Chapter Five: Pleasent Dreams (DANGER ZONE)
Chapter Five
???? ???? ????
Dreams offer a window to the mind, but I have never really liked my own dreams. Whenever I dream, it feels like I take a backseat into myself, like I am on auto pilot and not really there. I also find the symbolism present in the dreams to be vague and disturbing to say the least. I make an effort to forget my dreams every time I wake up, since I just can't deal with the memory of the kind of bullshit my douchey subconscious puts me through in the morning, I just can't!
I am walking down a leather, lavender colored street. I check the time on the pocket watch stapled to the back of my right hand. It has a crack running down its face. The crack glows a sparkling white as the pocket watch splits open, revealing a blinking yellow eye. The staple pops off as the pocket watch slithers down my arm like a snake down a tree. I spy a moustache lying on the sidewalk which flaps and flies away as I near it. I hear a gunshot ring out through the street.
"Good on yah mate!" Hollers a voice coming from a hat which hanged from a nearby cloth lamp post. "Jim sandy on the goober dandy if da Budgie smugglers known what wubner gub'daed lolloped in the wallaby covered in fried nutella!" it screeches in its unintelligible Australian accent as it turns to ash.
I look around some more. I am now in a bizarre bazaar. Instead of spices and sweat, I smell soap and rubbing alcohol. The stalls line up and go forward into infinity, but I know that I won't have to walk far... somehow. The first stall I come to is full of spare parts and broken toys. In the center of it was a man sized robot with an iron mustache. Its eyes flicker on, bathing me in a calm white light. I hear its voice box pop on. "Hello son" I hear the robot say in its harsh guttural whine before it falls to pieces.
I walk further down the weird street. Suddenly, out of one of the back alleys, Three little ponies swing past me on a rope screaming, "Cutie mark Saxton Hales!" before colliding with the opposite wall and vanishing, leaving a red hippie shaped stain. I keep walking still, to the next stall... it is not far now. Not far at all. I hear a strange foreboding beat coming from the back of the darkened stall. All I see are three heads lined in a row... each of them looked exactly like me, except the left one had sewn up eyes and a post-it note naming it Id, the middle had a sewn-up mouth and stapled on its brow was a hunk of wood labeled ego, the rightmost one had no ears to speak of and in front of it was a plaque that said: Super Ego . Behind them was a zebra. In addition to the golden rings wrapped around her neck there was a sign labeling her: Zecora
"I suppose you are going to say something wise, that rhymes as well?" I say to the zebra.
The song’s pace quickens as the eyeless head begins to speak. "You are coming apart at the seams, and it all feels like a dream," It says jovially with a mad laugh.
The middle head gives a muffled moan and an unsaid, woeful limerick.
The rightmost head says calmly, "It seems that you are out of luck, so why bother to give a fuck?"
I look at the zebra expectantly. The beat grows louder. The three heads start to shake, as if in anticipation of the rhyme to come. The zebra moves its head under the counter the heads were on. It comes back up, the beating stops. She is chewing on some hay. I close my eyes in disappointment. When I open them, I am no longer in the strange market, but at Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie is in front of me, behind the counter.
Her mane is flat and she has a dull, vacant gaze in her eyes. She brings a plate up from under the counter. She deadpans," Would you like a cupcake?" The cupcake looks normal. It has cyan frosting and rainbow sprinkles. It smelled like skittles. The weird thing about this cupcake though, was the wrapper encasing the treat. It had a soft furry texture... and a familiar thunder cloud design. I peel the wrapping off and take a bite of the cupcake. The taste was wrong, instead of being moist and delicious, it was succulent and juicy. I feel something dribble down my chin... something warm and wet.
Before I can analyze the taste of the cupcake any further, Pinkie Pie apathetically says," There are more cupcakes in the back room." She nods her head to the door behind her. I look at the big red door. It has a malevolent glow coming from its outline. I turn to look back at Pinkie Pie, but she isn't there. There is only a stack of pink, leather, fresh parchment on the counter. I look back to the door, which is no longer red, or a door at all. It’s a beaded curtain that looks like a mystic eye staring at me. I hear moaning and screaming emanating from the other room I listlessly walk through the curtain.
I am now on a pedestal in a garden on the outskirts of a maze. Everything looks dull and lifeless, all the colors are pale imitations of real hues. I hear humming coming from behind me. It's Discord, a draconequus once more. He is painting a mannequin of a small alicorn a dark shade of blonde. Its fake mane is orange and blue. I walk up behind him to get a closer look. He stops humming and turns to look at me.
"Well if it isn't Ashton! How do you like the new friend I made for myself?" He squints at me with glee as he pulls me closer to the mannequin." Her name is Bright Eyes! She likes long walks on the beach, rainbows and keeping everything neat and organized," he bats his eyes, and starts gagging. He looks at me expectantly as I say nothing. He has a momentary look of confusion on his face until some kind of realization dawns on him. "Does my wittle human not realize he is dreaming?" He gushes, clapping his hands together." This will be easier then I thought! Ashton... meet the new you!" He says with a vigorous wave of his hands in "Bright Eye's" direction.
I hear glass shattering as everything becomes... clear. I have been dreaming! Discord is about to replace my mind with a female pony! That wasn't a cupcake! Ahhh! Discord is really Discord! My eye twitches spasmodically. Wait... Discord is really Discord! Then he must be the cause of this craziness I’m dealing with! So I am sane! Yay! Now to deal with Discord. I calmly say, "I don't like my dreamscape being a fucking freak show Discord... Get the fuck out of my head, now." I pause, something is wrong here. Oh my God I just cursed out loud, I put my hand to my mouth in horror.
