Medulla
The crescent moon shone down on the courtyard, highlighting the scene with it's dim white light. The spears in the hands of the bat ponies gleamed in the dark, while their eyes glowing yellow dimly as they stared down their adversaries that they encircled. The changelings stared back with their own blue eyes, the warriors on the outer ring prepared to fight to the last. In the middle stood the only changeling who's eyes didn't shine, and by his side stood an Equestrian Royal Guard, his eyes barely open as exhaustion took it's toll. The changeling started upwards at the fortress that loomed over them, as a small collection of Royal Guards stared back down, unsure what to do with their Captain having mutinied.
Captain Pike yawned, and Eta-Eta put a hoof on his shoulder. "You don't have to do this Captain, we won't blame you if you leave now." He glanced back at the huddled mass of changelings.
Captain Pike shook his head. "No. We got you into this mess, and I'll be damned if I leave before seeing it through. This is as much my fault as anypony else's," he said. "Equestria was founded on friendship, and for that I'll fight."
Eta-Eta smiled at his new friend. "You're a good... colt, captain. I had thought you all cowards, but you've proved me wrong." Eta-Eta could feel magic flowing from Captain Pike into himself, the earth pony had no ability to control magic of his own, and yet contained more energy then any changeling.
Captain Pike smiled back, weakly. "We had thought you all to be petulant children, only needing 'superior minds'. We were wrong, I'm sorry."
Eta-Eta shrugged. "We've both made mistakes, we did invade Canterlot after all. To err is to live, Captain," He said, sheepishly.
Captain Pike laughed. "I'm not a Captain anymore; even if we make it out of this, call me Pike." He cocked an eyebrow at his friend. "Speaking of which, what do your friends call you?"
Eta-Eta thought it over for a moment. "I've never really had any friends, but the Queen has called me "Medulla" at times."
Pike rubbed his chin as he thought on that. "Medulla," he concluded. "The part of the brain that controls basic functions. Seems fitting considering what I know of your role." He smirked at his friend.
"Medula."
Eta-Eta smirked back. "It's been good to know you, Pike, a friend willing to commit treason for his friends is a good friend to have." As he said this there was a flash of light from behind the balcony and the royal guards looking down from it scattered.
"What do you suppose that was?" Pike said, standing to alert.
The answer came swiftly as a dark figure emerged from the throne room onto the balcony and addressed those below in an amazingly powerful voice.
"Captain Pike!"
Pike shuddered for a second and then shouted his reply. "I'm here!"
"Stand down, this is high treason!
"This is what's right! We have no right to be here!" He shouted back.
"You fool, your betrayal makes you no better then these creatures. You will fall with them."
Pike looked shocked at the threat. "There hasn't been pony on pony violence in centuries! Have you gone mad?"
"There hasn't been a mutiny in centuries either! It is my right to punish you for your treason as I will!"
The figure stepped out into the moonlight, and Eta-Eta was confused to see a glowing pair of bat eyes looking down on them, with a markedly extended alicorn compared to Princess Luna.
Pike fell over backwards in shock. "Is that.."
"Nightmare Moon!?" Twilight exclaimed from the top of the leader barracks.
"It is a form we reserve only for the enemies of Equestria, Go now Twilight Sparkle, and leave me to my work." Princess Luna explained.
Twlight vanished with a flash, leaving Pike, Eta-Eta, and the rest to their fate at the hands of the Princess of the Night.
Eta-Eta had a sudden realization. He had been siphoning magic from Pike the whole time, but hadn't realized it because it was almost... natural. He wasn't really siphoning it as it was being given to him.
"Pike." Eta-Eta said, as his horn began to glow. "You've saved us all." Eta-Eta said.
A green shield encircled the group as the night guards looked on in shock. As the shield extended upwards from the ground the pointed ends of their spears were sheered off.
"What is this?!" Princess Luna yelled, and she flew at it- unleashing a beam of energy from her alicorn directed at the shield.
