Caramel. The most forgetful pony in Ponyville, and the most forgettable. A harmless marespony who slinks along practically in the background unnoticed. And yet, as Caramel goes about his daily chores, the question becomes: Who exactly IS Caramel, and WHY are there so many lookalikes?
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Very good and original.
heh, that´s a new one, does that mean the Caramel suit is a disguise used by the royal guard?
3635192 Oh, that's a fun idea. Here, it's intended not so much one commonly used by the royal guard, as one used by Flash Sentry, who happens to be a deep-cover operative.
3636310
yeah, but what about "big mel" and "caramelle"? i doubt even Flash would wear false bulk or heavens forbid disguise as a mare.
Hah. I didn't see that ending coming. The Caramel persona is really cute and convincing. I bet everypony feels a bit of pity for him which makes him seem less suspicious.
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I actually worried that the twist was too obvious, particularly after the visit with Pinkie. I had a lot of fun with Caramel's forgetfulness after I realized it could be used as a tactic to check if people were changelings. And a part of me wonders if Caramel/Flash actually does forget who he's supposed to be at times.
I thought it was...Good, but definitely needs improvements. For instance, "Turning over, he saw a simple bedside table, with a picture of a yellow earth pony with carefully styled hair propped up. He had no family. He was single."
you could've tried a little harder to tell us exactly how and such, instead of just HE'S SINGLE
But I did like that ending. Did not expect it one bit, but...I have to say uhh...you do dialgoue alright .Transitions and such. Just work on that sudden periods and stuff. Oh! Use ; and -, they're good.
Oh, liked the conversation with Big Mac. ^^
3797193 The idea was that Caramel himself was somewhat dissociated in the morning, and was just learning/rediscovering all the different facts associated with his persona. So he sees the picture with just himself and remembers that his persona is not supposed to have any family or attachments. But it was confusing, and more than one person has said that part falls flat. So I get where you're coming from.
I'll keep the advice on transitions in mind. Do you have any suggestions for dialogue? I'm glad you liked the conversation with Big Mac, I feel like a lot of fimfiction (and the show, recently) tends to forget that he actually does talk.
3800068 well, one thing i see during dialgoue alot is just "say" and "said". Personally, i find it more fun to just write what the character says, and right after, describe their action. When the conversation is real important, or like...where caramel would be REALLY focused on the voice, then describe and say who is talking. Oh, and if there is more tha. One character, then you would say whos talking, etc. but thats basic stuff.
I would be more descriptive, but this is on an ipad. Lol....
Anyways, peace!
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE YOU CRIMINAL SCUM!
Flash Sentry is a PEGASUS! How do you hide those wings? It's IMPOSSIBLE to hide it in plain sight! This guy is a fake! SEIZE HIM!
Also, if he is a field marshal then he is Shining's boss!
4686267 Gonna be honest, didn't give the ranks a whole lot of thought. Then again, who says the Equestrians use the same ranking system we do?
Also: yes I know he's a Pegasus. At the end, it says he was using a glamour stone to hide the wings, which he kept closely folded by his side.
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BUT FIELD MARSHALL IS ABOVE GENERAL AND CAPTAIN ONLY GETS A PLATOON WHILE A FIELD MARSHAL GOT AN ENTIRE ARMY!!!
New headcanon accepted.
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
I’ve been meaning to write this review for sometime now, albeit things kept getting in the way. Mostly the Kingdom Hearts ReMIXes 1.5 & 2.5, and Dark Souls. Call me Ben “Yahtzee” mother-fucking Croshaw. Anyway, as most of you probably know I am new to the ol’ review scene. So most of you are probably sitting there thinking, “Who the fuck is this joker? He probably couldn’t write a ZP review to save his life. Somebody go get Twitterdick or Dark Avenger, you know, the fuckers who actually know what the hell they’re doing!” Hahaha… Shut up and sit down!
Caramel’s Day is a salt of the earth kind of tale. It’s one of those rare good things that come of shitty places, e.g. Spec Ops: The Line-Triple-A Games, Dishonored–Bethesda, Cocaine-coca leaves-South America, tentacle porn-japan, lets not forget AIDS-Africa and etc. You can fill out the rest on your own.
Anyhow, our protagonist goes by Caramel, a forgetful and… well that’s about it. (That’s really his only outstanding character trait.) Armed with his trusty, ghetto saddlebags and his reminders taped to his...er...wrist(?). He traverses Ponyville with a mission in mind, to do all the things of said list. Wow, is that a downer. If I wanted to read about someone having a normal day I would text my girlfriend and ask her, “How was your day? And don’t leave out any details.” while simultaneously hanging myself!
Nothing seems to soothe the cold lump sitting beneath my bosom more than an the off wall (un)comedic sitcom (and Pinkie Pie). Perhaps, I’m being a bit hypocritical because I did say that it was good. I am not afraid to admit that I am wrong and I’ll murder anyone that says otherwise. After rereading it for the Celestia knows how many times, I realized something. Apart from the very little wrong with it and the massive amounts of skipping around, it feels like someone gave me cubic zirconia and expected me to be fine with it.
The fact that this so called Caramel character was actually the waifu-stealing Flash Sentry was actually quite the surprise because as far as I can tell most of the fandom hates the very idea of him in–well–general. You know because most of the ships are about carpet munching (no offense intended). I’m not picking on it because it’s so close to perfection, quite the contrary. Imperfections are what make things art, and I sound like one of my motherfucking english teachers… thanks Felicia. I would have prefered it with more flaws than less.
6183480 Sorry... I'm a little unclear... did you like the story? You call it a "salt of the earth story," one of the good things from a bad place, then say it's boring, then say it's a surprise to see Flash Sentry because everyone hates him, then say it could use more flaws.
6010454 Thanks! Also, do you mean you're recommending it to them? I wondered, I didn't remember all the groups I'd submitted this story to. Or are you one of their reviewers?
5744843 Thanks!
6199259 I liked it at first. And normally before I start writing a review, I read a one-shot a couple times over. But I read this thing almost ten times. At first I thought it was good, but then as I kept reading it over again, it just seemed like there was something missing, and that something is holding it back. Its like the thing with the triple A games, a lot of it is just generic shit thats been run through the video game industry so many times its boring. And every once and a while something good like Dark Souls or Dishonored comes out and bitch slaps the general populace saying, "these are what good video games look like, you dumb bolluck."
I'm kinda of neutral on the whole thing. Your story shines like a clear-cut diamond, but has lumps, some lumps aren't quite as noticeable and some are like grape-sized lumps of newly developed breast cancer. Maybe Im just entirely to anal about this whole thing and Im taking my frustration at the game industry out on you... huh, actually never quite put that into perspective. I don't think I am, and if I was I would (and will) swiftly apologize for it.
If you recall I said these things:
I thought it good, but subsequently changed my mind, so is my right. But if you feel I gave you an unfair review, we can talk it out and I'll make up for it somehow.
6200185 I didn't think you were unfair. I was just slightly confused. I did like it when I first published it, but since then I've realized it has a lot of problems. The repetitive structure gets a little... repetitive, and a lot of the individual sections don't seem to have any point until you get to the ending. Fluttershy, especially, is a sort of useless section.
So no, I don't think you were unfair, and now that you clarify it, I can see a bit better what you were saying.
6200295 Glad I could help.
Neat concept!