• Member Since 28th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

sniperwar10


a new writer.

T
Source

Tom was a changeling, he wasn't normal even by changeling standards. During his usual search for love, well food. He finds one particular pony who seemed in need of a companion.
cover by EllyCoo
(This is my first story so there might be errors depending if its grammar, spelling, or which pony is talking.^^)
currently on haitus till i rewrite my chapters...

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 18 )

You just got your very first follower. How does that feel? :pinkiehappy:

3638310 :derpyderp2:
can't really say, but thanks for following me.^^

3680137
well its FxM.

Technically hes a she, but his male side shows more than his "female side" as far as his private parts goes.

I'd just notice that i wrote it wrong and its suppose to be...

Technically hes a she, but his male side shows more than his "female side". His private parts are female though.

yeah.... Thanks for telling me that.^^

3684363
oh, oke then! Uhm, but why is his/her name tom then? That what I got he's a male when he's a pony.

3684494 His name is Tom because the changling wanted to fit in and not have any weird obscure name.^^
I'll add it to the chapter, thanks for the question.^^
Any more about the story, or chapter?
(sorry , its my first story I've written.^^)

3684725
I'm still kind of confused, sorry. :derpyderp2:
So Tom is as a Pony a male and met another male and I assume they will be a relationship, so it would be MxM, buuuut if she would show him, that he's actually a changeling she, then it would make sense again!

And to the chapter/story itself (I'm not a big critic) it's good so far, but I think there will be more action, when you got more chapters. So I'll wait for that and then say something.

(I'm currently also writing my first fiction, about my Changeling OC, so I know how hard it is. :pinkiegasp:
Especially if english isn't your native language. :trixieshiftleft:)

3684747

I'm still kind of confused, sorry. :derpyderp2:

it's fine.^^

So Tom is as a Pony a male and met another male and I assume they will be a relationship, so it would be MxM, buuuut if she would show him, that he's actually a changeling she, then it would make sense again!

Yep, you got it.^^

And to the chapter/story itself (I'm not a big critic) it's good so far,

Thanks.^^

but I think there will be more action, when you got more chapters. So I'll wait for that and then say something.

more action? sure.^^ i'm still writing the story as i go along.^^ (i do have an out line but i always like ideas to make the story more interesting, or better.^^)

(I'm currently also writing my first fiction, about my Changeling OC, so I know how hard it is. :pinkiegasp:
Especially if english isn't your native language. :trixieshiftleft:)

Well, good luck on your changling fan fiction.^^

This NEEDS to be a M/M story... SO CUTE

It's look like M/M....but Tom's body is female....Isn't it? Tom is female. But she like to be male..And he like male....Mmmm :applecry:

3980018 I agree O_o Kinda unnatural

5000296 you are talking about how mark just follows Tom?
i think there was going to be a chapter that explains this or something.... sorry if i suddenly transitioned/end like this.

Gotta be honest, I was unimpressed by this one.
To avoid going on and on about it, I'll break it down into three broad issues I have with it.

The first summed up is basically that, well, it's your first story. There are a number of awkward lines, or places of phrasing, and places where things just don't flow. Really, this is probably something that will improve with time/writing and there's nothing to do about it at the moment.

Do you know the concept of 'show, don't tell' for movies? I've found there's something similar with writing, though it's a bit harder to grasp as writing is in some ways storytelling. Basically, I found some things simply stated where I think they should have been indirectly described. Again, something that will have to be developed over time, though in this case I think it would help just to keep it in mind.

Finally, the names. Interestingly, the names are the thing I found most irritating. The names I can remember in the story, Tom, Mark, Mary, Mr. Ty, are not the sorts of names Equestrian ponies would have. Maybe you could get away with it if you found a way to justify it, but you've basically just given human names to ponies and I at least found the result jarring.

5008473 Well it's my first story and try at writing. X3

There are a number of awkward lines, or places of phrasing, and places where things just don't flow.

Well you are correct, I'm going to try to re-edit my story.

Basically, I found some things simply stated where I think they should have been indirectly described.

This story had a weird view point. At first it was from the main characters point of view. Then I wanted to include my other oc. (Mark)
I will try and decide if its from a first person view or from different views per chapter thing.

Interestingly, the names are the thing I found most irritating.

are not the sorts of names Equestrian ponies would have. Maybe you could get away with it if you found a way to justify it, but you've basically just given human names to ponies and I at least found the result jarring.

I tried to find names but I'm not good at naming ponies. Mark is a nickname and Tom is sorta of a nickname.
As for the other ponies, I will edit and try to name them better.
Back to nicknames, i should of gone longer for the first chapter as i planned for them to sit down at a table to have a conversation.
Well, thanks for telling me about how you felt about my story.

3984830

It's look like M/M....but Tom's body is female....Isn't it? Tom is female. But she like to be male..And he like male....Mmmm :applecry:

Yep, he likes to be male.
I'm going to try and re-edit so it makes more sense about how he likes to be male despite him technically being female.
Although he sometimes can act female. X3
Now that i think about it.. This can be used for more character development, or an internal conflict. X3
Thanks for commenting. ^w^

3980030

This NEEDS to be a M/M story... SO CUTE

It's sorta is if you think about it. X3
I did consider having Tom just to be a normal pegasus in a city, but since all the characters are original ocs...
I had to find a way to make it interesting so i had him as a changeling that's technically female but likes to be male.
Also, from your earlier comment.

THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY...

Yep it did. X3
I'm going to fix or re-write the first chapter so it's better.
The story overall won't change much, just going to make it flow or make it read better.
And have the first chapter longer so it explains the sudden thing. X3
Thanks for commenting. ^w^

5354354 Yeah, names are something I struggle with a lot too. The thing to remember is that Equestrian names tend to be more literal descriptions of the characters they attach to than elsewhere. So, when looking to name a character good places to look are their job, what they're most interested in or what they do most often.
Nicknames are fine in and of themselves, but they might actually complicate things. A character having a nickname doesn't save them from needing a name, if anything now more work is needed to tie the nickname to the character and his actual name.
Mark and Tom might work as part of other names, i.e. a pony named Casual Remark (a gossip, or maybe a script writer or something) might have Mark as a nickname, or Tom could be a part of...well, Tomato is the only word I could think of off the top of my head (could apply to a farmer, or some other job which works with plants).

With perspective shifts, just make sure to keep it clear which perspective each perspective is in, and when it shifts. Just something to keep in mind.

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