted itself firmly in her mind.
From there, she'd stopped visiting Daisy in the hospital and barely left her room at home. Her distrust for her own sisters had grown so out of control that one night, when Roseluck had attempted to bring her food, she'd leapt out of her second story bedroom window in order to get away. She hadn't gotten very far, since her ankle had twisted in the fall. When Rose came down to her and wrapped her in a tight hug, she was in tears.
In the first moment of clarity the mare had in days, she uncovered the truth of the situation. Daisy felt abandoned by Lily and had openly told her other sister that she didn't want to live in a world where the three of them could no longer love each other. All that time, Daisy hadn't hated Lily at all; if anything, she'd only wanted her sister by her side, so they could get through the grief together. She knew then that she had a problem that would continue to drive her family apart if she did nothing.
When she finally mustered up the courage to face her disheartened sister, she apologized with all of her heart, confessed to her paranoid delusions, and begged forgiveness for believing that they'd hated her for something completely out of her control. Daisy just smiled and hugged her sister. She nodded when Lily explained that she was going to admit herself to Broadhoof so that she could get the help she needed and come out being the supportive sister that Daisy needed.
Caught up in her reminiscence, she barely even noticed the opera drawing to an end. She was too swept up in the grips of a sudden thought. What if she was so wound up about her possible pregnancy because of what it would mean to Daisy? If Lily gave birth in this place, she wasn't sure she'd be permitted to keep a foal, and she was almost certain that they couldn't pass her baby off to her sisters—not with all of Daisy's medical bills and the fact that their flower business was wilting with only one pair of sturdy hooves working the stall. Not even with Daisy writing copies at town hall could they afford her bills and to care for her child.
Wasn't that why her sisters didn't come anymore? That's right! They didn't come because they couldn't afford to take the time off to come visit. It wasn't like they hated her. They said they loved her in spite of everything! Rosie wouldn't have entrusted her with her prized callas if that was goodbye! It was a gesture of trust! She trusted Lily, just like Lily trusted her. Even if she hadn't heard them say it in forever, she knew they loved her because she needed them to.
Her rapid breathing grew out of control as she wrestled with her near cyclic thoughts. They didn't hate her. They hadn't tricked her into going to the asylum. She hadn't been abandoned! Everything was fine! Try as she might though, the concerns just wouldn't leave her. Like a cancer to her mind, the fear that her world was crashing down around her ears began drowning out every healthy part of her mind. Even though she knew that this was an anxiety attack, she couldn't strangle it. Her mind was running wild like a foal with a permanent marker, blacking out parts of her very being.
Then, without warning, a fire alarm sounded, snapping her mind shut like a steel trap. An intercom somewhere in the room crackled to life, and through it, she heard the Chief of Medicine, Doctor Valentino Rose speak. “This is an evacuation order for all staff and patients. We have a Code Red in the western block of the building. Please exit the building through the eastern yard in a calm and orderly manner, I repeat...”
“A fire?” a mare in the crowd shrieked. In the past, Lily might have even been that mare, but the therapy had helped curb that. “What if we get trapped? I don't want to burn alive!”
She knew that she should feel alarmed at the constant wail of the fire alarm and the fact that the western block, the portion of the hospital that held Intensive Care, was apparently on fire, but she could scarcely bring herself to believe this was actually happening. At one moment, she was having a panic attack as though her world was on fire, and now she was apparently inside a burning building. It felt too convenient.
This was all a hallucination brought on by a relapse. The stresses of being without her loved ones on the loneliest day of the year had clearly been too much for her, and now she was having a schizophrenic episode, just like she had when she'd thought her sisters were plotting against her. Still, she recognized that she was having an episode. That was good. It meant she could still find a real orderly.
First things were first, though. Group sessions had taught her that though ponies in a hallucination couldn't hurt you physically, the things they said or did brought her companions no less pain. A berating from an imagined nurse was every bit as hurtful as the real thing to those unable to differentiate.
They couldn't hurt her if they couldn't see her, she reckoned, so when the mass of faux ponies she'd slipped into passed by the cloth-covered stage, she slipped beneath it. Convinced nopony had seen her, she stopped to steady her breathing. She counted off sixty seconds as she waited for the last sounds of panicked ponies to leave through the eastern door of the cafeteria. Only when she was absolutely sure that she was clear did she peek out.