"Looks like someone is a repressed potty mouth, "Discord sing-songs as he flies around me, "As for the decor of your mind, that was all you buster." He points at me. "At first I thought you were just serious and shy, but now I can see you’re nuts!" I feel a draft, I'm naked! I cover my junk up with my hands. Wait, I am dreaming. I am now in Samus's metroid suit. The chest area is delightfully roomy, but there is a distinct lack of gro- Why did a chick’s power suit automatically come to my mind when I manifested something for me to wear?! Oh my God, will the slightest thought from me conjure up disaster? Must. Not. Think. Of. Stay Puft Marshmallow ma- Sweet jesus! A giant Michelin Man, and he’s on fire!
As my horrific mind creation stomps through the garden, I see Discord eating popcorn. Between the munching and giggling he says, "Not experienced with the whole lucid dreaming thing, are you Ashton? Well you won't have to be worrying about that for long."
"How so, dipshit?" I ask, puzzled. I cringe again, I just cursed for the third time!
"You bore me", he says bluntly, "Oh sure, your lack of reaction was... refreshing, and all this madness!" He gestures as everything flashes brightly, both myself and Discord are now in the center of what appears to be Ponyville... except that we were surrounded by a writhing black mass. "You can practically smell the insanity!" He laughs. I can't resist sniffing the air... it smells like seaweed smothered in chocolate, with just a hint of ozone. He grabs me by my shoulder and looks me in the eye. "It's not me, it's you. Don't worry though, I shall remedy your lack of entertainment value!"
"Damn it Discord! Just fucking spit it out, you fucked up piece of horse excrement!" I flinch. Discord frowns as he disappears behind me. I quickly turn around to follow him, but he is nowhere to be found.
I hear a rummaging... well, not so much as hear it, but think it against my will. I hear-think Discord muttering to himself," Hmm, alrighty then... ~Who the balls are you!?~ Oh, hello there!" I think-hear a violent struggling. ~MMPF!!!~ a familiar gagged voice think-says. "Okay then... Oad-De-Pee-Dus Complex... I wonder what that means." I think-hear a switch flick on. My mommy didn't love me enough! I start bawling as I think-hear, "Hah! Humans are weird." The switch flicks again. I suck up my tears. "Ah, here it is!" I hear-think a rusty valve turning, releasing a stream of profanity that knocks me off my feet. I close my eyes.
I am on a ship now, the sails are down and the Jolly Roger is flapping proudly. I smell the salty air and grin, this is the life for me. Nothing to tie me down, just myself, the sea and my booty! I squint my eyes as I stare into the horizon. Something is off, something isn't right. I run down the- I fall down the steps. Freaking peg leg! Shouldn't I have gotten used to this infernal missing limb?! I have been sailing for how long now? Wait, how long have I even been a pirate? I hear a bleak rattling and a particularly fierce wave rocks the boat. I grab onto the- I blink- the ruby red banister of my ship. The shaking stops and I make my way to the brig.
I walk through the heart of the ship, or is it the bowels? Certainly smells like it anyway. I hear someone laughing to himself. I frown. No one should be laughing here, something is wrong on my ship. When something is wrong on my ship, no one should be happy, especially in the brig. Hmmm, I stroll down the brig hall, my hook clinks and clanks on the iron cells. I find the source of the manic laughter, it’s one of the old stowaways I found on this ship. He’s wearing a tattered suit; it has a red bow-tie stapled to it and he has a fez on his head. Those were the only items I found on him, besides a broken fancy dancy pocket watch that I couldn't get rid of at port. Stupid superstitious morons, the watch isn't haunted! Okay, maybe a little bit... I couldn't stand the voices I heard coming out from it, so I tossed it into the briny depths.
"How's the doctor today", I say in my fake good mood voice.
His eyes swivel around, and he shouts, "It’s bigger on the inside! Nothing here is real! You are losing your mind!"
I shake my head wearily, regretting my decision of letting this man live on my ship for... for... how long again? Never mind that, there is something wrong with my ship and I need to fix it. I draw out my flintlock, take aim then fire. The strange man slumps, his last murmur calling me a tardis or something... I don't know, since I pay no heed to the last words of fools. Although I loathe to admit it, his crazed jammerings got to me, and to whatever is making the ship feel odd. I hear the ominous rattling again.
I continue to walk down the hall of cells, all the way to the end. I walk up to the broad oak door and gulp. I wrap my hand around the knob and twist. I gasp at the rotten stench coming from the room. Well... it's not a room, but a cupboard. Its sole occupant is a skeleton with a sign around its neck saying, Stolen Sweets. I stare at the skeleton before saying,"Reveal thyself demon!"
The skeleton doesn't move. I sigh, then give it a good whack upside the cranium. "Ack! Fine, I‘m awake dang nab it!" Its voice sounds old... not the deep rumbling ancient kind of old, but the shrill lecherous grandpappy kind. "What do you want to know sonny boy?"
"Tell me what’s wrong with my ship!" I yell.
"It has a homosexual captain, that's what!" he hoots and hollers at me. I slap his head around some more. "Fine!" he groans. "Something is happening..." The skeleton tilts his head in thought," in the dining quarters." I walk back up the hall, fuming. Stupid bag of bones, if there was something wrong in the dining hall, I would know about it!
I bash down the door, ire in my eye, scoping out the room. I spy two scantily clad winches laying in the corner. I'd let them hoist my sails, if you know what I mean. The room seems empty... except for the 'crew'. "Well me hearties, have ye been drinking well?" The group of skeletons collapse into a heap in their chair at my bellowing laugh. I snort in amusement as I make my way to the bar.
"I'll have your rummiest rum-flavored rum-rummy, with a side of rum, dipped in rum... don't go easy on the rum." I squint at the bartender... and I yank his head from his neck. His glassy mug face is deliciously surprised as I partake in his sweet sweet life-rum. I knew it was a good decision to have a shape shifter as a bartender. Wait... there’s something wrong about this, but I can't put my hook on it. It's not important. Bah, it's probably because this rum is stale! I throw the glass on the floor, watching it shatter into a million glistening shards.
