• Member Since 21st Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 28th, 2019

Brony_Falcon


My friend Dasher made me into a brony. I used to hate mlp mainly because of commercials. After I found out about Vinyl Scratch, I started liking the series. SERIES NEEDS MOAR VINYL!!!

T

Richard Alvarez and Chris Muller were travelling around New York, trying to brainstorm new ideas for videos that they could post on YouTube. While they were walking, they found themselves falling into a hole. After their fall, they found themselves in a colorful world full of talking ponies. How did they get there, why are they there, and how will they get back?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 11 )

Not bad... the only thing I have a problem with is that it was never explained how Maria found out about the portal that happens to be in New York or how she knew it would only allow three humans, but other than that I have no problem with this so far. The spelling and grammar are fine, the characters are a little bland at the moment but they can be explained in more depth later, and the fact that the portal is actually something that can be explained is good. I am also drawn in by the end where Matt says he knows a pony who has wi-fi. I can think of a few ponies that might have it from other various fanfictions and I'm curious to see if its one that I am thinking of or another that I have not. So far I give it an 8/10

(P.S. nice choice for the song there at the end, I can listen to that for hours.)

3593238 thanks :D I'm always updating my story, so check back sometime for more

(I never thought I'd say it...) Thanks for the dislikes, guys. I already know that my story is shit, so don't be afraid to dislike it. At least I'll know if my story got a genuine critique or not.

Okay..... that all just happened.
Eeyup:eeyup:

Alrighty.

Jumping right on into this... Pardon my straightforwardness.

I'm going to start with the first several lines.

They're all dialogue, which gives us a bit of insight into the characters' personalities. Only thing, actions are never explained, nor speaker clarified.
It all just goes by addressing. That can be... uh... rather difficult to follow. Aside from that, the lack of initial setting is a bit of a throw-off as well.

Richard Alvarez was about 5'8" tall, had black hair, a black goatee, and light-brown skin, wore square glasses, a New York Yankees cap, a black shirt that read "RichAlvarez" underneath a pixel man with square glasses, and blue jeans.

The first paragraph is really just a description. Aside from that, the sentence above is a BIIIIT long. Try cuttin' it up, slap a period here and there. Run-ons can really kill the flow of a story.

In terms of grammatical errors, there were very few, if not none. Good job. :pinkiesmile:

But, be careful of those videos between some of the paragraphs. Those completely murder the story's flow. If you must add videos, I recommend links to the videos (in parentheses, say?) so that the reader can choose whether or not they want to see them.

Now, onto terms of the storyline.

It feels awfully... rushed. Things seem to go flying by, some with no real explanation. I, personally, love when that image forms in my head, and I can even see the character's expressions as they talk, or walk, or argue. I imagine this story took time to make, but make sure you're open to going back in, and rereading. I've gone back into my stories countless times, and every time, I've found something to correct.

Otherwise, it wasn't all that bad. Sure, the "Humans Go To Equestria By Accident" idea has been overused, but really, people have such a stereotypical idea of stories that have been spread through the public "too much", that they don't give some stories a good chance. (Excuse my run-on sentence.)

I'm not one for "star ratings". I'll just say this: Your writing style is good. You use adjectives quite nicely, and the story, while a bit shaky some points, did flow. Just slow down a bit. Make sure the reader can see "the thick, poofy clouds, lazily floating across the semi-clear sky." A really good way to make sure a story flows well if a prereader, or proofreader.

...You'll have to excuse my incessant rambling. I can get carried away... :twilightblush:

Potential is evident,
-Time Centurion

3667499 I don't mind the rambling; it is your critique, after all.

I decided to make my own HiE story and try to transform it into a story that passed by environments that the guys ddn't really pay attention to. Most of the time, they'd have conversations, with the exception of the whole Derpy incident where they started singing. The party was pretty much a blur, up until Matt's conversation with Fluttershy, which is when they were taken back by Julian, or Gray Snake. The description of him in pony form was pretty much the description of who he acted in the SMB series. He wore gray gear, had a lot of weapons on hand, and his name was Snake. It was kinda supposed to be a random venture into Equestria and back to Earth. Also, the randomness factor was increased at the end, so overall it was a pretty random story.

3667841
Well, there are some who can appreciate a random story, and then there's the rest, who shoot them down on sight.

Everyone different, no one the same, eh?

Heheh.

Potential is evident,
-Time Centurion

3667860 you said it, pal. :D

Hahaha! :rainbowlaugh:
This is my first time reading a random fanfiction, and I like it! :rainbowkiss: it was funny :yay:

3667499 Holy celestia, another reviewer?!!?

3667499 ... looking back at it (and I don't even have to), I have to agree with you on everything you said. The story consisted of quite a few run-ons, and despite it being over 3,000 words long I still managed to rush the story way too much. I've improved my writing style, so I can see that this story needs a lot of touches. I'm not even sure I can remake this one with another story remake in the works. Plus, most RichAlvarez stuff kind of went through with the purpose of action and comedy. I barely gave anyone the right character development, so they became an autistic mess.

I'll give my own story a rating. 1.5/10.

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