Eta-Eta winced, but the shield held.
Pike looked on the shield with awe as they were all bathed in the green glow of it.
"How are you doing that?" He asked.
Eta-Eta looked at him excitedly. "Pike, you've given me the magic energy to do it. Through your friendship." He put both his hooves on Pikes shoulders. "You've proven that we can both live in harmony, together!"
"How long can this keep up though, I'm about ready to collapse- and you can't generate your own energy." Pike asked, and slumped to the ground.
"We just need to hold out until morning. You've come this far for us Pike, you've committed treason. Now all you need to do is stay the night and with luck Celestia will arrive."
"How would she know to come?" Pike asked.
"I sent a runner," Eta-Eta replied.
"Clever Medulla."
For the next dozen hours Eta-Eta waited, glancing between the steady descent of the moon and his friend, who was clearly the worse for wear. Overhead Princess Luna- still in her Nightmare Moon form- circled. The bat ponies of the night guard had fallen back, without their weapons they had a sudden loss of morale. Eta-Eta kept his friend awake as they shared tales of their exploits. Eta-Eta found that the Captain had risen to his station because he was the one that raised the alarm in Canterlot- having noticed two green maned ponies- one hauling the other unconscious- through the streets. Eta-Eta told him the tale of how he had once been ordered to change into the form of Celestia in his youth, but had blown his cover when he said he didn't care for cake. Pike had a good laugh at that.
"I can't keep it up much longer." Pike said, laying on the ground. He had been awake for close to a day at this point, and had spent nearly half of that powering a magic shield. Eta-Eta and the changelings were fine, they barely needed sleep.
"Just a few minutes more, friend." Eta-Eta said softly. "J-" Pike closed his eyes, and the shield fell.
Eta-Eta turned his gaze to the sky where Princess Luna had been circling. She swooped down behind the bat ponies as they returned to their positions- albeit unarmed.
"A fair attempt, but you were doomed to fail. We will give you one more chance to surrender." She said.
"I'll give you one more chance to leave." Eta-Eta replied.
"Very well then." Princess Luna took wing and hovered over them all. "You will b--"
She was silenced as a blinding light rose over the east wall of the valley. Eta-Eta turned his attention that way and saw two figures silhouetted against the morning sun.
"Princess Luna!" The larger figure shouted, while the smaller broke off and flew towards the group in the courtyard.
Eta-Eta turned his gaze towards the Princess of the Night, and was relieved to see she had reverted to her "proper" form.
"My sister! How nice of you to join us, we were just about to end the changeling threat to Equestria." The two flew up to each other over the courtyard.
"I can see that quite clearly, I can take it from here," Celestia said.
While the pair argued Eta-Gamma down and landed beside Eta-Eta.
"Have I succeeded?" He asked.
Eta-Eta embraced his comrade. "You've done more then that Eta-Gamma, you've saved the Hive."
Turning his attention back upwards the two Princesses seemed to be debating something. As he tried to listen in there was a noise at the balcony and out flew a figure, while a second stood at the balcony. The Queen flew down over the courtyard, wind whistling through her body.
"The queen has returned!" He shouted jubilantly. There were cheers from the assembled changelings.
"I have indeed returned my subjects, it seems our... misguided friend... has had a change of heart."
She flew towards the two princesses, who seemed to not notice her approach, and addressed them.
"Now get out of my hive and let us be, you've done enough harm!" she demanded of them. They turned towards her as Eta-Eta flew up to do his job.
"My Queen." He said, flying level with the others. "There is a matter we must discuss."
"What is it, that it can't wait for after we are finally free of these interlopers?" the Queen asked, as Luna and Celestia looked on.
"We've concluded, in your absence, that the two nations would be better together then apart." Eta-Eta explained. "The idea of a treaty was brought up- one of their Captains even mutinied in support of us."
"Is that true? Perhaps there is merit to this idea." She turned her attention to the princesses. "What say you?"
