VI: A Dealer of Simple Choices
“Five thousand dollars? Surely you’re joking!”
Discord looked to his client with mild annoyance. “Supply and demand, Jimmy. I have one pony left and you have come to me very, very late in the shopping season.”
“I told you before to call me Jim, and look, I have to get that pony for my daughter,” Jim said, reaching into his blazer pocket and removing his wallet. “I will give you twenty-five hundred for this pony.” He pointed to the cage containing the yellow filly, and it cowered in the corner.
“I find your offer insulting, and quite frankly, I don’t like you,” Discord said, crossing his arms and frowning at his client. “I’m sure your daughter can do without a pony, and I’m sure this pony could do without you.”
“I don’t have five grand on me! Will you take a check?”
“I will not,” Discord replied, keeping his arms crossed and looking away.
The man gritted his teeth angrily and held up his wrist, displaying the gold watch he was wearing. “Do you see this? This is a Rolex! It’s worth more than your life, and a hell of a lot more than that pony!” He threw the watch onto the table and it slid toward Discord.
Discord picked up the watch and looked it over carefully. During his time in New York, he’d seen several shady individuals pedaling the timepieces off for about ten dollars. As it turned out, they were counterfeits, and Discord got a great deal of satisfaction when he turned one vendor’s stock into live scorpions.
“So are you offering this up as payment?” Discord asked at last.
“Yes!” Jim shouted in annoyance. “Just take it and give me the damn pony!”
The salesman thought carefully for a moment. “I’ll reluctantly accept your offer,” Discord said, depositing the watch into his blazer and withdrawing a scroll. He removed a quill from thin air (though his client failed to notice), and quickly wrote up a variation of his usual contract. As he wrote, he looked to the caged pony and felt a bit of reluctance to sell it. The little, yellow pony did not deserve what he was going to be exposing it to. His hand scribbled furiously on the parchment, wording the terms and conditions expertly. Judging by his client’s demeanor and attitude, he’d likely not read it anyway.
“Okay, Jimmy, just sign on the line, and Daisy is all yours.”
Jim took the parchment and quill, and (as Discord had expected) signed it without as much as a second glance. “If there is anything wrong with it, you’ll be seeing me again,” Jim said with dark undertones in his voice.
“There is nothing wrong with her, and if anything does happen to her, I’ll be seeing you,” Discord said, matching Jim’s tone. His yellow eyes bore into Jim’s, eventually forcing the man to look away. Discord then looked the scroll over before tucking it into his pocket.
There were a few moments where neither spoke. The only sound came from Daisy the filly, whimpering in her cage. Discord bent down to look at her and found himself actually feeling regret. He’d come to this world to cause a little chaos, but he was hoping for better clientele to disperse the ponies too. I wish more of them could have been like Davey Boy…
Discord stood up and grabbed the cage’s handle. “Before you go, do you have any questions?” he asked, turning to Jim.
“Yeah, do you have a box or something for it? I don’t want to walk around New York with a caged animal, or I’ll have PETA on my ass in seconds.”
“Would you prefer a box with no holes?” Discord asked sarcastically.
“Yeah, that’d be perfect,” Jim replied, failing to pick up on the joke. Discord frowned and set the cage down on the table. He expected Jim to at least interact with the pony, but instead, he took out his cell phone and began texting. Discord sighed and fetched one of the large gift boxes he typically delivered the ponies in. With the box in hand, he removed his large keychain and unlocked Daisy’s cage.
“No, leave me alone!” she screamed as Discord put his hand into the cage. She pressed against the bars as far as she could go, swinging her hooves at Discord’s hand.
“Did that thing just talk?” Jim asked, looking up from his phone. “I thought you were joking!”
“There’s a reason they cost so much, Jim.”
After a brief struggle, Daisy was finally put into the box and Discord sealed it. Jim took the box and stared at it as it shook in his hands. “So, how much can it say?” Jim asked.
“She can speak quite fluently, but you likely won’t listen to her,” Discord said, setting the empty cage down. “You’re free to go now, ta-ta.” He snapped his fingers and the large metal door across the room flew open. Jim turned to look at it, and when he turned around, Discord and the table they’d sat at were gone.
Discord lurked in the shadows until Jim finally wandered out of the room. When the door slammed shut, Discord began pacing. “Well, step two is complete,” he said aloud. “I wonder which of them will be the first to break their contract. Will it be the sushi chef and Apple Bloom? Or will it be the car salesman and Snips?”
