• Member Since 5th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 4th, 2016

Cyber Clash


I like stories. Stories are good. ...Unless they're bad. But good stories are good.

T
Source

Octavia is a polite mare on her way up to fame as a cellist. She was brought up in a strict manner in order to be the perfect member of a perfect family. It was an annoyance at times, and she felt trapped. Of course, Octavia rebelled against it; her family knew what was best and what kind of pony wouldn't want to be perfect?

One day, she meets a homeless mare named Vinyl Scratch and immediately takes her in and asks her to be her servant. Vinyl opens Octavia's eyes, telling her that she's capable of making her own decisions, and that her family simply needed to accept her.

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 191 )

Well done, i look foreward to reading more. :twilightsmile:

also, that free muffins bit made me chuckle. :derpytongue2:

Comment posted by Midnight Spark deleted Dec 20th, 2013

looks pretty interesting... I'll wait what's next:twilightsmile:

@Cyber Clash...
3657047...

Actually... "was an annoyance at times" and "was annoying at times," are both technically correct.

Though since Midnight Spark pointed it out...

It was kind of an annoyance at times, and she felt trapped.

The use of "kind of" and "at times" is a double (redundant) adjective, you only need one.

I would suggest:

It was an annoyance at times, and she felt trapped."

3657104
Whoops. Thanks for fixing my failure there, pendrake. I read the sentence wrong. :twilightoops:

Anyway, really like what you've got going on so far. You've earned a like, fave and follow from me. Keep up the good work!

3656992>>3657059 Oh hey, people like these things. Good, I'm glad you like my writing. :raritystarry:

A good start. You should watch out for repeating stuff, though. You use "she" quite a lot.

Anyway. Looking forward to more.

3657474 Yeah, I've noticed my repetition of pronouns. I find it a bit annoying, but then I change it and it feels weird. But hopefully I'll get past it.

:rainbowkiss::pinkiegasp::derpytongue2: THAT IS AWESOME!!! lol cant wait for more.

3657785 I'm glad this satisfies you.

3657104 3657130 Okay, I just now figured out what you were trying to say. I don't know why, but I read your comment and was like, "Umm... :rainbowhuh: What?" But I get you now. I'll fix it. Thanks.

3657953...

Always glad to help.

It is important to avoid redundant phrasing, because you want to avoid saying the same thing twice over.

....

...what?

:derpytongue2:

I can't wait for more! This a very interesting take on Vinyl and Octavia's friendship....

Hmm, Interesting,
I am going to keep an eye on this!

3660621 :rainbowlaugh: Yes, that is true. Thank you again for spotting that.

I can already tell this is gonna be good.
i.imgur.com/QMwX24n.gif

I think I like it so far.

3664918
3660829
3663759 :twilightblush: I want to keep responding to these nice comments, but I'm extremely timid and I don't know what to say other than "thank you." :twilightsheepish: Still, I appreciate them greatly. :heart:

3666397
That's all right. If I replied to every comment on Bridges in detail, I'd go insane :rainbowlaugh:

3666397
You don't need to respond, just keep it up! I like it.
By the way, I saw this in the Popular Stories box, Congrats! :pinkiehappy:

this was interesting. u have my curiosity

You had my curiosity, but now... now you have my attention.

3666902 I was unaware of this, but thank you for congratulating me. :rainbowkiss:

Spotted this and thought I'd indulge in some Vinyl/Octavia fluff. Though your really haven't gotten there yet, I still see potential in this story. It's decently written, though there are some rookie mistakes. Chief one I noticed was unnecessary repetition. Like,

he vigorously dried herself and put on a robe. With her robe on,

Or

“Yes, that does sound nice,” Frederic said, agreeing with the idea,

The former is reminding us of something that was literally just established, and the latter is telling us exactly what we just heard the character do/say. A mistake, and pretty big one, but one that can be easily corrected with some fat trimming. There was also a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. For instance, the narration told us about how impossible Octavia's parents are, only for her to later rant about them with her friend at the bar - which makes it both telling when you could be showing, and also unnecessary repetition.

Still, for a first story (at least I'm assuming so, since it's the only one in your gallery), this is a very good first attempt. I'll be tracking this one due to premise, and because I think you can improve. :twilightsmile:

Definitely gonna keep my eyes on this one

3669799 Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I'll edit the errors in a moment. Also, thanks for pointing out the showing vs. telling situation. It's true, I've always felt a need to point things out rather than describing them, which is something I try to fix whenever I catch myself, but I usually fail at that... Anyway, this isn't really my first story, just the first one I have on here. I used to have so many more errors on those other ones, though. However, the more one writes, the more they improve, so there. Anyway, thanks again.