Luna shook her head, but Celestia smiled and replied. "I think it would be wonderful. We have much to learn from each other and much to offer in trade. Surely friendship is better than... the alternative." She glanced at her sister.
"Then let us retire to the throne room, and we will negotiate. First I demand that all of your armed forces leave, immediately."
Princess Luna was about to speak, but was cut off by her sister. "I think that is fair, The Night Guard should be retiring anyway."
Princess Luna sighed and flew off, the Night Guard flew up from the ground and followed her off, followed shortly by more cheers from the changelings.
"I would like to request that the captain be allowed to stay, at least for now, and that Eta-Gamma also be in attendance," Eta-Eta said.
Celestia and Chrysalis shared a look and then the Queen turned to her second. "Very well." She said.
"I fear he's a Captain no longer however, but we'll speak of this later." Celestia added.
Eta-Eta flew down as the two made for the throne room balcony. Below Eta-Gamma stood in the middle of the group of changelings, unsure of what to do now. Hovering over them Eta-Eta addressed them.
"We owe a great deal to the pony in your midst, he is a friend of the Hive. Go now, and resume your regular duties." Eta-Eta ordered, and then landed beside Eta-Gamma and his friend.
"This pony?" Eta-Gamma said, prodding the unconscious figure.
"This pony indeed, he saved us as much as you did." Eta-Eta said, collecting Pike in his arms. "Go to the throne room, I will meet you there shortly."
Eta-Gamma did as ordered, while Eta-Eta flew into the fortress and passed the Royal Guards as they left. They glanced silently at the changeling carrying their mutinous commander, unsure of what to think. Eta-Eta didn't care what they thought, Pike was a friend. Rainbow Dash was the last Equestrian out. Eta-Eta could almost feel her icy gaze on his back before snorted and flew out the doors.
Arriving at his quarters Eta-Eta used the last bit of magical energy he had to open the door and laid the former-captain on his bed. His eyes opened slightly and he spoke.
"Did we win?" he asked.
"Yes." Eta-Eta said, and Pikes eyes closed again.
Leaving his friend to rest Eta-Eta went to the throne room, where Celestia and Chrysalis had already begun negotiating.
"... paid for through an import tariff, fair enough." Celestia said, drawing a line down a map she displayed on the wall from her alicorn. "At what rate?" She asked.
"Twenty percent, bilateral, we keep our tariff to pay for the damage caused by this invasion."
"I had expected as much." Celestia said, and they noticed Eta-Eta entering.
"Eta-Eta." the Queen said. "You have truly outdone yourself. You've proven more then I could have hoped for." She beamed at her second in command and beckoned him forward.
"You've done good for both our nations." Celestia said. "I had no idea the Hive was so open to negotiation, we just never thought of it."
"So it's going to happen then, the treaty will be signed and we will become... friends?" He asked.
"There's quite a bit of details to go through, but yes. I think it can be done." Celestia said. Chrysalis nodded.
"Such as we need ambassadors to bridge the gap, and maintain contact. Do you have any suggestions?" Chrysalis asked.
"Eta-Gamma would be perfect for the job, he knows Equestria as good as any of us." Eta-Eta suggested.
"You are quite correct, it will be done." Chrysalis said.
For the next few hours the group discussed import tariffs, border lines, daily allocation of people across the borders, and dozens of other semi-important issues of state. An important development was the hive adopting it's first currency- the Equestrian Bit- as it had not needed any such thing before. It was also planned that a train line would be constructed leading from Appleloosa to the Hive, and would be paid for by the Equestrians. The Hive would also split the Badlands with Equestria along the middle.
Late in the discussions Chrysalis had some of the workers bring up the same table as earlier and some lunch for the attending.
"What of your intelligence network, I assume you can promise you won't 'infiltrate' Equestria now?" Celestia asked, as she sipped from a cup of steaming tea.
"Of course, and I will pass any pertinent details gathered to you. In exchange I want the protection of the Equestrian Royal Guard should we ever find the need," Chrysalis said.
