• Published 17th Dec 2013
  • 566 Views, 18 Comments

Strange Revelations - sniperwar10



A changeling stuck in a city, and his mind in the past. While looking for food he found something unexpected.

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Chapter four: The Workplace

While Work is not hard depending how skilled and what you do. There some things that can go wrong if you make the wrong move. Mistakes can happen often and some can be dangerous depending on the situation. But maybe sometimes you can be lucky and avoid the dangerous mistakes. Sometimes, Maybe being lucky only make you more unlucky...

It was bright early in the morning, casting a warm hazy day today. Tom had just woken up his new "friend" Mark, because he plans to show him the place where Tom worked. After all, he doesn't want Mark to be left alone in the house after just barley meeting him yesterday. Though... it seems today might be an interesting day for Tom considering he has to make sure Mark doesn't find out Tom's actual identity.

"Can't i stay here and sleep more...?" Mark asked since he had been traveling a lot lately. It seems there is something on his mind that worries him greatly.

"Well, i suppose i can let you stay here while i work but, how i show you where i work at?" Tom said smiling.

Mark then scratches his head in confusion, not sure whether to say "yes" or "no". It takes a second but he then says after taking a bit of thought.

"okay..." Mark replied lazily.

He then slowly gets up from the couch, and leans onto Tom. Tom took this as an opportunity to nuzzle him. Mark just shakes his head then regains his balance.

"Not a morning pony i guess?" Tom states. "You can put a hoof around my shoulder, and i can help you walk outside." says with a smile.

"um..." Mark pauses. "I think i'm fine... Thanks for the offer i guess."

He then moves a few steps close to the door, and waits for Tom. "While it would be nice to have some help, i think i should stay a few inches from him..." Mark thought.


Outside was bright and sunny, just like any day in the crowded city. I't takes a bit to ravel from place to place while walking. If you have lived here for a while you wouldn't mind.

It was tiring to get to work and back. Seems like it was an hour, but it was about 15-30 mins to get to work. Tom seemed saddened by the dreams he recently had of his past hive with the exception of the recent one. Mark noticed this while the walk to Tom's work place. He gently nuzzles him in order to lift his confidence up somehow.

"Huh? What's wrong mark?" asked Tom.

"Well... It seems your having a bad day..." Mark replied worried.

"I-It's nothing i assure you..." Tom replied lazily.

"You sure?" Mark asked.

"I'm sure." Tom Replied.


They finally arrive at the so called workplace that Tom said. The Workplace itself was a sorta like a office and a factory combined. While strange it seemed, the two ponies went in. Tom started Giving his own tour of the place. The front seemed happy as it was like a shop, they sold mostly paper and other things. Tom explained the whole shop made paper and whatever the other things were. Curiously, Mark seemed to question why work such a place.

"Well... Let me show you the rest Mark." Tom said happily.

Past the worker's door, The Factory part of the place seemed to shine happily while workers talked as if it's a great day. Mark liked this since it wasn't going to be as boring as he imagined. While walking by the machines, Tom and Mark said hi to the passing workers, most were happy and some tired from working.

"It seems like a great day, right Mark?" Tom asked.

"Yep." Mark said happily.

The reach the elevator door, it takes ponies to the top sections of the buildings. The building itself had about 4-5 floors, some say the manager floor isn't really a floor. Since the manager sorta lives here out of will. The two take the elevator to the 2nd floor. While it was still mixed, it was mostly office due to safety reasons. The offices look primitive or generic on this floor since of the small mix. Sorta like a newbie's start to the company.

The third floor contained the more complicated offices, and one last machine. The machine itself stuck out like a sore thumb since the offices put the designs of it to shame. While Tom didn't want to answer, it still took Mark's curiosity about it. Tom walked out of the elevator, so did Mark. This Tom said were a friend Tom wanted to say hi to. The two ponies look around for said pony but it seems the offices made it hard to see where said friend was. Suddenly a voice called out to Tom, It was his friend Ty.

"Tom, over here!" Ty yelled. Then some of the workers complained, and Ty simply just waved at them.

"Lets go Mark." Tom said. The two stopped by Ty's office and a sudden cold came over Tom. While Tom shrugged it off, a memory of the recent memory came to mind.

