The invasion of Canterlot has failed and the changelings have been cast out of the city. Captain Shining Armor and Princess Cadance were married just afterwards and all has been well for two long years.
But the changelings were not intending on giving up. The second invasion is on it's way. An event which will drastically alter the life of one changeling in particular. This is his story.
(By the way this is my first Fanfic ever so please give it a read and remember that both criticism and compliments are appreciated!)
Chapters (6)
I Shall read it :)
(While listening to Greenday of course)
I like this. Good job.
though I don't see the references to novel tale much.
awwww this is adobes. very nice job, I await patiently for your next installment, bra.
3712181 Thanks! I am going to TRY to put out a new chapter every 2 days. But next week things might slow down a bit
well that escalated quickly.
btw, would you mind if I added this to changelings need love too?
3736976
but I will add the story into their feed immediatley!
Thanks for telling me about that! I didn't even know about them
Yesss, take her to her aunts house, this is a very good idea :-)
fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/017/8/7/ponywithbackground_by_m2749-d72mby6.png
Here's a picture of the pony that Arex became when he moved to Ponyville.
As far as it goes, this story just hasn't been grabbing me. You've got some good ideas, but your development and delivery need some work.
First off, you have a tendency to meander a bit, especially in the first chapter. The first chapter is your attention-grabber, where you let your readers know what sort of things they can be expecting in your story. It needs to be tight and concise, while at the same time something to draw the reader in. Instead, we get the wondrous adventures of an accountant going through a long day and doing things that don't feel important to the overall narrative. (I need a :snore: emoticon)
Another big issue you've got is what I like to call "talking head syndrome". This is when you've got two or more characters in a conversation, but they're not doing anything. They're just a pair of talking heads. These are the parts where you go straight from one character talking to the next without any pause for words that aren't dialogue. Occasionally, I also tend to lose track of who's talking at points like this. Even tiny things like: "Character X flicked his ears as he considered what Character Y said" can add a lot of life to a scene.
The last big problem that keeps throwing me out of the narrative is the constant timeskips. These are just unneeded, and nothing ruins immersion quite like huge-ass words saying "1 MONTH LATER!" If you really have to keep all the timeskips instead of trimming out and combining a few (and you really shouldn't), then try to figure out ways to work them into the narrative. "Time really flies by when you're not paying attention. Had it already been a full season since X happened?"
Other then that, the story was serviceable. Again, it failed to grab me, but it just needs some work. You've got the bones here for a good story, but it's held back by a lack of life and a fair amount of useless chaff.
Good luck and never stop.
3804846
Thank you for the constructive criticism! I have made it a priority in trying to stretch my story out to an acceptable length and in doing so you may have a point that I have included some events which may not have been directly relevant to the plot. I have also considered changing something about the timeskips as well ad that is the first thing I will address. I have decided to change my approach just slightly in my next chapter.
I think Whatsherface is going to find out about the changeling, everyone is going to flip their collective shits and mr. arex is gonna flee to the crystal empire or whatever. Bam!there is my prediction.
The overarching plot is just great! I love the characters but I'm getting worked up with how twilight finds out and I'm sue she will! But will lexi find out first and question him? Or will twilight find out and go batty!
When it hit Lexi my heart stopped for a moment
How long before the next chapter? I really want to see this story through, as it is interesting.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
3808149 More please?
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
0:47_2/10/2016
I'm kinda sad this ended here. It was getting real interesting.