"As friends, you shall have it." Celestia replied.
As she said this Twilight entered the room, showing her face for the first time since that morning. She was frazzled, and hung her head low as she entered.
"I'm sorry." She said, as she entered the room with her head held down.
"Don't be so hard on yourself Twilight, we all make mistakes. Leaders just make... bigger mistakes." Celestia smiled at her and gestured her over.
"I would rather not have been trapped in stone for a day, but I suppose in the end- thanks to this treaty- we're all better off. You'll pay for this however. Quite literally."
"I.. will?" Twilight asked, taking a seat beside Celestia.
"Quite so." Celestia said. "The changelings have demanded a thousand bits to recompense the lost productivity and the Queens unfortunate stay as a statue. It will be coming from your own treasury."
"I... have a treasury?" Twilight asked again, confused.
"You did." Celestia said.
"Oh," Twilight said.
Celestia and Chrysalis shared a smile, they weren't all that different in the end. Before them was the final form of the treaty, awaiting their signatures.
"So this is all in order then, and we are agreed?" Celestia asked.
"I find it quite agreeable." Chrysalis replied.
Celestia nodded, and removed one of her horse shoes. Flipping it over Eta-Eta watched as she pulled a bit of wax off a nearby candle, heated it, and then pressed the wax onto the paper with the back of the horse shoe. It formed her seal. Beside it she signed her name. She gave it to Twilight to sign as well, and then to Chrysalis.
"Clever, I might have to steal that idea." Chrysalis noted, signing her own beside. Once done she pushed it down the table to Eta-Eta.
"I feel it proper you should sign too, as well as our new Ambassador."
Eta-Eta figured he would sign with his new "name" Medulla, but what of Eta-Gamma?
"Eta-Gamma doesn't have a... pony name." Eta-Eta stated.
"May I suggest something?" Celestia asked. Eta-Eta nodded.
"Wildcard." She said.
"I like it." Eta-Gamma said, approaching the table from behind Eta-Eta.
"Then it shall be yours." Chrysalis said.
The two changeling leaders signed their "names", and it was done. The Changeling Hive and Equestria signed the first pact between the two in history, following two failed invasions, and two trapped monarchs.
Celestia stood and levitated the treaty in the air, magically duplicating it. While she did another pony entered the room, and Eta-Eta was delighted to see the return of Pike.
"Good afternoon your highness's." He said, giving a weak bow as he entered the room.
"Good afternoon, Pike." Celestia said. Eta-Eta frowned as he noted the loss of his title.
"So, It's as I feared. A captain no more." Pike said, taking a seat beside Eta-Eta. He slouched and had a look of pain on his face.
"You did what was right, but it was treason none the less." Celestia said.
"Now hold on!" Twilight stood up. "This was my idea, why should Pike be punished?"
"I'm not punishing Pike for going along with your plan, Twilight. I'm not punishing Pike at all. The fact of the matter is that if a Captain can't be relied upon to follow his orders, then he is not fit to be captain. I will overlook the fact that he has committed treason, but the fact remains he cannot remain as captain. It would set a bad example throughout the guard and encourage discord."
Chrysalis nodded her approval at this speech, and Twilight sat back down.
"I understand, I guess. I just wish it didn't have to be so."
"Wait a moment," Eta-Eta said. "You need an ambassador, right?" He asked, Celestia nodded.
"I can think of no pony more qualified then Pike. He has the added benefit of already being a friend to the Hive." Eta-Eta suggested.
"Very well, I suppose it is fitting. Do you accept?" Celestia asked Pike.
"I would be honoured." He replied. Eta-Eta watched as in an instant the pony returned to himself, full of pride, and stood to give a proper bow.
"Well, that about settles everything." Chrysalis said. "I would offer you stay for dinner, but our rations have run dry."
Celestia stood as well, Twilight at her side. "We have to get back to Equestria anyway, the Summer Sun Celebration is soon, and we can't miss that."
