• Member Since 10th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 8th, 2016

Souldin


E

Fluttershy often dreams of being able to cuddle up with the pony who means more to her than a friend. When said crush comes barging through the window one very early morning, is her wish about to come true? FlutterDash.

While this is not my first fanfic this is my first time uploading one to this site and so, if there are any errors regarding the structure then it is more than likely due to my unfamiliarity with this site and its uploading system. Although this is my first Friendship is Magic fanfic I welcome any and all criticism, which will make me just as happy to receive as it would praise.

The method of writing this short story involves connecting various fan arts and creating a narrative which involves each one of them. As such I wish to credit the artworks of DiegoTan's 'Rainbow Dash n Fluttershy hug', Strebiskunk's 'Bedshy' (which also serves as the cover image), Miokomata's 'Gotcha' and 'Best night ever', Haileyguilford's 'Morning', Juicy Cactus's 'Your real Christmas present', and Fajeh's 'Flutterdash' as sources of inspiration for this fanfic.

I do not - nor do I claim to - own any characters or artwork I use in this story - they belong to their respective series and owners.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 72 )

Nicely written! I hope to see more:rainbowkiss:

Good. Track and can't wait for next chapter.

I do love alternate scene interpretations. And for that you hooked me :moustache:

No time to read atm, but tracking so I don't forget :pinkiehappy:

Very nice, very nice. I'm gonna be tracking this just to see where this goes. Also I did notice that reference in the dream to a certain flutterdash picture.

Cheers,
jangledorf

Alright! I know you give me the most detailed critiques out there, and I highly doubt I can type up the level of volume that you do for me, but I'll do what I can. So why don't we jump down this rabbit hole head first drunk and see how far into wonderland this thing goes!

The good in this story is sooooo good. I love how you follow the plot of the first half a minute of the episode perfectly. Not only that, but you give a very very valid reason on why Fluttershy would be embarrassed being caught in such a situation with Rainbow. Finally, the comedy very well done, especially so, the line "...Snuggle?" made me fall out of my chair in both laughter, and how completely adorable she was.

The negatives were few, and honestly, were mostly our two writing styles clashing. While I prefer, when in third person, to stay as neutral of a narrator as possible, I notice that you made it a little more personal (like you were talking the story to someone), which is totally ok, but not my thing. The only other true negative I have is the way you darted around with inside and outside Fluttershy's head, and also with the timeline a little. Made the flow a little weird, though this also is another personal opinion of mine.

Grammar is very excellent, and other than a few commas (which I overuse WAY too much, so I like to think I know what I'm doing with them :rainbowwild:), the only real issue I found was the first sentence, you capitalized "Pegasus", which shouldn't be. Like I said, very minor, and considering that's the only big instance I could think of, I think you're good.

I await chapter 2 with glee! :yay:

:fluttershysad: + :rainbowdetermined2: = THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED! ALSO ..Yay!

This here will be my first time replying to more than one author with a single comment, I doubt anything will go wrong but if it does there is your reason why. Now, responding to each person in order...

311941 Thanks for commenting, you'll be seeing more next week.

311976 Thanks for commenting, and the next chapter should be out this Sunday (unless something goes wrong).

311989 First off I would like to thank you for commenting. Secondly, I guess it is an alternative scene interpretation, even if the real aim in writing this first chapter was doing so in a way it could fit into the actual show's timeframe (for instance Rainbow Dash's cider talk and Fluttershy mentioning how she hadn't been listening are to make clear that the particular scene takes place before Fluttershy asks where they were, and what's the rush?). This being seen as an alternative scene interpretation is no problem with me though, I love them as well.

312060 Well I'm glad you've liked it so far. I'm also glad you spotted the reference to Diegotan's 'Rainbow Dash n Fluttershy hug', after all the entire fanfic is based around writing up a connected story to various FlutterDash fan art and Diegotan's was one of them (which is why this first chapter has Hug in the title).

312265 Despite your doubts you have currently written the most detailed critique here, furthermore I would rarely recommend someone to try and comment in my style as it takes me on average 40 minutes to write up a single review (the shortest review I have done was about 10-15 minutes, the longest took me two hours).

I'm glad you liked the story overall, in particular the comedy. The 'following the plot' thing was intention, as my aim was to be able to fit this scene in with the events of the episode (which is why I had Fluttershy comment on how she had not been listening as it leads to her saying 'Where are we? What's the rush?') and the snuggle joke was actually going to be cuddle but on the fan art I have used for this stories cover picture, Fluttershy's thought bubble has her and Rainbow Dash close together with the words 'snuggle' above them and so I used snuggle instead.

