PonyFall:Adventures in Chaos

by Draequine

Impulses (DANGER ZONE!)

Impulses
Chapter: Jeez-I-ought-to-start-labeling-this-accurately-again-shouldn’t-I?

Alright, so I wasn’t always this odd in the head. As a young kid, I was actually normal. Kinda normal. Okay, so not that normal. I was considered a “Problem Child”. My early childhood was spent setting stuff on fire, accidentally mutilating my pets (Honest, how was I supposed to know Mickey Mouse was a liar?), peeing on anything I felt needed to be peed on.
This wonderous life style continued up until middle school, when I found out about the true wonders of the internet. My shenanigans promptly stopped, much to the relief of my parents, who would have much rather had a shut-in than a felon.

Did lolcats somehow cure me of my anti-social impulses? Nah. If anything, it made it worse. What it did do, however, was make me too lazy to act on these constant urges.

That’s not to say that the odd (ruinous) stunt doesn’t happen now and again.

~Open your eyes, boy.~

No.

~You need to breathe eventually.~

Don’t you dare quote Invader Zim!

~He is walking closer, boy.~

I can hear him quite clearly, and... and... why am I even acknowledging you? Just because you aren’t really a part of me doesn’t mean I have to not ignore you. Hah, that’s actually a load off my mind.

~I’m still here, boy.~

Now let’s see. You know what, I bet he thinks that Doug is me!

“Still making assumptions then, are we, Ashton?” I open my eyes to see Discord looming over us. Mostly looming over me, actually. From this angle everyone but Angel is taller than me.
Origami samurai armor held together by Hello Kitty stickers? He just wears weird shit for the hell of it, doesn’t he?

…

~That has to be the most obvious thought you’ve had in hours.~

“Well, I suppose I never was the best teacher,” he murmurs to himself.

I wonder what he would teach. Wait, he’s looking at me. Uh oh... shit... do something!

“Bark!”

…

“Er, I mean...”

I could probably murder them all... then no one will ever know.

Hahahahaha! As if I would do that. Please! Just gotta keep character!

They do look tasty...

Nah, just keep in character.

Okay, so I barked... I really barked. This is kind of humiliating.

They aren’t taking the bait...

Lie harder!

It’s easy, dingos are like dogs, so all I need to do is act like a dog! Just need to fling myself on the ground and roll. Oh god, the rocks! AHHHH!

Are they buyin- no... no, they aren’t.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TAIL! STUPID DINGO TAIL, I WILL UTTERLY DESTRO-

“Fluffy, ponies.”

~Enf enf, boy.~

OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE IT’S HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN. Jesus, Discord must really be a twisted version of Morgan Freeman. That makes so much sense.

“I thought we agreed not to speak of that.” Or maybe we didn’t... I don’t really remember much after they started piling up on me.

Eaagghh, okay shake it off, it’s just a memory... as far as I know, those furry bastards are dead.

Or at least 5 million miles away from me. Spreading across the country-side like a retarded plague of hairy testicals. This isn’t a pleasant line of thought, I should stop. Fluffy ponies. STOP!

“Nice armor, mate.” Who said that? Oh, the Australian. Figures he wouldn’t be scared like John was. This might just turn out alright. Then again, it’s probably going to end badly. “Did you make that yourself?”

Small talk with the Spirit of Chaos? Meh, it’ll probably have the same effect as saying anything else to Discord.

“Eh, it came with the car,” he says casually with a shrug. “And you are...?”

Doug turns to me to draw upon my fountain of wisdom. Hah, you’re on your own! Okay, I need to stop forgetting that I’m a dingo, and that dingos can’t quite shrug derisively.

“Well, my name is Doug.” Oh, so he didn’t want my famous taco recipe? Well, it’s not like him knowing Doug’s name will actually result in anything. This isn’t a Jim Butcher novel.

“Earth has some wonderfully peculiar names, does it not?” he comments to himself with that smile.