The lights in the bar dim, and everything around me is now a tinge of gray. I hear the door open and turn to see the newcomer. Of all the rum joints in all the ships in all the sea, she walks into mine. "Bright eyes..." I grimace. She stares at me with those wide canvas colored eyes, completely emotionless. Her mismatched blue and orange hair was flowing unnaturally as if there was a breeze in this room, she is wearing her trademark yellow robe. "What do you want girl?" I say with a sneer.
She draws out a long curved dagger from under her robe joylessly. "Your ship, captain." she deadpans coldly. I laugh at her loudly as I come up with a plan of attack.
I turn back to look at the bartender and command," Play it, Sam." His neck becomes a piano and it plays a strange song. A horrendous, yet catchy beat fills the bar. My head is wrapped in confusion as a name appears in my mind until I shake my head and forget about it. Yes, it's nothing I glare at the preposterous shape shifter. He stops his foolish dancing and that silly tune, slumps on the table and plays the right song. I smile to the sorrowful tune and turn back to face the rotten mutineer.
Alright, she’s a wee lassie and I could just toss her scrawny ass overboard, but that would be too simple. I suppose I could keelhaul her, but that would get brine all over the ship... A sharp cold pain in my heart interrupts my thoughts. Oh, or that could happen. I look down at the blade piercing my chest as my vision darkens. So this is the end of ol' Lip Beard the black eh? So be it, I close my eyes for the last time as a pirate. I hear a familiar voice blurt out, "Oh come on! That wasn't even a minute! Ashton, you made a poor pirate, and an even worse toy to play with."
Another voice says, "Well at least he is dedicated to the whole pirate bit, I mean you hardly had to worm into his head and convince him he was one."
" Oh stuff it Deep, or whatever your name is, this was the worst. Dream. Mutiny. Ever!"
The glass shatters again. Son of a bitch! I open my eyes again and look for the source of the voice. It is coming from a suspended box in the middle of the room. I take the blade from my heart, it doesn't hurt and there is no wound. I walk past the humanized made up mare. She was only a puppet, and her puppeteer was in that box. I nudge the hanging box and notice a strange smell in the air, a sugary smell. I stand on my tippy toes to glimpse into the large box. Inside was a man, Discord and a ton of bubbling pudding with swirling chunks of jello bobbing up and down.
"So the sleeper has awakened!" cries Discord. "Woe is us, woe is us!" He laughs.
"I'll say it again Discord... get out of my head." I say sternly and then lose all seriousness when I realize who the man sitting next to him is. "Oh my God you’re Johnny Depp!” I squeal.
He rolls his eyes and sighs. "It's boring when they’re lucid." He vanishes without a trace, leaving me bewildered.
"Still can't control your mind eh? Tut tut, and you called yourself a wizard." He shakes his head.
I finally lose it. "You're in my world now!" I yell, the hot tub begins to freeze over. "Not yours!" His smug face freezes, gaining a blue tinge as icicles grow out of his nose. "And I've got friends on the other side." Unexpectedly the almighty Thor appears behind me.
He righteously screams, "Begone foul icy specter!" as he swings his hammer down into the frozen pool of pudding, shattering it, Discord and everything else, leaving behind only whiteness.
I sigh. At least I defeated Disc- "Oh silly boy, you honestly think you can defeat me with paltry mind games like that?" Discord laughs as he floats out behind me." Come now, this place is practically home turf for me! How many centuries was I stuck in my mind? I lost track around the 1,534,253,463rd Boomtime." he laughs hysterically. I take a step back. Discord looks closely at me and smiles slyly. "You know what? I think I’ll actually offer you a chance." He pulls a huge hourglass out from behind his beard. "Tell you what, if you manage to..." He air quotes with a giggle, "Defeat me in five minutes, I won't replace your mind with the mind of a silly generic mare." The sand in the hour glass starts to fall up. "The clock is ticking, Ashton."
What choice do I have? "Okay then." I say. How the hell am I going to beat Discord? Oh shit oh shit oh shit! I need some serious guidance, stat!
I hear footsteps behind me and a voice calmly said, "You are the architect of your mind, I am sure you can think of something."
I spin around and- oh my God it's Leonardo DiCaprio! Er... I mean... that one dude from that weird ass movie... yeah. Yeah! This is my mind we are in and I am the architect, I am the master! I am a house.
As far as houses go, I am a small one. I am relatively modern, with hints of Renaissance architecture, just a splash of rustic old American, and a whole lotta something else. My third window shutter hangs on one hinge and flaps too much for my liking, my windows are soapy, and I have been empty for so, so long. there is a rumbling in my foundation, my cupboards start rattling.
There is a loud voice coming from the source of the rumbling. "So is this the house we're tearing down eh?"
Another voice replies, "Yup, it says so right here; 1313 Mockingbird Lane."
"Well, let her rip..." The sound gets even louder. Dishes in my kitchen cupboard fall out and shatter on the floor. My walls crumble apart as a colorfully dark yellow wrecking ball crashes into my foyer, lodging itself in my fireplace and bursting my main pipe. Its blue and orange chain rips my drywall apart. Just as my electricity fizzles out, a voice says," Four minutes left Ashton, and you’re just sitting there like a loon."
Son of a bitch! I open my eyes, glad that I am not an actual house. I am laying down on the white space. Now I’m standing up, or was I already standing up? Fuck this dreamscape! Leonardo DiCaprio walks back in front of me and squints at me, "We have to go deeper!" I use the gun I suddenly have to shoot the asshole. Right in the face.
A thin line of pure nothingness streaks out in front of me, and out walks what appears to be a small child with a huge deformed head and two small white pink pricks for eyes... Oh, and he was also just... blackness. He grabs the dead actor by his left foot and drags him into the ethereal slit. I am more then a little confused. Then a goldfish with the face of Borat swims around me, then under a pole. "Oh." I facepalm, realizing that I missed such an obvious link between two references.
