Obsession. That's a funny little word. It can mean oh so many things to oh so many ponies. They tell me that I've got an obsession. And you know what? They're right. With what, you ask? Why, that's simple: the Elements of Harmony. I have watched and stalked after them my whole life, only now do they take form.
My Whole life has been one long quest, one long lust, after the Elements. But is it not the powers of Harmony nor the mares themselves that I crave, no. I desire their antithesis: Gloom, Penury, Faithlessness, Facility, and Spite. I shall assign them to the ponies who best represent these forces. Why do this? Simple really. Because I must and because I can. Yet of these two forces the second in the greater; I do this because I choose to.
And in the end history will remember me as a hero.
Cauterium
I'm interested.
A few grammatical and structure errors are scattered about, but it's nothing big. I'd love to see where this story goes.
Also, if you need an editor/proofreader I'd be willing to do it
img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/da81036d0154eb89d6aa15e6d61941ea/http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e4/fiend83/mother-god-meme.jpg
it's you the Stalin of Stalingrad. With a badass chapter to a badass story.
Tracking
316318>>316335
Heh, thanks for feedback! Thing sad, two of three proofreaders Stalin hired had mysteriously diasppeared, si Stalin will be happy to recieve some poofreading help.
Moreover, i shall try to submit story to Training Grounds and ED whence at least 3 chapters shall be readt
It's an interesting basis for a story. Other than some mistakes with spelling, and grammar, it has a good flow to it. I'd also be willing to edit for you, if you like.
319342
Thank you! Somepony is already on it, but i'll tell you if i need help
I shall remake cover soon.
Sorrow, Greed, Infidelity, Falsehood and Spite. Hmm, I think I have an issue with these. I think the opposite of Laughter would be Gloom, not Sorrow, because one can still laugh when one is sad. Falsehood would not be the opposite of Honesty, because Falsehood just means "a lie." You want something like Falsity or Deception. Infidelity is not really a good opposite for Loyalty, because Infidelity almost always means unfaithfulness in a romantic relationship. The better choices would be Faithlessness or Disloyalty. Spite is fine for the opposite of Kindness. I might have gone with Cruelty or Malice, because Spite is often associated with pettiness, whereas the other words connote something stronger, in my opinion. The biggest problem is Greed, because Greed is most assuredly NOT the opposite of Generosity. In fact, one can be greedy and generous (example - I might really like to acquire stuff, money, and fame, but then I give away most of what I take in, or I might make a huge meal and greedily stuff my face, but also generously feed my friends as well). The actual opposite of Generosity is Parsimony, or better Penury (which both mean close-fistedness, or lack of generosity).
323175
I really has been cut out of time, so i just typed in google "Antonym to Generosity", "Antonym to Kindness" ect. I am not very good at english, so i googled it all in russian.... And ran trough google translate 
.
Thank you for your thoughts!
I am going to change it right away! Thanks you for telling me that!
323194
Nyet problem. Mne nravitsya pomogat' russkiie druzya. (Bil student russkovo yzika mnogo let nazad, Izvinite dlya oshibok). Anyway, ne puha, ne pera s tvoiei istorii.
Bozhe moi! This looks so bad typed with the Latin alphabet!
323251
Heh, i get used to translit like this. HORDES of russain schoolkids are constantly assaulting multiplayer games.
Anyway, your russian is good! Too bad that i had to learn english from scratch (videogames), because i studied french in school
323261
Spasibo bolshoe. Mon Français est encore pire que ma Russe, c'est vrai.
I'll just stick to English, I think!
323273
Heh, mon français est pire que mon anglais, afin de mieux vous vraiment coller à la langue du capitalisme
Btw i trying to give a french accent to one of my Oc's, Narcissus. Is it correct?
323290
Well, you definitely went the extreme route in how you transcribed it. I guess the only thing I might change is where you left the beginning "h" on words like "habit," which no French person would pronounce. Also, I usually see just "ze" or "zat" instead of "dze" or "dzat," English speakers might now know how to pronounce "dz."
323313
Thank you! I'll keep that in mind.
Well, ask for a review, and you shall receive!
