After a simple job together, Noria, a pony with a knack for adventure decides to follow Ghost, an experienced mercenary throughout the wasteland as he heads to the city known as Stalliongrad. One is simply looking for an adventure, while the other is looking for something a bit more personal. Throughout their adventures they'll make new friends, relentless enemies, and discover that sometimes a job isn't as simple as it was made out to be.
(Cover art by the always amazing Turtledude.)
Chapters (1)
hmmm not bad a little to short on the meet and the way to the raider camp but still good
3674990
Yeah, I know. This chapter was more for introducing the characters than anything. Every other chapter from here on out will be much longer, I guarantee it.
3675986
k
Hi again! I saw you asking for feedback. Here is mine.
Strong Points:
Few grammatical errors; most are technical and not glaring or jarring.
Characterization: Noria
Characterization: Gun-bandit (pleasant surprise, from how limited his screen time was)
Character interaction: Ghost & Noria (although there are cheesy moments, as well)
Weak Points:
Example of a somewhat cheesy/cliche interaction between Ghost and Noria:
All of this is overused, and stereotypical of every Western I've read or watched.
This part of the scene is too easy, way too abrupt, and generally rushed. I'm also not sure this would actually work. These raiders would have to be awfully inexperienced to all get killed that quickly and easily. You may wish to consider extending this scene. This would also provide more time for bouncing the protagonists off each other.
I'm also certain that in the time it takes to say what gun-bandit had to say, Noria could've decapitated him with gunshots. Maybe have this piece of dialogue happen in the aforementioned extended scene, during a lull where one side or the other has been forced to take cover. It may be necessary to re-arm the four raiders with low-quality firearms rather than melee weapons to make this happen.
This is a good example of awkward or run-on sentence structures. It would be a good idea to break some of these into shorter sentences, or change the structure or wording. This issue is fairly pervasive.
Point-of-view issues: For much of the story thus far, we're seeing things from Ghost's POV, and occasionally getting glimpses into what he's thinking. However, this occasionally slips into what Noria is thinking instead (e.g. ""Sorry I asked," she thought to herself"). You might consider revising to show everything through Ghost's lens alone. Or Noria's. Or both all the time, which is really difficult to pull off in this kind of setting.
Ghost's characterization is a bit vague, and somewhat cliche. He feels like a stereotypical "wannabe-badass mercenary" type and could use better development.
Nitpicking:
Overuse of the word "job" in the opening scene; consider alternative word choices.
Some paragraphs that should be indented are not indented. "She approached their table" and "Once she as certain that they were all dead" - also, the second example contains a typo.
For the Future:
I'm very curious to see what happens between Ghost and Noria as "business" partners, since while the job is pretty much done, they seem intended as part of the same team for at least a while into the story. I'm curious about their future interaction, their different approaches to combat, and their differing skill sets.
Personal feeling: I like it.
I think that's all for now.
3678186
Thanks for the feedback, and thanks for pointing out some of the errors I made, it'll help me a lot in the future.
3678199
You're welcome! I wish I were better at elaborating on the strong points. I need to pick that skill back up.
3678202
Perhaps, but the fact that you pointed out everything wrong with my fic will help me to improve it in the future, which is the whole reason I asked for feedback in the first place, so thank you once again.
I like it. This is the first fallout equestrian fix ive bothered to read.
3678416
Any negatives or positives that you'd like to point out?
Could have used more description.
3678462
Ah yes, I already plan to incorporate better use of description in the future.
3678202
Crap, I also forgot to mention that I left Ghost a bit vague on purpose. His is a story that will slowly but eventually be revealed in the fic. Like I said, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I somehow forgot.
Really good so far
3683105
Thank you for the compliment, I intend for it to only improve as it goes along.