My favourite book series is 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' by Lemony Snicket, with one of the main reasons for loving it being the involved, witty narrator. I love books where the narrator, feels like a character without actually appearing and becomes the source of a great amount of the humour. This is the style I like to use and one you'll rarely see me without, and I can understand if it’s not your thing. I also get what you mean by the darting inside and outside of Fluttershy's head and the back and forth with the timeline. The timeline one is something I could correct if I were to have the dream described before Fluttershy wakes up but then that would removing the opening description of the night and I really liked that description. As for darting inside and outside of Fluttershy's head, while it could be better without, unfortunately there is more of that to come next chapter. As for Pegasus, my spell check automatically capitalises the word, so I assumed that was the correct way of spelling it.

Thank you for the great review and I hope to bring you the next chapter soon.

312395 your username includes the best pairing so thumbs up for that. Also, the fun has been doubled indeed and thanks for commenting.

312668 Either you want this to be cuter or you want more of it and both of these I hope to accomplish. I'm glad you liked it.

I am currently making a comicfied version of this since it's awesome. Bests of luck! Can't wait for the next chapter. :heart::pinkiehappy:

314980

The reason why your spell check has it as capitalized is because in Greek mythology, there was only one, and its name was Pegasus (fairly certain, didn't look it up to double check), so that's where its coming from. Capitalizing it in the story is like saying, "The lanky Human picked up the black and white Cat while eating delicious Cow meat".

Love it.

That's all I have to say.

Hey i know this is kinda advertising but another author (not as great dont say so though) any way go ask for homophobes on emerald flights page ps please dont take this down i really need this

Today marks the third day since uploading this fanfic and as such I doubt I will get any more comments until I update with the next chapter. As such I will now proceed to reply to the further comments that have been added to this fanfic and will reply to each of you, once again, in order.

315193 So you're making a comicfied version of a fanfic based off of several unrelated pieces of fan art. This kind of reminds me of that internet meme, you' know the one, the so I heard you like such and such so I put such and such in your such and such. Anyway, wow, I certainly did not expect such a thing, and I...thank you for such an honour. When you do finish the comicfied version is it possible for you to notify me and link me to it?

On with the rest of the comment, thank you very much for the well wishes. Also I'll try as hard as I can to get the chapter out this Sunday as planned, so luckily you won't have to wait long.

315257 That makes sense, I'll be sure to edit that after I complete the story (unless dire I prefer to leave my check up of my story based upon reviewers comments until after all the chapters are up), and thanks for the quick reply my friend.

315304 Thank you, and I love the avatar pic you have.

317768 You appear to have rushed the writing in this comment a bit as a few words seem to missing. I think I've got the gist of the message though. As a huge fan of the FlutterDash pairing I have read Emerald Flight's 'FlutterDash: Homophobes', though I have not exactly been following it. I enjoyed his previous work, 'FlutterDash: Publicity', but 'FlutterDash: Homophobes' less so. It does have an interesting premise but last I checked it had gone onto hiatus.

Thanks for recommending a FlutterDash fanfic and in return I will recommend you a couple of fanfics starring the pair that I quite liked. I would suggest you look up 'One Problem Child' by SlyWit (my favourite fanfic on this site although not the best, that would be 'Sparkle's Law' by AestheticB), 'Grand Theft Manehattan' by Calchexxxis, and 'That Sunlit Glow' by TigerIPony. All feature the FlutterDash pairing, all brilliant reads in my opinion, and each one deserving additional attention.

Ah ha! I think I know what picture you were using in that chapter. Also that was a great chapter, I enjoyed it immensely!

If I may make a suggestion, if you do make a third chapter you could reference the morning flutterdash picture.

Cheers,
jangledorf

Hmm. On one hand, I would LOVE to see how Rainbow reacts to this. However, on the other hand, the ending to this is just so smile-worthy, it would almost be criminal to continue it...

Hmmmm!!!!

I want another chapter :pinkiehappy:

It does feel a bit open ended right now, and there is obviously a lot that has happened between the first and second chapter that we are left guessing about. Whether or not that is a good thing depends on the reader I'd say. In my case, I wouldn't mind a third chapter.