Out by the west doors, she saw an orderly she'd been with earlier today. She thought his name was Vigil, but she couldn't be sure. The imagined siren was making it hard to focus. Trotting up to him, she gave him an apologetic look. “Hi, Vigil, right?” she said. He didn't respond beyond a silent nod. “Um, I believe I'm having a rather vivid hallucination right now, and I was hoping you could take me to my room so that I can cool my head. Would that be alright?”
The stallion glanced down at her, his brow furrowed. He seemed to consider this for a minute before nodding. He even indulged her in her eagerness to leave by allowing her to open the doors: something that was usually never allowed. She figured he was just being careful not to further agitate her condition, but thought better of mentioning it.
Thankfully, as her silent escort led her into the west block, the alarms began to quiet down before coming to a complete stop. Maybe her episode was isolated to that one room? It'd certainly make a lot of sense—much more than the building being on fire. That was ridiculous!
Up the stairs and through the maze he ushered her, humoring her with the doors, and listening quietly to her prattle. All the while, Lily couldn't help but marvel at the snow that appeared to be falling from the air vents, glittering in the day’s last beams of light. “Wow, it's like a Hearth's Warming miracle, Vigil!” she said, dancing about and coughing as she inhaled some snowflakes. “It's too bad that you don't see any of this. Sometimes I think if you guys could see half the things we do, you wouldn't be so eager to medicate us, you know? It's just so pretty, seeing ash fall like snow indoors.”
She thought she heard an amused chuckle from him, but that could have been the grumbling of the intercom on another floor. She found it odd that she hadn't heard him speak once since she'd met him this morning. She hadn't the slightest idea what his voice sounded like, and it made her curious, but it didn't matter anyway. She was unwell, and she needed rest.
Thankfully, the journey through the halls proved as short as they'd been earlier, and they soon came out right in the middle of Intensive Care, her room door already in sight. She didn't find it too odd that all of the doors in the hallway were open, as part of the routine was a bi-weekly room inspection. It was rather curious that they would have just completed their search for contraband at the same time she was having a psychotic episode, but her frayed, tired mind chalked it up to paranoia.
She turned to thank the stallion for his escort, but he was nowhere in sight. It made sense that he might have gone ahead to inform the ward’s nurses, trusting in her to make it to her room just a few steps away. It almost bothered her that though the two of them had traveled together, there had only been one set of hoof prints through the ash, the entire way. Logically speaking though, he wasn't part of her hallucination, so there was no reason for him to have an effect on the illusion, right? Yeah! He’d have no more interaction with the ash than the fires would burn him.
A wave of lethargy crashed over her, and she decided that going to bed now was probably a good idea. The fog of tiredness blanketed her mind, leaving her slightly addled, and making it hard for her to think. The hazy smoke in her vision, thanks to her episode, wasn’t helping anything, either. If she went to bed early because an episode was leaving her drained, the nurses would surely understand. She trotted into her room before sleep could claim her in the hall. It certainly wouldn’t do to have her new prescription of sleep aids get her into trouble for falling asleep in the wrong place.
She smiled, thinking about Doctor Smiles as she entered the room, closing the iron door behind her. He may have seemed emotionally detached because of his role in her therapy, but she knew that he cared for her all the same. The stallion was always so accommodating with her, always ready to adjust her therapy to suit her changing needs without a second thought. Even now, his sleep aid was doing a wonderful job, making her drowsy and surprisingly relaxed. She would have to make a thank-you card in her morning arts and crafts session tomorrow.
Without even a second thought, she plucked the family photo from her vanity mirror as she passed it by. Going against all of the horrible thoughts that had occurred to her this evening, her love for her sisters burned stronger than ever. Even if she couldn’t curl up with them in front of the fire like they’d done when they were fillies, they were here with her in spirit, she thought as she pulled herself onto the bed.
As she pulled the ashen covers over her body, it occurred to her that this was the most peaceful she’d felt in a long time. Even before that tragic night, she had been at ill ease, always anxious about what disaster was just around the corner. As she lay there, photograph clutched to her barrel, she knew that she hadn’t felt so peaceful since foalhood. Maybe a sedative was all she needed to bring that extra bit of calm to her.