Chrysalis gestured to Eta-Gamma, whom had been standing behind Eta-Eta. "Go with them, 'Wildcard', represent us well."
He did as ordered, coming to their side.
"And you, Ambassador Pike, represent us well. I'm sure we will speak again soon." Celestia said, and led the trio out.
Chrysalis returned to the throne and a half dozen workers entered to collect the table and dishes.
"Go on you two, you've both got work to do. Report to me as usual tomorrow 'Medulla'."
Eta-Eta smiled at Pike, and he smiled back. Eta-Eta led him out of the throne room and passed those same two door guards. The Hive had returned to normal, except it was a superior state of normal. The hive had been injured, but it had emerged all the stronger.
"I'll set your up in a room next to my own, We'll be doing a lot of work together," Eta-Eta said to Pike.
"I look forward to it, Medulla." He replied.
A few hours later, after getting Pike settled in his new quarters, Eta-Eta returned to his own. He had been awake for nearly thirty hours at this point, which for a changeling was getting into "drowsy" territory. Before calling it a night he noticed a new intelligence report had been laid on his desk at some point. It had the markings of one of the Griffon agents, whom had been waiting on the sidelines of the current anarchy in the Griffon Kingdoms for some sign of who would emerge the ruler. Opening the document Eta-Eta quickly skimmed over the document, and then rushed out of the room to report it to the Equestrian Ambassador and the Queen.
The Griffons had a new High King.
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Ha! Lovely conclusion!
I'm guessing Twilight learned her lesson about international relations? I certainly hope so, especially if she'll be making an appearance in the next story.
My only "criticism" is that I wish we could have seen exactly what happened with Eta-Gamma's mission, especially how he told Celestia of the occupation... the look that must have been on Celestia's face after being told Princess Twilight Sparkle--her student, protege, and daughter-in-all-but-name--led an invasion, imprisoned a ruling monarch, occupied Changeling territory, and attempted to impose a farce of a government!
3713031 Perhaps there will be a short explaining that, I preferred to focus on the occupation itself since this started ballooning in word count beyond what I had expected.
Thank you for your kind words.
Open question to anybody that might see this:
How did you feel about the Nightmare Moon dealio at the end? I decided, based entirely on ~non-canon interpretation~ that Luna is in more or less total control of that form, and either becomes it when she's super pissed, or turns into it at times. It's like a power booster or something. Sometimes she uses it for shock value- and the laser canon power, and sometimes she becomes it just because she's super pissed.
This idea is important for the sequel so I felt like asking.
3713551
Personally, I prefer the idea of Nightmare Moon being the result of something that possessed Luna, but I'm not entirely opposed to stories that make NMM and Luna one and the same.
3713551 I just go with, nightmare moon happens when Luna gets so enraged she loses control of herself.
This is my "entirely canon" interpretation.
3797008 Well thank you very kindly friend.
I was a bit baffled that nobody else seemed to freak out seeing as when Nightmare first appeared she was considered a heavy threat. Th fact she transformed and nobody but the changelings and Pike cared felt kinda off. I would've suggested not using it. Especially as the show seems to lean towards it being some sort of evil she was purified of. If she still uses it, that suggests to me the evil wasn't entirely removed.
Still a solid story, kinda feel like Twilight got off easy though, she came across as more being worried she'd failed Celestia than any sort of guilt over what she'd done to the changelings.
3828113 Firstly, thanks for reading the whole thing.
To get to your points: I had considered the Nightmare Moon deal. In the end I went with it so I could use it later, even if it is totally running against canon. Your interpretation may or may not be correct I dunno. *cough*
You do have a point that reactions to it are iffy, and Twilight getting off easy is a fair point too.
Danke for the input.
Luna being a tyrant in this story is the only bad thing in this story. I hate the Tyrant Luna in this story and I hate you for making her that but I love your story so like and fave on this story and I will read the next one soon.
