Rich and Chris's Portal Coincidence (EDIT: New Ponies)
"Hmmm...what about the 'Luigi vs. James Marston' clip we showed at the end of the 'Mario vs. Batman' video?"
"Chris, you know as well as I do that we can't actually make the fight look epic. Besides, the winner would obviously be James Marston because Luigi would run away like a coward."
"Good point, Rich. We could make another 'Nerds in the Morning' video."
"Do I look like I'm in the mood to give stuff away just because some person's comment was the best?"
Richard Alvarez was about 5'8" tall, had black hair, a black goatee, and light-brown skin, wore square glasses, a New York Yankees cap, a black shirt that read "RichAlvarez" underneath a pixel man with square glasses, and blue jeans. He had a body that resembled that of Mario. He wasn't very good at coming up with ideas.
Chris Muller, however, could think of plenty of ideas for skits to post on YouTube. He was about 5'10" tall, had brown hair, wore a grey shirt, blue jeans, and an expression that showed he was thinking hard. His body had the resemblance of Luigi.
The debate went on for several hours as they walked the streets of New York. It was the usual debate of which video to make, why they should make it, and how they can make it more awesome while keeping a comical side to the video. Today, however, something was missing.
"Hey Rich, where's Matt?"
"I dunno, maybe he went to get a corn dog and headed to his parents' house." Richard lied. He knew something happened to Matt. He had been missing for a few days, so something was definitely up.
Matt was the comical relief in the group. He resembled Chris almost completely, but there were a few minor differences. He made a great Wario in the "Stupid Mario Bros." series. He always came up with ways to make funny blooper reels for the videos they were trying to shoot, whether by accident or just for the fun of it. Without him, the group had trouble coming up with great ideas for videos.
Out of the corner of his eye, Chris spotted something glowing dark-blue in a dark alleyway. "Rich, I think you'd better take a look at this!"
They both headed toward the light, and entered the dark alley. The light made a few popping sounds, and the light intensified, nearly blinding the two. When it seemed the light would be noticeable throughout the neighborhood, it quickly vanished.
Both of them stood there for about ten minutes, wondering if they were hallucinating. Rich was the first to speak. "Well, I'm gonna head home. You coming, Chris?"
Then out of nowhere, a hole appeared underneath them. They could only fall and scream and see where the hole would take them, if they made it down alive.
"DO YOU STILL HAVE A RECORDER OF SOME SORT ON YOU???" Richard yelled.
"YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD NEED ONE!!!" Chris replied.
"THIS IS PROBABLY GONNA BE THE LAST TIME WE EVER RECORD ANYTHING!!!"
At that, Chris took out his iPhone and started recording.
"What took you guys so long?" A familiar voice asked.
Chris was the first to wake. "I don't know what you mean, Matt. Where have you been all this time?" He was still trying to process what just happened. "Are we in Heaven?"
Just then, Rich woke up. "graahh...where are we?" He then noticed Matt laughing. "Matt? What's so funny? And where have you been?"
Matt was still recovering from laughing. After his laughter died down, he said, "Welcome to Equestria, guys."
They both looked at him in confusion. "Equestria? Where the hell is that supposed to be?" They both asked.
"It's in a different world from where we live. My cousin's mexican friend's sister's uncle's friend's daughter is a pegasister, and she knew where the portal between Earth and Equestria was. I never really believed in this kind of stuff-"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down a little bit, Matt," Richie interrupted. "What's a pegasister?"
"Oh...right, you don't know." Matt let out a sheepish giggle. "See, a pegasister is a girl who loves everything about 'My Little Pony.' Maria told me that she'd take me to a world full of magical talking ponies, so I had to assume that she was a pegasister."
Both Chris and Richie looked at him in shock. "Wait a minute, how would you know what to call people who love 'My Little Pony?'" Chris began. "Or did you make it up?"
Matt frowned for a moment. "I've never told anyone this--and if you tell, I'll have to kill you both. Got it?" They both nodded quickly. "--...I'm a brony. In case you don't know, a brony is a guy who loves 'My Little Pony.' That's why I came here." An awkward silence filled the air for about ten seconds. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We planned a party for you guys. Wanna come?"
