• Published 20th Dec 2013
  • 378 Views, 8 Comments

Hearths Warming Thief - SIR OM NOM NOM

(A holiday special from me) Life is not a fairytale. They make it look easy but it's actually hard. I didn't want to do this........

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Along the Rooftops and Back......

Author's Note:

All typed in via smartphone.......I need to fix my computer.

The holidays, a time of sharing and caring, a time when families join in together to spread cheer, a time when little colts and fillies play in the snow and enjoy it.
That never happened to me. I never had time to enjoy the holidays, I was busy during the time.
I was a thief, a good one. But I left the thievery business a long time ago one night on Hearths Warming........

I ran through the cobblestone streets, tired and irritated.
"Why won't they give up!" I thought to myself as I looked back at my pursuers, a groups of ponies in a blue police uniform. I hated those guys.
I dashed as they saw me, I've been chased by these guys for hours now. There was nopony as I ran down the street, just only them and me. They were getting closer as they galloped after me. I turned right into a nearby alley. Dead end....

"It's the end of the line criminal scum," I heard the police officer behind me. I turned to face the officer, he had that moustache that makes him look like a crook. "Now surrender the item."

Oh yeah, I stole something since I'm a thief and all that. Anyway, I held on tight to a satchel I carried and looked for a way to escape. I found my route, a nearby window. So I flew into the window; it was dark inside but I ventured inside anyway. I went up some stairs, and went onto a balcony I founded a few seconds ago. I didn't stopped there. I continued to go up until I reached the rooftop. I looked at the sight upon me.
The crescent moon shined down at my face as the city had already ceased any lights or sounds. it was a beautiful sight. I sat down on the rooftop and gazed at the view.

"You don't always have to do this," I turned to look at who said it. I saw a unicorn mare right near me, I wasn't surprised. .

"Hello dear sister, what brings you here?" I said to the mare. She then sat beside me.

"Same as you. Business," she answered. I looked at her. She still had the grey fur and black mane, but she was wearing a police uniform. I was now a bit surprised.

"So you're an officer now," I asked.

"Yeup, I'm now just a rookie," my sister answered. She had that smirk on her face, it reminded me of those childhood days, the good ones.

"Aren't you suppose to arrest me or something," I deadpanned.

My sister could only scratch the back of her head. I laughed a bit, I found this situation kind of funny.
"Yeah............but how about we just enjoy the view for now?"

I resumed and continued to watch the quiet city. The night breeze brushed through both of us, which it gave is both a chill. It was quiet.

I decided to break the silence.

"So......... It's been five years," I said.

"It has been five years," my sister replied. She also enjoyed the view as we talk. "Everything was different after you left."

"How so?" My curiosity grew.

"Well, ever since you were gone, life went harder in the farm. Mum and dad were too old to work and I can't do the work myself. We moved here to the city and hoped that we'll find you eventually........" She looked up at me and I was suddenly hugged by her. "I've missed you.......but why are you doing this? Why? This isn't yourself." She continued to talk and I was still under her embrace. "Why can't you have an honest job?"

"Life is not like fairytales," I said. "It may look easy but it's actually hard. I didn't like it but I have to do it, even if it's thievery."

"But I don't want you to be like this. You're always running, hiding. I want my brother back. The brother I've known and loved for all those years," she replied, tears visibly ran down her cheeks.

I tried to give my sister a comforting smile, "I'm still the same brother all these years......but different."

"But can you...........change......for me," my sister said as she looked up at me again, her eyes begging me to do so. I'm not sure what to do. "Can you?"

"I don't know," I answered. "I'm not sure."

"Since it's Hearths Warming. How about you do it........as a Hearths Warming gift," she said as she continued to hold onto me.

I heard whistles in a distance, it was my cue to leave.

"Go," my sister said. "Go before I actually arrest you." She let go of me and looked away. But before I was about to leave, I gave her one last hug.

"Goodbye," I whispered before I dashed off. I galloped and glided from rooftop to rooftop. My hooves landed carefully each time I landed. My breathing steadied and paced. The adrenaline racing through my very veins. I stopped.
I ceased all of my movements and skidded halfway across a random roof. I looked back, it wasn't to check if I was being followed but to steal one more glance at the beautiful city. I looked down at my satchel and opened it.

Inside sat a crown, it was the ancient crown of Princess Platinium. Each piece showed that it was crafted with the most talented hooves. It was the crown I stole.
I continued to look at it. "I can't believe I'm going to do this," I whispered to myself. I then jumped and soared through the air.I past through the barren streets, my speed was fast but quiet. I landed as I reached my destination, a tower. Guards flock the building, they must have noticed that it was missing.

I sneaked through the defenses. It was easy, no wonder how I stole the crown. I used my wings to help me get into an open window. It was empty as I went inside, there was nopony around and there was a pedestal resting on the middle of the room. The exact location where I stole the crown. I took out the crown and gently placed it on the pedestal.
An alarm went off. I heard hoofsteps from outside the door, but I immediatly jumped back outside. I didn't even bother to use my wings to glide down but I landed to a nearby moat. I then crawled out of the water, my clothes and fur all wet.

"He wen't down there," I heard a voice said from the tower. I dragged myself out of the scene unoticed, I had escaped from all of this. I went down into an alley, and sat against the walls.
"Damn it's cold," I said to myself as I looked at the starry night sky. "Have a good Hearths Warming, sister.............."

Comments ( 8 )

Hello there!

Well, in terms of advice, I'd first say that you should go through and clean-up the issue with the paragraph spacing so that there's that needed space bit by bit. I know that it's tedious, but if you want a lot of views you just have to do it Second, I'd separate out thoughts from speech with italics so that you have your prose be something like: "Maybe stealing is wrong, but that's only if you get caught," Dusk Wind remarked, giggling as he shifted his head about. My, this mare looks pretty cute. I should seriously ask her out.

Third, I'd try and be way more careful with your sentance structure. You have text that's like:
So I flew into the window, iy was dark inside but I ventured inside anyway.

When that should be:
So, I flew into the window; it was dark inside, but I ventured inside anyway. (Adding commas and a semicolon)

Proper use of commas, periods, semicolons, and the like is very important, as is making sure that you spell-check everything.

In terms of the actual story, it's an interesting concept, but it feels so very incomplete with the need for there to be way more in the way of action and character development. Do keep on working. And have a nice holiday season.

The editor must have missed it. I have no idea how the editing thing works. I'll try to fix theses things. It happens due to typing this whole thing down via phone......

Comment posted by All of the Above deleted Dec 9th, 2014

Yeah, this needs a complete re-edit. Read it aloud to yourself and you should be able to hear the clunky phrasing. Listen for repetition. Listen for redundant sentences. You should also hear where sentences are missing a word to complete the thought.

You also want to expand. The siblings are potentially really cool OCs and deserve more story.

Oh, and rewrite the description. Please!


I type all of my stories on my phone too. Pretty darn good but you need to space your paragraphs. Also your story isn't really a tragedy. Keep up the good work.

Seems a bit rushed but the feeling in the story is still pretty strong.
It seems so sad in the beginning but as it continues it grows into a heart warming tale. One is a rule breaker while the other enforces the law, quite the conundrum those two seem to be put in but their family ties are stronger.
In the end, he gives his sister a gift, the chance that he could turn away from the life of petty theft, a incredible gift to hand to his sister in the end.

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