This chapter made me smile. It feels like it doesn't require another chapter to be good, but I want more, and you're an excellent writer. Write a third chapter please!

A part of me wishes to wait a little longer to see if any more comments pop up but today is a Sunday and for some reason even the internet gets a bit inactive on a Sunday. It's also Mother's day so perhaps I wasn't alone in spending a good amount of the day working. Now onto commenting on the comments then.

334072 Nice to know that you were able to identify the picture used in the chapter (even though I already have the names of all four pieces of artwork used in this fanfic listed in the summary) but it's even nicer knowing that you enjoyed the chapter immensely.

I'm not 100% sure which artwork you are talking about but do you mean 'Morning' by Haileyguilford. If not could you possibly link me or inform me of how to find the artwork you have mentioned. Thank you very much Jangledorf for not only commenting but doing so for each chapter.

334138 I had already thought of several good ideas that could occur after this chapter (the Rainbow Dash reaction funny enough was not one of them however I think I will write that if I do make an additional chapter) and the debate over whether I could do further justice after said smile-worthy ending is the reason I'm struggling with my decision. Once again thanks for the comment Ugugg93.

334191 Thanks for what is now a third comment Flutterdashguy (even if the second one was an advertisement) and more is a definite possibility. You will have to wait and see though because even if I decide to do more it won't arrive until next month at the earliest.

334553 The reason why there is a lot left open between the events of chapter 1 and chapter 2 is because I couldn't find any FlutterDash artwork depicting the cider episodes scenes, very few of them even had Fluttershy appear in them and I wanted to continue the method of artwork based writing throughout the entire fanfic. Thanks for both the critique and comment Baree.

335079 The fact that this fanfic doesn't require an additional chapter to feel completed is one of the two matters that make me struggle in my internal debate to make a third chapter or not. I'm glad I could make you smile and thank you for the comment and praise.

Now, in response for all those asking for a third chapter, I will be making my decision on whether I will do so or not next week. You will be able to tell what decision I have made by either checking my blog post or by the fact that I will have edited this fanfic from being completed to incomplete status (and I will also add in the summary the artworks I will be using for the next chapter). Furthermore, even if I do decide to write up more chapters for this short story I will not be able to do so for a while because I have some duties to take care of on another website, it will take me sometime between a month or two to upload an additional chapter but no longer.

338075

You are correct sir, that is the picture I'm mentioning. I'm not sure where you get your pictures, but there are actually several groups on deviantart that display flutterdash pictures. The one I use is this one

Note there are some "saucy" pictures there so browse with caution.

Cheers,
jangledorf

More :yay::rainbowwild: please??? :heart:

I like the the story and I'm planning to make a comic version of this. Hoe you continue the story. :D
ugugg93 is right, making another chapter can make you a criminal but i don't care less.

I love this story! It's really awesome.

As for another chapter, I'm all for it. But it's your choice though, and it's really great as it is already.

I frankly think I have waited far too long to reply to these comments but I was holding out for the appearance of one or two more. As such I would like to apologise for my late response to the following there commentators.

339034 I thought so, thanks for the suggestion. As for searching for FlutterDash pictures I use search several sites, DeviantART, Google images, Ponibooru, and I alter my way of phrasing it many times. Its lead me to lots of great artwork (and a few disturbing pieces). Thanks for replying jangledorf.

340912 There is a possibility of there being more, a thing I will address on my profiles blog update this weekend. I'm glad you like the story to such an extent that you're planning on making a comic version of it and as I asked of you in my previous response, when you have started to upload some of it please send me a link. Thanks for commenting.

350097 Oh, a new commenter (most of my chapter 2 comments were made by people who had commented on the first chapter when it came out), glad to know this story is managing to attract new readers. I'm glad to learn that you like this story, thanks for both the praise and the comment.

3.bp.blogspot.com/-z45iyT2ZcYQ/TcqJSKNwN-I/AAAAAAAAAQY/xw9q2K7WYtE/s1600/CerealSpitting.png

Overreactions FTW :rainbowlaugh:

I loved this chapter. The humor was great. The dream sequence was the best one yet, and Angel... oh god Angel Bunny. Though, there are two things I have to say though...

1) near the end... { “Oh, hello Rainbow Dash, I’m sorry I left quite like-Fluttershy did not...} You never put end quotations. Messed me up real bad for a few seconds.