~Why are you emphasising that detail? It’s just a smile.~

Because I can. Actually... I think I’m forgetting something. Yeah, something about a name or two that shouldn’t be said right now?

really want to get a closer look at that humongous car-thing that the other human just arrived in! Doesn’t it just look amazing?”

“Um, no thank you,” I hear Fluttershy refuse assertively, or about as assertively as she usually can.

No shit Fluttershy’s cautious, look at that fucking thing! It’s plaid! PLAID! Wait, it’s not just plaid, actually. Even the most complex plaid pattern isn’t that intrinsic. My best bet is that it was made with euclid geometry.

~Rambling is definitely the best thing to do now, boy.~

“It did just kill all those trees, you know...” Fluttershy trailed off.

Oh my god, look at all those broken trees! How am I just noticing that?!

“Flutter...” Oh crap, Discord is registering what Pinkie Pie said. Gotta think fast!

~He’s almost as slow as you are.~

It is kinda strange how he isn’t that witty, isn’t it? I mean, in the show he was all cryptic and sly, but here he acts like a clo-

“Did she just call that girl Flu-”

Haughlrgble! “Yes!” Alright, get between Discord and Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. I can’t believe Doug found both of them, the lucky bastard. Oh wait, gotta pull some bullshit with Discord and hope it works.

~It won’t.~

“Yes indeed, Disco.” Gah, what a stupid nickname. I’m probably going to be turned into a poodle after this.

“She totally just said Fluttery Shies.” Totally? What am I, a bimbo dingo?

“Yes, the Fluttery Shies.”

Wow, what a tacky name, this isn’t going to work. Nope nope nope.

“She’s a celebrity here on Earth, you know,” I continue, not technically lying.

What kind of career would Fluttery Shies have?

Porn, definitely porn. It’s fucking Fluttershy, think of something else!

“Irish folk singer extraordinaire!”

~SHE DOESN’T EVEN SOUND IRISH!~

Whoops! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing, I can’t look. I look behind me to Doug and the girls. Doug nods his head. Wait, did I actually distract Discord from finding out about Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie?

You know... A porno starring Fluttershy and Pinkie- OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!

Well, it looks like Discord has been distracted! I am a freaking genius! Hahah- That is not the look of a man who has been hoodwinked. That is the look of a man who has just been insulted. Gosh damn it.

“What are you talking about?” Pinkie Pie pipes up. “That’s not her name, silly. It’s Fl-mmph!” Someone behind me has actually managed to gag Pinkie Pie. Now that’s an accomplishment

Why are we even bothering anymore? We’re doomed... DOOOMED!

“Who told you that name?” Discord roars.

Oh crap, he’s mad about the nickname. Actually, I would be pretty pissed if anyone found out my stupid nickname.

Wait... what is he taking out of his nose? Isn’t that a whistl- Not a whistle! NOT A WHISTLE! Oh thank god he st- Argghh!! This is even worse! Why is he dancing? Why why why! MY EARS ARE BEING VIOLATED BY LUCIFER'S RAZER DILDOS! Someone end my misery.

~Jump off the cliff again!~

“Well, yes,” came a voice that sounded like a choir of angels descending upon my wounded ear lobes. “This was a great show of, uh, randomness.” Ah yes, help me out here Doug, you brilliant bastard, I knew you wouldn’t let me down! “Quite impressive, mate. I should probably get going though. I have, uh, business to attend to.”

He’s ditching me like John did... I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN DOUG! SUFFER! SUFFFEEEEER! DON’T YOU INCH AWAY FROM ME WHILE I GLARE AT YOU!

~You aren’t saying that you know.~

Well, he is Australian, do I look like an idiot to you?

~Yes.~

Bah, anyhow, Doug isn’t ditching me here. Hmmm... ahah!

“Well... you know, it’s almost time for lunch...” I remark with a sneer. I am such an asshole.

Doug blanches as Discord finally surveys his surroundings.

“A picnic? Oh, how delightful! Thank goodness I came prepared!”