"Hi Ty. I'm just giving my new friend here a tour." Tom said happily.

"Oh, i was wondering about him. anyways you better hurry to your floor Tom." Ty said worriedly.

"Huh? is there something wrong with one of the computers again?" Tom asked.

"N-No. Just go there, i can't really say." Ty said nervously.

Tom just shrugged it off and the two went to the elevator. After the Dark blue Pegasus pressed the button for fourth floor, Mark wanted to ask, but remained silent. The elevator arrived to the fourth floor and Tom had moved to confront what was the problem. Though it was a problem, but for Tom that is.

"Well, late again Tom. How many times do i have to tell you..." Mary said.

Comments ( 5 )

Gotta be honest, I was unimpressed by this one.
To avoid going on and on about it, I'll break it down into three broad issues I have with it.

The first summed up is basically that, well, it's your first story. There are a number of awkward lines, or places of phrasing, and places where things just don't flow. Really, this is probably something that will improve with time/writing and there's nothing to do about it at the moment.

Do you know the concept of 'show, don't tell' for movies? I've found there's something similar with writing, though it's a bit harder to grasp as writing is in some ways storytelling. Basically, I found some things simply stated where I think they should have been indirectly described. Again, something that will have to be developed over time, though in this case I think it would help just to keep it in mind.

Finally, the names. Interestingly, the names are the thing I found most irritating. The names I can remember in the story, Tom, Mark, Mary, Mr. Ty, are not the sorts of names Equestrian ponies would have. Maybe you could get away with it if you found a way to justify it, but you've basically just given human names to ponies and I at least found the result jarring.

5008473 Well it's my first story and try at writing. X3

There are a number of awkward lines, or places of phrasing, and places where things just don't flow.

Well you are correct, I'm going to try to re-edit my story.

Basically, I found some things simply stated where I think they should have been indirectly described.

This story had a weird view point. At first it was from the main characters point of view. Then I wanted to include my other oc. (Mark)
I will try and decide if its from a first person view or from different views per chapter thing.

Interestingly, the names are the thing I found most irritating.

are not the sorts of names Equestrian ponies would have. Maybe you could get away with it if you found a way to justify it, but you've basically just given human names to ponies and I at least found the result jarring.

I tried to find names but I'm not good at naming ponies. Mark is a nickname and Tom is sorta of a nickname.
As for the other ponies, I will edit and try to name them better.
Back to nicknames, i should of gone longer for the first chapter as i planned for them to sit down at a table to have a conversation.
Well, thanks for telling me about how you felt about my story.

3984830

It's look like M/M....but Tom's body is female....Isn't it? Tom is female. But she like to be male..And he like male....Mmmm :applecry:

Yep, he likes to be male.
I'm going to try and re-edit so it makes more sense about how he likes to be male despite him technically being female.
Although he sometimes can act female. X3
Now that i think about it.. This can be used for more character development, or an internal conflict. X3
Thanks for commenting. ^w^

3980030

This NEEDS to be a M/M story... SO CUTE

It's sorta is if you think about it. X3
I did consider having Tom just to be a normal pegasus in a city, but since all the characters are original ocs...
I had to find a way to make it interesting so i had him as a changeling that's technically female but likes to be male.
Also, from your earlier comment.

THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY...

Yep it did. X3
I'm going to fix or re-write the first chapter so it's better.
The story overall won't change much, just going to make it flow or make it read better.
And have the first chapter longer so it explains the sudden thing. X3
Thanks for commenting. ^w^

5354354 Yeah, names are something I struggle with a lot too. The thing to remember is that Equestrian names tend to be more literal descriptions of the characters they attach to than elsewhere. So, when looking to name a character good places to look are their job, what they're most interested in or what they do most often.
Nicknames are fine in and of themselves, but they might actually complicate things. A character having a nickname doesn't save them from needing a name, if anything now more work is needed to tie the nickname to the character and his actual name.
Mark and Tom might work as part of other names, i.e. a pony named Casual Remark (a gossip, or maybe a script writer or something) might have Mark as a nickname, or Tom could be a part of...well, Tomato is the only word I could think of off the top of my head (could apply to a farmer, or some other job which works with plants).

With perspective shifts, just make sure to keep it clear which perspective each perspective is in, and when it shifts. Just something to keep in mind.

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