2) This is more writing style differences than anything else, but I'll say it either way. I think you should try and write without any parentheses. The reason I say this is because I feel like when an author adds them, it breaks up the flow of the narrative way too much. Try taking those out, and finding a way to implement those lines with commas or something. Its not a requirement, but something to think about.

Overall, I think this is the best chapter yet! :yay:

Though I have only four comments to this third chapter so far, it seems a lot of people are using emoticons to express their opinion and this makes it...difficult to tell whether each of you liked or disliked the chapter. Anyway, it is time I replied.

425283 I'm glad you didn't, Rainbow's course of overreaction was meant to deal out shock humour, so it's nice to see it worked. Thanks for commenting and I hope you'll enjoy the next and final chapter as well.

425603 The :facehoof: worries me a little but I (hopefully) presume you are referring to Rainbow Dash's action and not my writing/story decisions. Thanks for commenting.

425801 Thanks for commenting and I hope that the :derpyderp1::facehoof: is meant towards Rainbow Dash's actions in a humorous manner rather than a judging of my writing in this chapter. That's not to say that I'm not willing to receive criticism for a story development or character action, I'm just hoping you enjoyed it.

425824 Thank you, thank you for delivering a comment that actually tells me of your opinion of the chapter. I liked receiving the other comments, sure, but they didn't tell me whether they enjoyed reading the chapter. Your comment on the other hand manages to be witty, informative in what you like, and critique me.

I strive for humour in all my chapters, but while the other dream sequences and moments were also attempting to be cute, endearing, and slightly romantic, this one was focused entirely on comedy through misunderstandings, overreactions, and of course, lines and events which make the reader (and in this case, Rainbow Dash) presume something entirely different only to find out that the event is much more innocent. I'm glad you found the chapter funny and I'm surprised that the Angel Bunny scene was the one of the jokes you pointed out (it's quite a slow paced and drawn out moment so I was afraid no one would find it funny). Onto your criticism though;

1) Thanks for pointing that out. I will fix that once the fanfic has ended (along with mistakes pointed out in previous chapters).

2) Now, as this fanfic has only one chapter till it ends and I want that chapter to be as well written as I can, I doubt I will start experimenting with my style (perhaps in a one-shot though, that is where tend to experiment). Your comment is noted and I can see how it could do wonders for my writing however, while I understand all your terms and what-not I happen to be a little confused. Could you perhaps give me a written example of what you mean when you can?

Nice to know that you enjoyed the chapter, appear to no longer be angry at me for what I said about the 'Smile, Smile, Smile' song and I hope you can look forward to the fourth and final chapter next week. Cheerio!

429441

Oh no, I'm still mad. Don't get me wrong. But I'm putting that aside for the sake of the story.

As for the parenthesis thing, what I mean is instead of writing...

Rainbow Dash’s brief moment of insanity passed, her mind still troubled and her eyes still stinging from the harsh (it was actually rather mellow but remember that the pegasus still has a hangover) luminescence.

You could write...

Rainbow Dash’s brief moment of insanity passed, her mind still troubled and her eyes still stinging from what she saw to be the harsh luminescence, even if it was merely her hangover amplifying the mellow lighting.

Like I said before, not a real problem, and more writing styles, but just something to think about. :scootangel:

429441 Rainbow Dash's action :twilightsmile: Your story is nothing short of amazing.

I replied to four comments and now I have four more comments to reply too (even if three of them are replies to my reply). I can't think of anything witty or important to say here so I'll just get on with my response.

429473 Fair enough, hope the anger subsides for next week's blog at least (as there is no episode I have decided to fill it with your request and write about my top X characters). Thanks for the example, and while the style is different I must say that it does look and sound better. Perhaps when I'm not trying to have my narrator be witty, or when the remark my narrator is going to say is not particularly funny, I will do as you have shown and do without the parenthesis, it does make the writing look better.

429770 That’s good to know, and sorry for having to ask, I'm not very good with emoticons.

431227 Thanks for the reply and I'm glad you're still enjoying my story.

431263 Thanks for the comment, and gosh, I really wasn't expecting the Angel part to be as popular as it has been (it is a rather slow paced joke so I was afraid few would find it funny).

434523

trust me i only give credit where its due and this is due 10 :moustache:s out of 10 my good brony friend

when i was reading this chapter 'supper cider squeezer 6000' came up on my ipod,

A very satisfactory ending. Here, have a mustache. :moustache:

Rainbow not knowing how babies are made?

