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All the ponies treat the human as if it was a normal thing.  I think they would be a little more shocked at the sight of a strange new creature that talks and is from another universe.

Alright, this is going to be some honest criticism so if you don't want to know what the reader thinks stop reading now. OK so I'm facing a couple of problems with your writing here, for starters the mainn character seems to smart to be just meeting the story here, he uses terms like flank where an actual human would use a term like thigh to describe a cutie mark. next, the main character seems to unstable, he cried an ran into the bakery hiding his face so the reader would think that oh he seems like a whimp, but then when fluttershy walked in he said that she was cute:ajbemused:this shows that the character is bold and apparently a little to bold beause I know the first thing that I would say to a magical talking yellow pony with wings certainly wouldnn't be "your cute." but then another problem would be that fluttershy is being to bold, granted they would sent fluttershy in but fluttershy is scared around animals like bunnies she would be absolutely terrified of something like a human walking into town, it would be very very strange for fluttershy to act in such a way. Lastly you need to break this section up more, you could make 3a chapters out of how many words you have here, as a reader if I lose my spot in this much writing, due to me accidentally hitting the back or reload button, needless to say I wouldn't be thrilled about going through all this for ten minutes. I would imagine that I missed a few more problems in here but this will give you a good start on your path to becoming a good writer.

You can argue if you want but this is what the reader is going to notice immediately

>>317060 oh I forgot about that, that's the most obvious one

>>317071 I get what you are saying about the rest of it but there is no way you can complain about chapter length. I don't see why you complain about the length of a chapter. Personally, i am a pro long chapter kinna pony. My chapters average anywhere in between ten and twenty thousand words. I jusr cant help but think you were a little, butt-ish, in your "review."

>>317121 well I'm on mobile so when I get a text I have to exit the page and come back on to find my spot. Usually isn't a big deal if the chapters are like 5k words but more then 7k is when it is a pain in the ass

:pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:I read this on fanfiction!

you may remember my user if i reviewed you!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

i am going to track this here since storymarks were nerfed on FFN.

Was his sneeze so powerful it sent him to another world? :rainbowderp:

>>317479 Give the plot time to unfold. It occurred during the instant his eyes closed.

...I just rhymed, didn't I? :twilightoops:

#9 · 267w, 1d ago · · · Sweet Deals ·

>>317060 In a world with dragons, parasprites, 3-headed cerberus dogs, and 4-headed hydras, I doubt a single human would draw massive amounts of attention aside from curious stares. It would probably look less strange than the previously mentioned four. But that's just my assumption.

In my opinion, you have done a fair job with this story.

>>319781 Are there any favorite parts?


I enjoyed how the protagonist and the ponies interacted in their first encounter. For once in the history of HiE fics, everyone acted reasonably. That is very good.

I have to say that this story is great, It's just long enough chapter! I can't wait for more updates. :yay:

>>321170 Did anything in particular catch your eye?

I am loving this. Great job so far.

>>322198 What have you enjoyed most about it?


However, one thing did bother me. Cross species romance shouldn't really be something the main character should be considering in such a short time span. I mean honestly, who falls into a world of sentient horses and thinks considers his romantic possibilities in a world of HORSE-TYPE CREATURES?

It's my belief that if any such romantic encounters were to be considered then they would only occur after a long period of isolation from any other human-esque life forms.

Cause, ya know. A pretty horse is still a horse.

>>323382 When the only sentient beings are equines, you need to keep your mind open.

The pacing is plain uncomfortable (TOO FAST) and the whole cross species pairing is really.....unsettling/sudden/random/self insertion-ish? :unsuresweetie:


He's pretty quick to act then.

god i thought he was going to get some pony action in the end there... :rainbowwild:

All my D'AWWWW's are now owned by you. No contracts, just take them.

>>329476 What drew the most DAAAAWWWWSSSS?:scootangel:

fluttershy win the most DAAAWWWWWSSSS

>>325351 Couldnt have said it any better.

All my love are belong to this! :heart::heart::heart:


I can't wait to read more this story is soooooo good! :raritystarry:

god dammit man. you stole my fluttershy.... :fluttercry: but seriously... this is great. usually HiE fics always end up with god damn rainbow dash as the love interest. im glad to see somebody who shares my interest in her. 10/10!