I sit up and laugh at Doug’s failure. “Ha! Thought you could leave me like John did, huh? Fat chance!”

He’s glaring at me and grinding his teeth now. Now that I think about it, this may have been a poor decision.

“So, mister uh...Oh, sorry. I didn’t catch your name.” Pretty half-assed attempt at pretending that you don’t actually know his name, but I suppose I couldn’t do much better. “Anyway, what stupidity did Ashton get up to in order to deserve this?”

Discord pivots around on his heels to face Doug. “He did what you are trying to do, Dougie my boy!” he drawls, his accent taking up an English sounding air. “He had the gall to assume that he could predict chaos!” Oh, I bet that would be one of Discord’s little buttons.

-Ding!-

Where the blazes did that noise come from?

“That’s the pie!”

Oh, the car. Of course it would have an oven, wouldn’t it? No, it wouldn’t just be an oven, probably something weird like a hibachi grill in the dashboard. Wait, now that I think about it, that would be pretty rad, in a suicidal kind of way. Some rich pretentious douche would probably have one installed so that- Gah! I do ramble don’t I? Must. Control. The situation!

~Must. Find. A way out of your mind!~

Disregarding that remark on my mildly inconsistent thought railway express, I turn to see Doug. I bet he’s fit to just grab Flutters and Pinkie and just bolt. Would that be so bad? I mean, the last time that happened I was only drunk by a can of soda, saw a giant fly turn into a winged monkey, and turned into a dingo. Yeah, no.

“Running didn’t help John,” I politely inform him.

“My apologies,” Doug says starting his vain attempt to save face, not that this kind of faux pas really matters with Discord, except when it doe-

*Bu-dump*

Why is everything getting so slow?

*Bu-dump*

Why isn’t anything moving?

*Bu-dump*

Why am I not moving?

*Bu-dump*

Oh Crazy Voice... old buddy, old pal, old friend of friends... What, pray tell, did you do to me?

*Bu-dump*

~As much as I would like to take credit for this, I have to say that I can’t really do anything except stew in my hatred for you, much less cause time to stop. No, this is probably an aneurism, hopefully~

*Bu-dump*

Maybe this situation has become so awkward that the laws of time itself have decided to just sit this twisted quagmire of social etiquette out for once.

*Bu-dump*

~Or you could go with the obvious choice, I.E. Discord, A.K.A The Spirit of Chaos.~

*Bu-dump*

Well, that would have been my first choice, if he wasn’t as frozen as the rest of us.

*Bu-dump*

~He is?~

*Bu-dump*

My eyes are locked on him, I couldn’t look away from him even I wanted to, which I don’t. And if I am seeing him, then you must be seeing him as well if you are connected to me like this.

*Bu-dump*

~I don’t see what you see, boy, I see what you think.~

*Bu-dump*

Wouldn’t that just be the same thing?

*Bu-dump*

~It would be if someone wasn’t an ADHD poster child who can’t focus longer than 6 sec-

*Bu-dump*

And for christ’s sake, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT NOISE!?

*Bu-dump*

~See what I mean? Anyway, it’s a heartbeat, I thought that even you would know that~

*Bu-dump*

Now it’s my turn to be a smart ass, time has stopped, nothing is moving, not even my heart.

*Bu-dump*

~Ah, so it is, now tell me, how do you feel, being unable to breath and scratch your nose?~

*Bu-dump*

Wow, and you came from my head? Gah, my subconscious is such an asshole if it spawned the likes of you. Well, your little mind trick won’t work on me!

…

Okay, yeah, it totally is. Oh my god, I think I’m going to have a panic attack! Gotta move, gotta move, gotta move!

*Bu-dump Crunch*

Oooh, new noise! New noise! Oh, and there’s someone moving! I’ve totally forgotten that I have no feeling in my toes. Paws. Oh my god, I’m a time-stopped talking dingo! This has the makings of the wackiest sitcom ever, just need a beatboxing paper mache clown and a new apartment in detroit and I’d be set!