I hear the ticking of a clock, I turn to see Discord, sitting on the hour glass, which has now been separated into three separate chunks, yet they were still connected as the sand flowed in... circles? My brain hurts looking at it, but I take a few haphazard steps towards discord. I have to get serious now. Gotta get ready. Gotta get set. I gotta...Go!
The green light flashes, and I stomp on the accelerator. I feel the weight of gravity slam me into my seat as my car screams down the road at 300 miles per hour. I overtake most of the other racers in my cherry red Oscar Mayer wiener van. All except the car driven by racer D, a white pink polka dotted Humvee. I come to the A-turn and I drift myself into position ahead of racer D.
I smile sinisterly as the announcer cries out, "Racer bacon has taken the lead! Here comes his signature move" I press... the button. The trunk ejects all of the bacon in wiener-mobile. I look in my rearview mirror sending Racer D into a delightful tailspin. I giggle to myself as I look back at the ro- Oh my god it’s a yellow elephant! I don't even try to slam the breaks... there’s no point in it.
I see raining blue and orange elephant bits all over the place, and the last thing I hear is a familiar voice saying," 3 minutes left, baby!"
I open my eyes to the white place again. Son of a bitch! Why does this keep happening!? Discord looks at me with a smile. He is now the hourglass, a likeness of his face etched into its glass surface. I... I just have to calm down, get my head straight and not fall back into a dream..
I am a bowl of peanuts plummeting toward a yellow planet, my salty nuts slowly tumble out of me. How embarrassing! Whoops! There goes a blue cloud. Oh, and there's an orange duck... neat! I sure have been falling for a while... how high up am I? Wait... I am a bowl of peanuts... how am I thinking? What if I am a butterfly dreaming I am a human dreaming that he is a bowl of peanuts falling toward the ground at a hundred miles per hour? I hope I wake up before I hit the ground.
I hit the ground and shatter into pieces, my nuts pitter patter on the ground like rain. Something nudges one of my shards and says," 2 minutes left, little man."
I open my eyes... again. Oh come on! This is getting ridiculous. I turn to Discord, who is now a cloud of flying clocks, ticking in reverse. I shake my head in irritation and get up, taking a few steady stomps toward him. It's time to get serious! Discord has infested my mind like locusts, and he must be... exterminated.
"What muh-my lord Inquisitor?" stutters one of the lowly scribes. I sigh. I knew I should’ve had the entire staff be servitors, Emperor damn my need for human contact. I stare at the insect on my massive power glove with disdain. A quick flip of the switch both fries the bug and strikes fear in the crew.
"You heard me." I say coldly. "Initiate Exterminatus." I gaze at the vox screen of the planet below us, Discordia. It is, and soon to be was, a hive of scum and vermin. The entire world looked like a writhing tumor in space, all its crevices slowly warping and crawling across its surface like maggots, illuminated by an abominable mixture of heretic sorcery and xenos technology. It was a blight on the universe, and I its OxiClean.
I feel the ship’s engine thrum with anticipation, the navigator has a look of ecstasy plastered upon his face. I treat myself to a rare smile. For once, things are going smoothly and I don’t see how anything can go wrong. The sirens blare and the ship shakes violently. An electronic voice politely says, "Air breach detected in sector 8. Air breach detected in sector 7. Air breach detected in sector 6." and so on and so forth, each statement accompanied by a vicious shake, each one more violent then the next. The vox net is full of the sounds of people’s dying screams.
"What’s going on!?" I demand as I turn to look at one of the crew members manning the vox screens. All but one of the adepts were in one piece, the sole yellow robed tech priest was surrounded by the mutilated remains of the crew. Her mechadendrites shifted and shimmered, becoming two blue and orange tentacles. Her eyes glow a desolate white. I knew I should have went with servitors.
"For Discord!" the Crazed chaos worshiper hisses as she flings one of frayed sparking wires at me. Hmmm, Discord must be one of the names for one of the thousand faces of t'zeencht. I grab the incoming wire with my power fist. Bad move, it goes haywire. I see the fist heading right for my face, and my world explodes.
I open my eyes screaming. Damn it all! I just want to get out of this nowhere place! I look at Discord. He is now wearing a black robe and is holding a scythe. He is frowning and tapping his foot impatiently. "One minute left Ashton." He says solemnly, in an almost disappointed sounding tone. This is the last chance I have. I lope over to him, just within reach of his twisted horns. All I have to do is beat discord, and go back to the real world. Although now... I am finding it hard discerning what is real or not. All I want to do is just... Wake up from this nightmare.
I open my eyes. My head hurts and everything feels foggy. I must have been having the weirdest dream... thank god I don't remember any of it. Rubbing my sore cranium, I roll off my immaculate bed and saunter into the living room. Classical music caresses my eardrums. I knew this feeling of happiness and oneness with the universe wouldn't last for long. On the spotless coffee table I spot... it.
It just stands there, but its innocent facade does not fool me! I know an aura of malicious intention when I see it. That can doesn't have peanuts in it! I cautiously walk up to the table, slowly but surely. Well... I don't hear any ticking, so it isn't an explosive. I poke it gingerly. Oh my god it just shook! It must be full of venomous snakes trained to go for the gonads! Fuck that shit!
"Oh Discord!" I say, my voice laden with faux kindness, "Want some... peanuts?"
The draconequus jumps out from behind the door like a giddy school child. "Would I!?" He dives for the can and falls behind the table and out of sight. I crane my neck over the table to see if he’s dead yet but he is nowhere to be found, until I turn to my right and see him munching on what was obviously not snakes.
I gasp. Isn't Discord allergic to peanuts? He starts choking and convulsing. I laugh a little, and soon I am laughing my ass off as Discord’s face starts to swell. What's he pointing at? I feel a warm wetness on the nape of my neck. Oh balls.
I turn around ever so slowly to find a large panda staring at me with dead, white eyes. I give a silent wheeze of pure terror. The panda keeps staring at me, and in a moment of fatalism I notice that this panda was a neapolitan of yellow, blue, and orange. I want to call shenanigans on this, but for some reason, I knew I should have seen this coming. I see only a gaping maw before my eyes close.