:raritycry: This is such a beautiful story! :raritycry:

I'm all sniffley right now.... :fluttercry:

Reading this story makes me so happy! This is the BEST story about humans in equestria ever! :heart::yay::heart:

that was great sir. many internets to you. cant wait for the next chapter!:yay:

>Pet the chicken

Ed, Edd and Eddy if I'm not mistaken?

>>331163 I am Ed and I will malice you with a shoehorn!:derpytongue2:

In other words, yes.:ajsmug:


You sir, not only hold the first real clop scene I actually have ever read / will ever read and hold the greatest Fluttershy x Human story I have read. You also hold the title for the person who I think is the most epic for doing all of the above.

well then... i need to find a little filly to murder

poor James, how could he have known? After twilight said that it shouldn't be a problem?

I hope it ends on a happy note too James, I hope so too. :fluttercry:

23k words? I love it! Moar!

Ffff well, certainly did NOT see that twist right there. Very excellent so far though, i like reading these looong chapters. -no sarcasm actually-

haha jesus the death penalty?? thats hard core. hopefully celestia isnt an asshole. and also, is this already written out? 20,000 words in one day sounds like one hell of a lot of work to me. either way, i cant wait for the next chapter!!!

That was nice of him to be so kind to Nightmare moon. She only wanted to be loved and appreciated. :pinkiesad2:

Thank you so very much! You are an amazing writer, and I hope to take your creativity and originality as an inspiration for my own story!

I must say I am enjoying this a little too much!

Death penalty (scratches chin) I have some thoughts on just why that might be in there, but may also be completely off my rocker, so I will keep these lips zipped!

keep the dream alive!

I absolutely loved the way you described the damned, so much emotion and regret from some yet envy and hate from others. Definitely and nice take on the undead! The remnant of Nightmare Moon was an intriguing idea! I had always simply assumed that the darkness was destroyed when Luna was rescued. I never thought anything more of what happened to Nightmare. Makes one think, perhaps even the darkest and vialest of creatures might just desire to be loved! Truly the power of love is a wonder to behold!

Keep the dream alive! Thank you for sharing yours!

Another fantastic chapter. Perhaps NightMare Moon can lend James some assistance!

so the missing element is love?

Ooooooooh I love this story more every time I read it! :pinkiehappy:

>>338076 That's a nice idea, but no. The real Element's title may surprise you.

>>338451 I can't wait to find out! You're doing an excellent job!

Once again, another great chapter. Keep them coming. And do keep James promise of helping Mitta and NNM.

That scene in Sunny Town is almost identical to the Story of the Blanks, the slightly creepypasta game with Applebloom. All I can say is this is an extremely interesting story so far and I'm loving the 10k+ word chapters, it is a nice change of pace compared to the much shorter ones i see all the time.

>>339246 Actually, that Sunny Town IS from that game/story.

>>339297 That much i knew, and you reinforce my point, so both our points stand.

How are you pumping these out so fast? :twilightoops:

Not that I'm complaining at all or anything; I kinda wish you could type fast enough to have a new chapter out by the time I finish the current one. :twilightblush: (takes me about an hour)

I have to say, besides the fact that I find your fic good for reasons I can't put to words, I must also commend you for writing chapters of such length.

I mentioned on your profile that I would start reading it after I got off of work, I couldn't wait then and read the first 3 before going to bed. Due to the stop and go nature of working at a flea market, I don't have a lot of time to read, but nevertheless I was able to use your fic to help ease the boredom. It helps that because of the stop and go nature, reading a chapter at work can take me up to 3 hours; thus reading your fic helped avert committing suicide via boredom and for that I am supremely thankful.

I wish this fic could go on forever for some reason.


After a trip to empty my bladder I figured out the reason.

James is eerily like myself. He and I are both pudgy, have glasses and brown hair and like animals. Also both of us don't really like to resort to violence. I also know I don't like constantly being given free stuff, it makes me feel guilty. There's way more I could describe but it's all jumbled in meh brain right now.

And even without these similarities James is a pretty likable dude from what you've written, and besides everything happening in the story progressing within a ludicrously short time all the characters are pretty in character. I haven't honestly read a part yet where I was thinking that there was no way in hell one of the girls would say what was said.

>>340269 The reason that these are being put out so fast is because I finished them all months ago. There is only one other chapter done so far and I will put it up after proofreading it.

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