Chris and Richie stared at each other in disbelief. Richie forced himself to speak. "Uh, no. I wanna get home as soon as possible. Any idea how to get back?"
"Uh, about that...see, the portal closed when you two were brought here. Maria also told me that the limit for the number of humans passing through to Equestria was three, and I don't know how to get back, so we're definitely f**ked."
"WHAT?!!" Chris yelled. "But, how are we supposed to record our Wii U gameplays now?"
"Don't worry, Chris. I got it covered." Just then Matt pulled a Wii U system out of his backpack. Rich and Chris could not believe their eyes. "I also know somebody...er, somepony, who can't get enough of electronics. She even has wi-fi! How cool is that?"
Rich then stood up. "Well then, what are we waiting for? We've got a party to go to!"
Matt then smiled. "That's the spirit!" So the three started walking to the party. On their way there, they spotted a gray mare carrying a mail bag. Her eyes made the three of them break into song.
"Good thing my phone's not broken," Chris said, finally breaking the silence after the song was over.
"Actually, it was broken when you landed. I had 'V' fix it since I knew she loved working with electronics," Matt replied.
"Who is 'V'?" Richie asked. "Is she the one you said has wi-fi? I'm about ready to make more let's plays of 'Super Mario 3D World'."
"You'll get your chance, Rich. For now, we have a party to go to. And 'V' is just a nickname I gave her so that you guys could figure out her name on your own. And yes, she does."
Chris spoke up. "It's Vinyl, isn't it?"
Matt looked at him in surprise. "H-how'd you know?"
"I kinda read your diary the other day, and found nothing but 'My favorite pony, Vinyl Scratch', 'Electronics and dubstep make her the awesomest DJ in the world', and the rest were drawings of, um...you...doing stuff to...who I assume is, uh...her," Chris said hesitantly.
Matt's face turned completely red after hearing his little story. "When were you gonna let me know about this?"
"Wait, you knew he liked 'My Little Pony', and you never told me?" Rich asked.
"I didn't want anyone to know your deepest darkest secrets, Matt. And I didn't know who Vinyl was, I thought she was just a pony he made up, Rich," Chris replied. "Anyway, let's get off the topic. I'm gonna delete the video we made earlier."
"No, I want to see it," Matt replied quickly. "Give me the phone, now."
Chris refused, but Matt quickly snatched it from him and watched the video he had just tried to delete. After a few minutes of trying to hold back, he started rolling on the ground and laughing hysterically. "You...seriously thought...you were gonna...die?" Matt managed to say between laughs.
Rich and Chris did not like this one bit. "Gimme my phone, dipshit," Chris said, snatching his phone from his hysterical friend. "We have a party to go to."
"You guys...really need...to loosen up," Matt responded, still recovering from his laughing fit. "Oh, I almost forgot. We should go to the party in costume, that way we can have a little bit of fun with these ponies. They already know me, which will make this party so much funnier." Matt reached into his backpack and took out three costumes. The first one was his good old "Stupid Mario Bros." Wario costume. The next costume he took out was Rich's Mario costume. Last, he took out Chris's Luigi costume. They changed their clothes, and were on their way to the party.
The trio arrived at a building that looked like it was made entirely of candy. Rich and Chris stopped and looked at it in shock. They both said the same thing: "Are you serious?"
Matt replied, "No, this is Sugarcube Corner. It'll take us a little while to arrive at the party, and knowing Pinkie, she's probably not here. Less drooling, more walking."
They were hesitant to keep walking, but they did so, fearing they would be stuck there. The next building they stopped to look at was one that looked like a carousel. Richie was the first to speak. "Seriously, what is with these buildings?"
Matt simply responded, "Yeah, this is Rarity's place. She's a tailor, and her designs are amazing! Okay people, start walking!"
"But you never answered my question!"
"I said 'Start walking!'"
Rich looked at him in frustration, but did what he said.
"Here we are. Twilight's treehouse. Man, get a load of that bass," Matt announced.
