It's been 4 years lmao. But I'm back
Fluttershy has no lover to see at night or when she comes home from shopping. But she has a secret...she has a crush on Spike. Ever since he came to Ponyville with Twilight she gets a funny feeling every time she sees Spike, the Flutters. Should she tell him? Or should she tell her friends first? My first story. Please point out mistakes and criticism is welcome. Just don't be super mean.
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this is awesome and adorable. perfect grammer in my opioin. the flow is good. keep it up. im liking and favoring this. great job
While this story has the potential to be cute and very good, I'm afraid there are a few things which really pull this back. The biggest thing I've noticed is the writing style itself -- everything is very simplistic with little or no description at all, and you often fall into the trap of telling instead of showing. Simplicity isn't always a bad thing, but here it makes everything feel detached and rushed. I would suggest slowing it down a bit, using more adjectives and adverbs to flesh out what you've written, and that you really focus on the emotions you're trying to portray here. Another thing is that there seems to be quite a few typos sprinkled throughout this, and places where you switch from past to present tense. There are lots of places around the site where you can find pre-readers and editors to help you spot those, and if you have troubles getting one then you can just send me a PM and I can look your stories over if you'd like.
As a final thing (and this is more of a friendly suggestion than a con) it's generally not a good idea to say that this is your first story in the description. It's fine in the author's note at the bottom, but people often turn away if they see it first-thing.
I mean all of this as positive and friendly criticism, and if you ever need help with a story I'm open. Have a good day.
3838522
I wouldn't mind having help, I'm going through a rough patch recently, and yeah, my recent story tanked and my other ones don't need too much.
Will you be willy to offer some assistance?
3838562
Yeah, sure. Probably not right at this second, though, as I'm writing my own stories as well and have some stuff (homework) to do. I'll get back to you soon. In the meantime, is there anything specific you want some quick advice on? (I'll probably be able to help sometime tomorrow, if you've got the time then.)
3838578
Yeah, I got the time tomorrow. Alright, then. Tomorrow it is!
Twilights gone for a week, Spike has a massive list of chores, Fluttershy has a crush on him first day Fluttershy puts him to bed and comments on how cute he is. Sorry but I can hear alarm bells going off. Where did you get the idea for this story exactly?
so far it looks promising for a first story. I will keep my eye on this.
3838638 I don't see how he stole anything from your story (if you're accusing him of that.). It didn't have nearly as good writing style, and the events between the two stories are almost nothing. RD isn't even in here! You can only really say something if the plot points are almost identical. Other than that, it's fair game.
The ship isn't even that popular, so for me, seeing another FlutterSpike story is a miracle. The whole week thing is probably going to become an over-used idea, seeing as how people prefer cute over originality. Don't take it too lightly if someone decides to use your own idea.
Also, to the author, you need EXTREME amounts of editing. This whole chapter could have used one big touch-up. You need to work on a lot of things, considering your phrasing is just off by so much. Also, you could really add some realism into the story. Spike seems to have more of a Rainbow Dash personality than anything. Also, I think he can take care of himself a lot more, since he is the one who takes care of a princess most of the time in a giant library that HE cleans up.
You should heavily work on the character's dialogue a lot more. I mean... I felt like you were describing canny lines from a third grade romance story. Work on it.
Oh, and I mean no offense when I say this, but you seriously need a book on grammar.
3839076 I am not implying he stole anything. I am merely making an observation of a few coincidences. And whilst I agree FlutterSpike is a rare ship, I'd prefer it if a little more time and effort was put into this story. This just seems like a very rushed attempt.
3839218 That's pretty obvious. But like I said, most people just prefer cute over originality. I'm not like that, but I know many others who are. It's just a thing.
Hey guys! I do notice that there are some mistakes. I will get to it as soon as I can! Thanks for your feedback guys.
3842076 Ha! Your getting awfully defensive considering you aren't even the author. All of the similarities I pointed out are present in one of my stories. So that's my evidence right there. And before you start giving it all you've got trying to defend this guy or whatever, keep in mind that I really don't care anymore what has to be said on this matter. I've made my point so I have nothing more to say.
3842076 i never troll. that celestias job
3842076 I was talking about the pairing in total. If you were to look at any other FlutterSpike story, the general ideas wrapped around them would make them cute out of anything else. Plus, the stories aren't that popular, so the fact that one idea is going around isn't really a surprise. Also, what's with the defensive tone? This discussion was only for me and question-mark headed pony over there.
3842033 may I recall that dragon ages slower than ponies so his basically 24 in pony years. So not pedofoalia
see what I did there 
3839260
3842033
Oh, uh... looks like my job was already sort of done for me while I was away. So...