WAS GOOD! But one part was a littl off in my head as I read it.. the part where Octy ends the song and goes down onto all four hooves and makes sure the chello doesnt fall with a hoof. :o It might not be offf but my sleep deprived brain wouldnt let that one go in my head.

Thank you for posting, I enjoyed reading your story, I hope to end more...

“M-Miss Vinyl Scratch, you are my butler, n-not my sex slave!” Octavia blushed, her heartbeat becoming rapid.

I didn't realize there was a difference between the two.

I enjoyed it, but it seemed a bit... jumpy?... in places. Like the pacing of the dialogue was a bit hectic. Other than that, great narrative. :twilightsmile:

Pacing; jumpy, but not "hey-look-the-highway-stripe-looks-like-a-consistent-line"
Characters; dynamic, not totally accepting or rejecting common fan beliefs of who they are
Perspective; this is the one that actually bothers me. It feels like it's trying to narrate, then trying to look into Octavia's thoughts, then into Vinyl's, then back to narrator who can't read their minds...somewhat damaging to the world building.

Still interested. My opinion of Scratch and Tavi;
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5473-13389047588362.gif

If you need help proofreading, feel free to contact me! On the other hand, YAY! UPDATES!!

Well that was an enjoyable chapter, it had a nice smooth pace to it. One thing I am curious about though is that Octavia mentioned she was upset that her parents kept saying they were to busy to attend her concerts, and she was mad that they didn't make the time. You then show that her mother is in the hospital, on deathwatch apparently, so Octavia being mad that they can't come to her performances seemed a bit off.

4056058 Hmm...I might accept your offer. Let me just...write a thing, and then we'll see. :pinkiesmile:

4057667 Shh...worry not my friend. It will all be clear when the time is right. I just have a bad habit of saying what's going on before showing it, which throws a lot of people off. I should probably stop it... :twilightblush: But yeah, it'll all come together eventually.

You know, I don't like the word "procrastination" and its relatives. It starts with a positive prefix, but the entire word is negative. It's like Algebra and English had a horrifying mutant child that escaped the hospital.


On a more relevant subject, this is an enjoyable fic. I actually enjoy the sucker-punch, show-before-telling; it feels out of sync until the next part comes into play, not unlike a lot of good music.

Comment posted by Silver_Lined_Sky deleted Mar 10th, 2014

4057774 Possible Cutie Mark Crusaders Proofreaders! YAY!

4060370 It's true. Procrastination is a strange little word. Its origins are a bit different than what most people think, though. The Latin version is "procrastinare." Pro, in this case, means "forward." and "crastinare" means "of tomorrow." :twilightblush: Sorry about the little lecture, I just wanted to clear that up. However, I don't really like saying the word. It sounds very...unattractive when I say it, I guess. I don't know any synonyms for it though, so I have to keep using it.

Anyway, I'm glad you like the story. :pinkiehappy:

The echelon continued to cry

I'm not sure what you meant to say here.

Also, some of the dialogue tags for the other musicians were confusing. I don't remember which of the stallions was white-haired for example.

Liking it so far.

4136729 I think she meant to used it as the meaning "a level of command, authority or rank" because octavia is vinyls boss.

on that note, echelon is much more a military term, usually used to denote a formation of troops or a group of those with rank, so its use here makes very little sense as its use only refers to octavia.

4136729 Sorry, it's a bit ignorant of me to forget that not everyone knows what all the characters look like. Frederic has white hair.

Simply a lovely chapter <3

Too late, we're celebrating anyway...BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER RELEASED!!!!!!!! The story continues...

It takes some sparks to start a fire.:ajsmug:

Ooo~ How exciting! :pinkiehappy:

You wanted to try the violin? That's cool.

(you know what sentence I'm talking about :P) I see what you did there :D

4624652 *covers your mouth* No, shoosh... You are speaking nonsense. You are simply imagining things, yes. I have no idea what you mean by that at all. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope!

4627904 great, now I even made a fool if myself. I CAN DREAM CYBER D: (read that dramatically, and replace Cyber with irl or nickname)

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