Reading into the first chapter, I'll admit the general tense of the story somewhat threw me off. I'll admit, it was hard to follow at first with how it was worded in a very unique way, almost present tense. However, I quickly got used to it, and I now love the way it's written. It honestly allows for some interesting details.
As for the plot, it's quite imaginative! I like how it's perfectly balanced in what we're aware of and not aware of. I've seen many a fic come out, try to be mysterious, and fall flat. I've also seen fics where everything is revealed in 10 seconds of the story, and the rest is basically predictable and uninteresting. However, your balance of the known and unknown is IMPECCABLE. I love it! The OCs are also fun, and seem to have plenty of character and mystery to them. Can't wait to see how they're developed as you move through!
As for the ponies (And dragon...) we all know and love, you capture them in a way where they're in-character, but have little bits of oddity to them....WHICH MAKES SENSE. After all, the way Microscope is described, his presence gives off a very odd and enchanted feeling to the mares. This being the case, it likely mires them to a point where they feel...changed, or rather spell-bound. It works well. Incredibly well, in fact!
Finally, for grammar, there are certainly some grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. However, for the fact you don't speak English as a main language, it's an INCREDIBLE job of writing in a different language. I've seen plenty of cases where crossing languages will hurt the effect of the story, but the story stays quite intact in its message and plot! Have to admire that, frankly.
In general, I'm VERY interested! I'll consider tracking, but for now, I have plenty of work to do on fics and little time to read them. However, I'll keep an eye out for yours. It's certainly unfolding very nicely...
Good luck, and I'll be awaiting your promised reviews...
327763
Thank you very much! I shall defenetely return a favor. You can find Stalinview example in the stoy "Long Distance" (adventure). Hope you like it, cuz i gonna make something similliar
Hai there, Stalin. here's my two bits, as promissed:
A sterile white room is filled with faint light, emerging from a strange-looking sphere, which is hovering near the ceiling. The windows closed with black soft curtains. The room cluttered with black furniture, forming a sharp contrast to white walls, floors, and ceilings. In the center of the room stands a table, black like coal. On it, a strange mechanism consisting of several odd-shaped gemstones, wired together and connected by tubes with a big gray box. Pale light reflected on the grains of precious stones, forming a bizarre play of colors. A stallion in a white robe is thoughtfully walking around the room, occasionally glancing at the curb, piled with a mountain of papers. In his mind a thousand thoughts revolve, all of which, however, was always reduced to one. "When?"
"When will my new invention be ready?" asked the stallion to the sterile silence around him. According to his calculations, the activation time of his masterpiece was to occur as much as several years ago. The stallion did not understand why it has not arrived yet. All the processes are stable. All calculations are correct. They cannot be incorrect, he has spent half his life in this experiment. He will not tolerate failure. And he can’t wait any longer. Time to take some decisive action.
The horn of the stallion lit in green. Newspaper on the table rose into the air and flew to him, wrapped in an emerald glow. He opens to a page with a huge picture showing six mares, five of which have shining gold necklaces on their necks, and the sixth, a lavender one, has a crown with a star-like jewel on top. "Discord, the threat to the order of the whole Equestria, is defeated by the Elements of Harmony. Order is restored!" read the article title.
"Ponyville, huh..." read the stallion thoughtfully. "It's time to visit some small town".
Old scientist with a dark, macabre experiment that could cause unforeseen consequences and major disasters? My kind of thing! “That’s a nice noosphere you’ve got there, Celestia…”
"Don’t you remember the last time? When we then had to help ponies repair their roofs afterwards?" The lavender mare teleported to the roof, picked up a piece of paper, and put it in a saddlebag.
Beats me why she simply didn’t use her TK to float it down, risking that the roof might crack under her hooves…
"Just kidding, Spike. Just two heads are better than one," said Twilight. "Try to look for yourself. It’s not difficult."
By that reasoning, hydras would have PhDs, silly Twilight
Spike looked around thoughtfully. The little dragon noticed something creamy-white in a rose bush nearby.
"Aha! I found it!" Spike grabbed something white through the bush. That something turned out to be a leg of a young mare with burgundy mane.
“EEK!” cried Rose. “What do you think you’re doing?!”
“Nothin’, sorry!” Spike quickly released mare’s leg and dashed away, accompanied by a suspicious gaze. Twilight laughed.