“I’m really glad that Doctor Smiles prescribed me the sleep aid. I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years or more,” she whispered. Bringing the photograph up to nuzzle one last time before sleep took her, she allowed herself a brief smile. She was getting better, and it was all thanks to those pills. But wait... she hadn’t had her evening medicine yet. That didn’t come until the end of personal time. She hadn’t even been taken to the baths yet!
If she hadn’t had her pills yet, why was she so sleepy? It didn’t make any sense to her that she would be this tired, unless... Oh. A bubble of admonishment burst in her stomach as she realized what had happened. She had been hallucinating, but she’d been mistaken as to her hallucination. If there really was a fire, then this wing, housed on one of the uppermost floors, was likely filling with deadly gasses. Her lethargy was a result of her slow suffocation, wasn’t it?
The photograph slipped from her weakening grip as her self-admonition gave way to tears. Her own emotions had played her a fool, and now she was in too deep for the expectation of another Hearth’s Warming miracle. If this much ash, and smoke was here, wasn’t it fair to assume that the fires were close behind?
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to go like this, though. She’d be long gone before the tongues of flame licked the flesh from her bones, so it wasn’t like she’d be in pain. From everything she heard, it was just like going to sleep. All she had to do was close her eyes, and she’d be running with her parents and ancestors on the Elysian Fields. Her sisters would be sad for her death to be certain, but in time, the pain would lessen. They’d come to recognize that she was finally wrapped in the warm embrace of peace that her mind had robbed her of so long ago.
They wouldn’t be paying for her care here anymore. Between her life insurance and the inevitable settlement from the hospital, they’d be quite well off. They’d be able to pay their debts and get on with their lives. The thought of her sisters getting married and having families, especially Daisy, brought a weak smile to her face. Maybe this wasn’t the best gift she could give them, but in time they might forgive her.
“Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve, girls,” she said, closing her eyes. “I love you both.”
~ { A - H - W - T } ~
“Do you really think we’ll find her in there, Doctor?” Vigil asked. Try as he might, his concern was betrayed by his soft, foalish voice. The large earth pony glanced at the fireponies escorting them through the burned-out hall before looking worriedly back to the doctor beside him. Smiles was beside himself with one of his patients missing, and Vigil knew that a Code Purple—a missing adult patient—in the middle of a fire was one of the worst possible things to be on any of their minds. “Maybe she simply got separated from the evac group somewhere in the east block.”
The doctor gave him a weak smile before hanging his head. “No, the staff had already searched the east block for stragglers by the time the fire brigade arrived,” he said. Watching the one of the firefighters as she checked the stability of the stairs, his face was locked in a grimace. “Besides, I know you were listening in during the session. If she thought she was having another episode, she most likely would have returned to her room, even without an escort. She felt safe—we made her feel safe there... and I gave her the idea to go there in case of trouble.”
The pair remained silent as the firefighters lead them through the ash laden halls. Neither of them wanted to think that a patient was in this wing. Losing a patient was always hard on everypony, but for it to happen on Hearth’s Warming Eve would be devastating to morale. The last time Broadhoof had lost a patient, the psychiatrist responsible for the patient’s therapy had quit her job, and later returned as a patient herself. Vigil didn’t want to think what it would do to his friend.
“Listen, maybe she just managed to escape,” Vigil said, gently patting his friend on the withers. “You know how much ponies tend to miss their families this time of year. If she lived in Ponyville, she could be with—”
Up ahead there was a commotion among the firefighters. “We’ve got tracks here!” the mare that had tested the stairs shouted back. “Hoof prints, ‘bout a mare’s size, leading right into the ward straight ahead.”
Vigil’s stomach clenched and churned upon hearing the mare’s words. It was the last thing either of them wanted to hear. The group moved on into the high-security ward—Intensive Care they were told to call it in front of the patients—and a growing sense of dread was almost tangible in the air. Even the firefighters now walked with a shadow over their heads. Every inch of the walls were black and flame licked, the painted wood paneling burned away entirely in places. There was absolutely no way that anypony would survive here.
They followed the prints through the ashes all the into Lily’s cell block, their spirits dying with every step. Upon seeing the states of all of the open rooms, Vigil could see Smiles trying so desperately not to openly tear up. Every patient’s room was burned out entirely, leaving nothing but charcoal and cinders where furniture once was.
