***On hiatus while Johnfreemanwepon and I work on the battle aspects of the story. We're both really busy, so it isn't going quickly, but progress is being made nonetheless***
"The Griffonite Empire had almost always been the strongest ally of their neighbor, Equestria. However, all that changed when the former decided to declare war, and invade. It is said that laughter is the best medicine, but can it help get the ponies through a war? Victoriously? Alive?"
I don't know why, but these Equestria-at-war kind of stories have always appealed to me in some strange way. Thus, when I randomly got an idea for how I could start one of my own, I leapt at the chance. I don't plan on updating it at a fast rate at all, especially considering how deeply involved I am with my other stories, namely A New Life, but to stay true to a promise I have made to myself, I won't simply abandon this, and will update every now and again. Also, don't expect there to be nearly as much randomness and humor as about the dozen or so of you who are familiar with my writing have come to expect, as war isn't a joke: it's serious shit.
**As is always the case with my stories, change your background color from LIGHT to DARK, so you can read my color-coded dialogue**
Completely first!
I haven't read the story yet, but I think color-coding works better with less serious stories/stories with comedy (e.i. HiE fics, your A New Life story)
Color-coding with this story might take away from the seriousness.
But then again, that is all a first impression; wait until I actually read it.
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"Laughter is the best medicine"
Keep that in mind while you read.
First!!!
PLEASE stop coloring the words. It makes it hard to read, and all you have to do is just put a "said so-and-so" or something after speech, or whatever appeals to you most.
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It's only hard to read if you have a light background.
327472 Such as... I don't know, the white that makes up the entire page behind the text?
On an unrelated note, though, that reply was really fast.
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"**As is always the case with my stories, change your background color from LIGHT to DARK, so you can read my color-coded dialogue**"
---From the story description
327669 ...my mistake. Sorry to trouble you.
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Nah, don't worry about it!
(Just make sure you vote 'up' on the story.
)
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327462 If you hadn't noticed...
That's his running idea.. Change your background from light to dark.
Note, he has done this on all of his stories, and on all of them he has had to tell people this.
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I'm surprised people can't figure it out on themselves.
It's pretty simple and obvious, if you think about it.
Ok, a few things. The tags are cryptic, but that doesn't really matter.
For the first chapter I can see why you might feel the need to acquaint us with the characters, but this fanbase lives for them.
Who are the mane six talking to? Is it a slideshow monologue?
Since this is the first chapter I am just going to assume that all of this was on purpose
Allons-y!
Inconsistency to be noted: Twilight has never teleported more than Spike and herself. Now she is expected to teleport the mane 7 to Canterlot? I'm sorry, but it is a plot hole.
I feel like the first two chapters could be covered in the summary... They just don't have anything in them.
Also, I have decided to ignore Briar as something worth explaining. I refuse to care about where he's from, what he did, how he met the mane six, how Celestia knows him, when he learned his stuff, all of it!
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PC teleported them to Canterlot, which I'm pretty sure it says in there
And I realize I'm not too good at beginnings. >.>;
It's better later on; trust me. Same goes for my other stories as well.
I have nothing important to say in chapter 3. I kind of hope that I forget about boulder bucking before it pops up again, it sounds funny.
I've also noticed that Briar acts as a Gandalf. He knows his shit just because it keeps things from falling apart. Interesting
I don't think you can just give your OC a self proclaimed golden heart
... well you can
, you did
, don't know if you should have
.
I noticed that you like predicting things before they happen, and then have them happen. I do too!
I lol'd good show sir
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Honestly, I don't really care about anything other than people just enjoying the story, really. Well, more than anything else, at least. So as long as you're enjoying the story...
Thnx for clearing up brevet. I like the war message, ponies vs. empire, not griffons. Rock on! that is how you fight a war. I like this chapter
Reference chapter to reference the referable objects of reference for referencing? buck yes
What can I say... I'm sorry bro, but I'm not going to track this. The way I see it, there is a lot of filler, and its not even an explanation or thrilling, or enthralling. I like the ideas, I like the themes. But it is too much like McDonalds, it feels good to devour, but it needs to trim the fat, a lot of fat.
It's times like these that I wish there was a 'meh' button
Thumbs up because it doesn't deserve a thumbs down.
And if I could make a few suggestions:
1) Get on with the plot
2)I liked the interactions with Gilda, character interaction is good. I want to see how everyone works on the battlefield together and against
3) Decide, is Briar shy, or does he consistently give award winning speeches? If he is both, then THAT is where you add the filler, show the transition of personality or else he might as well be Fluttershy and Twilight.
4) Take your time, all the time you need. Ponychan brought me here, so I know that you are looking for exposure. The best thing you can do is make the best story you can. Also, remember that you hook people with the first chapter, not the 5th, 13th or epilogue.
That is all, if you ever want more feedback just ask. I can be unforgiving and ruthless and stuff
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I'm actually currently working diligently with Johnfreemanwepon on the actual battle strategies, combat, etc., so there won't be 'fillers' for long, though those 'fillers' were intended to be the preparation for the combat that was to come, though I realize that it would be beneficial if I did go back and make that more evident, though I do currently have a lot on my plate, atm, so that'll be something that'll have to wait.