• Member Since 10th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Tofty


Just another brony with a passion for tall tales.

E

When Twilight confesses her love to her close human friend, it becomes clear that the species barrier is standing firmly in the way... but is that the true source of the problem?


A short something I thought up ages ago and could never be bothered to write. Please point out any errors and I'll correct them as soon as possible. It feels good to be writing again! Also, if anyone can come up with some good cover art, or better yet a decent title (this is kind of a placeholder for something a little better) then give me a shout, anything is appreciated.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 42 )

Hmm. Written pretty well, but- it isn't really a story is it? It's a scene. Perhaps an ending, perhaps a beginning, or even a climax, but a scene nonetheless. I could say that you were being extra meta and trying to leave the reader hanging like Twilight, but even that doesn't work because there's no real investment, as there seems to have been on Twilights part. If you changed it to where it was obviously a sudden fleeting crush I suppose that might work, but then again, that would cheapen the emotion you're trying for.

A shot? BULLSHIT I sir, demand a sequel.

3598924 Thanks, and you're right in that it is more of a scene, well you're right in everything you've said really. I'm one of those people who just can't write anything substantial, it begins well and then wanes away. My original vision for this was supposed to be something of a play on a lot of human x pony romances, as I feel most of them see only the species barrier as a problem, and with that out of the way they'd go around and go out with every pony who asked, if that makes sense. With that in mind, I think my original short little comic scene would be more in tune with what you're saying, maybe? It just kind of evolved into this.

3599435 Maybe, I want to get a bit more of a reaction to this first, good or bad, to see what I can build on and then may write a short sequel or epilogue etc., but thank you very much for showing interest and support!

Plz make a sequel and longer pleeeeaaaasssseeeee

This seems to me like a snapshot into something bigger, i believe that you could easily get back into your groove by continuing on with this! I know i wouldn't mind that at all. Good job!

My feels! My feels! They're everywhere!

Well, it's nice to see a few more comments and thumbs up, haha.

3604751 3605349 I'm definitely considering writing more, even if this hasn't been as well received as I had hoped, I'm still quite happy with it, but I might need a little time to come up with the direction to take it in. Thanks for the support!

3607749 I can't believe this is how the story turned out, haha. Can I ask if you thought Twilight's confession was fitting to her character and personality? I think it turned out alright... :twilightblush:

Yes I will I thought it was well thought out and amazing it was very sad at the end though but we'll thought out but maybe make it the it the opposite in the sequel where he says yes and all luv and stuff but still very we'll thought out story

3608877 Thanks very much! :twilightsmile: I'll consider that, maybe I'll do what you said and make a sort of alternate ending and continue it from there, or I may continue this and write about the aftermath of the big reveal, I'll think about it. Anyway, thanks for the quick response :heart:

You are very welcome :D

You are very welcome oh and quick question I'm on iPhone and i can't can't figure out how to follow any solutions?????????

3609672 Sorry, I went to bed... I reckon the easiest way would be to go to my user page and press the follow button on there, thanks :pinkiesmile:

3608705
I do indeed believe it was in-character. Well done, sir!

Whelp I'm kinda new on iPhone so yea and thx

Regarding your author note, I actually think you succeeded; as a one-shot, it's a bit of a dark/tragic comedy, but a comedy nonetheless. It does seem like a rather amusing parody of several of the usual tropes.

3635115 Really? Even I don't see it that way anymore, haha. But thanks nonetheless, it's always nice for feedback, especially when it's appreciative :twilightsmile:

Just hoping to get some more likes because that red bar is a little daunting, puts people off reading it.

3636992
There's a certain number of dislikes inherent to having an HiE story, and more for having an HiE story with romance in it, even a parody of the genre like this one. As you get more readers, the like bar will grow a lot faster than the dislike one.

I honestly couldn't help but find it funny towards the end. I've seen many different approaches to the species-barrier question, from completely ignoring it to "lure of the forbidden" to wall-of-text introspection to genuine character development and growth (and oh what a rare joy that last one is). I've never once seen a story say "it's not the species barrier, it's just you"; that got a genuine laugh from me. Props for novelty.