"Again, what is with these buildings?!!" Rich responded, clearly angry from his question being ignored earlier.
"First, these buildings were the imagination of the man who made the series. Second, get used to it," Matt replied, showing off his own anger. "And third, don't mention a thing about this place being a cartoon. Now get into character, guys."
Rich and Chris stared for a moment, not knowing what they should say. "Uh, perhaps getting into character is a bad idea," Chris stated. "We would definitely make a lot of mistakes, so perhaps we should just be casual."
Matt laughed in his Wario accent, then realized how cheesy it was. "Maybe you're right, Chris. Let's just go. And remember, don't tell anybody about my secret. I wonder what songs she picked."
Matt opened the door, and found everypony dancing, hanging, or drinking. "I'll meet you guys later. I'm gonna go hang with a few of my favorite ponies," Matt said. Rich and Chris stared at all of the ponies, mouths agape. Suddenly, a pink mare with a mane that resembled cotton candy appeared in front of them.
"HI, GUYS!!! MY NAME'S PINKIE PIE!"
"GAH!" Rich exclaimed, surprised by the sudden appearance. "Are you trying to give people a heart attack?"
"Nope, just wanted to say 'hi!' Ooh, are you guys new here? You must be, because I know everypony in Ponyville. But you're not ponies, though. WAIT, LET ME GUESS! You're Richie and Chris, the humans Matt was expecting, am I right? I'm never wrong, so join the party, guys!" Pinkie replied. And with that, she bounded off to join the rest of the partygoers.
The two stood there, mouths agape, trying to process what just happened. "Well, what are we waiting here for?" Chris finally said. "Time to party!"
"I take it you don't talk a lot?" Matt asked a pegasus with a yellow coat and flowing pink mane.
"Um...not really," she said, almost whispering.
"Well, you should talk some more, Fluttershy. Don't be afraid of my friends or anypony else. Why don't you go ahead and talk to them? At least give them a chance before you flee."
"Well, if it helps..." Fluttershy then walked cautiously toward the guys in red and green.
"Ahhh, now I can relax and listen to the music," Matt said to nopony in particular. He never got a drink since he didn't have the right form of currency. Instead, he decided to just listen intently to what Vinyl picked out. Sometimes, she would even mix two records. It wasn't until ten minutes later he heard his favorite song.
He waited for so long to hear this through Vinyl's speakers. Once the drop hit, he was almost blown away. Literally. He managed to cling to the bar to keep from hitting a wall, but he enjoyed every moment. He was disappointed when the drop was over, but he immediately smiled and clung to the bar again, bracing himself for the next drop. "THIS...IS...AWESOME!"
Suddenly, Matt heard a knock at the door. "I got it." He ran to the middle of the room before the bass dropped and flung him to the door. He quickly regained his footing and opened the door.
"Hey, Matt! Glad I found you," a familiar voice said. Matt looked at the pony, knowing he hasn't seen this guy before. He was a pegasus with a dark-blue coat, white mane, and light-gray eyes. His cutie mark was a handgun and grenade. "Get Richie and Chris. We have to get out of here."
Matt stared at him in confusion. "I'm sorry, who are you?"
"For now, call me Gray Snake," the pegasus replied. "Get Richie and Chris like I said earlier."
Matt didn't hesitate, and went to fetch his friends. "Rich, we gotta go."
"Do you mind, Matt? I'm having a conversation with this wicked awesome pegasus," Rich replied.
"Aww, you didn't have to say all that," the pegasus replied. She had cyan fur, a rainbow-colored mane, and a cutie mark shaped like a thundercloud shooting a rainbow-colored lightning bolt.
"I see you've already made a friend, but we need to go. See ya later, Rainbow Dash," Matt said, dragging Rich to the entrance. "Now I just need to find Chris."
"I think I spotted him talking to some yellow mare with pink hair," Rich replied.
"Thanks, Rich. That helps a lot." And with that, he looked for Chris and Fluttershy.
"Chris, we need to go."
"No can do, Matt. I'm living with Fluttershy," Chris replied.