Really laughed at the chain of events there... good job.
The stallion is middle-aged. His coat is light brown, and the mane have colors of straw. Black-rimmed glasses are sitting on his nose, through which look gentle, smiling eyes, color of a gold. On his chin is hanging a thin stylish beard. From the stallion breathes kindness, understanding. Twilight noted that he mysteriously attracts her, but she cannot understand why. The stallion approached her and gently bowed.
Hello, hello…
“It that so? Can I help you then?” asked Twilight.
That’s how every problem begins, miss Sparkle… by others taking advantage of the mane six good nature
“Exactly, my little purple friend,” said the stallion softly. “Five elements: loyalty, laughter, generosity, kindness and honesty when mixed together form a friendship. More specifically, the concept of the Ideal friendship. What do we mean by ordinary friendship? A combination of several elements, but the Ideal friendship consists of all five. Combines the five elements of a mysterious sixth. Friendship is Magic, huh ... " The stallion is deep in thought, and the last few sentences are his thoughts aloud.
The elements of harmony as a single entity are bigger than the sum of its parts, basically. This approach pleases me
“He will make a perfect husband!”
Come on Twilight…. He has enough age to be your gramps… I know that he drugged you somehow, but to this level? heh
“Do not worry, dear Twilight. You gave me enough information to continue the investigation,” answered Microscope softly.
“I did?”
Information is a powerful thing... and yet, he acquired it from you by hearing pure abstractions that only held meaning on your own mind, Twilight...
Suddenly, Twilight noticed three familiar figures, lively discussing something under a streetlight. Twilight approached them being undetected.
“Hi girls. What’cha talking about?”
Three mares turned their heads to Twilight. “Howdy, Twilight!” welcomed the mare with light brilliant gamboge coat and pale, light grayish olive mane.
“We are just talking about some awesome guy we all meet today!” said a mare with pale pink coat and dark pink mane.
Twilight being able to sneak up on Pinkie? Sorry, I just can’t buy it…
Twilights shake her head. “Spike, cologne itself isn’t making that stallion lovely... If it isnt enchanted in some way... But i never have heard of that kind of magic, so that one definitely had some charm in him!”
Yes Twilight, disprove ANY magic you’ve never heard of… the outcome will be pretty much the same from “feeling pinkie keen”
The stallion named Cauterium looks at the Ponyville beneath the hill with enigmatic look on his face.
“No one said that we couldn’t help it choose…” said he absent-mindedly.
Ended on an enigmatic portrayal of “Dze bad guyse” and our little skeptical doctor that came with a one-liner at the final… so far, so good.
“No, it’s my vending machine. Of course it is genius! What else could it be?” The stallion replied with irritation.
Beau/Microscope/Cauterium just got 20% more respect from me, hilarious.
“Yes, the abeeleety to absorb any information, and take eet’s characteristics. Truly, a natural wonder, n'est-il pas?” Narcissus said thoughtfully.
“And, now, it is filled with information on the elements of harmony. And now we must find their wielders.”
Informational device? Equestrian noahsphere? heh
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” – said brown stallion with grin on his face.
“No, beau…” The green stallion is shocked. “Eet ees… Eet ees firstborn darkness! Eet ees horrible!” He found himself shaking. The stallion in the black-rimmed glasses looked at him with an ironic expression on his face.
“You are smarter than you look, Narcissus. This IS a part of firstborn darkness.”
“But where deed you get this?”
“I borrowed it from the Garden of the Truth, along with Gems of Clarity.” He said with an evil smile.
“The Truth Brigade has DZAT dangerous thing in the Garden?” The green stallion’s voice sounds like it is coming from the distant past.
The brown stallion just grins before he speaks. “You’re surprised? Those freaks get anything, no matter how dangerous it might be, for their research.”
“But what are YOU goeeng to do with dzees, beau?” Narcissus asked cautiously.
“Just watch.”
hmm… shady artefacts, shady equestrian organizations… things look dark. hehehe.
“Thank you. Now listen to me, Miss Twilight. This stallion is a genius, and a scientist, from the town of Upper Fields, but he went missing at the same time the gems of Clarity disappeared from Garden of Truth. We, the Truth Brigade, suspect him of stealing them. If you see him again, please contact us.” As he finished he looked at Azure. “Azure, dear, would you?”
