• Member Since 17th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Kamunari


Hi, I'm just a guy who happens to be a dad. I am also a wannabe author who has delusions of grandeur. But my favorite activity is reading and discussing the wonderful stories I read here.

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In a world ruled by a Solar Empress, nine hundred years of forced peace under an Imperial caste system have led to decent in the hearts of ponies. A prophecy of the lunar monarch's return has brought forth a cult dedicated to the downfall of the solar dictator. For a thousand years the Solar Empress has known the key to victory is the Elements of Harmony. But with the banishment of her sister her connection to them was lost. So she has sought out those who could whiled them. Little does she know that as she moves to guide destiny there are those who move in the shadows trying to bring them under the sway of the moon.

With the world primed for war, unknowingly a Princess is sent to find her destiny. But when friends turn into foes and her world view is tested will she remain true to her Imperial mother or will she succumb to the darkness.
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My submission for January 2014 Alternate Universe event for The Cloud Kicker Fan Club and Winningverse Group

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 9 )

My submission for Alternate Universe January 2014

Please tell me more about this contest.

Comment posted by Obsidian Raindrop deleted Dec 26th, 2014

Cloud Kicker and Shining Armor are... :twilightoops:

aww :fluttercry: I always like trixie and shining armor together

3718635
Haha yes the power of political marriage compels you! :trollestia:


3719389
Well well see, Trixie might have issue with the matter. :trixieshiftright:

3720313
yeah but think about the conversation they would have over family dinner.

This story has about 99 more run-on sentences than it should. That little comma key is lonely! Give it some attention!

Seriously though, the run-on sentences in this story are distracting as hell. Even when you do put commas, they're usually where a semicolon or a period should be. That's not the extent of your problems; your grammar is atrocious, your punctuation regarding dialogue is all wrong, and your capitalization is extremely inconsistent. I can't really give you any tips for improving other than to simply pay attention to these things, so on to the non-technical stuff.

Okay, so there's a big saying amongst us authors: "show, don't tell." You do a hay of a lot of telling in this story. Like this:

She found her favorite spot in the canterlot gardens. Under the shade of the large oak tree she pulled out her books and prepared herself for the simple pleasure that came with learning.

Here, you could easily remove that first sentence entirely, and replace it with a single word. " Under the familiar shade of the large oak tree..." By doing this you eliminate a whole sentence of mundane reading, and you still communicate that Twilight comes to this place often.

AJ could see Rainbow’s thought process and knew where it was heading. AJ put a firm hoof on the distraught mare, “Now hold up there sugarcube...

Honestly, you can just remove that first sentence entirely. We should be able to figure that out based on the second sentence and the proceeding dialogue. Also, remember those grammar issues I passively mentioned? Well, there should be a period between an action tag and a line of dialogue, not a comma.

Those are far from the only examples in the story, but it should give you a general idea of what I'm taliking about.

That's all I'll say. I didn't cover everything in this review, but I think I gave you enough to work on for now. Give the most attention to improving your grammar though!

Your Rating: :fluttershysad:

If you don't know, I'm part of a feature called Weekly Watch. This week I'm watching
The Cloud Kicker Fan Club and Winningverse Group, so that's why you're getting a review from me. No offense was in any way intentional; all I want is to help the denizens of this website to improve. Your rating, and others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!

Looks like you got a few comments already. The punctuation around quotation marks could also use a little touch up, but that is a fairly common ailment. The premise of the story is pretty interesting though, and that is always a plus. :)

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