Matt looked back and forth between the two. "Wait, are you two dating now? How'd you manage that, Chris?"
"Yes we are, and I have a way with tapping in to my 'Luigi' side."
"That makes things harder. If Fluttershy wants to go with you, then bring her. If she wants to stay with her friends, you might have to leave her behind. One day, we might come back."
Chris just nodded. "Fluttershy, you have a decision to make. You can come with me or you can stay here with your friends."
Fluttershy thought for a moment. "I'd rather stay with my friends...I mean, if that's alright with you. I barely know you, but I've known my friends for a while, so I think it'd be best if I stay."
Chris nodded, then proceeded to follow Matt, sad that she decided to stay.
"Alright, Gray Snake, what do you want?" Matt asked.
Gray Snake just nodded and replied, "Follow me."
The three followed him out of town, where Gray Snake slammed his forehooves down. The three stood there in shock, staring at a portal that glowed dark-blue; the same color of the light that drew them in to the alley. "Come on, guys. Just jump through the portal, and you'll be back home." With that, the pegasus jumped through. The three followed him through, and were surprised to see the pegasus transform. He had brown matted hair, wore a blue shirt with black stripes on the shoulders, blue jeans, and a gray headband.
They arrived in the same alley that they first came in. "JULIAN?!!" The three exclaimed.
"That's me. Now, let's get the hell out of here before that portal swallows us again." And so, all four of them ran out of the dark and depressing alley. "Okay, here's the truth: Maria and I are space jumpers. We can jump to any dimension we want, and transform into any being we want to be."
"Wait, you could go to any dimension you wanted, and you never told me?!!" Matt said, anger showing.
"The problem is, me and Maria are interdimensional fugitives. The IPO are still after us, so go home while you can."
"No," Matt replied. "Take me back to Equestria."
"I'm afraid I can't. The IPO will hunt you down, too. Now go home. If they see you with me, they'll be after you, too."
"No, take me back to Equestria. Me and Fluttershy promised we'd be together," Chris replied, furious.
Julian stared at him in thought. "I suppose I could turn you into a pony of your choi--"
"PEGASUS!" Chris exclaimed. "Since Fluttershy is a pegasus, and we're dating, I don't see why I can't be a pegasus."
"Alright, we're all set then. He's the only one going back because he has already made a deep connection with somepony." With that, Julian snapped his fingers, and a light-green light engulfed Chris.
When the light dissipated, what stood in front of them was a pegasus. He had a dark-green mane, light-blue coat, and light-green eyes. Julian then stated, "You need to go now, before the portal closes. Oh, and you'll need a name."
"My new name is Parallel Pastures, but I'll have to inform everypony that I'm Chris, first."
Chris then started galloping (he had a little practice when he was young) toward the alley they had exited. He disappeared into the portal, and the portal closed.
"It might not be enough to publish, but I can at least finish it some other time," Matt said, saving his story and turning the computer off. How in the world did I even come up with the name 'Maria'? Must have been because of the 'mexican friend' part... Julian's been with us for a while, but now I feel like I can't really trust him. Damn, I'm good at making stories. Maybe later, I should work on how they became criminals. He then turned to look at his diary. "No one will ever find out about my obsession with you...Vinyl."
He then exited his room and continued his life filming random shit for him and his friends to post on YouTube. What to write...
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PonyThunder · 4k words · 525 5 · 7.2k views
- Salted Pingas · 4.1k words · 85 5 · 3k views
- xXCondemnedSoulXx · 9.7k words · 263 12 · 11k views
- RunicTreetops · 3.1k words · 352 9 · 6.4k views
- h4ns · 470k words · 194 50 · 6.7k views
- thewaffler · 37k words · 154 32 · 12k views
- Shire Folk · 5.1k words · 328 9 · 14k views
- Autum Breeze · 19k words · 459 40 · 12k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.056 seconds
Total duration
1,074 users online
2,553,804 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Not bad... the only thing I have a problem with is that it was never explained how Maria found out about the portal that happens to be in New York or how she knew it would only allow three humans, but other than that I have no problem with this so far. The spelling and grammar are fine, the characters are a little bland at the moment but they can be explained in more depth later, and the fact that the portal is actually something that can be explained is good. I am also drawn in by the end where Matt says he knows a pony who has wi-fi. I can think of a few ponies that might have it from other various fanfictions and I'm curious to see if its one that I am thinking of or another that I have not. So far I give it an 8/10
(P.S. nice choice for the song there at the end, I can listen to that for hours.)