Surprisingly, Vigil noted that Lily’s cell door was closed over completely. He almost didn’t want to see inside anyway. He’d never seen the burnt remains of a pony before, and the very thought caused bile to rise in his throat. The fireponies had a job to do though, and unfortunately, it required them to open the cell. If Smiles was going in, he’d be there to support his friend.
Despite the warping of the metal door, the firefighters had little issue wrenching the slagged sheet of metal from its frame. There was an audible gasp from the one of the fire crew, and Smiles pushed himself through the crowd around the door, with Vigil hot on his tail.
What he saw he could barely comprehend. Aside from the heat-warped wood panels on the walls and the partially melted mirror, the room was almost pristine. The only indication that there had even been a fire in the rest of the room was thin layer of ash coating everything. Not a single thing in the room was burnt.
There, on the bed, laid Lily Valley. Beneath the thin sheet of ash, she looked so peaceful to Vigil, almost... happy. On the pillow beside her, he saw a small photograph. It was too covered in ash and was distorted from heat for any of them to know what was on the polaroid, but deep down, he knew her last thoughts were of family.
Doctor Smiles backed shakily away from the doorframe and looked at Vigil. There was an emptiness inside those glossy violet orbs that hurt him at his core. “Report back to Doctor Rose,” he said, his voice quavering. “Tell them that the Code Purple can be called off. Tell... tell him it’s now Code Black.”
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So beautiful
It was very heart touching.
I wish more people wrote like this. could you also please put it on my group holidays. It would be a honor to have it on my group. 
Depressing, but good!
Why!
Darn.
Poor Lily.
Seriously, this got to me. Still, good job!
.........somew reason i am conflicted here. it is well written but................ the have unicorns in the building. this fire should have bee nothing. and no they would not need some kind of fire manipulation spell. they would onyl create a field of energy and push back the fire an disrupt it that way. if a field can block incoming attacks it can affect objects both physical adn energy based beyond magic.
3684365
Except maybe they don't have Unicorns with that capability? Not everyone is as good as Twilight when it comes to being a multi-generalist with high amounts of magic, maybe more down to Rarity's level when it comes to manipulation?
3684525 that is kinda why i said creating a magical field. all unicrons have that capacity, and could at least push back or isolate a fire. though admitably some may only be able to hold it longer tahn others. still, fairly certain a group of unicorns, something liekly common in the asylum, could hold back a fire if working together.
3684537
Are you talking of the magical field when they 'grab' something?
How do you 'grab' fire exactly? I mean if they had the potential to they'd just grab as much as they could and snuff it with a lack of oxygen and/or fuel, except that magical fields still let air through I believe considering what we've seen.
Hm it's a harder topic to pin down.
3684560 mainly i mean just create some kind of barrier to do so. simply release magic and hold it in plac rather than attempting to use that arcane energy as a spell. not exactly shields meant to hold back chagneling swarms but it could at least keep the fire at bay. and as i said, it would probably take a group of unicorns. that or they have a pegasus shove a raincloud into the building.
mianly trying to think of methods that would be more generally applicable than needing a pony either gifted with bringing wet and cold to manipulating fire.
3684560 hell, shoving any cloud in there would work. it is all water vapor after all.
3684634
Vapor yeah, but it's not exactly going to have the type of potential to put out an entire block fire, then there's the fact you have to get in close for it to work, along with the updrafts from the heat would mean they'd have to walk or they would be either pushed away by hot updrafts, or simply cooked by them.
3684619
Aside from Twilight and Shining, we havn't exactly seen others use barriers like that, not to mention as said before air seems to go through magical energy so it wouldn't do much to starve out to fire.
3684645 hard to say since a pegasus can literally walk on something that has no real mass to it. just giving ideas with that............ think a pegasus might actually be able to handle the updraft though. they are able to basically manipulate weather, and that means air as well........... actually i once heard a theory that part of pegasus flight was using thier wings ot manipulate air to bpush them forward. then again, it was head canon and that can vary.
i try to have a far more general sense when it comes to the powers ponies might have........... besides there is a lot of evidence to point that unicorns tend to have more than a few spells at least. i mean they actually have magic schools and spell books. why would they even exist if there was only a handful of unicorns able to use more than a select group of spells?
we have seen rarity use magic like teleportation and transmogrification. teleported a couch and shaped cloth into a simple dress. saying just because we do not see a bunch of unicorns use barriers as evidence they cannot is kinda narrow minded. its like those people who claim celestia is weak or does nothing when the fact she has kept a land full of monsters and demons afloat for a millenium is evidence that she has to have done something and is quite powerufl. just because we do not see celestia fighting rogue dragons or dealing with politics does not mean she does not fight rogue dragons and deal with politics.
