• Member Since 2nd Jun, 2012
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Flicka Ravenhide


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The Hive, as you know it, is gone. How far would you go to bring it back?

Once upon a time, the answer to such a question would have come easily to Queen Chrysalis. These days, however, such a question is not so simply answered. The Hive is shattered. The failed invasion of Canterlot left the changelings to form little pockets with their own individual Queens, preventing them from being the cohesive whole they once were. Chrysalis is left the leader of the smallest of these pockets, but it does not matter. The rightful Queen is dying, poisoned by the love fueled spell unleashed by Princess Cadance and Shining Armor. None of her followers can help her or find a cure, and no other changeling cares. Determined to save the Hive and bring it back together again, Chrysalis hatches a desperate plan to place a new Queen upon the full throne of the Hive. An outsider. Two ponies are chosen, both close friends, both unwillingly roped into this final act. Both must put aside their mistrust of the changelings and forgive old wrongs if they want to prevent the largest war since the War of the Sun and Moon over a thousand years ago from becoming reality. Unfortunately, as with all things in life, it is never quite so simple.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 201 )

Good lord that description is long, but you know what I'll give it a try as it sounds like an interesting premise.

Aw you look like you like that peace- NOPE! *Yanks it from under Chrysalis*

Overall seems interesting. However:

Basically, the living wood still absorbs light from Celestia’s sun and converts it into chemical energy, which is then converted into an easier to manage kinetic energy and stored elsewhere into the wood, waiting to be called upon by a unicorn familiar with the floes of energy, or a non-unicorn with the proper equipment.

No. Just, no. Kinetic energy is the energy an object has caused specifically by it moving, and only by it moving; it inherently cannot be stored for use later.

And so it begins again. This shall be glorious.

3629089

But In Sci-fi and magic that happen all time.


EXPLAIN ME THAT SIR

3629089 Ordinarily I'd agree with you, but I'm just gonna say to try and slog through all of that technological jargon Twilight used before using the simplified version. That explains what really happens (if you can understand it), and the example she gave is just the really really dumbed down version of it.

In other words, if Twilight's in depth description is hard to follow, just go with it because its magic. I hate using that excuse, but its hard enough to make sense of all of those excessively large words without trying to type them out and explain it too.

Loved the chapter. Hope you don't mind but here are some edits.

The Queen’s weary hooves carried her on their own violation, moving past still empty rooms and lonely floors.

Volition is the word you want there.

You told me it was a bad idea, and you ignored me.”

Uhm... that is a bit backwards. This is what I think you meant: You told me it was a bad idea and I ignored you."

Her eyes scanned the room swiftly, though what she did saw caused great confliction within her.

Uhm... Perhaps better this way: Her eyes scanned the room swiftly, though what she saw caused great conflict within her.

Twilight Sparkle,” the mare said, her voice seeming to echo from all directions.

You forgot to place the " before Twilight Sparkle in that sentence.

3629316 Yes. This is Unity as it should have been, and not that nightmare-ish whatever that was before.

3629364 Thanks. Don't have editor crew for this one yet. I'll have to get to fixing those.

3629253
I believe the proper term is "potential" energy. Kinetic is motion.

If the energy cell uses inertia to store energy, like with a spinning gyroscope, then it could be kinetic.

3629451 Hopefully third times a charm and you're able to stay with it and keep it true along it's path.:twilightsmile:

damn...i liked unity. im thinking of giving this story a try now tho, so dont pull the same thing........:fluttershyouch:if its not too much

3629721 Oh, I will. Like I said, this was is what Unity was supposed to be, so I'm pretty confident this time around.

3629838 i'm curious as to why you made a new one. i didn't see anything wrong with Unity. was it just not up to your standards, or did you just feel the need to rewrite it?