They might be lax with securing the gems, but at least they can sum two and two to find the suspects…
Twilight throws open a window, allowing the warm morning light to fill every corner of the library. The fluffy white clouds continued their slow march across the sky.
“You see, Spike, the Garden of Truth is the most well-guarded place in all of Equestria.
Perhaps it would be so if weren’t for all those books and ponies that hold extensive knowledge about it…
Azure raised her head and looked at the sky.
“What are we going to do now, Doctor?”
The unicorn shrugs.
“Time will tell. For now, we must continue our search. I hope we shall hit the right track soon.”
Well, you’ve got my interest. I’d like to see where is this going to. The characterization of Cauterium especially pleases me, I must see more from the other OCs before I can judge them, though
What I’ve noticed were some awkward phrasings and some verbs written wrongly, when they should be used in the past (past participle, past perfect… I don’t know the strict rules, but it just doesn’t fit well) I’d advise you to read out loud your story (in english)to check if it does sound well. On the plus side, the narrative is good and fluid… keep on writing, pal.
330363
Wow, that was a hell good of review! I am eternaly pleased, thank you! I shall made a free Stalinview on your Stalker story!
You've done the cover art all by yourself? That's mighty good...
330400
It is not, i made a huge mistake by cutting it like that. I am currently remaking cover.
I REALLY cannot explain how surprised I was with reading this. The summary is interesting but then I read it and BAM, I'm thrown back by a clever set up and, well, it's hard to pick out things I dislike and things I like. Just sort of a general "Damn bro, I want to read it" I apologize I can't give more, but I really don't have much to work with so, after future updates, I shall be able to leave a muuuch bigger review.
Hope for more, Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
330546
Thanks! Same goes for your story! Too bad that it came up in bad time (night in america) so it gets a little of views. You really should submit it in Equestria Daily!
Btw, chapter 3 is almost ready. It shall be done by sunday or so
330552
I actually have submitted it because I really do believe that this is a fic worthy of the front page. Still just pipe-dreams, but a man can dream.
Can't wait for the next chapter, can't wait for next chapter.
can't wait for the next chapter.
OH STALLIONGRAD!
Can't wait for next chapter, can't wait for the next chapter, can't wait for next chapter!
OH STALLIONGRAD!
Oh Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad! Your doing well on your story!
Oh Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad, The Timefather is happy!
Oh Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad, you deserve more views!
Because Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad, your story may be still new but, it's still awesome and COOL!!
Nice Chapter!
Hey there! It took me a little while, but I finally got some time to read this. Seeing as you're doing your thing for my story, I figure I'll do mine for yours...
Opening notes
Greetings! I'm Ezn, writer of ponyfic and occasional reviewer on /fic/. Here's my reviewer statement, full of links to previous reviews and the guide I wrote on writing (which I will be linking to sections of in this review).
I'm all about style and language usage, but I also try to give what feedback on characterisation and plot I'm able to. I'm going to go easy on the technicalities of your language usage because you're not a native speaker and you're having someone edit for you, but I will point out things you might want to change that aren't technical English mistakes.
Chapter 1
Line editing/Running commentary
*Atypical.
Seeing some tense changes here, but I'll assume that's just a language thing and your intention is to write this story in past tense.
That's some very unfortunate wording.
This is fanfiction. We know what the characters look like. I'd recommend just using their names because there really is no need to describe them.
If spellcheck tells you to do this, ignore it. Spellcheck thinks you're talking about Hercules's winged horse rather than a species.
That said, some like to capitalise race names (usually in fantasy - Dwarves, Elves, etc). I personally don't, but what's important is consistency. Either use Pegasus, Unicorn and Earth Pony or use pegasus, unicorn and earth pony.
*Owloysius (according to the MLP wiki)
Be careful with mane cast/OC shipping (if you're going to go down that road). If you don't get it perfect, it will make people hate your story.
...
I'm going to reserve judgement for now, but my Mary Sue senses are tingling.
