Dirge of Harmony

by Stalin the Stallion

Chapter Ten: Post Tempest

A spec of brown as fast as lightning tore upwards and out of the hole in the wooden floor. She twisted her wings around and then sped towards the ground. With a final adjustment of her wings she slowed her descend and gently landed on the floor, right next to a certain pegasus wearing goggles.

“I thought you were down in that dingy little hole. I was havin’ me some fun up here, Gilda,” he said.

She ran a talon though her crest feathers. “Maybe you were, but I wasn’t! That sexist prick down there wouldn’t let me get a shot off on him. I couldn't do a thing to him. So forgiiiive me if I hightailed it outta there like a reasonable griffon would.”

“Wooooh!” Crimson called down from the temple’s rafters.

“Would you shut up!” Cau snapped. “It’s been like this with you all morning!”

“Nah!”

“All of my hate!”

“Yeah, you can count of mine being thrown into the ring as well,” another voice chimed. Shifting his eye, he saw Doc sauntering on up to Gilda and Gear, a toothy grin on his face. “Well now, that was some bell, but whatever goes, goes.”

“And one pony’s loss is another’s gain,” Cauterium replied, taking a step back.

“What a perfect metaphor, Cau. When this is all over, we’re all gonna be the better for it. Well, save for you and your gang of miscreants.”

“I prefer the term ‘all around swell guy’,” Crimson called down.

Cau loudly groaned. “Maybe if you’d come down here, Crimson Thunder, we could get this done is a snap.”

“Nah. I’m the cavalry. When it starts hitting the fan, I’ll swoop down, turn the fan off and probably unplug it, then swoop back up here to brood in the Bat Cave.”

“I... What?”

“Do-not-mock-the-master-plan!” he snapped.

“Don’t you think we should be I don’t know, attacking them?” Gilda whispered.

“Nah,” Gear replied. “Let’s just watch this out. Then we attack like a clever metaphor. Also, I’m doing maths.”

Cau jerked a hoof in the Doc’s direction. “Look at you, you addlepated fool, your body is shaking, your brain and nerves are clamoring for more drugs, aren’t they? You’ve got an addiction to your super drugs, don’t you?”

“Small price to pay for bringing in a monster such as you in,” Doc hissed. “We get you, we win, we ride off.”

“Wir reiten los,” Gear mumbled, kicking a hoof at the ground. “You know, this place is really unstable and we shouldn’t be here, like, at all.” Shrugging to himself, he reached into his pack. “S’pose we ought try to get this over with, mmm-hmm.”

“You should have stayed in Canterlot, Doc,” Cau chided.

“And miss out on all the fun? Why, I’d never dream of it,” the Doc chuckled. “Master, mistress, I’m not your friend, but I’ll be after ya till the end.” Sauntering up to Gear and Gilda, he put a hoof to his breast. “Last blimp missed the go. And ye seven escaped without a goal. Like the N.M.M. mystery.”

“I smell a musical,” Gear muttered, fitting another pack onto his back.

“I know you see it, Cau.”

Cauterium shook his head. “That stars are shining just for money. And your paper tells a story.”

“It feels like dead ponies hate you too, I’d wager.”

“And now another seven’re rising, too.”

Cau laughed. “Don’t you get it, Doc? We are the next Seven!”

“I’m confused,” Crimson said.

Doc waved a hoof at the pegasus in the rafters. “It’s an old joke, you see. Nothing you’d get. Just an affirmation that I’m going to–”

“Up, up, and away!” Gear shouted as he pressed a lever on his new metallic backpack.

“Wait. Wha–” Cau tried, only to go silent as the backpack exploded upwards, propelled by dual nozzles and flying with ballistic intent.

“Yeah!” Gear cheered as his cola-shooting backpack rammed into the ceiling and exploded.

“That...” Gilda looked at Gear, who was still standing besides her and was now soaked to the bone with cola. “...was pointless.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Gear singsonged, pointing up.

“There’s a hole in the ceiling,” Cau muttered.

“Where did the stone roof go? Did it just vaporize?” Doc whispered.

“Uh-uh-uh,” Gear said, waggling a hoof. “Who do you not–” Somepony plopped down on the ground somewhere behind Cau. “Ah, there he is.”

“What did he just do?” Doc asked Gilda. “Wait...”

“Now you see!”

“By the Ninth Level of H–” Cau shouted, only to bite his tongue as he glanced over his shoulder and into the leering smile of Gear. “Crimson!” he shouted, dashing through the temple’s alley.

“Didn’t see that... coming,” Crimson groaned from his position before the temple’s altar. His eyes faced skywards, his legs splayed out, his expression a melange of various muscle twitches.