3837144 Eeeh less of a tyrant, more doing what she thought was needed to protect Equestria, these dudes did invade like, months ago after all. Maybe I went too far? It's possible. I used her as a foil representing what Twilight would have to do if she wanted to carry things to their conclusion.
Criticism noted however, and thank you for your input. Input is the best.
3837153 I am sorry I don't wanna come off as an ass. It don't help I have a crush on Luna ether but it you kinda made her look bloodthirsty in this fic. Like she was itching for a fight like Nightmare Moon I'm totally shitting myself right now with fear scary stuff.
3837162 Never worry about sounding like an ass, criticism is the way we grow as artists. If you wanna straight up say it was bad and terrible that's a valid opinion to have.
She was totally supposed to be scary so I suppose succeeded on that point. My core idea there was Luna doesn't mess around with anybody she considers an enemy. 'Don't mess with Equestria, I will find you.'.
3850324 This is hilarious and may this stand as a monument to my hasty editing, thank you for point this out as well as the earlier point.
I think there should be more explanation as to why Celestia came to the rescue so readily. I would think she would need some convincing before coming to their aid.
3850401 Possibly, that and Twilight being shoved to the side and 'getting away with it' stand as points of criticism. Maybe in the future I'll come back and consider them, but not any time soon.
Thanks for the insight though, insight is the best thing of all things.
Definitely one of the better changeling fics around. One thing that rubs me the wrong way is how well everything turned out. I'm expecting shit to go down in the sequel.
3856557 The sequel some shit does go down, but it had a lighter tone since I was using it more of a breadboard to experiment with character interplay.
The third one, woooooooh boy shiz is gonna shiz right up.
Anyway, thanks for the kind words.
This was kind of disappointing.
I read the whole thing; it's a good idea, and a good plot, but it needs an editor. Badly.
3958011 I agree, it did fall apart a few times. Once I've improved my skills enough I will definitely take another look at it.
Thanks for the comment, if you've got anything specific let me know.
I'm probably going to do some heavy re-writing a few months from now when I've finished with A Circle Has No End. My writing style is still hecka amateur, but it's evolved significantly.
Well, I finally got time to go through this. I have... mixed feelings about it. The first chapters felt slow, clunky, and confused. Who was the protagonist? Who am I supposed to be following and caring about? Eta-Gamma didn't actually feel like a real character, and then we switched to Twilight's point of view, but this didn't seem to be a story about her at all. I found it got much more interesting and readable when I reached Eta-Eta's point of view, and he is clearly our protagonist, but we didn't even meet him until the end of the second chapter. I feel like the beginning could be cut down and tightened up a ton. But on the other hand, this ENTIRE final chapter (and a lot of what lead into it too) was just... way too fast! This happened, then that happened, then the other happened, suddenly Luna, suddenly guard captain turning traitor, suddenly shield wall, suddenly Celestia! Suddenly treaty, all finished! Suddenly new names all around! Suddenly everything! Celestia coming was the only thing that had any foreshadowing, build up, or establishment for it that I could find. And Pike suddenly being a major character when we never really get much of a look at his personality before that was odd. Not to mention him throwing over his previous loyalties completely for a friendship that only just formed that very day was even more odd, it felt like it came out of nowhere.
That's all the bad though. The good is pretty good! I absolutely love your take on changelings. Eta-Eta is a great character. The way he takes charge, his loyalty to the queen, his pragmatic approach to things, those were all a lot of fun. He is a kick-flank kind of guy, I enjoy that. Your Chrysalis is pretty interesting too. The notion of Twilight trying an invasion and getting herself into trouble is also interesting. I just feel that this suffers very badly from forcing the entire plot into one single day. I realize that keeping Celestia ignorant of what has happened for longer than that might be difficult, but I think that's the one thing that would help this story the most, is giving things like Pike's friendship time to develop naturally. (If the sharing of past stories had happened while at loose ends during the occupation, for example, and not during the final confrontation.)
Just my $0.02, don't feel obligated to agree with me on any of this, of course. It's your story, not mine.
I did enjoy it once I got into it a bit.