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (click for what my guide has to say about it). Be careful of substituting descriptors for names/pronouns to often: it gets distracting for the reader. I believe that you should endeavour to always refer to named characters by their names, or by relevant pronouns, unless you're specifically using descriptors for a specific and deliberate narrative effect.
You've used an action tag to attribute this dialogue, so it should be punctuated like so:
>"Please forgive me if I'm taking up your time. My name is Microscope." He demonstrated his cutie mark, depicting a device slightly resembling the source of his name. “I am a scientist from a town called Upper Fields. I arrived in Ponyville looking for you.”
If the verb of the sentence isn't "said" or some equivalent, punctuate as above. Otherwise your dialogue punctuation looks fine, which is sadly unusual in fanfiction.
What wedding? I don't remember seeing any mention of a wedding.
There will never be a good reason to use multiple exclamation marks in a row. Rather than increasing the urgency of Twi's dialogue, they make the story look silly. Such punctuation abuse is best left to trollfics and zany comedies.
It's a good idea to always go with "he said". It's how we usually write it.
If you've put thoughts in italics, you really don't need quotes as well. It's overkill.
Well I learnt a new word today. That said, I'd recommend going with "mustard" instead.
Again, no need to describe characters the reader will already know. That is the benefit of writing fanfiction - you can just start using their names and people will totally be cool with it.
Using single quotes when you need to use quotes inside quotes.
>'awesome'
I do enjoy some silly accent shenanigans with minor characters, but if this guy's going to not be a minor character, you may want to tone it down to avoid annoying people.
He has a name. Using all these different descriptors is a great way to confuse your reader.
That dash has no purpose.
Overall thoughts
Well this is certainly an interesting case. You start by introducing an OC who's described with all sorts of positive words and makes Twilight start falling in love with him, which set off my Mary Sue alarms. Then you go on to have Pinkie talk about how awesome he is, which set off more of my Mary Sue alarms. Then you revealed that he was using some kind of magical perfume to make himself seem charming (a reveal that you foreshadowed properly, very nice) and I didn't really know what to think.
I guess the best thing to do would be to use more description and go more overboard with how you show Twilight falling in love with him. It would also be an idea to make him do and say a good deal more. Have him do some action, and have Twilight be amazed at how well he's doing it (in her warped perspective). Play up how the magical perfume affects her gradually by slowly ramping up her infatuation with this guy, and really ham it up and make it funny, because if you don't, people will think you're writing one of those stories where you have a self-insert OC who one of the mane six falls in love with for no reason.
This is dangerous territory, and there are going to be people who are going to click "Dislike" and close the tab when they see you making Twilight fall in love with some stallion she's just met. It's imperative that you make it clear that you're not actually doing something as unrealistic as that, because a lot of bad writers do that sort of thing a lot.
I don't really have much else to say. On a technical level, this needs major amounts of editing (preferably by a native English-speaker), which you've told me you have someone seeing to, so yay to that!
I'll get to your second chapter as soon as I can. Good day, sir!
The premise is original, but maybe a but hard to believe... I mean- anti-elements... that's kind of a thin ice you're skating on.
You tend to mix the past sentences with present sentences.
The pacing is fine; nothing too rushed, but not slow either! Good job.
I didn't like the fact of "Heart's Voice" and "Conscience Voice" inside Twilight... it felt a bit awkward.
This story has some sort of duality on the descriptions. In some instances, they are plentiful and well done. In others, they lack a lot.
PS: Most of chapter 2 is a wall of text, you could try to use the return key a few more times. It's a pain to the eyes, y'know?
330862
Umm there is no purpouse for MAIN VILLIAN OF THE STORY to fall in love with Twilight. If yo'll read chapter 2, you shall understand
You're slightly misunderstood all of this.
Also i have no OC's here who is not evil in any way here (including ones from Truth Brigade), and Narcissus is not a minor character.
As for errors, first chapter isnt spellchecked copletely yet, so don't pay attention on it yet :)
331187
I'll fix that
330862
Thanks!