“It’s just like bug spray,” Gear chirped, “except with ponies and probably a million times worse for the environment. I guarantee you there’s probably already a huge hole in the ozone layer... Wonder if the Princess will notice.”

“Crimson, are you alright‽” Cau demanded as he slid to his knees and up to the named pegasus.

“Pretty sure my veins just exploded. I can feel it in my body... and I’m pretty sure I’ve got pulmonary edema.”

“Wha–”

Crimson groaned, rolling his eyes. “Severe internal bleeding. It means to drown from internal bleeding. Kind of sucks... I’ll be fine. Always am. Always have. Always will.”

“If you had it, then you’d be dead in a few minutes!” Doc called out, and Cau glared at him. “What? My mother was a medical doctor. So what if I’m more of a chemist?”

“I was being sarcastic,” Crimson grunted.

“So was your face,” Gear chimed.

“But I think the soda’s made my wings kinda useless, too sticky. That kinda sucks the big one, I'll admit. But other than that–” he rolled over and jumped to his hooves “–fit as a fiddle.” He pointed at Gear. “Besides, he’s covered it the stuff too. Either way, since I wasn't going to help out so much, they simply took out one of their own.”

“Nah, I’m fine.” Gear flexed his wings. “No damage.”

“Wha–but–how‽”

“Chemicals! The cola didn’t turn sticky until after it got you. The stuff on me?” He shook himself like a dog. “Might as well be food-colored water.”

“Wait! So I’m outta action and you’re good‽”

“Pretty much. Yeah. I’m not idiot; I wouldn't create something that would sabotage me, mate.”

Cauterium groaned. “Know what? I can handle you all on my own! And I won’t regret to be the one who kills you!” He jerked a foreleg horizontally. “Doc, you’ve met the Hunters before, no?”

Doc scoffed. “You can’t possibly have the ability to use that again! You can’t serious!”

“Qu’il le fait!” a voice called up from one of the holes in the floor. “Et il est!”

“Shut up, Frenchie!” Cau snapped.

“Et keeps moi occupied!” he replied.

“So many holes in the floor,” Gear muttered, peering down into one such hole. “Must go a long way down.”

“It does!” Claude bellowed from the hole.

Cau whistled, and everypony looked at him. “Oi, buddies. See these?” He gestured his head to three emerald balls of fire. “Remember?”

“Oh,” Doc groaned. “Where’s Azure when you need her?”

“Down ‘ere!” Narcissus shouted. “Tell ‘er to get off me!”

The emerald balls of fire exploded outwards, hurling themselves at Gilda, Gear, and the Doc. Before they could even yell, the balls slammed into them, sending their bodies flying across the temple.

“Dude,” Crimson said, “that was pretty awesome... Hey, they wouldn’t happen to less-than living, would they? And I don’t mean zombies. Hate zombies.”

Cau shook his head. “They are alive, if a little broken in a few places.”

“Why didn’t you sue that earlier?”

“Et drains too much magic!” Narc shouted. “‘E was stupid to use et!”

“It worked, didn’t it‽” Cau snapped.

“But you won’t be able to do et for some time now, Cau.”

“Deal with it!”

“So, Cau,” Crimson said, “what are we gonna do now? Have we won?”

“Mighty fine question,” a voice groaned from a hole. Jerking his head, Cau saw Tesla standing between the rotten pews, panting and leaning upon said pews.

“How did you get up here?” he asked.

“Ugh! Same way moi did,” Narc said, brushing dust off of his shoulder. “Eew, so much dust!” He blinked. “Um, moi means, ‘e climbed... Pretend dzat moi said dzat very dramatically, yes?”

“That e’erypony?” Claude asked, dragging himself out of another hole.

“Holes! Flee!” Crimson said to nopony in particular.

“How in Tartarus did you all manage to crawl out of your holes at the same time‽” Cau snapped.

“Ninja training,” Claude said, standing up and brushing ihns shoulder of dust. “I was a ninja in my past life.”

“You believe in dze idea of a past life, beau?” Narc asked.

Claude whinnied. “No!”

“Dzen why–”

“He was being sarcastic,” Crimson called out.

“Oh.”

A pause.

“You know, I am still here,” Tesla said, adjusting his collar.

Cauterium smirked. “Oh, do not think that I have forgotten you, Tesla.”

“Can A ‘ave a Scoltish accent?” Crimson called out. “A promise A wonae say t’much, aye.”

“Shut up!” Narc snapped to Crimson.

“So,” Tesla continued, “since only the retard brigade is here, I assume that you’ve beaten the trained professionals?”