*Crunch*

~Alright, you insufferable clown mutt, backtrack a bit in that caffeine addled mind of yours. Who is moving? Who!~

*Crunch*

Don’t take that tone of thought with me mister! What is the magic word?

*Crunch*

~Fluffy Ponies, Dream Sequence, Slurping Coke.~

*Crunch*

Close enough.

He had suddenly appeared, accompanied by the scent of spearmint and lemons, which is weird, since I shouldn’t have been smelling anything. He was wearing a robe. No, not a bathrobe, an honest-to-god monk robe, with a hood and everything. It would probably have been super ominous, if the robe hadn’t been decked out in a tacky Hawaiian tourist pattern. He was around 7 feet of eyesore. Switching to present tense...

Now, I can’t see his face, although it’s as sunny as can be today. The Discord I’m staring at is starting to look a little fake now. As if at any moment he is going to fall, and turn out to be a cardboard cutout. I can make out a gleam from where I suppose this familiar stranger’s eyes would be. My best guess is that he is wearing sunglasses. My worst guess is that he has laser eyes.

He’s holding a camera. One of those old fancy ones with a light bulb. I can clearly see two letters embedded to the left of the lense. “F.A.”... Initials no doubt, but who has those initials? Why am I pointlessly speculating this stranger’s name? Why am I still thinking like this. When will I move again?

Blarrrghhh! There! Happy for that exposition?

*Crunch*

Wait a second... That isn’t the sound of footsteps. Is he eating something? Eating something while time is stopped?

~Moving around while the laws of time are taking a coffee break is one thing, but eating as well? Lordy lordy!~

Shut it! Oh wait, you can’t because you don’t have anything real to shut, mister-I-don’t-have-a-body-so-I’m-going-to-screw-with-you-until-you-finally-snap-and-stab-someone-in-the-face.

~It wouldn’t be that hard to do, boy.~

*Crunch*

Okay, what in Jack’s name is he eating? Wait, who’s Jack?

“Some douche pretty boy, not that it matters,” comes a hollow yet mirthful voice, if that makes sense, ”I’m eating a pretzel, by the way.”

Oh, so he, or at least I’m presuming it’s a he, can read my-

“I can’t read your mind Ashton. I just know you this well.”

Creepy! How is he talking if his mouth is full of pretzel? In fact, his hands are too busy holding that camera to hold a pretzel, so he should be holding this pretzel in his mouth.

“Rest assured Ashton, there is a pretzel.”

*Crunch*

I’m guessing he has a trained ferret in his robes.

“There isn’t a ferret.”

Damn!

He gives a small chuckle, the kind that a kindly old surgeon would have. It’s completely at odds with his height.

“This part never gets old.”

Oh god, a snake is wrapping around me!

~It’s probably an arm.~

Ah, so it is. I hope.

“Smile for the camera!” I see a sharp white crescent appear where I would suppose his mouth would be. He flashes me.

*Crunch*

~Ew!~

With the camera! The camera!

~You still thought about it!~

I shook the red squiggles out of my eyes.

“I did not mean to offend. You must realize that most of the people I meet are very, uh... dull. It’s all-too-easy to get into the habit of predicting things.” Doug says to Discord’s back who- wait oh my god, where did that other guy go? OH MY GOD TIME HAS RESUMED.

~Wow, it’s kind of sad how slow you are, now keep narrating, I think it’s starting to get good!~

Fine!

So our chivalrous cohort, Doug, turns back to the de-ponified damsels and their taciturn tween, Angel. The terrified trio’s tongues tight in intrigue as this sensationally silly situation played out. The fantastically fair Fluttershy’s friend, Pinkie Pie, plays with her colorful curly locks, almost about to throw caution to the wind without warning-

~Please! PLEASE STOP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!~

Hahaha. Okay, so Doug looks back at the three of them, who are thankfully silent, although Pinkie Pie is fit to spazz out, and I hate you almost as much as you hate me.

