A stallion is alone on Hearth's Warming Eve. As he wanders the streets he asks himself what will happen to him? When Pinkie spots him as he walks by the shop, will she be able to help make him feel better?
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heartbrokenpariah
Joined 30th Nov, 2013 ·
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...That was both sad and touching.
Good work! Not many can actually pull off making a reader feel emotions from the story.
Overall, I'd say the idea is a good one. It's realistic. In terms of problems, anyway. There were a whole bunch of places that could have used commas, but otherwise, I think the only grammatical error was a missing space between two words.
...And I personally liked it, on an unrelated note.
So, have a thumb and a star. And keep on writing!
Potential is evident,
-Time Centurion
3730261
Thank you very much, your actions are very much appreciated.
It was a good story, a little rushed and a bit too blatant with leaning on the sad button. However it was a good story and I liked reading it
3730339
Sorry if it was a bit rushed. I wrote it into the early hours on my phone. But I'm glad you enjoyed it.
To write the review you requested, I am using a modified version of my school's grading system, since I'm used to using it a lot. There will be four categories; plot, pacing, detail, and grammar. Each will be given a score from 0 to 4.
0-1.4; Almost nonexistant.
1.5-2.4; Pretty bad.
2.5-2.9; Mediocre.
3.0-3.4; Well done.
3.5-4.0; Shakespearian quality.
There may be spoilers, so if you are some random person who has not read the story, do not scroll down. Also, fair warning; I'm a notoriously harsh critic.
Okay. Let's begin.
Category 1: Plot. Not bad, but not great. The first three quarters of it were pretty predictable, but the end had a pretty unexpected twist in it. It was rather sad, which was undoubtedly the intention; but the supposed "romance" didn't really happen. Given a few more stories, though, the plot can easily make it to a high grade. 2.45 of 4.
Category 2: Pacing. In a story this short, pacing is more or less forced to be thrown out the window. This rings true once again here. The pacing was a bit fast, and didn't leave much time to soak in one event before another one distracted you from it. However, as mentioned previously, when the story is this short, what can you expect? And, admittedly, as far as it goes, this wasn't terribly paced at all. 3.2 of 4.
Category 3: Detail. Detail is connected to pacing in a surprisingly essential way; add more details and the pace gets slower due to taking significantly more time to soak in every event. Thus, when a story is quickly paced, the root of the problem is almost always found here, and this is no exception. So much more detail could have been used; exactly how the main character threw the table, how quickly the note was scrawled, what Pinkie Pie's smile looked like... fix Category 3, and Category 2 will easily follow suit into 4.0 territory. 2.0 of 4.
Category 4: Grammar. Oof. Comma splicing, capitalization issues, extra spaces, not enough spaces, missing punctuation, you name it. Admittedly, you said you typed this on your phone, but that doesn't make the myriad problems any easier on a Grammar Nazi such as myself. 0 of 4.
Now, I am going to assume you want plot weighed equally to the rest of the categories; if not, let me know, and I'll re-weigh it. In the current grading scale, however, you have a 1.9125 of 4, or somewhere between absolutely horrendous and mediocre. There's lots of room to improve, especially in the grammar department, but with a bit more practice, I'm sure you can make some great sadfics down the line.
3732682
Well the way you wrote the review it would appear that my story is a horrible train wreck. Thanks for the comment.
3732941 Well, I am one of the harshest critics since Croshaw, so you may want to take it with a grain of salt.