I open my eyes the to the whiteness once more. I slowly get to my feet. "Enjoying your last moments of being Ashton, Bright Eyes?" I hear Discord say behind me cheekily. I turn to see him and Bright Eyes staring at me. Although Bright Eyes was now a fully fledged pony Alicorn now, she still wore that glassy white stare. The lights are on, but no one’s home. I wonder if I’m laying down on the floor with that same stare on my face in the real world.
I step back a bit, but I don't know why, it's not like I can outrun them without falling into a dream scene. I shakily say,' “Any way I can convince you not to do this?"
"It's not me that you have to convince spare your mind Ashton, you need to convince yourself to actually care that you are being erased." He sees my look of confusion with a frown. "You are too ingrained into your apathy my dear boy, although you may want to stay, Ashton." He gives a small snort. "Your subconscious couldn't care less!"
I feel my heart thump against my chest like cannonball. He was completely right. The realization makes me hollow inside. I really didn't care, who was I trying to fool? The real reason I had let Discord live with me was that I didn't care enough to shoo him away. I didn't care enough to investigate what had happened with my dad. I don't remember anything of the past week because I didn't care enough to remember it. I slump down and lay on the fainting couch behind me, a fainting couch that wasn't there a second ago. "You are completely right," I say, feeling more and more like I didn't exist.
He nods saying, "Dun't vorry little vun, It vill all ve ovar soon." He is wearing a head mirror and a stethoscope. His eyes were swirling pools of green and yellow... and they were just taking me in deeper... and deeper. That's when it struck me. An epiphany the likes of no other. I am an asshole! I start to feel whole again. Discord frowns, confused at my change of demeanor. I push him away from me.
"My mind is an apathetic cesspool of pop culture and memes..." I slowly say, riling myself up, "My subconscious likes to torture me the way a cat does a mouse, with its psychotic urges and twisted, random, dark thoughts. I like myself as much as I like everyone else, which is none. I silently revel in the miseries and hardships of others, even my-"
"Who doesn't?" he interjects. I stare at him angrily. He rolls his eyes saying, "Go on."
I sigh, the steam taken out of my little speech. Shaking my head I continue, "For all my faults, the one thing I know I excel in is... fucking plans up!" My scream is accompanied by an angelic horn blowing victoriously as everything flashes a bright white. We are in Ponyville, except its not Ponyville. The pink swirling clouds are raining chocolate milk, pies are falling up, and a line of bison are doing the ballet. Discord looks around and smiles to himself, then looks at me. His grin widens as he walks past me... or through me in this case. I turn to see him walking up to a throne. He gingerly situates himself in the seat and begins to hum. He snaps his fingers and conjures a chocolate milk of glass.
He drinks the glass and says to himself with a laugh," Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing." He throws the chocolate milk behind him, it explodes.
Behind me I hear another voice shout out, "Not as wonderful as... friendship!" Discord does a spit take, which doesn't look so good when you just drank an entire glass whole. I turn to see the source of the voice, Twilight Sparkle. Except it wasn't Twilight Sparkle, only a pale imitation, a fake, a phony, an illusion, but it‘s good enough for Discord, who looks slightly shaken as he reexamines the chaos of this Ponyville.
Discord gives a sigh of relief as he looks down. He calmly says with his eyes closed, "That is one friendship lesson I learned the hard way..." He opens his eyes. "One that I will never go through again." He snaps his fingers. His throne glows brightly then shifts and warps around him. It is now an electric chair... one that he’s strapped into. He begins to sweat, he twists and turns as the bindings get tighter and tighter. He panics and starts snapping his fingers wildly.
Each snap changes Ponyville. The chocolate rain clouds turn a dark grey as they begin to thunder. The sky grows dark as it suddenly becomes night. The pies suddenly stop falling up and become grim ghastly spectators swirling around the trapped Discord. All the buildings surrounding discord folded in on themselves until it was nothing but an empty field. Soon even that field was gone leaving just Discord, the whirlwind of lost souls, and the lackluster shades of the mane six.
He begins gibbering." No no no no no no no no no! Not again! Please! Anything but this!" He tugs at his restraints some more, although in vain.
"Alright, ladies, let's show him what friendship can do!" Fakelight Sparkle said. Her voice sounded like she was talking underwater. Her eyes start glowing bright red as she and all the other shades floated gingerly into the air. The ''Elements of Harmony" hanging around their necks flashed dully. I slurp a coke that I suddenly had in my hand. A lackluster prismatic wave hits discord, his screams are silenced.
Everything vanishes... the clouds, the ghosts, the throne and the shades. All gone. Except for a statue of a terrified Discord. I frown. It must be a trick. Chains materialize around the stoned Discord, although they are purely aesthetic, they give me some comfort. I slowly walk up to the statue, each step makes that nugget of doubt in my gut heavier and heavier. I prod the freakish rock with my lance. What coke?
The statue rocks a bit, but does nothing else. "Show yourself Discord! I know you’re still there!" Nothing happens, my eye twitches and the lance snaps like a twig. I grind my teeth and whisper, "It's finally over." I wince as I quickly look behind me to find... nothing. It takes a few minutes to register. I turn to the statue with a look of bafflement. "Holy shit" I exclaim. I’ve got a god trapped in my head.
What do I do now? Shouldn't I wake up now? Didn't I win!? Damn it, was Discord my only ticket out my head!? I don't need some overconfident jackass of a warped deity to get me out of here! I am already out of my mind... in a sense, but I am sure that there isn't much difference between the two here. In fact, I bet if I totally snapped here, I would go full circle and wake up sane!
Besides, what other choice do I have? I stroke my chin in thought as I consider what to try first. I remember hearing from somewhere online that physical trauma may cause psychological damage. I suddenly have a morningstar in my hand. I gaze at it with distaste. Much to violent, much to drawn out, and so cliche. It turns into dust in my hands. Suddenly I am surrounded by speakers, and I was now holding a box with a button labeled: Bass-Dropper 9000 I shake my head and push the button.