With another snap of his fingers, all the cages in the room disappeared, leaving it as it was when he found the place. He reached into his pocket and removed the Rolex Jim had paid with. “Nine PM on Christmas Day,” he said, strapping the watch to his wrist. “I think it’s time for a drink.”
Just as Discord turned to leave for the bar, he heard a racket in the back room. Panic swept over him after something glass clearly smashed against the floor. He didn’t even think to teleport; his legs were already carrying him to his destination.
The back room was where Discord stored various things the customers didn’t need to see. Things like bales of hay, wooden buckets for cleaning the ponies and their cages, and most importantly: the mirror. He flipped the light switch and saw a sheet-covered mass wriggling around on the floor. Luckily, the mirror that the sheet had been covering was not what had broken. On the floor, beside the struggling lump, were pieces of an empty bourbon bottle.
Discord approached the sheet and gave it a tug. Beneath it was the palest woman he’d ever seen. Her hair (an odd combination of blue, green, purple, and pink) stood up on end from the static electricity.
“Why, is that you Celestia?” Discord asked with a toothy grin.
The woman stared in confusion. Why did this human know her by name? Then she saw its yellow eyes and realization slowly crept across her face. “Discord,” she said, shakily standing up.
Discord looked at her in amazement and said, “Ooh, you’re taking bipedalism surprisingly well.”
“This isn’t my first visit here,” Celestia replied, keeping her eyes on the salesman. She teetered slightly and had to grab onto the wall for support. “Though it has been a while.”
“Ah, well, what brings you here this time?”
“I think you know why.” She took several clumsy steps toward Discord. “A few things have gone missing from Equestria recently."
"Such as?"
"Several fillies, colts, the mirror, and you. I had to investigate.”
“Just because I moved the mirror and happened to go through it does not mean I’ve been foalnapping as well. Does that really sound like my brand of chaos?”
“Do not try deceiving me, Discord. Where are the children and why have you brought them here?”
“How much time have you spent here, Princess?” Discord asked, walking away from his interrogator. “It’s wonderfully chaotic this time of year. These creatures practically worship their currency and they have holidays devoted to spending it on each other. Oh, the chaos it causes!”
“Answer me, Discord,” Celestia said impatiently. “Where are they?”
Discord ignored the question and continued on. “They go to such extremes to please one another, it’s absolutely absurd! There’s nothing some of them wouldn’t do for the perfect gift.”
“Tell me what you’re doing here, now,” Celestia said, her usual calm had been replaced with a smoldering anger.
“Do you know what little girls in this world want more than anything?” Discord asked, turning to Celestia. “It’s something their parents would do most anything for.”
“What would that be?” she asked.
“Little ponies.”
Celestia looked to Discord in horror. “You haven’t!” she exclaimed. “You’ve been selling the children to these creatures?!”
“Indeed I have,” Discord replied. “And I was hoping you were going to notice sooner, for the most important part of my plan involves you.”
Before Celestia could move, Discord summoned his cane and pointed it at her. A yellow aura enveloped her and she levitated toward the ceiling. “H-how are you able to use your powers?” Celestia asked through clenched teeth. Her body had gone rigid and she could barely move as she was held in the air.
“Did you fail to notice everything that went missing?” he asked, moving her back and forth with his cane. “A certain artifact once wielded by Starswirl the Bearded, perhaps?”
Celestia looked to Discord’s cane and recognized the jeweled dragon head. “What are you planning?” she asked.
“Well, I’m glad you asked, but I’m not much one for spoilers.” Discord grinned and gave the cane a quick, little twitch.
Celestia screamed as her body underwent a painful transformation. Wings erupted from her back and a horn protruded from within her hair. Her face began to elongate and fine, white fur grew from every pore. Her clothing disappeared and a long flowing tail grew from the base of her spine. When it all was over, she appeared in her true alicorn form.
“Let’s get rid of those, and these,” Discord said, snapping his fingers twice.
Celestia’s wings and horn disappeared with each snap of Discord’s finger, leaving her nothing more than a powerless, flightless mare. She breathed heavily and tears rolled down her face.
“Look at you,” Discord said, admiring the mare’s features. “I bet there’s a jockey out there that would pay big money for a steed as beautiful as you. But then, you’re not much of a runner, are you? Straight to the glue factory, then!”
“Please, Discord,” Celestia begged. “Don’t do this.”
He ignored her plea, spinning her around so he could continue inspecting her. “Princess, does your sister know where you are right now?” he asked. He brought her right up to his face so he could stare into her eyes.
“She does,” Celestia said, nodding weakly.
“Good, that’s very good.”