... That actually sounds somewhat legit :rainbowlaugh:

Overall, this story makes me smile on every single front. The interactions between the two are perfect, Angel is damn amazing (though the thought of him actually serving the other animals seems far fetched), and Rainbow's "screw it" attitude is exactly how I could see her handling the situation. Having Rainbow be timid always makes me smile, though I ALMOST wish that you made Fluttershy somewhat assertative for just a brief moment, but that is more of something I wish happened, and not something that needed to.

I honestly can't think of any way I would make the story better. Possibly... umm... nope. I got nothing :twilightblush:

Oh, and I still rank Angel sticking the cigarette in Rainbow's mouth as the high point :rainbowlaugh:

Two Words. Love it. Keep writing my friend. Your going places.

amazing story and ending :twilightsmile:
love how dash thought fluttershy was pregnant.

And thank you so very much for the thanks :pinkiehappy:

What an ending. And the pregnancy thing was awesome!:rainbowlaugh:

I believe I will get a few more comments later on today, tomorrow, and the next day (then the comments will all but end and I will only receive them sparsely when the odd person stumbles upon this story) but there are so many already I just have to reply.

435003 I'd say ten out of ten might be a bit much but I'm not complaining if that is what you think about it. Thanks for the high opinion of this fanfic and comment.

442248 Not so much a comment on the story but thanks for sharing the hilarious coincidence. :rainbowlaugh:

452484 A very satisfying comment, may you too have a moustache. :moustache:

452775 :pinkiehappy: Why I do believe I see a large comment informing me of what the reader liked about my story, and one that critiques me (in this case it's more of an attempt but I will take note of your preference). Onto your comments though.

Rainbow Dash not knowing how babies are made, or in this case, having misunderstandings about the concept, was inspired by the first ever My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfic I ever read, 'The Birds and the Bees' by Theworstwriter. I also love the concept of Rainbow Dash being rather oblivious to sexual and romantic matters (her obliviousness will be even greater in my upcoming fanfic, 'Magnetism'. As for Rainbow Dash being timid, well on one hand that felt natural for the scene and on the other, I have loved the idea of Rainbow acting timid since reading 'Sparkles Law' by AestheticB, which has a moment where Rainbow Dash is trying to act like Fluttershy in order to command the birds to sing.

I' m glad you enjoyed this fanfic to such an extent and you can't think of any improvements? I'm sure if you give it time you could of one or two but for the meanwhile. :twilightblush: Once again I am surprised at how much you like the Angel Bunny moment, while my favourite moment of this fanfic would have to be my execution of the Rainbow Dash's line 'Oh we so totally did it'. Thanks for the comment. :twilightsmile:

452790 Thank you for the comment and as you can see I'm already writing up my next story. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as this one.

453028 Thank you for the thank you of the thanks. Also thanks for the comments in general and I am happy to know you not only enjoyed the story but thought well of the ending.

453776 Nice to see I got plenty of laughs from the pregnancy joke (which I did hint at in chapter 3, though of course I tried to make it as subtle as I could). Thank you for the comment.

I would also like to say that if any of you wish to know about background information, planning details, and original ideas for this story then feel free to check my profile’s blog. I update said blog each week with details on my fanfiction progression, information regarding the creation of my fanfics, episode musings (light hearted reviews in a way), and the occasional other (for instance there was no episode this week so I instead talked about my top twenty favourite characters of MLP:FiM). It would make me really happy to be able to discuss with more people about not only my stories but the show and its characters in general. Who knows, some of you may also enjoy the experience as well. For now though, cheerio!

I'm gonna stop here for a first review.

The story is gold, but buried deep in a haze of poor technical skill. You need an editor, badly.

==
Before Fluttershy could turn round or back away the rainbow mane pony leapt into her, causing them to tumble together and sending the two rolling across the cloud. It only lasted for a while though, for as excited as Dash was she knew from prior experience how dangerous it was to lunge forth when playing on a cloud with your wings tucked, memories of only just managing to stabilise her descent before touching down on the ground being a pretty darn good reminder. When the tumbling did end Fluttershy found herself in a position she was not sure if she should be pleased or uncomfortable with.