3593238 thanks :D I'm always updating my story, so check back sometime for more
(I never thought I'd say it...) Thanks for the dislikes, guys. I already know that my story is shit, so don't be afraid to dislike it. At least I'll know if my story got a genuine critique or not.
Okay..... that all just happened.
Eeyup
Alrighty.
Jumping right on into this... Pardon my straightforwardness.
I'm going to start with the first several lines.
They're all dialogue, which gives us a bit of insight into the characters' personalities. Only thing, actions are never explained, nor speaker clarified.
It all just goes by addressing. That can be... uh... rather difficult to follow. Aside from that, the lack of initial setting is a bit of a throw-off as well.
The first paragraph is really just a description. Aside from that, the sentence above is a BIIIIT long. Try cuttin' it up, slap a period here and there. Run-ons can really kill the flow of a story.
In terms of grammatical errors, there were very few, if not none. Good job.
But, be careful of those videos between some of the paragraphs. Those completely murder the story's flow. If you must add videos, I recommend links to the videos (in parentheses, say?) so that the reader can choose whether or not they want to see them.
Now, onto terms of the storyline.
It feels awfully... rushed. Things seem to go flying by, some with no real explanation. I, personally, love when that image forms in my head, and I can even see the character's expressions as they talk, or walk, or argue. I imagine this story took time to make, but make sure you're open to going back in, and rereading. I've gone back into my stories countless times, and every time, I've found something to correct.
Otherwise, it wasn't all that bad. Sure, the "Humans Go To Equestria By Accident" idea has been overused, but really, people have such a stereotypical idea of stories that have been spread through the public "too much", that they don't give some stories a good chance. (Excuse my run-on sentence.)
I'm not one for "star ratings". I'll just say this: Your writing style is good. You use adjectives quite nicely, and the story, while a bit shaky some points, did flow. Just slow down a bit. Make sure the reader can see "the thick, poofy clouds, lazily floating across the semi-clear sky." A really good way to make sure a story flows well if a prereader, or proofreader.
...You'll have to excuse my incessant rambling. I can get carried away...
Potential is evident,
-Time Centurion
3667499 I don't mind the rambling; it is your critique, after all.
I decided to make my own HiE story and try to transform it into a story that passed by environments that the guys ddn't really pay attention to. Most of the time, they'd have conversations, with the exception of the whole Derpy incident where they started singing. The party was pretty much a blur, up until Matt's conversation with Fluttershy, which is when they were taken back by Julian, or Gray Snake. The description of him in pony form was pretty much the description of who he acted in the SMB series. He wore gray gear, had a lot of weapons on hand, and his name was Snake. It was kinda supposed to be a random venture into Equestria and back to Earth. Also, the randomness factor was increased at the end, so overall it was a pretty random story.
3667841
Well, there are some who can appreciate a random story, and then there's the rest, who shoot them down on sight.
Everyone different, no one the same, eh?
Heheh.
Potential is evident,
-Time Centurion
3667860 you said it, pal. :D
Hahaha!
it was funny 
This is my first time reading a random fanfiction, and I like it!
3667499 Holy celestia, another reviewer?!!?
3667499 ... looking back at it (and I don't even have to), I have to agree with you on everything you said. The story consisted of quite a few run-ons, and despite it being over 3,000 words long I still managed to rush the story way too much. I've improved my writing style, so I can see that this story needs a lot of touches. I'm not even sure I can remake this one with another story remake in the works. Plus, most RichAlvarez stuff kind of went through with the purpose of action and comedy. I barely gave anyone the right character development, so they became an autistic mess.
I'll give my own story a rating. 1.5/10.