“And that means it’s you,” Cau said, “versus I, Narc, Claude, and maybe Crimson if he feels like it.”

“You’re supposed to say ‘I’ after naming everyone else!” Crimson called out. “I can clearly tell you’re don’t speak Equestrian as your mother tongue!”

“You will shut up or moi will make you smell like the perfume department!” Narcissus snapped.

“No!” Crimson shrieked. “Don’t give me war flashback to the days with my mother! She wasn’t abusive, but she always tested out all her makeup on me before putting it on her! Do I look like a monkey to you, mom‽ Do I‽”

“Someone’s got mommy issues,” Narc muttered.

“It’s because daddy never hugged me!” he snapped. “Well, that was because he didn’t have arms because of an accident before mom had me, but it still counts! I want a tragic backstory too! So what if I’m making it up all up‽ I can dream! Fanfillies love ponies like me!”

“So your mom didn’t perfume you and your dad did hug you?”

“The perfume part is kinda true. She made me wear a dress, since mom wanted daughter. I don’t want to talk about it – it doesn’t make for awesome backstories!”

“Yeah, reeeeal crack team you got there, Cau,” Tesla snarked.

“Can it, Tesla!” Cau snapped.

Tesla frowned. “Why do I get the feeling I felt the iron on and inside the dog?”

“What?” Narc shouted.

Just then Claude’s hoof slugged Tesla in the jaw, sending him sputtering to the ground. With a spare more slugs to the jaw, Tesla's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he began drooling.

“Thank Celly he don’t bleed easily,” Claude remarked, shaking a hoof as he stood up and got off of Tesla.”

“Beautiful! All is set and done – victory!” Narc cheered, hopping in place.

“Yes, we have the victory under our proverbial belts,” Cau replied, looking around the ruins of the temple. “Wow. This place really is a dump.”

“You only noticed this now?” Crimson groaned.

“Actually, yes. But it matters not, I know where to go now!”

“Road trip?” Narc asked, poking at Crimson.

Cau pushed his glasses back. “We’re going to Canterlot Federal Prison.”

“Federal?” Narc asked. “I thought Equestria was unitary, not federal.”

“Okay, so I have no idea what it’s called. Happy now?” Cauterium replied. “Federal just sounds scarier. Confederatory sounds silly. Unitary makes it sound magical.”

“But ‘Canterlot Unitary Penitentiary’ (C.U.P) sounds like a place where you do not want to drop the soap,” Narc chimed.

“Wait,” Claude said. “Why we goin’ to a jail, again? Maybe I’m goin’ deaf in an ear or two, but I’m pretty sure that exactly were we didn’t want to go. I mean, correct me if’n I’m wrong.”

“Try to dzink, con,” Narcissus offered. “Where else do we find the cream of dze evil crop ‘ere in Equestria, where everypony ees so goody-goody four shoes.”

“What’s a shoe?” Claude asked, frowning hard.

“Mon point exactly,” Narc muttered, poking Crimson again.

“Quit poking me!” Crimson groaned. “Or at least get me a hose and wash all of this stickiness off and out of my wings!”

“Moi will stop poking you with mon dzings when moi figure out what dzat smell about dzat soda ees.”

“Root beer mixed with the smell of my aunt's mane,” Crimson groaned. “Auntie! Why didn’t you ever use a different condition! The one you were using sucked!”

“Anyways... Compared to the jails of my home country,” Cauterium said, “the prisons of Equestria are five-star tropical resorts... That might have something to do with our normal prisons doubling as POW camps, which we use for slave labor and for janissary armies. But that’s neither here nor there.”

“Ah, dze old countries beyond Equestria,” Narc sighed. “I wonder how France ees doing?”

“Knowing Skantarios?’ Cau chuckled. “France is probably just another conquest of the Basilea.”

“Shame. Too bad moi never liked France. Such a dirty place.”

Claude whistled. “Ay! You two morons wanna stop daydreaming and get back t’the point?”

Crimson added, “And how will we get there to Canterlot? We just gonna walk or something? I mean, I can get there no problem, but y’all? Not fast enough.”

“Have no fear, young Crimson,” Narc chuckled, pulling something out of his mane. “For you see, I have a dzing!”

“Joy,” Crimson groaned. “Winter’s Eve’s come early...”

“Dzis is Spacebreaker – stole eet from dze Cerchens’ very own HQ.”

“Though the tech behind it is sort of incomplete,” Cau offered.

“What does that mean?” Claude asked, cocking a brow.

“Ozer dzan dze fact dzat eet ‘asn’t been tested and probably will explode? Nozing,” Narc chirped.

“Oh my, what a charmer,” Crimson deadpanned. “You really do know how to make us all feel good.”

