Dark Cookie
Joined 26th Jan, 2013 ·
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Shipping 💖11,669 stories ·9,738 members
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You should make a sequel. An actual romance story because this ship is awesome! Had to stop for a minute to type this. Going back to re reading!
A couple of missed punctuation here and there. Otherwise a good clopping.
3639855 Could ya perhaps point them out to me please so I can fix them?
God Dammit, you took my idea
But in all seriousness this is a pretty good clop one shot. I hope this inspires others to make more of this shipping soon.
3639841 I agree. This is certainly sequel worthy
3639841>>3639991
So true,
And even tho it is short, it's still a fun ride, and I love it..................
So thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3639991
I have to agree and considering the fact that ive seen very few stories involving cherry including this one
Before I read this if I see a pop your cherry joke, I'm going to scream. Just saying.
Ok your safe
What's up with all the anthro lately?
3641085
it's the natural progression of things. pony is not too far from furry and eventually most pony fans (especially ones with a mind open enough to venture into R34 territories) will see that the line is meaningless and the hatred is stupid. Besides, I like my clop anthro, and I can go ether way with non-clop.
Excellent work here. The first CherrySpike clopfic and it's a hit. I'd love to see a sequel to this please.
3641085 ITS SEXY WHAT ELSE OF AN ANSWER YOU WANT?!
Wow.
42 thumbs up (and counting), already invited into three groups , not to mention already close to 400 views, and it was only premiered today, to my knowledge.
As Spitfire would say, "That's an academy record!!"
And this is even before I actually read the story.
I approve this ship! :D
Quite a bit better than your Lyra clop, although it's hard to tell if that's because of a rogression of improvement, or if you just do better with anthro.
That said, some good detail and dialogue (Although, for stuttering, I'd suggest a hyphen rather than an ellipses, but that's just me), an interesting pairing, and a fairly decent excecution.
I'd say 7.2/10 overall, but I'll bump it up to a 7.5/10 for the obscure pairing.
i have one request......................PLEASE MAKE MORE FOR THIS
3643068 ship it like fedex
Sorry but I had to
3644848 more we demand it or.........CUPCAKES
Just as two red-necks would say to an Indian and a Korean guy
"THEY'RE MEXICANS!"
Finally! A cherry jubilee fic! Its about damn time!
can u make this two chapters
MOAR!
3645838 YAY CUPCAKES
3651904 wrong cupcakes
i ment the story cup cakes
3655695 I say ysy to both
I guess a sequel to this will need to be done. Didn't think it would get so much praise.
3639872 Ok... Here I go...
Mrs. Cake
To help you with chapter breaks, use [center] on the left side, and [/center] on the right side to center it on any screen on any device.
It looks like this in the editor:
[center]**********************************************[/center]
But looks like this in the story:
**********************************************
(If you can't see the difference, scale the window widthways.)
Appleloosa; (Missing semicolon)
signified the place as a shop or bar.
Spike shrugged and went to retrieve his luggage. Afterwards he stepped off the train and waited at the platform for this friend of Applejack's.
Double spaces.
Cue William Turner: "That's not good enough!"
Try:
Spike fashioned the biggest of his luggage bags into a seat as he waited for this pony. He took in the atmosphere that Dodge Junction seems to radiate. The country folk happily living out their day, either delivering goods to their stalls in the town square for sale or partaking in the hustle and bustle that is brought about by the markets. He also spied the odd couple off in the distance lounging on the dunes in the distance enjoying the warmth and scenery of the desert.
The
Missing comma.
," all
meet you Miss
said, swaying
and a true
Now, that scene in particular, when the two begin their dialogue, could be much much better. Especially when you take characterizations into account. Let me show you.
What Cherry says at the beginning doesn't really feel all that much like Cherry. Without changing much, this is what it could look like with proper characterization of the mare.
You need energy when writing Cheery Jubilee, energy, hospitality, and southern... ness...
Also, the one thing you're missing with Cherry's meeting with Spike is a welcome... The one thing that country folk never forget to do is welcome their guests. So! I recommend rewriting the whole scene like this:
I'll stop me right there before I rewrite the entire thing.
Before characterizing with characters we already know, (E.g. Cherry Jubilee and Spike) you really need to flesh out their characteristics and mannerisms. Not only does it make them believable, it also makes them connectable.
Anyway, back on task.
(Missing comma) me, you
"This sentence ain't big enough for two of us."
"...you will be staying with me while you're here in Dodge."
something," he
you?"
"Alright," or "Alright..."
Ranch'. On
house, which
Ranch; showing
of a button will
Double space.
clean and almost looked like Applejack's
-_- Double Space.
which in turn, led
that had -or- with
finished unpacking and are
down,
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Sorry, I think I have to end it here. I grow weary and lazy. I might finish this off later.
Although, most of these problems can be solved by copy/pasting it into Word for a spelling and grammar check. Correct the things I have found first, then put it in word, then I'll look over it again.
As you can see, you have tonnes and tonnes of mistakes, but they are rather minor. Also the promise of clop later on can speed up a person's reading, so they skip over any small mistakes.
You have to make sure you proofread your own work, like myself, I proofread this comment at least 3 times before I posted it... Then I edited it
one moretwothreefourfive times after it was up.Yay 100th like. Very worth the read!
3657097 fucking grammar nazi
4937374
Fucking Grammar Nazi...
Although, that can be up to contextual analysis. If you were pushing for an insult, it should be:
You fucking Grammar Nazi.
If you were aiming for an exclamation out of fear or surprise, it should be:
It's a fucking Grammar Nazi!
If you were simply stating a fact, you'd write:
This guy, is a fucking Grammar Nazi.
Or perhaps if you were asking a question, you'd have typed:
Is this a fucking Grammar Nazi?
Grammar is important as it stipulates on important facts and enables the reader to pull a better understanding as to what you are trying to convey in your writing.
Also, if you'd held onto your dick for a few seconds before you sloppily jizzed on the screen like that, you would have noticed that the author fucking asked me to scrutinise his work... I reacted based off a request.
Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.
4951833 When you notice that this is the fucking Internet and not your goddamn English class, it really helps a lot. If you are so paranoid about spelling, be a fucking teacher.
4953939
It would really help if you realize that this is the fucking Internet and not your goddamned English class.
The syntax of this sentence was just awful, and 'goddamn' is an exclamation, not an adjective.
pedantic
Paranoia refers to the fear of a delusional possibility or mistrust of people, pedants, like myself, are crazy about detail.
grammar
Your grammar is terrible, but your spelling is fine.
you should be
Although just 'be' on it's own works for syntax, it sounds better if it was 'you should be'.
Now, before we continue, I'd like to direct you to subsection 14 of the 'Rules of the Internet'. If you would be so kind as to follow this link and become familiar with that particular section, you would find it enormously beneficial, methinks.
3657097 Hm finally got around to correcting those mistakes. Thanks, for pointing them out for me.
Can you do one about Spike and Harshwhinny?
5563084 I was planning on it. :3
perhaps
this fits to