3684672 I understand your concerns, believe me. Here's where the problem lies, at least in my opinion. A unicorn's magic domain lies within their special talent. Whereas a unicorn in the medical field is more likely to have more diagnostic and healing related spells in their repertoire, a unicorn in a mechanical, surgical or musical field is more likely to have spells more fine-tuned to manipulation of objects and multitasking. Aside from Twilight, Shining Armor is the only pony known to be able to cast the barrier spell. It could be a blood-line related spell, and only those who share the blood can cast it, or it could very well be that there are few outside their line with the power and mental fortitude to cast and maintain barriers.
The issue with creating a magical field to manipulate airflows is that it would logically be much more difficult to manipulate a gas, whose particles are spread out greatly, than it is to manipulate a brush or a scalpel. Even Twilight, god-tier overpowered before her alicorn ascension, exhibited issues maintaining the spell creating wind-music while simultaneously milking the cows and subduing the ursa. How much more difficult would it be for her to manipulate three air currents? How many unicorns manipulating the air currents would it take to snuff a fire? How likely would it be that a mental institution would just happen to have that many specifically disciplined unicorns on staff for such a specific emergency.
Even if Twilight's spell simply pulled air toward her by resonating with and charging the particles of the air, that sort of spell wouldn't be any better. Think about it. When you open an oven, where does that heat go? Out and up, generally into your face. Say that heated air can't go up or out. That's super heated air being channeled in your general direction, bringing the food for the fire along with it. Suddenly you might not just be pulling air your way. You're spurring the fire to keep up with its food, possibly spreading it.
As an aside, I'd like to think that a spell to manipulate gasses would be highly regulated, and any unicorn strong enough to perform it being on record. Heck, there's probably an entire register for ponies with vaguely specific skills that could be use to harm others. Just think for a second. Sure, these ponies could save lives, but who is to say they could not also take them? Compress some gas into a tiny pellet, teleport it into somepony's brain, and then release the field compressing it. That pony will be dead rather quickly.
That's just my two cents, though.
3684824 ......... if that is true then Rarity would be incapable of teleporting. nor would Lyra, who was shown teleporting in the background in a recent episode. difference between rarity in lyrai s that, apparrently at least, lyra is magically strong enough that she went to Celestia's magic school; not head canon, fact. rarity is magically strong but nor formally trained.
so likely unicorns can learn variuos spells and probably do, just some are more limited than others and more easily use spells more related to theri talents.
as i said, just cause you don't see celestia fighting dragons does not mean she doesn't, and since she kept equistrai standing and trhiving for a thousand years, she probably has.
and i was not talking about manipulating gas or suffocating the fire, i was talking about preventing its progression from spreading. just blocking or delaying the progression. Shining armor is not likely the only unicorn that can use a barier spell, but he is the only known one to be able to create one so powerful it can cover and protect a city. and more than once he is stated to be the only one able to create a shield that powerful, not the only one period.
..i was talking about pegasus manipulating air pressure and gas. cause that is technically what they do. they manipulate clouds and wind to create weather affects.
3684970 The problem with what you were suggesting with the barrier spell is that it still lets gases and fluids through. Think about it. Twilight sealed herself and the library inside a barrier when the Cutie Mark Crusaders were using the pen name Gabby Gums, and again when Shining Armor protected all of Canterlot. You can argue 'trees' all you want, but how much air can a magically preserved library tree really provide? Likewise, Canterlot as mostly gardens. No forests. Shrubs wouldn't be able to sustain an entire city. If you can't stop the air from getting through, there's no reason to expect to block superheated air from blasting through the barrier, or heat spreading through materials overlapped by the barrier. Even if the flames themselves don't spread directly, new combustion can occur if things become hot enough.