“But the equations should mean it’s supposed to work,” Cau added.

“What a world’s difference, and such an elegant and assured way of speaking,” Crimson groaned.

Cauterium facehoofed. “Look – it should be safe, since we stole it from professionals and their math is better than my own. The only bad thing we can count on is that the portal we summon will be active for a good ten minutes after use. But its unstable matrix will cause the local area to be flooded with a sort of magical but nonlethal radiation. Entrance to and fro this area will be impossible, but that won’t matter since we have a teleporter. And if my calculations are correct, we should land up near the final two Elements were hunting – which are in suspiciously close proximity to one another.” He took a breath. “Now, any question?”

Narc poured out a bucket of water onto Crimson, who shrieked and rolled about like a dying fish.

“Everzing ees good on dzis side, Cau!”

***

As the flash of light faded, Twilight, the girls, and Spike found themselves standing in the middle of a ruined, crumbling temple of stone. Sprawled all around were numerous bodies of ponies. numerous bodies of ponies around them. There, standing before the temple’s altar, was a large rectangular door, glowing green.

Gasping, Twilight dashed to the one body she recognized most. “Doctor! Doctor Pill! Are you alright‽”

Opening his eyes the Doc groaned. “Been better. Been worse. S’pose this is about average, all things considered.” He began a hacking cough.

“What the hay happened here?” Dash asked, looking around the room.

“Something awful,” Rarity and Fluttershy said in unison.

The Doc groaned. “Twilight, I know what you and the girls are. You need to get out of here before the radiation burns you.”

“Radiation‽” Twilight gasped.

“Dammit, girl! You and the ladies need to skedaddle through that portal and stop that made bastard!... Stop him before even Celestia burns.” He coughed hard. “Forget me! Go! Go, damn you! Go!”

The girls all looked at each other.

“Now, damn you all to Tartarus! Go through the portal The fate of this damn world’s in your capable hooves now!” The doc exploded into a fit of hacking coughs.

“Is that portal that rectangular thing?” Twi asked,

“Yes!” Doc snapped.

“Sorry! I didn’t know!” Twilight turned to face the portal. “Let’s go, ladies!” As she began to gallop, she called back, “We’ll be back for you, Doc!”

“Tell it to my gravestone!” he rasped.

Comments

[Evowizard25]

Perfume department. *shudders* Never. NEVER! GO! IN! THERE!

/Cau replied, looking around the ruins of the temple. “Wow. This place really is a dump.”/ How very perceptive of you Cau. How very much so. In fact you win the award of perception BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOST PERCEPTIVE BEING OF THEM ALL!

Discord: Wow. Calm down. It'll be alright.

Me: No it won't. He's still going on.

And Crimson, if you want a good backstory, go talk to Doofemsmirtz, he'll set you up a good one.
Come to think of it, Doofemsmirtz would make a much better villain than Cau. YES! I WENT THERE CAU! WHAT'YA GONNA DO ABOUT IT, YA FILTHY SQUIG!

You know, I have a very good question...HOW DID THEY LOSE TO THOSE MORONS?!! A hamster could defeat them.

Gear! Don't punch holes in the ozone layer. It could kill us all. That and Celestia's not going to be happy about it. Trust me. Discord was sent to the couch for a month for doing so.

*Discord grumbled*

Oh look, it's Twilight and the gang. It's good to know they're still in this story.
Keep up the good work.

[Stalin the Stallion]

1467837
Thanks! And sorry for delay with art. i will do it after next guy in que

[Stalin the Stallion]

1476174
Thanks for helping us to improve our very first story :D

[benxlabs]

This story would probably be a pretty big success if it was turned into anime...but anyway, what does"“Yeah, you can count of mine being thrown into the ring as well,”" mean? By my interpretation, something is being thrown into a ring that belongs to some person.

[Stalin the Stallion]

1481841
Well, my guess that "thrown to ring" means just making fight. All questions to Crushric though, he's the editor :D

[tdnpony]

...Okay, I know I probably should read before I judge, but I'm already having a hard time seeing how this is gonna work for the bad guys.

First of all, the counter elements embody Gloom, Penury, Faithlessness, Facility, and Spite. The fact that the bad guys all embody those attributes...they'll be a team just waiting to fall in on themselves. I mean, the Elements of Harmony, excluding Magic, are all attributes that would encourage trust, teamwork, and generally the ingredients for a team that can get the job done. If you reversed those elements and put them all together in a team, then what you get is a team full of attributes that would foster strife, in fighting, zero trust, and generally various other emotions that would tear a team apart. So again...the idea ain't working.

[Flame Heart]

1485640
Hey, is this story ever going to continue?