I wake up, my head pounding, standing in some kind of gunk. All the speakers are on fire and squealing. I look at the gunk again, it smells like blood. I guess physical harm does squat if it’s an instant death. This won't work out then, I’m too much of a pansy to deal with pain. Okay , My next option is going through extreme psychological trauma... or some serious mind jarring stuff that makes me doubt what is real and what is fantasy. A plane with the face of Stephen Colbert on the front of it flies around my head. It shouts out, “America!”
I’m sure this is going to be easy.
I am on a ziggurat, a man is strapped down before me. In my hand is a curved dagger. It is glaringly obvious what I need to do. I inspect the doomed man. His face is covered by a black veil. I shouldn't end his life without seeing his face, it isn't polite after all. I yank off the veil and gasp. It's me! At first I grin at me... then I frown. Traumatic experiences aren't supposed to be enjoyable! I walk off the ziggurat and throw the knife behind me. It lands with a sickening splotch. I laugh.
Alright, so traumatic experiences won't work here I guess. That only leaves me with one last option. Evoking the old ones! I start chanting. "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" Soon a rift opens up. A foul rift that ebbs at the corners of the dreamscape and threatens to swallow it whole. Something is prodding its way out of the rift, like pus out of an infected gash. I start scream. I use the stapler that was in my hand for some reason and start stapling. I staple like a man possessed. The rift is once again closed, more or less. I stop screaming. I rub my face in frustration. It would be so much simpler to just make a deal with the devil to get out of here...
I blink. I look at the statue of discord, which is now upright. In front of it is a mahogany desk, with an intercom and a sheet of expensive looking paper on top of it. I walk steadily to the desk, and with a shaky outstretched hand, I press the intercom button. I gulp and pause, my mind draws a blank. I break the silence and blurt out, "Discord?"
I hear a hollow, strained laughter emit from the speaker. "Well played Ashton," he says with eerie calmness. "Now why don't you just let me out and we can just forget all about this incident and play a nice quiet game of-"
"You can't get out can you", I interrupt as I smile.
"Pfft." He snorts in derision. "I can break this seal!"
"You can't break that seal." I say knowingly.
I hear him growl angrily as he shouts, "Just watch me!" I feel pressure at the back of my head as Discord’s statue starts to shake. I see a crack appear in it. Fuck that shit! I throw all my will and anger at the force building up in my head. I hear struggling coming from the speaker. Discord sighs and the pressure dissipates. "Fine, so I can't break-" Squeak! My eyes widen in surprise at the sound. A wheeze comes from the speaker. I realize that I’m still putting force on that spot. I stop and Discord gasps for breath. My smile grows even larger. I put pressure on the spot again. Squeak! I let go again, he gasps. Wax on...Squeak! Wax off. Discord says "Alright, you've had your-" Squeak!
Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!
I start laughing maniacally until I hear Discord shout out between the squeaking, "Enough! I may not- Squeak! - be able to- Squeak! Stop that!"
"Not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot huh?" I say with a snark, grabbing a cigar and lighting it. It tastes like copper. I suppose I better stop squeezing Discord like a chew toy... I'm starting to get dizzy. I release the force I am putting on the strange spot.
Discord wearily says, "As I was saying... although I may not be able to break this seal." His becomes cold and harsh... frost was actually forming on the intercom. "I know exactly how to break you!"
The threat threw me off but I managed to hide my discomfort behind a sneer, "I thought you were a bigger ma... drag... Thing then to resort to intimidation Discord, I totally see through that bluff."
My skin starts to tingle and I feel nothing but apprehension as Discord starts laughing. "Who says I’m bluffing?" The tingling worsens into a full blown electrifying sensation. He starts singing. Then all hell breaks loose. Cracks start to form around us. From the cracks bubble out the vile tendrils of what Discord calls madness. As the tumor-like writhing mass begins to spread out my vision blurs. The cracks look like they are widening, or was it that chunks of the dreamscape were shrinking down into nothingness?
I slam the intercom button and scream out, "Stop it! Won't this doom us both?" The madness suddenly stops growing around us. I release the button, Discord is still singing his maddening ditty. The insanity resumed its spreading. I press the button and tape it down, now savvy to Discord’s trick. Dials and switches suddenly rise up from the desk. Most of them were just decorative, except a dial hastily marked Tone. It was set to max. I turn the knob off and rip the tape off of the button. A muted buzzing tone comes from the speaker. The twitching black slime retreats into the cracks, which soon disappear entirely. The buzzing shortly becomes a monotone wheeze.
Discord is quiet for a few minutes before he starts laughing again, or at least, I think it was laughter... it came in short bursts of static like a cup of coke fizzling out an amp. "You’re just as stuck as me Ashton! Without me you can't get out, so why don't we just put all this behind us and-"
I jam the button, cutting him off. "You want out of there much more then I want out of here Discord and I’m just spiteful enough to let you stew in there for a couple dream centuries. Just hear me out and-" A Mechanical arm pops out of a secret hole on the desk and slaps my hand away from the intercom. It then turned the Tone dial back up.
"Ah, much better." Discord says as I try to fight off the malicious machine currently trying to poke my eyes out with my kung-fu skills. "You don't have the willpower to wait an hour, much less a dozen centuries. I will be in here 30 minutes, at the most" I taze the arm with a cattle prod. "Ack!" Discord screeches.
I look on as all the dials, buttons, and switches rearrange themselves. "I’m sure I can distract myself", I say as the buttons began labeling themselves. A plaque appear just below the rows and rows of buttons before me. It says:
!Super Happy Fun Time Button Winner Game!
