Luna's Lover

by _twilightprincess_

Luna's Lover

Luna’s Lover

Everybody thought nobody loved Luna. Actually, so did she walked the streets of any town, ponies hurried into their homes. They were afraid she was Nightmare Moon. However there was one stallion who loved her.

That stallion was Comet Tail. He was her royal guard. Whenever he accompanied Luna, he always wanted to tell her, to tell her that he loved her. However, he was afraid. Perhaps so afraid that he barely had the courage to salute her when he saw her. Comet Tail was a beautiful stallion. He had a white coat and a golden mane. His cutie mark was a pen. Before he was a royal guard he was a writer. Comet Tail was almost an anonymous writer. Only a couple of his friends read his books. Though, when they did, they said he wrote so passionately.

One night he was talking to his friends. Comet kept on asking them what do they do when they fall in love with a girl. They all responded the same: “ You just go talk to her.” “ Not as easy as it sounds.” Responded Comet Tail. Comet Tail realized something. He was very skilled at writing. The stallion decided he was going to write her a letter. That night, he stayed up to write it. It read:

Dear Princess Luna,

I know you think that nopony enjoys the marvelous show you make every night. However there is one stallion who does. That is me. Since the day I signed in as a royal guard I was blinded by how beautiful and majestic you were. Everyday I tried to tell you how I feel, but I never had the guts. I was misunderstood just like you. When I was younger I always used to write. Poems, fairy tales, legends, didn’t matter. However everypony else was playing outside, while the small little colt I was stayed inside and wrote. I wrote day and night. People thought I was a freak. Oh well, that’s enough about me.

Your starts. Your stars are the most beautiful things ever. I will become one soon. For I am going to die next week. Please princess, tell me, will you take care of me?

I love you,

Comet Tail

As Comet Tail wrote the last sentence, a tear ran down his face. He left the letter on his wooden desk. He gave the letter to the messenger pony, who was now delivering mail to Princess Luna. Comet Tail know that it would take a long while for Luna to get to read his letter. He might die until she reads it. That was what he never told anyone. That he was dying.

The messenger mare entered the throne room. “Your mail, princess.” “Thank you. You may leave.” The mare left. Luna started go through the mail. The letter written by Comet Tail.

Meanwhile, Comet Tail was walking in the Canterlot Castle Garden. He felt a sudden pain. He collapsed on the ground. Comet Tail took three deep breaths and then passed away. No one was there to see him. To help him.

Luna was still going through mail. She read one last letter. Comet Tail’s letter. After Luna finished reading, her face was filled with tears. She rushed to the royal guards to ask where Comet Tail was. The guards had no idea. She asked the guards how he looked like. “White coat, golden mane,” answered a guard. Luna remembered. When she first returned from the moon and transformed back into her normal self, there was only one stallion who stayed near her. IT was Comet Tail. Luna flew through every room, searched every corner of the castle. Heck, she searched every street of Canterlot. But then she realized, she hadn’t checked the Canterlot Castle Gardens. She flew at top speed and got there in a second. There Luna saw on the grown a white stallion with a golden mane, laying cold and lifeless. Luna just knew it was Comet Tail. She rushed him to the hospital.

There a dozen of doctors tried to bring him back to life. Hours passes. Tension grew. Luna’s sadness was getting bigger and bigger. The only stallion that loved her, even though she threatened to grip Equestria in permanent cold. He still loved her. After hours of terrible pain, Luna got the bad news. The doctors tried to bring back Comet Tail but he was dead long before she brought him in. Luna’s eyes swelled up. She burst into tears. However, she knew there was no time for that. She took Comet Tail and placed him on the ground. She waited for a bit. Suddenly, a star appeared in the sky. It was Comet Tail. Luna placed him in the most beautiful place in the sky. In the middle of a beautiful picture made of stars. He shone the brightest. Luna could swear she could hear “Thank you,Luna,”. Luna took Comet Tail to the graveyard. There she buried him. She brought the most beautiful flowers she could find. After lowering the moon she went to bed.

In her sleep, she dreamt that she was with Comet Tail. They were walking in a field, a flower field. Luna told Comet Tail how much she loved him and that he meant so much to her. Comet Tail told Luna that he will always be with her. “Whenever you will close your eyes, dear Luna, I will be there. You do not have to worry. If you ever feel lonely you can always close your eyes and I will be there to support you. I know you are strong and you are capable of so many things. You do not have to mourn me forever. I will always be watching over you, However that must not make you never love again! I want the exact opposite! I want you to live a happy life Luna, a happy endless life!” Luna smiled. She knew Comet Tail wouldn’t leave her. The next day Luna raised the moon and talked to Comet Tail. She talked to him, by closing her eyes.