Now, where did I see almost the exact same exchange over almost the exact same magical artifacts? Ah yes, of course! It's been a while, but I recall it...:rainbowwild:
Oh, Flicka, Flicka, Flicka... never change.:derpytongue2:
Edit: I actually found the fic in question. It seems I was wrong in the sense that it's not the exact same stuff. But it also is a high magic council calling BS on a magical battery because it's impossible because we say so. It's very similar but different enough. Derp on my part!:derpyderp1:

Also, I agree it should be potential energy. Kinetic energy applies to objects in motion.

The blue mare above her smirked. “The Board of Arcane Sciences has requested the presence of the Great and Powerful Trixie, so that she may bedazzle them with her amazing magic!” Despite the showmare’s bragging, she still offered a hoof to help Twilight up. The lavender scholar accepted the hoof slightly suspiciously. “You just helped me up after knocking me down. Are you okay, Trixie?”

Ouch, don't mix up two speakers in one paragraph. Put everything after "to help Twilight up." in a separate space.

And your story description:

Once upon a time, the answer to such a question would have came easily to Queen Chrysalis.

Would have come!

You have my favourite!:pinkiehappy:
Keep up the good work!:twilightsmile:

Is that title an intentional reference to a song's lyrics?

Oh it's a remake of Unity? No wonder I remembered reading that scene with Twilight and the Council

Wait..l. uhh its repost or what? I'm completely sure i read somewhere this, especially that with Twilight with dimension pocket and rest of that scene.

3630369 3629922 For starters, Unity simply was not up to standards. Even Valkyrie and Peacekeepers were more popular, and they came later. And... this is how Unity was meant to be written the first time. No rather pointless OC. No too many plot lines that confuse readers. I'm not tying to cram too many ideas into one fiction... Unyielding is already much better than Unity was and ever could have been.

3630116 Made the changes. And what do you mean, never change? Some parts of Unity's first chapter was salvageable. Don't expect that to happen often though.

While this already far better than Unity, I'm still furious that you got rid of Unity completely and replaced it with this, effectively destroying the original... so don't screw this up... :twilightsmile:

Oh, and excellent reference in the chapter title by the way, I wonder how many people will see it.

3630481
Ehh... I meant that you yourself should never change.:derpytongue2:

3630459

I'm glad you are always trying to improve your stories. I stopped reading Unity for those exact reasons.

That said, destroying old work isn't necessary. It's always nice to remember where you came from, and see how you've improved.

Hmm... I like where this is going so far. It's different from what it was before, but still somewhat the same.

And Trixie being a changeling... Huh, hadn't seen that coming. Speaking of which, what is an "Asset" ? Someone who aids the Hive, or someone they want to turn into a changeling?

I get that the board was trying to put down Twilight, but they were about as subtle as saying "you suck" every other sentence. Smug assholes are usually better at backhanded compliments than that.

3630883 They are nobility. They're not supposed to ne subtle. All they care about is making sure the most talented unicorn in Equestria "knows her place".

It sounds like you intend to make this better then Unity. I'll keep an eye on it.
Just please tell me there isn't going to be another case of Twilight having god-like powers but unable to light a candle for fear of destroying the town. As much as I liked Unity, one of the things that always irked me was the talk about how powerful she was, then when she needed to use it she was helpless and others needed to do everything for her.

We will... See.... But judging but all the grammar mistakes I am spotting already in this so called 'remake'.... This story is probably going to fail, very very quickly. Just like Unity. :facehoof: Heck, even the Description has spoilers! It says 2 ponies, but so far they are talking about just Twi, so we already know you going to make Rainbow the princess once again! :facehoof: :facehoof: :facehoof:

I like what I'm seeing so far, and will be looking forward to the rest.

3630993

I understand the intent. I'm saying they don't sound like nobles, they sound like caricatures of nobles.

I think you really need to work on the "voice" of characters in your dialogue.

Already liking this, Trixie the changeling is unexpected but it seems to work well. Also the longer scene with the Arcane Council is definitely better, they fit better now with Twilight's assessment that they really are arrogant jerks.