From Asphyxiation to Xenos chest buster, we've gotcha covered
My smile widens even more as my fingers stroll among the field of buttons, hunting for just the right one. Hmmm... Burn him or Eat him... Why can't it be both? His squeals of agony are a delight to my ears. What next? Zap him? Drowning? Blow out his ears with classical music? Oh the choices are too much! My maniacal laughter fills the void of whiteness we are surrounded by. Hell, why don't I just... press them all at the same time!? Twenty hands spring out from my robe. Press all the buttons!
The speaker just whines, squeals and fizzles out. The mechanical hand jerks about. Blood seeps out and I hear nothing but gurgling from Discord. Ooops, I think I broke him. My many hands disappear in a puff of logic. Said logic dies screaming. I press the intercom button again," Discord? You okay little baby?"
"Just fine" The speaker sputters out a gout of blood. I smile as I summon the almighty keyboard cat. The adorable pianist tap dances on the buttons to the tune of dragon force. I dance to Discord’s anguish. After a few minutes of cold torture I stop the cat with a ball of explosive yarn. "Okay! Okay! What do I have to do to get out of here!?" he cries out between wheezes.
Finally! I roll my eyes and press down the intercom buttons as all the other ones sink back into the desk. "I want to make a deal."
"Fine! Whatever you want! Just let me out of here!" He pleads.
I blink. What the hell am I supposed to say now? I give a small whistle as I press the button and say, "Hmmm... how will I know that you will hold your end of the bargain?"
"I am nothing if not a thing of my word," he says in a mocking tone. A few of the torture buttons reappear on the desk again. I eye them with restrained lust.
Well he hasn't really lied to me once yet... actually, I have never seen him lie. I sigh and release the button saying, "Alright, first things first, get out, and stay out of my fucking head. You know what? I don't want you to even think about directly fucking with my mind, okay?"
"Fiiiiine" he moans. Suddenly the piece of paper flashes. It now reads: Ye olde & complexe contract of the damnede. I frown, much to old english-y for me. The page starts to fill up with complex and loophole ridden legalese.
"Discord, I am going to be in charge of this contract, you aren't going to worm your way out of this deal using your fancy talk."
"Sacre' bleu!" he yelps as the words rearrange themselves into harsh, barely legible writing that reads, ”I am too much of a pussy whipped bitch-boy to deal with Discord directly screwing with my brain hole. Damn subconscious.
"Next up I uhhh... shit." I have no Idea what to say... my mind must be wearing down due to all this zany shit going on. Wait... that gives me an idea! "I want to win any game of my choosing against you."
The speaker growls with static, "Fine! How about battleship?"
"No, I’m talking about the serious games you are going to start having when we get out of here"
"But no one is supposed to win those games!"
"Exactly, and the losers usually end up screwed by the end of it."
"That's what makes it fun!"
"I don't care, I either win a game against you in the future, or I let keyboard cat play a rendition of Faeries Aire and Death Waltz on the pain-keyboard here." I say menacingly.
"I knew it! Only a cat could be so cruel! Just like my mother in laws... she was over 75% cat you know." He starts to ramble on about his family. Boring! I yawn as I press the taser button. He screams. "Fine! You can win the game of your choosing," he yelps. The contract flashes again.
There is an additional paragraph that says: I am so much of a pansy loser that I require a contract to win any game of my choosing I play against Discord.
Damn, well, there goes my self esteem. I double tap the taser button, Discord screams. And now it's back. Now... what else can I wring out of this deal? I think long and hard over this monumental decision. I come to the obvious conclusion. "I want the fudge."
Discord is silent for a minute. "What."
"You heard me. I want the fudge I smelled when I found you."
Discord pauses again. He gives a restrained giggle and says, "Suuuure, you shall get your delicious fudge, and all that it entails." He laughs as the paper flashes yet again.
The new addendum says: I am a complete idiot who is going to have this contract backfire horribly on me, oh, and I like fudge. I shrug, since I kinda expected that this
I can't think of anything else I want. "Alright, do you abide by the wishes of this contract?"
"The Discord abides." The mechanical arm reaches under the desk and grabs a pair of sunglasses, which it proceeds to fling at Discord’s terrified statue. It somehow manages to land perfectly on his face, perched on his nose. "Now for my side of the arrangement?" The paper flashes again.
The next sentence is just squiggles squirming around. It kinda hurts my eyes looking at it. "What the hell is this shit discord? I said that I was going to write this contract!" The markings readjust themselves into my illegible chicken scratch. It reads: Boo hoo! The widdle spirit of disharmony wants out of his stony cell!
"Alright, so how are we supposed to do this?" I ask.
"Just lay down and relax my little friend," he says with a bit too much vehemence for my taste. I bite my lower lip and smile as I push the button labeled: Violate. He gives a low moan and suddenly screams, "That doesn't go in there!" I giggle and get on the fainting couch that appears behind me. I think of frolicking through a field of kittens and puppies.
"Okay what’s next?"
"This!" He grunts and the pressure on the spot reappears in full force. Meh, what’s the worst that could happen? Discord tumbles out of my head with a loud pop. Pretty ponies hahahaha! Babbages! Corn flakes! French vanilla pudding!
As my brain juices leak and I am rendered a vegetable in my own head, my left eye stares at discord, who is currently panting. My right eye admires a piece of lint on the couch. Discord stares at me with disdain. He growls and mutters, "Running out of juice... can't stay here much longer." He takes a quick glance at me and sneers. "Looks like I won't need to hold up on my end of the deal for a while. I doubt you’ll ever remember this as a dream, if at all." He looks at me and frowns. "I wonder if there are other people like you on earth..." He starts laughing. "If there are, then I’m gonna be out of a job!"
He looks at his wrist and yelps. "Oh look at the time! Well, we best be going." He fades into nothingness. I am left alone for a few moments when I suddenly feel something squirm in the back of my now exposed brain. I hear Discord mumbling behind me, "Of course... I can't leave without really looking in that delightful head of yours! Don't worry, I won't screw with it... directly anyway." I feel something slither out of my mind. I am flung airborne along with the couch. Discord yelps.