3638494 I certainly hope so. :pinkiesmile:

Thanks again, that's what I was going for in the first place, even though it took a bit of a darker turn at least in my eyes, at least some people got a laugh from it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I havent cried this much sine pacific rim when the blew up all the monsters. but all in all really good, shame u jumped to the scene straight of the bat thou would of been a good story

I actually have to say that this is definitely a dark comedy. I mean, of course it's sad, it's supposed to be sad, but the guys thoughts make it a comical piece. This story is a good one piece in the fact that it's a single, short, moment. HiE stories are alright in my book, it's just the ones that make it sculpted perfectly and make their characters almost demigods or make the fate of the world rest upon them. Yours is nothing of the sort. Yours is a one shot that completely shatters what I'm sure many were thinking. :rainbowlaugh: I mean, I kinda thought, "So, someone's making Twilight fall in love with a human character in a one shot?" :twilightangry2: When I saw the dark tag, however, I was intrigued and was pleasantly surprised.

I sir, enjoy this, so much so that I will like it.

Now I demand a sequel.

3649291 3649128 3648141

Thank you all very much, it's always good to get feedback. PandaKing, your comment was rather useful as you seem to have a somewhat different opinion to others (I think), but you're right in what you said, despite the sadness it was still supposed to be a little funny and somewhat of a joke, and it's nice to know you thought I was original. :twilightblush: One question, what dark tag?

3653674
Sorry, I meant the sad tag. :rainbowlaugh: Also, don't mention it. The story was good and I just gave my input on it. :pinkiehappy:

This, oh boy, this.....all i got to say is that thats some damn fine parody son. And yeah, as an admitted reader of far ore HiE romances then i really feel comfortable admitting too, i must say ive only really seen the "its not that your a pony, you're really just not my type" kinda thing, like maybe once.
Honestly, now i can't help but want to see this idea expanded upon, sure as a dark humor one-shot it works really well, but id acually really like to see a story about a human in equestria trying to let a mare that likes him dow gently (maybe also trying to avoid being labeled as "xenophobic" about dating ponies)
But yeah, this is brilliant and was very much needed, excellent work :raritywink:

3697197
Thank you very much, as I've said it's nice to see that the original message (if you can call it that) and intentions of the story managed to shine through for you. Although half the comments on this story are mine, a few have asked for some expansion of this story and this idea, so I'm definitely considering writing something more substantial, it's finishing it that will prove a problem. As always, thanks for your input. :heart:

Holy god this is depressing.:fluttershyouch:

Good job:yay:

3852487
Thanks :rainbowlaugh:
Spread the word!

Wow. That actually hurt me a bit. Poor Twilight...

Great story, though. Makes a change from most of the HiE romance short fics. :pinkiehappy:

4850339 Thank you very much, wasn't expecting this story to ever be read by anyone again. That was what I was going for, trying to make a short and concise parody/mockery of the typical interspecies romance conflicts. Thanks for the support! :twilightsmile:

D48

Well, that was fun. I really liked the direction you took this in since it is something you basically never see on this site, and the execution was fantastic. I particularly liked the way you injected his thoughts into the sequence of events to show the rising realization and panic that he was going to have to shoot her down, and Twilight felt spot on (at least for her early season characterization before the idiot writers made her a Mary Sue) as well. Really my only complaint was that the errant thought about him being interested in Fluttershy felt a little generic so it might be good to swap her for a background pony or secondary character to make things a little more interesting and make him feel more immersed in the larger world, although it's a tiny detail so it doesn't really matter either way.

8108606 Thanks! Wow, not far off three years since this got any attention, I know the like to dislike ratio can be imposing and put people off reading it. I'm glad you found something fun in it, it was intended to be something a little different from your run of the mill HiE short, and I'm glad you liked my characterisation of Twilight, though it may not be too accurate these days. But, it was written in 2013 and conceived even earlier so I think I did okay. Anyway I appreciate your kind words, I'm definitely more of a reader than a writer but I appreciate the support and the follow nonetheless, have a nice day. :twilightsmile:

D48

8108652 No problem, and to be honest the age is a big part of why I read it. The vast majority of what gets written these days dives into the crappy new material headfirst like they've never heard of setting a story earlier in the show, so I've been focusing more on older stuff lately to get around that.

8108663 I stopped watching the show religiously in late 2014, I made a few attempts to catch up in 2015 but stopped watching completely after the background pony episode. But in the past 2 weeks, me and a friend decided to try and catch up on the show mostly as a test of endurance by marathoning a season at a time. I was quite surprised, I've re-watched season 4 and finished season 5 and now that I'm not too invested in the show at all I have to say I found them by and large enjoyable, I just enjoyed them as discrete episodes. They'll never compare to the glory days of seasons 1 and 2 but what can you do.