Added this to my read later... generally this means I'll start reading it once it gets to ~15-20k words or so, or is marked as complete.

D48

I am really liking this new version of the story. You patched out the old plot hole with changelings ignoring their queen quite nicely, and I really like what you are doing with "Trixie".

3630459
Good then i don't remember much from that fic ;p

3631147 I'll overlook your less than pleasant tone because I am in a good mood. However, when I mentioned remake, I meant what I said. Dashie will have a role, of course, but not what you expect. You'll see. And the reason there are a few spelling mistakes is because I don't have an editing team for this one yet (see author's note).

3631110 Nah. Twilight is gonna be godlike, and she'll embrace it.

Dear Princess, I Should Have Seen the Signs

:rainbowderp:
:pinkiegasp:

This doesn't happen to be a reference to Aviator's One Last Letter, does it?

You told me it was a bad idea, and you ignored me.”

Other way around. You don't need editors so much as proofreading. Which... isn't that hard to do yourself... :unsuresweetie: Although there was a part or two that could have been trimmed.

Anyway, not bad so far.

imageshack.us/a/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg

So this is a re-write of Unity in a sense... Cool!

3631880 I call them the same thing, really. I just need another set of eyes or two to catch what I miss.

Hrmm, now that I think about it, I keep seeing this story floating around in various incarnations, if I am remembering its original incarnation from way WAY back when it was called Unity (I think it even had a different name before that was it unity chalice or cup or something like that?), then this story has truly come a long way from its roots, it's almost a fascinating meta-narrative diving into an author's writing process and how intentions, tone, and voice can change over time. It's almost a shame to see the old ones deleted as new ones came out, the comparative analysis of your writing style over successive iterations of a similar story premise would be fascinating.

Still, on to the actual fic itself, if I remember right the original fic was competent, but went all over the place, we had flashforwards to the future, seemingly random power gains, some of which sounded like video game powerups, or plot twists that never went anywhere, and originally an OC was Twilight's counterpart for the titular magic competition, seemingly also being set up as her love interest. That later went away, and was replaced with Rainbow Dash as Twilight's counterpart, and the changelings seemed to serve a larger roll with each iteration, alongside the titular magic competition. The latest incarnation I can remember was the one that got the farthest, and involved a rather unexplained cyborg pony (was this ever explained, I remember thinking it was kind of random since the changelings were never really described as having advanced tech in the story) being Chrysalis' aide, Bon Bon being a changeling who gets set out to bring back twilight. It was fairly focused, until the visiting dignitaries and magic competition gets thrown out yet again (seriously I almost feel sorry for that poor magic competition, it's like the universe is conspiring to ruin it in every incarnation.), and the whole thing started to look a little schizophrenic once Celestia apparently went psycho, and Twilight becoming the changling Queen apparently happens with little description or fanfare.

You seem to list the problems you had with the last incarnation here in your comments so I won't harp on it too much, other than to say you had interesting plot hooks, changling queen Twilight is a classic with some good potential, the Princess Celestia having some kind of weird seemingly artificial hatred against changlings and setting her and Twilight up as enemies has the potential to work if done well, a disgruntled changeling opening Tartarus out of hatred of an outsider queen and trying to muck up an inexperienced Queen's new rule could have also been a fun story, even the Rainbow Dash romance could have been a nice subplot exploring the intricacies of Dash's character and what it means to be loyal amongst so many former enemies and a friend/lover is rapidly changing into something wildly different than the unicorn she once knew. The problem was that all these potentially good stories got piled in either in the same chapter or within a single chapter of each other. Too many problems and story changes too fast tends to desensitize the readers, you can only yank their expectations around so many times before they stop caring about the story and characters. I could go on, but you've yanked the story so all I can really rely on is my own spotty memory.