4105816 I love this, criticism is how we improve as artists. It's rare that I get such a well thought out and insightful critique, thank you very kindly.
Now, hopefully without looking like I'm trying to apologize for my failings or something, I will address your main points.
Agreed. The "prologue" was hasty and ill-conceived. It was planned to explain why Twilight had the idea to go after the hive, but suffers from a lack of direction. Much like the whole thing really.
[quote[Eta-Gamma didn't actually feel like a real character, and then we switched to Twilight's point of view, but this didn't seem to be a story about her at all. I found it got much more interesting and readable when I reached Eta-Eta's point of view, and he is clearly our protagonist, but we didn't even meet him until the end of the second chapter. Well, I did mention the first chapter was a prologue, but it's so disconnected from the story as a whole that's probably not even that, so your point stands. Integrating the prologue into the story itself would have been wiser.
I have a very notable weakness of going "plot point to plot point"- almost as if I'm writing a history paper or something. It's a critical weakness that I hope is getting better with time, and very visible within this first work. I like to think it's slowly going away, but it's impossible for me, as the author, to be sure.I think this is a natural result of a poli-sci taking up a creative writing hobby, gotta get away from that sort of dry paper writing. Thus why I bug everyone for feedback.
Agreed, I had (have?) a weakness for building believable and developing characters. The sequel to this was originally conceived as as an experiment with that, which I think was successful.
~EGO INTENSIFIES~
Well thank you, I used them mostly because there's little to no canon on them, so I could go hog wild and do whatever. I continued developing them for the next couple months through the sequel.
[quote[Eta-Eta is a great character. The way he takes charge, his loyalty to the queen, his pragmatic approach to things, those were all a lot of fun. He is a kick-flank kind of guy, I enjoy that. Your Chrysalis is pretty interesting too. Thank you again, I certainly tried. 2 good characters out of... four? I passed!
Maybe there is some way to extend it out to a week, maaaybe.
That was worth at least five dollars. One day, when I think I've improved enough for it to make a difference, I'll re-write this thing. I think the core idea is fantastic (EGO EXPLOSION), but the execution is...
eeeehhhhhhhhh
This story has been reviewed in the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group!
Follow the link to read it.
4874212
I love you for doing this, and I find your review to be entirely fair. Glad to hear you enjoyed it, despite it's flaws!
I do have to say this was really good, though I agree it did seem a little disjointed and jumpy from time to time. Though I disagree about the prolog not fitting, I read it and as the story moved on I saw it as a 'mean while' type of excerpt from the rest of the story.
5038855
It's purpose was to provide reason for Twilight's hilarious jumping the gun on "Well, I'll just invade them!"
Thanks for your comment, love you as always.
Desk of Wildcard follows from this.
'I... Have a treasury?'
'You did.'
Priceless!
5039593
Glad to hear you liked my collection of words!
Wonderful idea, godawful execution. It’s not just the grammar and spelling errors, it’s pretty much all of it. I can’t think of anything to point out that you did right, merely things that you did less wrong than others.
5585887
Dang son, not pulling any punches here are you?
You're right though, it was poorly executed at every level. I learned a lot from it.
A nice story the one you have here.
The idea is good, but I have to say that it has been a bit too fast. You had meat for a story of months xD
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I was starting to wonder if I'll get back to fanfiction, and here comes a fresh new face to brighten my day!
I would love to hear your thoughts, I've started work on the newest part and you could have a significant impact.
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I am finally getting to reading your comments, before I begin let me just say thank you for caring about my work- and if you have any closing points about my first work (this one) I would love to hear them. What I did good, what I did bad, how I surprised you in any ways- did the plot ever go directions you didn't expect?
oh SUPERSEDED ouch
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I love seeing comments like yours, they really brighten up my day and push me more to write again... which isn't happening tonight.
Regardless! I have more stories that can use colourful commentary and would love to pick at your brain for insight.
7064465 oh certainly
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Team ling o3o