3847027 I would question how anything of what I said was immature. Like I said I've already made my point and don't wish to argue on it any further. And point of fact you ARE getting incredibly defensive, or perhaps confrontational, since you've called into question every negative statement being made about this fic, which no offense to the author, isn't good. It's not bad, it's so-so. Whilst I find it somewhat admirable to jump to this guy's defense when people are criticizing his story to say they are immature... Oh and to back up Neighbourhood Alicorn. I don't know whether it's scientific prove, in fact I can't think of any credible scientist who would research his proposal. But the popularity of d'awww inducing fics that seem to be a dime a dozen on this site, that get lots of likes even though most of them aren't very good, has already proven to me that cuteness can trump originality. And no I'm not going to provide evidence. I have better things to do with my time than argue with someone over the internet, so with that I bid you adieu.
3847027 dude would you just chill and enjoy the fanfic instead of pointing out flaws that aren't there. It's a fanfic it doesn't have to be detailed like the show. Just enjoy the fic.
3849035 Hmm, hold on a minute...*checks self* Nope not raging, not at all. If I was raging, then I assume EVERYTHING WOULD BE IN CAPS-LOCKS WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
I don't get mad over trivial things like this. Also I DID answer your question, as you only asked me the one, I am not accusing the author of stealing anything, I pointed out plot similarities between this story and my own, this isn't enough evidence for you? If anyone is being disrespectful here it's you by claiming I'm immature. Frankly I don't know whether you are trying to troll me or not but I really can't be bothered with this.
3849035 dude just write a comment saying "I enjoy this story, but you might want to double check the story, there are a bit of misspelling." Instead of writing a way to long comment pointing out every single flaw. No one likes a smartass.
3851636 Just ignore this Muddy guy. He's acting rather holier than thou. And Muddy you will probably read this so let me just say there is no point in trying to talk any sense into you. Full reviews of the type you are using are best sent into a PM. That way you avoid spoilers and cluttering up the comment section.
3852732 Asking me to act mature implies you think I am immature. I have already provided you your "evidence". You seem intent on arguing with every negative opinion. Author I am sorry you've had to endure this.
Concise enough for you?
3852828 Original Question: "Are you implying this story is a copy of something?"
Answer given
34 times now: No, but there are undeniably quite a few similarities between this story, and one I wrote around a year ago. Which I highlighted in my initial comment.I don't even know why I am bothering to continue this argument. Or why I am bothering to argue with you in the first place. You clearly ignore what I have to say.
3852732 Then write to him in a private message, that way you are saying that to him directly, and not filling the comment section with arguments.
3856192 you don't expect for a story to be posted and get instant popularity, you got to give it time, wait for it to be discovered. That's how I'm starting.
3838578
Could I just follow you and we can talk more about this little arrangement in a bit? I'm following you so I don't forget, and to help pay back for you helping me with my writing problems, will you accept?
3856266
Yeah, I could still help you if you wanted me to, through PMs and things. I just didn't know if my help was needed now. You don't have to follow me though, if you don't want.
3856305
I will read one of your stories, then. I usually like to follow someone appropriately, surprisingly man. There is no dislikes on any of your stories, so this must be very good news.
As for the edits, we can do PM's and such. I'm really happy you actually considered. I'll shut up now, but I just have to say that you feel very professional with this sort of stuff.
Ok. Like I said before I will get to fixing the mistakes. Now another thing....please stop this arguing. MuddyFudger thanks for your review. MysteriousBrony I agree. Still please stop arguing this bothers me. Thank You.
3860306 Im sorry it happened to me too, sorry.
Really good story so far but I'm just waiting for pinkie to break the forth wall or whatever it's called....... Sometimes she scares me in some stories
My commander has read the story and thinks you have potential for more.
spike signing out.
Please tell me this story is not dead!! it is very nice, we want a new chapter!
PS: sorry for the bad English, is not my native language.
Good news! Tommorow I will have a break and I will write the new chapter. (Or at least try too) If you guys would like to suggest a somepony from the show, message me and I will find a way to throw them in there.
4980600 Check the story soon...today i'm writing some of it.
OMG. Today was a busy day...tomorrow...writing class! Fun...
But...i will try to fit in a few minutes to write the story. I have about a PARAGRAPH written...*insert face hoof here* Expect the new chapter out with sunday or monday.
Awesome
......what?
Plesase. continue the history, its very good.
5997038 WHOA. A year and a half since the last update? Whoa. Anyway, thanks for saying that. I just continued writing it. It's almost done!
6272541
Almost done? Yeah right pal.
Btw, this has too great of a premise to let go of.