She did this every night until one day, when she met a stallion. Comet Tail was looking over her, happily.

Author's Note:

Please do tell me how this turns out. First time doing this.

Comments

[JadeHarley]

Well, you need a bit of work on things, like for one the entire story was in bold lettering, not sure if that was on purpose or a mistake. But either way, don't do it. also, some sentences are too short. another thing I caught:

Your starts. Your stars are the most beautiful

Your stars* (it says Starts, not Stars)

Annyyy way, you've earned yourself a like from me.

[BOM]

Fist off would just like to say that I think you have some good ideas and I did enjoy reading this.

But there are a couple of points I think you should work on. First off is spelling and tenses, some of them are all over the place

'Comet Tail know that it would take a long while for Luna to get to read his letter.'

'knew' not know.

I would recommend reading your work out load a few times literally word for word to help pick up on these issues (works for me) or get a family or friend to proof read it.

Lastly one lesson that has always stuck with me is; 'show don't tell'. Try to show the characters emotions and actions, don't just flat out tell the audience as it makes for dull reading and leaves little up to the imagination. Sometimes you do have to tell the audience information or an emotion, otherwise the story would be a mess. But as a rule of thumb it works well.

Hope I have helped and good luck in the future.

[darkstone57]

A very sad but good story. I liked it. Good do with a couple of tweaks but I liked it.

[_twilightprincess_]

Hey guys! Thanks for the comments. I had a few typos here and there, but that is because I was writing at 12 o'clock in the evening. And you must keep in mind I am from a non-english speaking country and I am doing my best. The bold letters were a mistake. Forgot it on that setting from when I wrote the title.
Next time i'll proofread.

[mlc894]

Overall, I really like this story! The ideas in this fic are poignant and help keep the story moving. The letter in the middle and the monologue at the end are very well-done!
Some constructive criticism: I can summarize the biggest problem with this fic with the old adage, "show, don't tell". What I mean is that, after the scene with the letter, most of your sentences just tell me what is happening, without any sort of input from Luna's point of view.
We never hear her thoughts, and don't get to experience the panic that she feels as she is searching for Comet Tail. Imagine the potential of the scene where she searches for him, but in vain! Upon each new location that she covers, the knowledge that Comet Tail needs her and that she might be too late claws at the edges of her attention! What about that cold, sinking feeling once she finally does find him, laying on the ground? All of this is literary gold, if you can use it! A good rule of thumb is, if you can let me know something is happening without the narrator telling me that it happened, do it.
You seem to have a lot of potential and some really good ideas! I'm excited to read what you will do next! Followed!
-------------
I noticed a few typos: I'm not sure which ones you've already seen.

Your starts. Your stars are the most beautiful things ever.

I think you meant stars.

Comet Tail know that it would take a long while

I think "knew"

He might die until she reads it.

I do believe you meant before she reads it.

She asked the guards how he looked like.

I think "what he looked like"

There Luna saw on the grown a white stallion

I think "on the ground"

There a dozen of doctors

Delete "of"

she could hear “Thank you,Luna,”.

More of a technical thing; the quotation should probably look like this:

she could hear "Thank you, Luna."

They were walking in a field, a flower field.

Perhaps "They were walking in a field of flowers"?

Hours passes. Tension grew.

You probably meant "Hours passed".

IT was Comet Tail.

I really can't think of why you should capitalize the T in IT.
Also, make sure to keep the verbs all in the same tense!

[Dude With No Life]

I like the premise. However, some more character development for Comet would be nice, as well as more details on just what happened when he died. Just saying that he did doesn't convey much emotion.
And from a technical standpoint, you need to be longer with your sentences. Many of them were only a couple of words, when it would be smoother with more. That's not to say just fluff it with useless stuff, just read it and see if it's choppy, or if it flows.
Even if you want to do a silent story with no dialogue, use thought. Use something to convey what the characters are feeling and thinking. That's the key to a good story, is being able to relate to and connect with the characters.
Anyway, good luck with future endeavors, and if you wish to bounce ideas off of me, I'd be more than happy to help!

Love and Tolerance,
DWNL

[Blobskin]

Is it supposed to be in all bold? Or is that just me?