Overall, thank you all for your help! Chapter one kis still unedited, chapter 2 is edited better, but a wall of text. I'll make a chapter 3 soon (with new cover), after that i shall do anything to make 3 chapters perfect and then send it on fimfiction
Also, i am aware that i am mixing present and past tences. And i can do nothing about that -_-
332649
Well, perhaps "falling in love" was the wrong choice of words. I basically meant "becoming infatuated by because of the magical perfume". Basically what I'm saying is that it's important that you do as much you can to get the reader to suspect that there's something off about the guy and to suspect that Twilight is acting and thinking under the influence of some magic of his. You have done so to some degree, but I think you could do a good deal more to reinforce it.
Heh, seems like third chapter is the shortest one by far. And as i see chapter 4, it shall be the longest.... Maybe i really should've put part of ch4 events in ch3, but nwhatever
A very interesting concept. Anti harmonius elements. I will be tracking this for sure.
340623
Thanks!
Well i say, Stalin+ good story.
I'll dance for you now
343585
Thanks!
Oh, btw. Seems like i should change so many thing in existing chapters
357417
Soon a full-fledged review shall be ready, and i shall change all chapters drastically, plus new chapter, which shall introduce another oc and show a fighting scene (longest episode by far) shall be ready soon as well
Really good and interesting, keep it up!
357917
Thanks!
Hmmm, well its interesting, someone actually studying the elements. Granted for nefarious reasons but its a good premise. You seem to have created a Mary Stu perfume. Dangerous thought there. More to the point I am not certain its a necessary element to your story. You have a few grammatical errors here and there. "When we then had to help ponies repair their roofs afterwards." You'll need a good editor to fix it up, not for your OC's necessarily; they can be expected to speak in a nonstandard manner since they come from another region, but the Ponyville residents' dialog will need work. Granted this is only chapter one, but so far I am seeing little characterization, other than your descriptions and names I would not know these are the Mane Six talking. Finally, the one pony you featured most in your chapter, Twilight, this depiction of her getting hot and bothered is a bit off. Twilight would only be confused by these thoughts, she barely understands friendship much less lust. Still, you clearly have a story to tell here. I'll continue to the next chapter.
360498
Thanks! As i told before, editing in process. PLUS i shall remade scenes in ch 1 so they shall look more appealing to newreader (i shall give a more clear hints that Twilight is under perfume and such)
A link to a review I did of this story in its current state. Posted in the comments by request.
360498
Agreeing with you, dude. I think that this thing that you said –
– is spot on.
360545
You've REALLY helped me out A LOT here! It's just whati needed! I shall redone existing chapters now. As promised, i'll do a picture of your villians soon
OK, digging into chapter two: I am not going to mention grammar or punctuation issues. Frankly your command of English is commendable since it is apparently your third language and I know you intend to get it edited by an English speaking native. So we'll dispense with that. You are moving your story along, I am beginning to see your plot taking shape and its an interesting one. Your Twilight depiction... still needs work, she comes across as a characterization versus a character. If she was a side character simply interacting with your OC's on a peripheral basis I would not worry, but you seem to be leading up to a confrontation of your bearers of anti-harmony. You'll need to work on them all. Still, you have again captured my attention, both despite and because of the flaws. See you on the next chapter.
369982
Thanks! Also i partially remade chapter one (partually, hell, almost) Check it out if you want
I read though chapter 3, and so far i'm interested. There are grammar errors here and there, and if usual for a story to have those (Plus i've heard English us not your first language)
I have some problems though. I found the paragraphs to be spaced in a weird way, which was annoying to me. But the storyline is interesting, the OC are interesting, and I will be happily waiting for the next chapter.
370242
Tnx! I am currently working on finding the editor. Chapter four is ready but it has not been proofread yet.
Don't forget to contact me when your second chapter shall be ready
This chapter is...ominous.
PREPARE THY SELVES FOR NEFARIOUS SHENANIGANS
373302
I have not exatly understood what yoiu meant but thanks for feedback
“Is dzat your precious device, beau?” – He asked.
“No, it’s my vending machine. Of course it is genius! What else could it be?” The stallion replied with irritation.
This line
Overall feel of chapter...Spike why you so dumb
to infinity
Location of powerful magical artifacts is broken into, your response 'don't worry about it'
373313
He's just lazy :)
373307Oh sorry my sense of humor is kinda weird, let me put it simply
BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES AND PREPARE FOR IMPACT, INCOMING SHIT STORM TWELVE O'CLOCK