Discord laughed and spun Celestia around in the air, slowly increasing speed. “With you being the more level-headed sister, I needed to get you out of the way first. When your sister finds out you’ve been captured, well, let’s just say she may make a few hasty decisions.”
“Release me!” Celestia shouted with her eyes clamped shut. The spinning had reached an unbearable speed and she felt she may throw up.
Slowly, the spinning stopped and Discord brought her face to face with him again. “I’m afraid you’re not going anywhere,” he said coolly. With a snap of his fingers, Celestia again began screaming.
Her body began getting smaller as her age regressed at an alarming rate. Soon, she was nothing but a filly with a pink mane. Her golden tiara and horseshoes fell to the floor with a clang after she’d become too small for them.
“Aw, I forgot how cute you were back then, little Tia,” Discord cooed. “I’m half tempted to keep you all to myself!”
Celestia squirmed uncomfortably in the magic and Discord began laughing. Over the sound of his laughter, he could hear the sound of something banging. He stopped to listen and the noise repeated. Cautiously, he stuck his head into the other room and looked around.
The metal door vibrated as someone on the other side knocked for the third time. "Wait right here," Discord whispered to Celestia. He quickly levitated her into an empty cage and hid her beneath the sheet. “Coming!” he shouted, running to the door. The hinges creaked as he flung it open, nearly hitting the large man on the other side.
“Whoa, easy there,” the man said, stopping the door with his massive hand. Discord instantly recognized the man as one of his least favorite clients.
“Hello there, Zack,” Discord grumbled, and looked to his guest with disinterest. “What brings you back here so soon?”
Zack looked past Discord and into the empty room. “Don’t tell me you’re sold out.”
“I’m afraid I am, and besides, you’ve already bought one of my ponies. Why would you need another?”
The big Bostonian sighed and rubbed his neck. “Well, Becky loves the one I already bought her. The problem is, my brother-in-law bought one for his daughter. So when Becky saw that her cousin had a pony too, she didn’t feel special.”
“Tragic,” Discord mumbled.
“Look, if you have one in storage, or can get me one by tomorrow, I’d be wicked appreciative. You know that money isn’t a problem.” Zack removed his wallet and began flipping through hundred dollar bills.
Two ponies would double his chance of breaking a contract…But Celestia is key to the plan. I suppose I could trick Luna into thinking the US Government has her sister. In fact, that may cause even more chaos than if they actually did!
“I may be able to cut you a deal, Zackie,” Discord said, straightening Zack’s tie. “I have one pony left. A very special pony. She’s to be taken extra good care of, understand?”
“Yeah, got it. How much for it?” Zack asked, thumbing through his wallet.
“Nothing.”
Zack looked up in confusion. “Come again?”
“This one’s on me. Consider it a ‘buy-one-get-one’ deal,” Discord said, grinning deviously.
Zack shrugged and put his wallet away. “Okay, where is it?”
“One moment,” Discord replied, stepping backwards. He strolled across the room and brought one hand above his head. He snapped his fingers and the familiar mahogany table appeared in the center of the empty room. “Have a seat, please!” Discord shouted as he continued on.
“Where?” Zack asked. When he looked up from typing his text message, he saw the table waiting for him. He looked around curiously, not sure as to where the table had come from. Did this come out of the floor or something? he thought to himself, looking around for a seam in the concrete.
“You will not get away with this!” Celestia shouted as Discord carried her cage to the table. He set it down and Zack looked in at the filly.
“This one’s a lot cuter than the other,” Zack said. “No wings, though. I’m not sure if Becky will like that.”
Discord rolled his eyes and set a blank scroll of parchment on the table. “That’s unfortunate,” he mumbled, keeping his head down as he wrote. “So, who is your brother-in-law, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Uh, his name’s David,” Zack said after a pause. “If I can ask, how much did you charge him for his pony?”
“That’s confidential,” Discord said, continuing to write. He looked up after a moment and asked, “How is he?”
Zack scoffed. “No worse than usual, I guess.”
“And the pony?”
“Well, it shit all over the bathroom during his Christmas dinner, and that’s when we left.”
There was a pause, and Discord went back to writing. Celestia turned to look at Zack and tapped her hoof against the bars of her cage.
“You, human,” Celestia beckoned.
“Hmm?” Zack looked away from his cell phone and into the filly’s eyes.
“I demand you free me at once,” Celestia commanded.
“Hey look, it’s talking to me,” Zack chuckled, pointing at the pony. Celestia scrunched up her face angrily as Zack grinned and went back to typing on his cell phone.