I never directly stated that ponies would't have access to spells not pertaining to their special talents. What I said was that they had magic domains. It goes to logic that any spell outside their domain would be particularly difficult or straining for them. The 'teleportation' for example, is likely a spell all unicorns possess, but not as many train themselves to be able to use it regularly like Twilight does. Conjuring up objects would be a subset of that spell, and no less useful to somepony who cannot afford to divide their attention from what they are doing to float it all the way with levitation. Time can be a big factor in those choices.
I honestly don't know WHY you keep bringing up Celestia, either. You've made that point once already, but to keep circling back to that just seems like a circular 'but if this happened, then your argument must be invalid' bit of logic.
As for pegasi, jamming a rain cloud into a burning building might not be the best of plans either. What happens when water particles become super heated? You get steam. Steam is every bit as dangerous to a pony as fire is. As for their manipulation of the weather, the only thing we truly see them doing is producing, manipulating, and dispersing clouds. When they are dealing with storm clouds, they are only exciting the water particles inside the cloud to produce a static charge, not actually creating the lightning themselves. It seems unlikely that they would directly affect air currents. Instead, they likely use their manipulation of water [clouds] to manipulate the air, by placing clouds to create eddies in the naturally occurring air currents. With that logic in mind, the only way pegasi can reasonable put out fires is to drain rainclouds on them. A regular fire brigade seems more reasonable in this aspect.
3685083 was using the celsetia thing as an emphasis. just because it is not directly shown does not mean it does not exist as a a likelyhood.
jsut giving ideas here. and i am not talking about smothering it, as i said. while nothing we have in existence could confirm it, a barrior could prevent the fire from spreading to other combustible substances and isolate the fire, trapping the heat and energy. would not possoibly stop the gas and ash, but it could block the heat and combustion cycle.
and with clouds, i did not mean to ltierally just shove cloud into it. get enough cloud that it starts to cool or smother the fire. if they can use it to stand on they could possibly use it to also shield themselves as they do that. hwatever they do that allows them to shape cloud to begin with would probably allow the evaporation to be progressive rather than isntantenous. so perhaps like melting ice.
I kinda of surprised that they haven't developed some sort of fire door system to help contain the fire.
Aw damn...that's just sad...
Crying...
Rose better not get pregnant.
Wait... Did Lily die?
...oh god please no...
What you did.
It's there.
And I see it.
4999007 What is it that you think I did?
5000575 A nice little reference to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. My apologies for not being clear enough.
5003287 Never read it, unfortunately. Being based in the universe of Daemon of Decay's Asylum, I made certain references to his story, in this case the character Nurse Ratchet. If DoD made that reference in Asylum, then the 'reference' is an unintentional one on my part.
5003490 Yours is the first Asylum-verse story I've really delved into (and a very good one it is), so I'll have to check in on that. The book One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest does have a Nurse Ratchet who rules the mental institution through manipulation and intimidation and the patients are reluctant to get on her bad side.
wow... The... This gave me the f
king feels... Gj!!
hyperprolactinemia missing an 'r'
Not surprised it took so long for this to be pointed out, what kind of person Googles ever new word they find? Oh wait...
7551162 Yeah, and the thing is for the longest time, I thought the r was there. Of course, when the in-browser dictionary doesn't recognize the word because it's not a common-use English term, but rather a medical term, I suppose it's not surprising.
Sonofabitch, I just finished after a quick break to eat. Well that was sad.
This was really well done. Lily's stream of consciousness ebbs cleanly between frenzied and passive, and it's never difficult to follow when or why her thoughts have shifted. It's great to see the complexities of mental illness written in a way that's both accurate and engaging.
9376998 Thanks. It means a lot to me.
Regarding the accuracy and the transition of thoughts, I suppose it is, and has always been, easier to write from the mindset of someone bearing mental infirmity when they themselves aren’t in an amazing place. I’m not well, and I have not been for a long time. Stories like this, and events in other stories I’ve written, have been my own way of subconsciously dealing with my own problems without seeking help. Between beginning my transition from male to female in 2016 and getting the clinic docs to try me on antidepressants, I’m doing better than I was, but I know I’ve got a long way to go.
Hey I was wondering if you’d be okay if I did a reading of this? I probably won’t be able to do it for this year but I am interested in doing it for next year.
11749499
Oh absolutely.