Rainbow Dash stood over the fallen pony, fore hooves to either side of her, pressing Fluttershy's tucked wings against her body, and back hooves between Fluttershy's own. Their tummies hovered just above one another, their faces further away but still close enough that a simple nod of the head would be all that was needed for their lips to brush up against one another. Fluttershy felt a slight blush and a small smile emerge on her face as she looked up to the inexpressive Rainbow Dash, who stared back blankly.
==

Before letting her friend get away, Dash tackled Fluttershy, sending the two tumbling together across the cloud. She cut their roll short, though - as excited as she was, she knew how dangerous it was to roughhouse on a cloud with tucked wings. Once, she barely managed to stabilise her descent before touching down. Taking care of another pony might prove... tricky.

When they came to rest, Fluttershy found herself in a position which she wasn't sure was pleasant or uncomfortable. Rainbow Dash stood over her, knees pinning Fluttershy's wings against her body, and back legs against her thighs. Their tummies hovered just above one another, and their faces were further away but still so close that a simple nod of either head would bring their lips together. Fluttershy felt a slight blush and a small smile emerge on her face as she looked up to Rainbow Dash, who stared back blankly.

==

I'm busy with another editing job, but you need somepony who can walk you through your prose and teach you to make it clear.

454633A personal note with my name In it I cannot thank you enough. So I will give you this brohoof

Excellent story. Also, you put my name in the thank yous! Did not expect that for only one comment. Feels pretty cool.

I saw the picture with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash cuddling, like in the dream.
And you added Pinkie as well, that's pretty funny lol.
Pretty clever there.

My thoughts as of the second chapter apply to the whole fic. Lots of fun. Hard to read.

a happy ending! :yay: great job, im glad you added the extra chapters, they made all the difference, ere have a stash or two :moustache::moustache:

and im fairly interested in your story magnetism, ill be looking out for it :pinkiehappy:

It is now about three to four days since I completed this fanfic and in this last day the comments seem to have stopped pouring in. Thus I feel it is safe for me to reply now, responding to as many people's comments at once as I can, and also nabbing the 50th comment of my own story. Also if any of you want to chat and discuss the show or an episode or your favourite characters, then feel free to comment on my profile's blog; I update each week with something new pertaining to my fanfiction and the show. After this comment though I will be going about and making a few small edits to 'Thank You Cider' (nothing drastic and none of it will affect the story), correcting mistakes and adding in a line or two. On with my reply though.

455840 Your internet brohoof is gladly accepted and returned with my own internet brohoof. Also, big or small, the fact that you commented contributed to my happiness levels in regards to this fanfic and thus why you were thanked. Also thanks for commenting yet again.

456902 Nice to know you enjoyed the story and your mention. Thank you for commenting.

457420 Good to know you were able to recognise moments from my story based upon actual fan-artworks and thank you for commenting on the Pinkie Pie inclusion. I think you're the first to actually make note of her consistent appearance, even when she had no such appearance in the artwork that the scene was based on.

458618 While I'm glad to know that the additional chapters make a difference that in turn worries me, do you mean it simply makes my fanfic better or avoid it from being bad? Anyway I will display these extra moustaches with pride. :moustache::moustache:

You are the first person to comment on my preview of 'Magnetism' so thank you for that and I won't disappoint.

457455 As I have three comments of yours I have to reply too I felt it was best to leave the response to your comments at the end of my comment to reply to comments. Anyway, thank you for the comments, I'm glad you enjoyed my story and sorry that you had difficulty reading it. I appreciate though that you voiced your trouble of this story, gave me criticism, and even gave me an example of what you meant by said criticism.

It is obviously a problem if people are having difficulty reading my story, even more so if the matter of prose that is proving difficult is one of dialogue or choreographed action. Luckily the scene you made note of is one of narration mostly with the only real detail needing to be known being that the two ponies tumbled, and the position they were in once they stopped tumbling. Anything else is in that scene is merely my interactive narrator adding wit to the story and making it my own.

For instance while I appreciate the example you have written and will even admit that it makes it easier to read, it does not however feel like my writing. Obviously it is not my writing because you wrote it but what I mean is that it lacks my style, my input, my tongue, my soul. The second edited paragraph I could implement into the fanifc without any changes however the first edited paragraph comes across to me as style-less, and something I could not imagine me saying. I value your concern and will make efforts to make my stories in future (and possibly some of this when I get time) easier to read and more understandable with clearer prose however I will do so while retaining my voice in the story. Doing so is a matter of balance that will be hard to obtain but I shall set it as a goal to strive for in regards to my progress as a writer. Once again I cannot thank you enough for the well composed and much welcomed criticism. :twilightsmile:

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