After a few minutes, Discord finished the most devious contract he’d ever written. There was no way Zack could ever hold to it, but if he couldn’t take the time to read over it, he deserved the penalties. Hell, there's several reasons he deserves it.
“Right there on the line, Zackie,” Discord said, passing Zack the quill.
The tip of the quill hovered over the line as Zack’s hand remained still. Something in the contract’s fine print actually managed to catch his eye. “What’s with this part?” Zack asked, pointing to a phrase near the bottom.
Discord looked at it and laughed. “Oh, that’s just a joke!” he said, spinning the contract back around. “Just sign it so you can get back home, and I can go to the bar.”
“Yeah, I figured it was a joke,” Zack laughed. “I mean, how could you possibly turn ME into a pony?”
Celestia perked up and turned to look at the contract. “Do not sign that, human! Discord is not to be trusted!” she yelled.
“Is this one always this loud?” Zack asked, looking to the pony in annoyance.
“Please! You must listen to me!” Celestia begged.
Zack reached into his wallet and removed a hundred dollar bill. “Same deal as last time,” he said, passing the money to Discord. As he signed the document, Discord reached into his blazer and removed a large syringe.
“Time for a nap, Tia,” Discord said gently, moving the needle closer to the cage. With nowhere to go, Celestia tried desperately to avoid the injection by swinging her small hooves. Discord simply spun the cage around and sunk the needle into the filly’s flank.
She yelped out in pain, bucking her rear hooves against the cage. “My sister will stop you!”
Discord lowered his head to the cage and whispered, “It won’t be me she’s after.”
Before Celestia could offer any more to the argument, her vision began to blur and her knees buckled. She fought the sedative as best she could, but soon fell into a heavy sleep.
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This chapter was amazing!
Dun Dun DUUUUUN
Bad Discord! No investigating any world wars!
this story became interesting!
Hahahahah, so awesome, so ominous! Can't wait for the next one!
Ooo-kay, so Discord isn't just playing a harmless prank, here; he's out to seriously screw with both worlds...
Great, now Discord is on track to starting an inter-dimensional World War III.
Sweet Googly Moogly!
3970235
Yeah against him when all the pieces come back together. I so can't wait for Karma to bite back against him.
I'm not going to be satisfied with his destruction, I want to see Discord totally and utterly ruined, left powerless babbling mess from all the trauma he will be made to endure.
Ill pay twenty thousand dollars for filly luna, Discord. Or, twelve chocolate filled twinkes. Your call.
3970318
You'll likely be getting your wish
3970328
static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120820013757/mlpfanart/images/thumb/4/43/LunaFilly.png/761px-LunaFilly.png
3970268
3970272
No, I think anyone who's ever worked in retail during the Christmas feeding frenzy will say these types of oblivious, self-absorbed jerkasses with inflated senses of entitlement and absolutely zero common sense are entirely too familiar.
As are their Veruca Salt "I want it NOW!" hellspawn. 
So, the humans who break their contract will become pony merchandise too? Discord´ shop seems taken from a Stephen King novel, like a goblin market.
3970349 Take all my money!
Ahh, I get it now. This is basically Needful Things with ponies.
3970435
Exactly.
Wait, then Discord is after their souls
Another wonderful, wonderful chapter. The plot thickens, Celestia de-ages, and Discord becomes one step closure to bringing about the shear amount of Chaos he wants!
And all with a minimum amount of magic...I can only wait to see what happens when Luna and/or Twilight do when either shows up.
But what I like most of all is the hint of regret/concern that Discord is showing. Shows more depth to his character than most authors think to give him.
S**t just got really real!
3970408
Amen to that Brony... Unfortunately, Zack and Jim are perfectly representative of some of the people you find out during holiday shopping season. We should be thankful that Discord didn't pull this during Black Friday. ...Which is kind of strange come to think of it, cause that would probably be one of his favorite days of the year.
3970349 I'LL GIVE YOU A MILLION CHOCOLATE FILLED TWINKIES FOR THAT FILLY!!!!
Also, wow... Discord is a real asshole in this story.
What did you say his plan was again?
THIS
IS
SO
20%
SUPER DUPER
AWESOMELY
AMAZING
So now Discord's plan is (somewhat) revealed...
3970865
In a couple more chapters, it will be revealed, though, I think I've given a pretty big hint in this chapter.
3970435
Why is my Stephen King collection devoid of this? Please don't tell me it's exactly like my story
3970952 No, but this story is STRONGLY reminiscent of it.
Without spoiling things, Needful Things is about a curio shop opening in a small Maine town, whose owner just happens to have everything each resident wants more than anything else in the world. And the price is always exactly right. So long as they do certain...favors for him.