I still read fimfiction regularly though, and I feel like the quality of writing and level of originality has gone down somewhat within the HiE genre (which is what I almost exclusively read these days), but that's what's to be expected I think. Anyway I'll let you get on with you day, thanks for dropping by.

D48

8108683 Heh, that's about the same as me. I think I watched one more episode after that and I didn't do the marathon you did since I'd rather spend the time on a gaming binge with my new computer than slogging through the rotting carcass of the show, but it's still about the same place for both stopping watching regularly and dumping the show entirely.

As for fimfic, I think the declining quality here is directly tied to the show. Bad source material generally hurts inspiration, and far too many writers are blindly following the stupidity rather than remembering what the show was and writing the characters as they should be. The other big problem is that standard psychological traps apply, so a lot of formerly great writers drag themselves into the stupidity because they don't want to admit to themselves that the show has gone to shit. To make things worse, the mindless fanboys that are an inevitable part of any fanbase attack anyone who points out the show's flaws which has demotivated and driven off a lot of other great writers, so it's really not surprising the quality and originality has largely died. I was actually thinking of starting a big story myself around the season 3 timeframe, but by the time I got through the planning and world building needed to lay the groundwork for it season 4 happened and killed my motivation.

8108923 I've been trying to write something substantial for years, I planned out a reasonably long and quite serious story (albeit with comedic elements) but in almost 3 years I've only managed around 10k words. I tend to be overly critical of my own writing which makes it very difficult. Ultimately I think I'm only really good for coming up with story ideas as opposed to writing them down and fleshing them out. I want to keep writing at the minute but I know I'm only fooling myself into writing as a way to procrastinate my dissertation away, haha.

Anyway in regards to the show I agree to an extent. Call me optimistic, but I like to think that even if what the show puts out isn't that great the nature of fanfiction allows fans to take the new stuff from the show, even if it's not that great, and incorporate it into a good story and put their own twist on it. For example, I thought the season 3 openers with King Sombra were God awful, I thought he was the worst villain to appear on the show; but there are a lot of stories on this site that make good use of him as a villain and flesh him out in a way the show never could in the confines of an episode or two. Just my take on it anyway, I feel that quality and originality (mainly originality) will naturally drop over time purely because all of these stories are set in the same pre-existing universe. You can only go so far with the same characters in the same universe before it either gets old and stale or you have to really go out of your way to make it fresh. I do definitely agree that generally speaking bad source material hurts inspiration and drives aspiring writers away from our corner of literature though.

D48

8109267 Yeah, I know how that goes, although on the plus side you got farther than I did. I may have written something like 10k words as well, but mine was pure notes with no actual story. :rainbowlaugh:

That said, some of this comes down to priorities. I may want to write, but there are a lot of other things I also want/need to do so there's really no way everything is going to get done, and commitments like that dissertation of yours have to take priority.

As for the show, I both agree and disagree with you. While it's true that sometimes you can use bad content to create something good as in the case of Sombra, a big part of the problem is that the writers are frequently closing off opportunities rather than creating them. The best example of this is the recent shit with the changelings where the writers destroyed a ton of opportunities by burying what was previously interesting and open ended material with a lot of room to do amazing things in under a mountain of new stupidity, but it's hardly unique.

8109716 Yeah my priorities just cannot allow for me to try and write a full fledged story at the minute. Also I hate my dissertation, it's due in 3 weeks and I've just found a huge error, luckily my supervisor hasn't caught on so fingers crossed I can blag it and get away with it, either that or absolute failure. :moustache:

And I suppose you're right about the writers, I agree to an extent. I haven't started season 6 yet though so luckily I've still not seen the changeling episode, I've only heard bad things so far...

D48

8109786 Well, good luck with that dissertation then, and I would say you have already watched all the season 6 episodes you should. :rainbowlaugh:

8111048 Well, meeting on Monday, if my supervisor doesn't figure it out then I should be safe. Anyway once I finish this year I'm going to catch up, judge the rest of the show for myself I think.

D48

8111218 Fair enough, and good luck in your meeting. It'd probably be smart to actually fix the problem, but I get the feeling that would require basically starting over so there's really no way to do that.

8111580 Good news, I had an epiphany and realised I didn't do it wrong, yay...

D48

8111613 Oh good. It sounds like you should be fine then. :rainbowlaugh: Good luck with the rest of that process, and hopefully you'll have time to do things you want soon. :twilightsmile:

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