~No, not even close.~

Discord waves his hand behind him saying,“That is an interesting topic of conversation, Doug. We shall discuss it over lunch.” He opens the hood of the freak of automotive and pulls out a rumbling picnic basket.

He rummages through the box, yanking wires out, punching the inside of it and shaking it until he grabs a knife and plunges it into its wicker heart.

~You’re just screwing with me now aren’t you? Now that you know that I can’t really see what’s going on?~

Maybe yes, maybe no.

~Out with it!~

I’m getting tired of your bossy attitude. Okay, so after waylaying the picnic basket into submission, Discord giddily skips around the impossible automobile two times. He stops beside the backdoor and yanks it open. He grabs a few items at a time and piles them on the unconscious food container.

~Wait is that a chainsaw?~

Didn’t you just think-say-or-whatever-the-hell-you’re-doing that you can’t see what I see?

~No, I... What am I doing to communicate with you? We really need to get this out of the way.~

Right! Let’s just say you are....theaking.

~That’s retarded... but you’re going to stick with it aren’t you?~ Crazy voice theaks, more than a little annoyed.

“Soup’s on!”

*VROUM!*

Oh crap, he’s using the chainsaw!

~Whoopie! I hope he kills you all!~

“Well?” Discord gestures toward the remains of the picnic basket he just viciously slaughtered.

That poor picnic basket! Discord! You animal! It’s all that I can do to not burst out into sobs.

~You are going to have a slice of basket, aren’t you?~

That kind of goes without saying. Taking a tentative bite, I would say that it tastes like... woodshavings. This is just a picnic basket. Wow, I would never have expected this. I... I just don’t know anymore.

~And you’re still eating it, you know.~

Meh, it has a nice texture to it.

~I hope you get splinters.~

Doug eyes his slice of basket with distrust, an edge piece, no less! God, he is such a lucky bastard! “Oh, how interesting. I brought some snacks as well. Do you mind?” He meeky points at his white car.

“Oh not at all, Doug!” Discord exclaims like a bridal shower hostess.“Hopefully what you’ve brought is more interesting than this common fare.”

I wonder if Australian food is poisonous.

~Drop the whole Australia is plotting to kill you charade. I know you are just faking it.~

Fine! You caught me. I know that it’s just a place near the real threat to modern society, New Zealand.

~No I mea- fuck it, I give up.~

Doug comes back with an assortment of goodies after what seems like hours.“Well, here we go. Hopefully it meets with your approval.” He somehow convinces the others to sit with him. Wow these Equestrians are quite trusting of him. Then again, I suppose they would be trusting of whoever found them. One could only imagine what would happen if some psycho found them instead.

~Such a shame that they didn’t find you I know, now get on with the describing~

Doug distributes the goods among us, giving me a glorious can of Coke. What a guy! I can already taste it- why the hell did Doug give me a Coke? I HAVE NO THUMBS! Is he toying with my emotions!? You know what? I don’t need no stinking thumbs!

~You go dawg!~

Oh my god I chipped a tooth!

“The green stuff is the healthy bit, isn’t it?” Discord comments as he fiddles with the veggies that were once a part of his sandwich. He looks into my eyes, staring deep in my very soul.

~I wonder if he can see me waving... Hi Discord!~

“Do you remember that pizza I gave you?” he says to me. ”Sawdust. Every last bit of it.”

What, is he quoting Zim now too? I feel a lump form in my throat. That’s funny, I don’t feel nervous. At least no more than usual. Actually, it’s kinda getting hard to breath now. I’m choking, yup, definitely choking

I heave. I hurk. I give a hard sputtering cough and disgorge something. Can’t really see anything through my tears.

~Oh my the suspense is killing me, do go on about your suffering!~ Crazy theaked gleefully ~And then you ruined it.~

Hot damn, its a wooden figurine of Chuck Norris! I lick my lips. Wait, correction, these aren’t technically lips are they? They are? Whatever, I lick my mouth to check for splinters to find a distinct taste of.