Damnit. Now I want me a filly Celestia. If for no other reason than to keep Zach away from her.
3971266
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/331/f/2/princess_celestia___chibi_by_soapie_solar-d5mbdub.jpg
3971302
Even if I don't actually intend to be malicious, would it be wrong of me to want to play with her at least once using a laser pointer and a video camera?
3971335
Absolutely nothing wrong with that
500 moon pies for luna!
Also what does the full contract state?
This is exactly why Discord is the best villain, when he was a villain: you never knew what he was up to, or how many tricks he kept up his nonexistent sleeves.
This story is one of my favorites. So far, it is amazing but it's getting almost too exciting. But what do I know? I just hope that you just don't go overboard. Keep up the good work!
What the fuck?! Is Discord after the nuclear annihilation of Equestria, and a world war on top of that?!
3970435 hey, that's actually what i was kinda thinking to be honest.
i have read the book-as well as other stephen king novels, and i have to say it was pretty good and quite similar to this one in ways. 
3972189
When the first contract is broken, Discord will read it aloud.
3973594 WORKS FOR ME
This is quite possibly the cruelest thing Discord has ever done to Celestia in any fanfic ever: giving her to David's brother-in-law.
3974143 but of course
I love this
Well you've officially got me hooked. I really look forward to seeing how this goes. The initial concept seems so straightforward yet this has become quite the nefarious plot line.
HOly shit, draft. This is excellent.
Does it make me a terrible person if I'm actually rooting FOR discord in this story?
I mean, sure, Kidnapping kids is terrible, but a bunch of terrible people are likely going getting their comeuppance as a result and I have little doubt that David is going to find a way to return the ponies to Equestria.
I'm probably missing an important part of the puzzle though
4046346
Glad you're liking it, and there are yet more pieces of the puzzle to fall into place.
I hate Zack more and more with each chapter.
I guess the title of this story may not be, as initially assumed, David's line. Not exclusively, anyway.
The turnabout between Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara was golden, but it doesn't seem like Scoots actually got the better end. DT, y u so privileged?
I like this story, really I do, but Zack and his family just strike me as the stereotypical rich snobbish family. They have no redeeming qualities, and nothing to make the audience understand or sympathise with them. It feels like you're trying too hard to make us hate them. This makes it somewhat contradicting when Scootaloo replies that she likes Becky. My first reaction to that was, huh? Why? From what we've seen of her, Becky's an unlikable brat who's nothing more than a clone of her mother. What dose Scootaloo know that we don't? Even though you may be saving that for later, I believe you should've shown us some likeable qualities about the family when you first introduced them, maybe even showing us that Becky only acts the way she dose in front of her mother, but in reality she's a caring, and loving person. That would go a long way to explain why Scootaloo would like her.
Other than that, I really do mean what I say when I like this story, and I can't wait to see where it goes.
4205765
I do suppose I could have written them a little better, but in the upcoming two chapters, their attitudes are going to be changing drastically, and there will be quite a bit of focus on them as characters.
4046346 Uhm, you don't seem to realize that Discord seems to be plotting to start an interdimensional war for his own amusement, hence his little thoughts on letting Luna think the US government has Celestia.
*sighs* Celestia, what WERE you thinking when you released him?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/154167/4/i-should-have-never-bought-that-pony/iv-you-get-what-you-pay-for
She saw an opening in the crowd and galloped as fast as she could for it. There was a large, black clearing with none of the creatures, and she got to the middle of it. All at once, there were blaring horns and angry shouts as huge metal monsters rolled past her.
I love this line since it hammers home that automobiles are NOT part of standard Equestria.
Celestia WOULD STILL have her earth pony magic.
“Aw, I forgot how cute you were back then, little Tia,” Discord cooed.
"And I keep forgetting you're NOT the friend I used to know."
Sigh. So it's Pet Shop of Horrors, except the ponies are basically being unwilling tools t Discord being a sadistic bully under the pretense he's doing something bad to people who deserve it.
“Is this one always this loud?” Zack asked, looking to the pony in annoyance.
Does he HEAR what she's saying, or is it all gibberish?
Wonderful story, excellent characterization. You got Diamond Tiara spot on here.
I'll be honest, I had to skim through a lot of the first 3 chapters, especially chapter 3. You held out on the meat of the story quite a bit but I think it was well worth it. Have a like and fave.
This is too intense