• Member Since 1st Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Topaz Moon


The pony alchemist

T

Currently Undergoing a Rewrite


Onyx is a medieval war horse owned by Sir Marcus. Though he led a hard life filled with constant training, battles, or tournaments, he would not have it any other way. Especially At the jousting tournaments where he and his owner reveled in the spotlight of winning, and took vast pride in making sure they always performed at their best.

One day while taking his master to a neighboring castle everything he had known came crashing down. He was now in a land unfamiliar to him and had a new master. Everything seemed out of place for how he expected things to be, but he did not know if it was from his injuries of that fateful day or something else.

Unknown to Onyx he has been taking to a completely different world through arcane means. This is his story about his new life and the new challenges he must face.

--- Alternate Universe tag ---
I was asked in a message as to why, and that is because of two reasons.
1: I do not like the character of Discord very much. I am disregarding that whole lets reform him episode so he is still locked in stone, sitting in the Canterlot Palace Gardens being used as a rest stop for birds. I did think about just having some reason to lock him back up though.
2: Twilight is not a princess in this story. This has a possibility to change though. While the course of the story is planned mostly to the end, the actual writing might necessitate changes.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 24 )

ooh very nice, at looking forward to more chapters

This is... Okay. I'm looking forward to reading more. However, I suggest getting a new editor, the one you currently have is doing a rather poor job of it. Missing punctuation, sentences becoming choppy, and other small problems a good editor should help fix.

very intersting gonna add this to read later

Alright i'm here because the Fatty told me to check this out... :rainbowderp: That's a lot for a first day post.

3586310

Ya i agree obliviously the person editing must not know how to write a story :rainbowlaugh: ~Only reason i'm her is because of him/her.

Mcuhc lovue Futty ! :heart:

3587181

Actually I probably did over look some of the punctuation, mainly just because I write second person, informal, passive along with third person informal narrative. Doing a story like this one is a little different to me.

Although, for me the lack of punctuation (i.e. commas and semicolons) has never ruined a story so I never really care to look over them when editing. ~ Sorry Meg hope that did not cause to much distress. :twilightblush:

Also, I think you should tag this as Alternate Universe as well.

3586193
I am glad you liked it so far, the next chapter is in the process of being worked on.

3586310
No one is perfect, but I think Fatty is doing a great job. Trust me, you should have seen it before I received the assistance.

3586788
I hope you enjoy it when you do read it.

3587178
Cool, didn't think Fatty would inform others. Glad you came and hope it was worth your time to you.

3587211

Although, for me the lack of punctuation (i.e. commas and semicolons) has never ruined a story so I never really care to look over them when editing. ~ Sorry Meg hope that did not cause to much distress. :twilightblush:

Also, I think you should tag this as Alternate Universe as well

Nah, no stress to me. I think any that were jarring or really were wrong got all fixed up. Any that might or might not be left are probably minor since I think I have reread this about four times in the last 24 hours prior to posting it.

Oh I forgot that one, I have fixed it and added that tag.

Again thank you all for taking the time to read or at least look at this story for consideration of reading. I hope you all have a great day :twilightsmile:

Not a bad read, though the main thing that throws me, and probably fatty, off is how you seem to switch perspectives randomly. It's not a huge thing, but sometimes it makes it a bit harder to read.

And a personal nit-pick is that you don't really have to do details for all of the ponies, since I'm fairly sure we know what they look like ;)

3587780

Fatty 1# fan-club holder

Agrees with this comment :coolphoto:

Wait :rainbowderp: Fatty is technally working on this right? So what does that mean there's going to be 50 parts and like 40 side stories or something :pinkiecrazy:

3587780
Sorry I have a tendency to do that :( Its just me though and I think Fatty said something about it. Lol, be glad he catches the multiple tense errors I do.

3602989
Nah, that's unique to Fatty's story(s). I plan on putting the main story as chapters not separate parts.

3603408
Well, you could always beg ask Fatty to help you keep it all in one tense, or at least Onyx's bits :derpytongue2:

For any of those wondering, chapter 3 has had to stop part way for a couple of weeks. The initial draft of it is already at about 4500 words, but breaking my hand this past week has put a damper on typing more then short post. I will probably poke at what I have so that when I can type with two hands again, at least this part will hopefully not needs as much editing to fix up. :twilightsmile:

I tried to get my housemate to type for me :rainbowlaugh:, but she was not keen on that idea.

Always remember that snow covered deck ramps are probably really slippery and are evil and mean and do not like you.:raritydespair:

Lovin your story so far, can't say I've read too many fics like it, it's very interesting and I'll keep reading.:pinkiesmile:

3709143
Thank you, I am glad you have enjoyed it so far. :twilightsmile:

For you, Pinkie_rees, and all others that liked it, I am especially glad that you did not want to tear out your eyes in frustration to my writing ability. I feel it is lacking something, but I am not good enough to figure it out. I do my best though. This is the first time I have tried to write anything since college, and well... lets just say I barely passed my English classes in both High School and College. Some friends of mine are still convinced of nefarious means to my passing. :twilightangry2:

For any that did not, I am sorry it was not enjoyable. Such is life. Not everyone likes everything, world would be a very boring place if we all did. I do however hope that even if you did not enjoy it that you did not feel it was a complete waste of your time. Time is precious after all.

Hope everyone has a fun New Years. :pinkiehappy:

Interesting take, although having a horse being able to reason like a human before arriving at Equestria is a bit unbelievable. Still nicely portrayed.

Unfortunately, you made numerous spelling errors, you have wrong capitalization and you switch between first- and third-person perspective several times. While this story seems to have potential, these issues needlessly distract from it.

3859182
I thank you for taking the time to read it. :twilightsmile:

Well damn, thought I had corrected the spelling errors by now. Yeah, the perspective switching might be kind of off. I fully admit my limitations there in trying to convey in the story what is in my head.

As for the reasoning, true. It is supposed to be a sort of limited reasoning though, as he expects to be owned and his existence/job is to do whatever the owner wants. I was trying to go for more simple reasoning in the beginning where he thinks of everything only in terms of his role on the battlefield and basic stable life. An example in the next chapter is when he is told to get washed up and AJ points to a basin she set up with water in it and just stands there, then takes a drink. I did that because to a horse getting washed up means a human is going to spray him down or he rolls in dirt. Thanks for informing me that I need to work on that part.

I might have not done that as well as I had hoped. :unsuresweetie:

hmm not bad but i noted a FEW grammer probles over the chapers but there not to bad also might I make a sugestion why dont you kidnap your self some editors that will get this story going right

......34 weeks...no update..
why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5441543 Actually 52 weeks. I put this one on hiatus quite awhile ago. Going to rework it someday, but not until I finish the other story I am working on. I am glad you liked what I have of this one so far, though.

5441760
well at this point its been four years so I think a update would be nice

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