• Member Since 26th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 5th, 2019

Dark Cookie


Comments ( 36 )

You should make a sequel. An actual romance story because this ship is awesome! Had to stop for a minute to type this. Going back to re reading!

A couple of missed punctuation here and there. Otherwise a good clopping.

3639855 Could ya perhaps point them out to me please so I can fix them? :twilightsmile:

God Dammit, you took my idea:twilightangry2:

But in all seriousness this is a pretty good clop one shot. I hope this inspires others to make more of this shipping soon.

3639841 I agree. This is certainly sequel worthy

3639841>>3639991
So true,
And even tho it is short, it's still a fun ride, and I love it..................
So thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:twilightsmile::twilightsmile::heart::moustache::moustache:

3639991
I have to agree and considering the fact that ive seen very few stories involving cherry including this one

Before I read this if I see a pop your cherry joke, I'm going to scream. Just saying.

Ok your safe

What's up with all the anthro lately?

3641085
it's the natural progression of things. pony is not too far from furry and eventually most pony fans (especially ones with a mind open enough to venture into R34 territories) will see that the line is meaningless and the hatred is stupid. Besides, I like my clop anthro, and I can go ether way with non-clop.

Excellent work here. The first CherrySpike clopfic and it's a hit. I'd love to see a sequel to this please.

Max
Max #13 · Dec 17th, 2013 · · 1 ·

3641085 ITS SEXY WHAT ELSE OF AN ANSWER YOU WANT?!

Wow. :pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:

42 thumbs up (and counting), already invited into three groups , not to mention already close to 400 views, and it was only premiered today, to my knowledge.

As Spitfire would say, "That's an academy record!!"

And this is even before I actually read the story.

I approve this ship! :D

Quite a bit better than your Lyra clop, although it's hard to tell if that's because of a rogression of improvement, or if you just do better with anthro.

That said, some good detail and dialogue (Although, for stuttering, I'd suggest a hyphen rather than an ellipses, but that's just me), an interesting pairing, and a fairly decent excecution.

I'd say 7.2/10 overall, but I'll bump it up to a 7.5/10 for the obscure pairing.

i have one request......................PLEASE MAKE MORE FOR THIS:fluttercry::fluttershysad:

3643068 ship it like fedex
Sorry but I had to

3644848 more we demand it or.........CUPCAKES:pinkiecrazy:

Just as two red-necks would say to an Indian and a Korean guy

"THEY'RE MEXICANS!"

Finally! A cherry jubilee fic! Its about damn time!

can u make this two chapters:fluttershysad::twilightsmile::derpytongue2:

3651904 wrong cupcakes:flutterrage: i ment the story cup cakes

3655695 I say ysy to both:rainbowderp:

I guess a sequel to this will need to be done. Didn't think it would get so much praise.

3639872 Ok... Here I go...

Mr and Mrs.Cake

Mrs. Cake

his eyes slowly closed.

(Why this many spaces) **********************************************

The dragon

To help you with chapter breaks, use [center] on the left side, and [/center] on the right side to center it on any screen on any device.
It looks like this in the editor:
[center]**********************************************[/center]
But looks like this in the story:

**********************************************

(If you can't see the difference, scale the window widthways.)

The buildings were much like the ones in Appleloosa most

Appleloosa; (Missing semicolon)

signified the place of being a shop or bar.

signified the place as a shop or bar.

Spike shrugged and walked a little the train platform to retrieve his luggage. Once he retrieved his luggage he waited around the platform for this friend of Applejacks.

Spike shrugged and went to retrieve his luggage. Afterwards he stepped off the train and waited at the platform for this friend of Applejack's.

Ponies walked around-> <-either just

Double spaces.

Ponies walked around either just enjoying the beautiful day or going to a shop

Cue William Turner: "That's not good enough!"

Try:
Spike fashioned the biggest of his luggage bags into a seat as he waited for this pony. He took in the atmosphere that Dodge Junction seems to radiate. The country folk happily living out their day, either delivering goods to their stalls in the town square for sale or partaking in the hustle and bustle that is brought about by the markets. He also spied the odd couple off in the distance lounging on the dunes in the distance enjoying the warmth and scenery of the desert.

Th earth pony wore

The

her mouth to speak "You

Missing comma.

to help me." All Spike

," all

"Nice to meet Miss Cherry"

meet you Miss

She said swaying

said, swaying

very hardworking and true gentledrake

and a true

Now, that scene in particular, when the two begin their dialogue, could be much much better. Especially when you take characterizations into account. Let me show you.

She smiled, opening her mouth to speak "You must be Spike, the one that Applejack mentioned was going to help me." All Spike could do was nod as he stared at the mare, he found her quite beautiful. She continued on with her country accent, "I am Cherry Jubilee and the boss of Cherry Hill Ranch."

The dragon shook his head holding out a hand greeting the mare, "Nice to meet Miss Cherry"

She shook his head, "Likewise Spike, but please you can just call me Cherry or Jubilee which ever you prefer."

Spike gave a nod as she walked past, "So follow me so I can show you where you will be working." She said swaying her hips unintentionally as she walked. The dragon doing as he was told, his gaze on her hips. As she started to talk again, "So Spike, Applejack has told me much about from the letters she has sent. She said you're very hardworking and true gentledrake." She looked over her shoulder catching the dragon staring at her, noticing where his gaze was at before he looked away quickly.

"Well....being raised by Twilight can help do that for you..." Spike responded.

What Cherry says at the beginning doesn't really feel all that much like Cherry. Without changing much, this is what it could look like with proper characterization of the mare.

She smiled, opening her mouth to speak, "Well hello there darlin', y'all must be Spike, the one Applejack sent ta' help me," all Spike could do was nod as he stared at the mare, he found her quite beautiful. She continued on with her country accent, "Mah name is Cherry Jubilee, and I run the finest Cherry ranch this side of the county!"