I am upside down against the upturned couch, my drool is pooling at the back of my throat. I see a tall dark figure in a ripped tuxedo. The patches where skin would have shown are glowing pools black light. Where there should have been a head is a tiki mask surrounded by a haze of shadows. In place of eyes he has only bright shards of red. "Hello puff puff, ready for round two?"
Discord facepalms, rolling his eyes groaning as his lion paw slips down his face. He stares at the stranger. "For once, I really don't have time for these shenanigans." Discord raises his nose snobbishly and snaps his finger. Nothing happens and he opens his eyes. He grinds his teeth and his face becomes a caricature of rage. Steam blows out his ears as he visibly calms down. "Pfft, it's not like you can do anything to me." He doesn't seem to notice that the tiki man is glowing. Pretty colors
"Oh Dickhead, guess what?" Tiki man says in an intentional lisp, his tiki mask taking the guise of a lolcat.
"What?!" he yells, exasperated. He finally looks at the tiki face. His ears fold, and his mouth opens wide in shock.
"I'mma firin mah lazer!" The shadowy tiki man screeches. A rainbow beam spurts out and heads straight for Discord, who looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Discord manages to snap out of it and dive out of the way... for the most part.
"Hah! you have to try a little harder then that to get good ol' Discord!" He laughs, and turns to see the mysterious specter. Then he notices that his tail has been turned to stone and that the rest of him was also slowly turning into stone. His eye twitches, and then he screams.
"Oh Ashton was waaaay to chillaxed with his torturing... I'm thinking of starting out with violating you with a smoldering electric cattle prod and working my way up to-" The tiki man (lets call him Crazy Voice) begins laughing a harsh, cruel, maniacal laugh that stabbed into my eardrums like daggers of malicious mirth.
Discord stares at Crazy Voice for a moment. He then smiles and says "Well, it's been a smashing good time," He pulls a hammer from behind his back and gives a crazed smile. "But I am afraid I must be going!" He shatters his stoned tail. Crazy Voice roars with anger and releases another rainbow blast, but it's too late, Discord has vanished, leaving only a few words behind. "Not direct at all..."
Crazy voice grumbles. "Fucking pansy!" It turns to look at me with those evil glinting red shards of hate. I feel him/her/it spit on my face. "What the hell are you looking at punk? Get the hell out of here." I see a fancy steel spiked boot head right for me. Who turned out the lights?
"AHHHH!!!" I scream out. I open my eyes. "AHHH! My eyes!" Damn, the sun sure is bright today! I rub the sleep out of my eyes. What the hell happened last night and why does my head feel like date-rape? Not that I would know how that feels, but I heard somewhere that it’s pretty bad. I sigh as I put a pillow over my head and try to get back to sleep. I feel something squirm under the covers. "Discord, I swear to god if that's you I will poison your bacon the next time I fix it. I swear to God!"
"I wan pway! I wan pway!" I hear a small voice come from under the covers. Sweet jesus! I scramble out from the covers and hightail it to the back of the bed. From the covers crawl out what appears to be a ball of pure blue fluff, with two wide eyes right in the middle of it.. My eyes widen in disbelief. It’s a fluffy pony! Hnnnng! I faint.
I hope I have sufficiently fondled your brain holes for today. see yah next chapter!
Stats
Page generated in 0.033 seconds
Total duration
998 users online
67,454 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Once again, you have rendered my mind into a state of chaos.
I have no idea what I just read, but hell it was fun to read! Why can't i have epic dream battles like this!
some misspells here and and there but nothing else. can't wait to see how else discord fucks up ashton's life.
right
Im suing you for excessive brain fondling.
Oh, now look what you've done! You've taken my perfectly good brain and reduced it to a smoldering puddle of discord. And you have NO idea how much of a headache that can cause!
Keep up the swag.
My brain is so full of fuck right now, and I'm liking it.
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3019-dafuq.jpg
I... Iiiieeeeeeiiieeeiii my head hurts.
My brain is now full of fuck, as the saying goes. Keep up the randomness! It makes me smile despite all the fuck occupying my brain!
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/5/13/14n8s50XN0a4txvdJ6PHFQ2.jpg
Isn't insanity great?!?
What a mind screw. Natural for Discord. Never watched Inception. Tion Cep In!
This would be a troll fic by any other stories standards, but here its just fantastic!
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4738-Applejack_somuchwin.gif
Giving new meaning to the term "mindfuck"
That was wierd... now I wonder about this cute fluffy pony.
I found this completely normal
I wan' pway wif cwazy voice!
And that's how ponyfall was made.
I don't even know, what did i read? Though i think i liked it, didnt I?
!erom rof tiaw t'naC
...gnitsertin saw taht ,lleW
Cool chapter
CLICK THIS
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/009/832/dafuq-did-i-just-read-meme.jpg
I have no fucking clue what I jusr readt but I liked it.
I can't imagine what was going through your head while writing this...
I was fine and understood everything... That is, until the last part with the last part with the pony.
Dang, Discord is SCARY. In the show he seems harmless enough, but when you look at it like this, he's
ing terrifying. Brilliant story, tovarishch. I tip my invisible hat to thee.
-Mercury Rising
Owwwwww my poor brain. Of course, the pain in my brain cannot maintain its vain attempts to complain when my sides are aflame with the painful aches of laughing myself insane!!
Seriously though, I think this story is starting to affect me...
Dude! Awesome chapter! I nearly pissed myself laughing when Discord was imprisoned in the second stage of mind and the control panel at the desk appeared.
Just priceless!
Now to the Panel and the piano cat.
Man. I searched on Youtube and found like four different versions of this!!!
Next one from 3:50
And of course the piano cat.
Not to forget: "I'mma firin mah lazer!"
And a little fun add.
It was one of the funniest chapters I ever read in my whole fucking life!
Good Job!
Dragon
2319730
Not even the ponified version.
I am disappoint.