“Oooh Cinnamon!” I say in a slightly girlish tone. “I didn’t taste cinnamon when it was coming in,” I gush at Discord.

Doug stares into space, hard in thought. Probably thinking of a way out of this. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve got a feeling that we won’t be around much longer.

~I can feel it as well, also you have completely mangled those phrases by the way.~

Whatever. Now Doug isn’t that bad of a guy, I think I would like to stay in touch with him, at least until Discord takes me with him in his inevitable fiery defeat.

~Oh and how do you suppose you can get him away from Discord and the others long enough to give him your contact info?~

Oh thats easy, I am going to go with the most cliche excuse imaginable! “I have to use the bathroom.” I stare at Doug, silently urging him to join me. “Doug, care to join me?”

Okay, not silently. But I am sure he gets what I am getting at. “I don’t have to go,” he firmly refused. Oh this sheep licker!

I put on my nervous scared face. “But...But this is Australia! What if something attacks me? Doesn’t anyone else have to go?” Come with me yah git!

Instead of Doug, Angel volunteers. Dang nab it. Doug looks back and forth between the two of us. “One moment,” he grunts and walks back to his car. He comes back with a small knife. “Just in case some big, scary animal attacks our friend,” he says handing it to the creepy little albino child. He turns back to me “He will protect you.”

“Great,” I murmur, accidentally letting my sarcasm peek out like an angry little toad. “I mean, great!”

The two of us made a queer pair. Me, a guy turned dingo, him, a rabbit turned mute white boy. Together we made our way into the wild unknown never to be heard from again! “I never got any help when I needed to go,” Discord remarks behind us as we made our merry-ish way.

~How chilling! Weren’t you suppose to separate Doug from the others? Unless you actually need someone to hold your hand, no wait, paw while you use the little dingos room?~

I’m not peeing like a dog, nah I’ll think of something. Write him a note?

~No thumbs dummkopf.~

I can paw the words in the dirt? Get Angel to write them? I look to Angel, who is eyeing me with suspicion. I try to whistle a little tune. “So... how’s it going?”

He glares at me. I’m going to assume that he is chipper as always.

~You read people so well, you must be Oprah.~

“So I’m just wondering, are you just pretending you can’t talk so that when you do, it will just astound everyone?”

He stops and turns at me, his hand at his hip like some kind of midget black diva, grimacing at me as if to say, ”You did not just go there.”

“Well, there isn’t anything to keep you from talking, you know. Have you even tried yet?”

He crosses his arms as his left eyebrow rises like a furry little ghost on a cheezy movie set.

~It’s cheesy damn it! Not cheezy!~

“I’m talking, and I’m a dingo! You just can’t explain that.”

He turns around and picks up the pace to wherever we’re going. Wait, where are we going? Oh yeah, bathroom.

We come to a shaded park patio area when I finally get blasted by the inspiration fairy.

~I hope he punted you in the nuts.~

“That guy was Discord, by the way”

He almost trips on the concrete flooring. He turns and gives me a look that could curdle cream.

“Bet ya wish you knew how to talk now. Anyway’s I bet you’re wondering why I didn’t say- oomph!”

With a quick, powerful leap, there is suddenly a crazed albino boy pinning me to the ground and holding an extremely sharp fishing knife to my throat.

~Oh goody! You dun fucked up.~

Shut it. I use my kung-fu powers to make Angel’s head explode. Despite my eye clenching, his head remains unsploded. I’ve been threatened with knives before, no biggie. Wait... Isn’t this guy from a gosh damn cartoon for children? I’m calling bullshit! SHOW NO FEAR. He is just bluffing.

In a quivering voice I exclaim,“Damn it Angel! There is a reason I didn’t tell any of you.”

Instead of removing the knife from me, he only stares harder.