You need energy when writing Cheery Jubilee, energy, hospitality, and southern... ness...

Also, the one thing you're missing with Cherry's meeting with Spike is a welcome... The one thing that country folk never forget to do is welcome their guests. So! I recommend rewriting the whole scene like this:

Noticing the young dragon's staring the country girl decided to begin with introductions, "Well hello there darlin', Mah name is Cherry Jubilee and welcome to Dodge Junction," she seemed to yell out the town's name with pride, oddly enough, some of the ponies around the pair cheered and hollered at the name of their fine town. Spike had little time to wonder on this as the mare continued with her introduction, "You're speaking to the mare who owns and runs the biggest and best cherry orchard this side of the county! Pleasure to make your acquaintance!" She held out a hoof for Spike to shake, but she didn't seem to get a response from him. Spike was slightly stunned but the sheer amount of energy radiating from this beautiful mare, it almost rivaled that of Pinkie's.

Wait... 'beautiful' mare? Where did that come from?

Finally noticing the hand floating in front of him he shot out his own hand to meet the handshake, "Uh... M-my name is Spike..."

"Y'sure are! Y'all must be the dragon that Applejack mentioned in her letter, you're here to help me around the farm for a time ain't ya."

"Um... yeah..."

"Well, up and at 'em Spike, I suppose you'd probably want a tour of your new workplace, come along then darlin'," with that, she walked passed Spike and down the steps out of the train station platform and into the town proper. Spike couldn't help but focus his attention on her alluringly swaying hips and gently swishing tail. "Anyway, Dodge is mighty busy during market days so you'd want to-" before she could finish her sentence she looked back behind her and noticed that Spike wasn't following her, "hun, you'd might want ta' start walkin' any time soon."

"Oh... Right... Sorry..." He stood up, grabbed his luggage bags and followed this arousing mare through the town.

"So, in this here letter, Applejack mentioned how astute and hardworking y'all are. 'A true gentledrake' if I'm not mistaken."

"Yeah, something like that. When growing up with a part librarian, part bookworm, part tornado, you will eventually get really good at cleaning and organizing."

I'll stop me right there before I rewrite the entire thing.

Before characterizing with characters we already know, (E.g. Cherry Jubilee and Spike) you really need to flesh out their characteristics and mannerisms. Not only does it make them believable, it also makes them connectable.

Anyway, back on task.

Which reminds me you

(Missing comma) me, you

you will be staying with me in my home while you here working with me

"This sentence ain't big enough for two of us."

"...you will be staying with me while you're here in Dodge."

or something" He tried to argue.

something," he

boss now should you." She gave him

you?"

"Alright." he sighed in defeat

"Alright," or "Alright..."

building was at two stories

'Cherry Hill Ranch' on the other

Ranch'. On

house. Which

house, which

Cherry Hill Ranch. Showing him

Ranch; showing

press of button with move a

of a button will

The inside of her

Double space.

was clean almost looking Applejack's

clean and almost looked like Applejack's

near the couch and

-_- Double Space.

which ended the two

which in turn, led

a hallway that two doors

that had -or- with

you are finished and ready

finished unpacking and are

down." she smiled

down,

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sorry, I think I have to end it here. I grow weary and lazy. I might finish this off later.

Although, most of these problems can be solved by copy/pasting it into Word for a spelling and grammar check. Correct the things I have found first, then put it in word, then I'll look over it again.

As you can see, you have tonnes and tonnes of mistakes, but they are rather minor. Also the promise of clop later on can speed up a person's reading, so they skip over any small mistakes.

You have to make sure you proofread your own work, like myself, I proofread this comment at least 3 times before I posted it... Then I edited it one more two three four five times after it was up.

Yay 100th like. Very worth the read!

3657097 fucking grammar nazi

4937374

fucking grammar nazi

Fucking Grammar Nazi...

Although, that can be up to contextual analysis. If you were pushing for an insult, it should be:

You fucking Grammar Nazi.

If you were aiming for an exclamation out of fear or surprise, it should be:

It's a fucking Grammar Nazi!

If you were simply stating a fact, you'd write:

This guy, is a fucking Grammar Nazi.

Or perhaps if you were asking a question, you'd have typed:

Is this a fucking Grammar Nazi?




Grammar is important as it stipulates on important facts and enables the reader to pull a better understanding as to what you are trying to convey in your writing.

Also, if you'd held onto your dick for a few seconds before you sloppily jizzed on the screen like that, you would have noticed that the author fucking asked me to scrutinise his work... I reacted based off a request.

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

4951833 When you notice that this is the fucking Internet and not your goddamn English class, it really helps a lot. If you are so paranoid about spelling, be a fucking teacher.

4953939

When you notice that this is the fucking Internet and not your goddamn English class, it really helps a lot.

It would really help if you realize that this is the fucking Internet and not your goddamned English class.

The syntax of this sentence was just awful, and 'goddamn' is an exclamation, not an adjective.

If you are so paranoid

pedantic

Paranoia refers to the fear of a delusional possibility or mistrust of people, pedants, like myself, are crazy about detail.

about spelling,

grammar

Your grammar is terrible, but your spelling is fine.

be a fucking teacher.

you should be

Although just 'be' on it's own works for syntax, it sounds better if it was 'you should be'.



Now, before we continue, I'd like to direct you to subsection 14 of the 'Rules of the Internet'. If you would be so kind as to follow this link and become familiar with that particular section, you would find it enormously beneficial, methinks.

3657097 Hm finally got around to correcting those mistakes. Thanks, for pointing them out for me. :twilightsmile:

Can you do one about Spike and Harshwhinny?

5563084 I was planning on it. :3

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