• Member Since 14th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Eskerata


"Friendship is an island that you retreat to. And you fall on the floor and laugh at all the ninnies who don't have enough brains to have your good taste." --Ray Bradbury

T

Twilight Sparkle's Potion of the Past can only be drunk by alicorns. Otherwise, the results might be tragic.
But what if somepony else drinks it, and not for the noblest of reasons? One pony finds out the harshest lesson of his life.
Image "Potion of the past" by derpyworks. Check out his art at this site.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 26 )

Okay, this was good, but it felt like it could use more substance. My biggest issue with this is that you didn't really have to label it as "mature." Unless your story has really mature subject matter, the rating becomes overkill. I'd change this to a "T" rating. I would also see about adding a bit more substance.

Hmm, yeah. I suppose you are right on both counts. The problem is that I didn't know how to add anything to this story that would help. Honestly, this thing had me stumped. Your feedback helps a lot. Thanks.

I suppose it was all right. Like 3662746 said, it could have used some more to make the impact larger.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. :pinkiesmile:

3692106 I'm glad you liked it. It could have had meat on its bones but one of my habits as a writer is to trim as much fat off my text as possible. I'll have to work on that. At last my story wasn't a dud. :yay:

3711833 Thank you! Ahh, I love getting new fans.

Your story has been officially graded an...

fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/003/6/6/amethysts_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70ope0.jpg

Amethyst by the Gem Hunters.
Just getting it out of the way, I feel like many of the other commenters here. There could have been more. I do understand you were trying to tell a story using thoughts and flashbacks, and that is a bold thing in of itself. Maybe going to the point of meeting even with the flashbacks, and adding in more of what was going on between the two. With that being my only real issue with it, nice job.

3762921 Well, maybe down the road, when I'm a little wiser in the ways of writing, I'll add more to this story. As long as my stuff doesn't get rated Coal by The Gem Hunters (oof, that would be embarrassing), I'll be happy.
Still, I really, really appreciate what you guys have done for me. It's always appreciated. :pinkiehappy:
Thanks for the rating and double-thanks for the constructive feedback. I hope to continue to impress you in the coming year.

3763021 Trust me, you have to be really really bad to be in there. Your doing a fine job, and I am glad you approve of our services. I always try my best to be fair, I guess. Dunno how I am doing, but no one has chewed me out yet :twilightsheepish:

Congrats! Your story has been reviewed!
This awesome link right here!

Hoh Lee Fuk
That was goddamn excellent. Have a ponemoticon. :twilightsmile:

3872846 Thanks. I'm very glad that you liked it that much. Thanks for the Princess Starbutt head.
Here's one from me. :pinkiecrazy:

Flare already did your PCRG review, but this was in my Read Later and I leave these type of comments on everything. There's no escaping my slightly-harsher-than-average opinions.

Not bad at all, but you could have done more with it. I kind of wish we'd actually seen how Zecora's death played out, and at times the narrator wasn't particularly convincing. You established a clear pattern for him, but didn't always apply it fully. He externalizes his problems, blames someone or something else for causing them, and then attacks whatever he feels is to blame in an effort to regain control. He's not the problem, his wife is, he'll make her see that. Their relationship isn't the problem, her friends are, he'll get rid of them (this is one where the link to his abuse pattern wasn't clear in the story, but I thought it could be inferred). He just doesn't complete the pattern every time. If he did, it would make for a stronger character, and the clear motivation would make for stronger actions, and both of those in turn would make a stronger story.

You still get an upvote, though.

3875954 Hey, I'm flattered that you wanted to read more of my stuff. Your insights into my work help me become a better writer. A common complaint about this story is that it's too skinny. I don't know why this thing gave me fits, but it did. The interesting thing about this story is that even though folks point out how thin this tale is, they still give it upvotes. :pinkiehappy: (Thanks very much for yours, by the way.)
One of these days, when I'm not busy with my story-in-progress, I'll be going over my stories and fixing all the smeg-ups. The Grey Heather is another fan that offered a lot of insight into my work that will help when the re-write time comes.
I knew if I would find someone like you and him eventually. It all helps. I'm very glad you like my story. May I produce many more.

I quite enjoyed this! I particularly liked the slow reveal, gradually showing what has already happened. Having the little hints, the "still" at the beginning, the "She loved it when I called her Sapphy. Loves it, I mean." that start to tell what's going on, rather than diving straight into explaining about the potion, are quite good.

3998572 Thanks! Most of the time a story only comes to me in bits and pieces, like a movie trailer. This story came to me from stem to stern in a white heat. I'm very glad that you liked how I presented it. I had never written a story in such a disjointed way before, so it was a personal challenge to me.

This was very good.

4174462 Thanks a lot. I'm glad my story is still getting attention.:pinkiecrazy:

I cant wait to read another one of your stories. So far there all good:twilightsmile:

By all I meen both.:rainbowdetermined2::twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Cromegas_Flare deleted Jun 6th, 2014

Whoa! I read through this story again... I still like it.

4504171 Thanks. I still like it, rough as it is.

BIG THUMBS UP FROM ME!

Well done, well, well written.

MORE PLEASE!

4901802 Well, I did recently release Sometimes They Come Back To Annoy You. It's a comedy, but with ghosts, ugly humor, horrible OCs and the Mane Six biting it in silly ways.
I'm very glad you liked my story. Thanks again for the follow.:pinkiecrazy:

4901919 No prob, will check it out, and feel free to check me out (not in THAT way ;) ) and follow me too!!

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