“Ack! Fine, well heres the reason; that guy, WAS DISCORD! Spirit of chaos! Lord of Fudge! It would take ALL the Elements of Harmony to beat him! Laughter and kindness just wouldn’t cut it. Not even with a particularly psychotic bunny-child with a knife would help.”

He stares at me with those black circular coals. He just stares and stares and stares.

~Pleeeeease stab him Angel. Pleaaase!~

He lets me up.

~Damn!~

We stare at each other for a while. Me a bit wary, him a bit bloodthirsty and crazed. He looks back at the campsite. Then back at me.

“We’ll go back soon, I just need to leave Doug a message.” I think that was what he meant, right? Or does he want to just stab Discord anyway?

He busts into a jog that I can barely keep up with. Still not used to being a dingo! We eventually reach a meager square building. We stop just a dozen feet away from the building. Now, how am I going to write Doug a note?

---

Just as the crazed dog-thing catches on and begins to follow me, all of my muscles tense up. As if being in this body weren’t insulting enough. I had thought I had learned to control it, but now I can’t move at all. Has Discord discovered what the dog-thing and I were talking about?

I don’t have much time to think about it before a strange noise fills my small, pitifully inept ears. Even with my reduced ability to hear, I can still tell the obvious sound of a heartbeat is drawing near. It reminds me of the many times Fluttershy has picked me up and held me close, usually just after she has been frightened by something.

Accompanying the heartbeat is the soft sound of someone who obviously does not know how to eat soup without spilling it everywhere. Soon enough, a very tall human clothed in a bright, many-colored... robe... emerges from behind me. Great, I was right. Discord has come to deal with us personally. Whatever happens to me, he had better not have hurt Fluttershy in any way...

As he continues to shamble past, I notice that his face is shrouded in darkness. That doesn’t seem right. Discord loves to be in the spotlight, he would never obscure his face so completely. Whoever this is, it’s not the Spirit of Chaos. Additionally, the figure isn’t actually doing anything other than walking towards the bathroom. In his hands is a small parcel wrapped in a pink bow, similar to those that the filly Apple Bloom wears. He disappears into the bathroom for a few moments, then emerges again empty-handed.

I would glance towards the dog-thing if I could, but even my eyes are frozen. Unable to blink or to look away, I see the robed figure slowly move towards me and bends down until his shrouded face is inches from my own. A finger is brought up to where its lips might be as the figure mimics the motion that Doug had made just minutes earlier. It seemed to have the same meaning both here and in Equestria: be quiet.

Moments later, the figure disappears from sight. He probably knew teleportation magic much like Twilight Sparkle. I immediately felt my muscles relax and was able to move once more.

---

Angel spastically jerks about. What’s his problem? I shake my head and say,” Oi so I need you to write something.”

He looks at me like I am an idiot.

“Well do you want to tell him my message?”

He glares at me yet again. Gah, what is his problem?

“Fine just give me the knife and stuff.”

He plops it on the ground and takes a few steps back. I shall rise above this injustice!

~GRAB IT YOU BITCH! You see, it’s funny because I am calling you a girl.~

I gingerly pick it up with my mouth, carefully maneuvering it into prime writing position.

Hey D, jst N cAsE U r aliv go 2 fimfic . net find me and pm me. U nvr know. ~DRAEQUINE

Wow! I really outdid myself!

~That is an atrocity in the face of calligraphy.~

Angel stares at me, as if to say, ”Are you quite done?”

Yes. Yes I am. Actually, its amazing how much meaning you can convey with two beady black SOULLESS eyes.

“I wonder how they are holding out without us?”

---

“So what are you famous for, ‘Patty’?” Discord hisses. Oh, apparently not well. Then again I was expecting Penguinized Doug.

“Whoo yeah, that sure was a really great pee,” I exclaim, breaking the tension.

Discord leaps up, a sour expression on his face. He knows something is up and he is angry. The angriest I’ve seen him. No biggie. “Uh huh. So what are your real names?” He crosses his arms. I am legitimately terrified of him for the first time.