Which brings us to this current incarnation. Compared to the very original version I can remember, almost everything is different now, but I can honestly say, and it may be too early to judge the fic as a whole, but this is the most consistent and probably best of your various first chapters so far. The extraneous flashforward has been removed, an overall good change, as this particular usage of it didn't seem to serve any purpose other than to set up a big battle scene. The scenes with Chrysalis seem to be much tighter as well, there's a much greater sense of desperation with these scenes, rather than just having her announcing that she's dying to a ruling council body, she is broken and nearly alone, a much more believable scenario for putting Twilight on her throne, rather than her just bullrushing the decision through a still intact changeling society and powerful council body. You've got a changeling Trixie who seems to be replacing both the cyborg pony and Bon Bon at this point in the story. This change works really well actually, you've got one character now filling two roles, she also has a much more established personality, so you don't have to spend nearly as much time characterizing her as you would an OC. She also has a potentially interesting relationship dynamic with Twilight, as they have history so Twilight is much more likely to react to Trixie being a changeling, rather than a background pony she probably has never had a conversation with.

Beyond all that, yeah the magic council in the Twilight scene are dickbags, but the scene works to set up Trixie and Twilight meeting, rather than going through this whole song and dance where previously Bon Bon had to spend 3 chapters hunting Twilight down just so we could get the plot moving. The Twilight scene also brings the changeling plot front and center, rather than having her waste time with a magic competition that never seems to go anywhere. I dunno, maybe you had big plans for the competition originally, but in unity, the thing was pretty much pointless other than a scene where Twilight gets a magic boost that makes her more beautiful, which could have easily just been rolled into the inevitable boost that actually being the changeling Queen would bring. So yeah, the Twilight scene is a good example of this story being much better focused than its predecessors.

The setup with the changeling wars and council going rogue is also more believable, rather than a single changeling who sounded more like a child throwing a hissy fit than a proper villain, you've now got a much more complex political situation that gives a great setup for Twilight actually growing into her role as Queen, as she tries to unite the changeling hives, and prevent them from starting a war in Equestria. Each individual queen now has the potential to be a unique challenge to Twilight, and everytime she wins, she gains a little more of the remaining changelings under her control. This is a much more consistent setup than the original that seemed to arbitrarily divide Equestria with Celestia going insane, and the changeling antagonist (for the life of me, I can't remember her name at this point) seeming to have her own plans. Not that the original story couldn't have worked, but the setup was done way to quickly to properly tell a story of Twilight trying to fend off both Celestia and her Changeling enemies.

So yeah, overall, it's still too early to tell, but comparing the first chapters of your previous attempts with this one; your latest rewrite is definitely the most consistent, and, for me at least, the future potential seems greater as well depending on where you go in subsequent chapters, you've got the beginnings of a good, maybe even a great story here.

3629253 If you're going to give an indepth explanation, don't do it wrong. Kinetic energy is energy in motion. If it's being stored then it's not moving, that's either latent or potential energy.

3631724
You're not making Dashie a Changeling Princess? :fluttershysad:

But that was one of my favourite things about Unity! :raritydespair:

I really, really hope you make her a Changeling Princess like in Unity... And even if you don't, don't say it. I wanna keep my hopes up!

3632364

Aye, I enjoyed that too! Hopefully, she'll make it to royalty here, too, or I might have to write something about it :pinkiecrazy:

>some one beat me to the Changeling Trixie idea
Dammit! and this looks pretty good I'll keep an eye on it

3632364 3633503 'Tis a surprise!


I promise, Dashie still gonna play an important role. Whether or not it is similar to her old role you'll find out when I get there, cuz I'm evil like that. :rainbowkiss:

After all, Dashie is second best pony, and TwiDash best ship.

3632093 Hmm... You have been following the reincarnations of this tale since the beginning. You, along with Kapachu and Assassin, ha! You three have got to be my best followers, or something.

Anyway, in response to that entire post: Unyielding is the direction I should have first taken Unity, but never did. It just took me a while to figure out that out. But now that I've got my head on straight... I'd say this is going to be my best work yet.

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