~Aren’t you always terrified?~

Shut it. Everyone stands up, even a little ant on picnic blanket gets up on its hind legs. I think I am going to call this ant Ted. I squashed Ted. Doug tenses up, the little knife Angel had now in his hands, about to make the worst, and most likely, last mistake of his life. GO FOR BROKE! YOLO!

“They’re trying to get you to move in with them!” Stupid stupid stupid stupid. “Yeah, this kid here says they have an extra room, D-dog,”

~Oh my god I hope someone is coming up behind you to strangle you.~

Discord stares at me for a second. A bead of sweat drips down his forehead, his eye jerking back and forth. “Euuughhhh,” he gives a disgusted moan. “Ugh. Uh... er...Our, uh... people! Yes, our people need us, Ashton. Let’s go.”

It worked... it actually worked! I turn back to Doug who was about 3 inches away from my face. He was going to strangle me, wasn’t he?

~Oh god I bet he was so close to just throttling you oh gosh.~

Hahaha I have foiled death yet again! “Well, it was nice meeting you...Maybe I’ll see you again some other time?” I laugh at my little joke. “As if...”

He puts a firm hand on my shoulder. “We’ll find a way to get them home,” You know what, I don’t really care if they make their way home... Does that make me a bad person?

~Yes. A thousand times yes. So horrible brah.~

“Hang in there,” he continues, unassuringly.

I sigh as I follow Discord into the bizarre contraption mobile thing. The door shuts behind me with a squeak. By now I don’t even car- OH MY GOD I AM IN THE DEATH PROOF CAR! Discord is snugly latched inside the caged off driver seat while I have nothing but a bucket to hang on to. AHHHHH!!!

“Ready?” He asks.

“THOSE TWO WERE FLUTTERSHY AND PINKIE PIE! AND ANGEL! THEY MADE ME NOT TELL YOU THEIR NAMES!” I exclaim quite loudly.

~Such a wimpy sell out.~

“Right-o then! He yanks down a pair of aviator goggle onto his face, and smashes the glass covering for a button labeled STOP. “Wait wha-”

Before he could finish, everything went timeywimey

Comments

[Thunderbug80]

Yaydl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy.png and huzzahdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png .

[telimas]

God I missed this story and its craziness!

[Jaysteeny]

And from then on, all logic was defied.

[Shanenator]

Timey wimey wibbly wobbly....stuff.

Hurrah, it's PonyFall madness tonight!! I think this should become a Sunday night tradition *wink wink nudge nudge*. And I just gotta say, I loved this chapter. It was hilarious and good fun to see this whole scenario pan out from Ashton's point of view. Must suck being a Dingo. And since Ashton is mentally insane and talks to himself he is the funniest characters' head to be in. I lol'd like five times. Also theak is now headcanon.

But now I REALLY wanna know what's up with this FA guy. Srsly, there's some weird stuff going on. As a final comment: ASHTON Y U GO NUTS AND TELL DISCORD WHO THEY WERE?? WHYYYY?? Errmahgerd can't wait for more!

[123456789123456789]

You posted it before I could finish editing, dammit!

1731391 I don't mean to brag, but I know who FA is...

[Paladin Redflare]

OOOOOOOWEEEEEEOEOOWEOOWEOOOOOO WEEOOOOOO WIBBLY WOBBLY TIMEY WIMEY!
Rofl, Discord you so funny.... in this fic.

[banjobulldog]

Dafuq did I just read? and also who is the guy in the robe?

[Blissey1]

Because I can. Actually... I think I’m forgetting something. Yeah, something about a name or two that shouldn’t be said right now?

really want to get a closer look at that humongous car-thing that the other human just arrived in! Doesn’t it just look amazing?”

I think you the entire sentence here.

[Lunias]

1732479
I JUST GOT IT IN THIS CHAPTER. It seems so obvious now!

...weeeell, I don't have anything besides circumstantial evidence, but it seems likely at the moment. I'm not going to say who, though, because spoilers