With a Heavy Heart

by Krypqe

With You

Chills surrounded Rainbow Dash.
Chills of temperature, and chills of doubt.

Rainbow had never really experienced doubt before; she was a confident, strong, ‘cool’ pony.
Only twice had she done so, yet her previous experiences still hadn’t
managed to shirk the way it smothered her. Nor did it lessen the blow on
her insides; lurching around with every contemplation of every possible
eventuality.

She’d thought that the somewhat scenic walk through the apple orchards
coating Bloomberg’s hill would be able to calm her, to ease her angst,
yet, as Rainbow increased in her altitude, she got further and further
away from what felt safe. Rainbow thought this was odd, as she’d
normally feel at ease rushing up through the clouds, engulfed in their
strangely comforting, soft, ethereal feel. Nevertheless, now, they
didn’t emanate any positive vibes at all; the cool positivity now seemed
like cold, sad detachment. That’s what Rainbow thought, anyway.
Perhaps she was spending too much time with earth ponies.

The systematic abundance of the apple trees didn’t help Rainbow’s state of
mind either. With each tree she passed, her mind wandered more and more
towards Applejack, and what Rainbow had said to her.
Not that Rainbow really remembered.
Applejack’s letter had jogged her memory a tad, and the wound upon Rainbow’s head
had helped it on its way, but it still wasn’t all there.

She remembered about Twilight and herself, almost begrudgingly. However, it wasn’t remembering the events that jarred Rainbow’s mind so. It was her own thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts and feelings that nopony could really synthesise, even in
retrospect. They were very much real.

From Rainbow’s experience, she only knew these feelings from a tiny amount
of night encounters before, but all from the same place.

A place which now, seemed only to be foreshadowed with doubt, despite its open, airy atmosphere.

Bloomberg’s hill.

*****

Twilight was sprawled out on her sofa, happy, merely through just existing. She
exhaled, in a long sigh, finally relaxed after her night on cold enamel
and water.

On breathing back in, Twilight noticed a slight odour. One that was
somewhat familiar, yet alien, to the library at least. She moved her
gaze down, and against the white fabric of the sofa, Twilight saw faint,
pale fibres. Curiously, Twilight brought her head down to the fabric,
and gave it a quick, speculative sniff.
Twilight knew that was quite unscientific, and could be considered as odd,
but in the situation, she’d decided it was the right thing to do.
Besides, nopony was in the library with her, so nopony else would know
to be able to call it odd. Not that she would have minded, anyway.

After a couple of minutes, Twilight realised what was so familiar about the
scent, after all, she’d spent a good part of the night before engulfed
in it. The scent had caressed her, surrounded her and been with her.

Twilight lightly pushed her face into the sofa’s cushions, and inhaled as deeply
as she could, swimming in the memories of Rainbow and herself. Yet, as
she was deepest in thought, she involuntarily broke down into a fit of
childish giggles.
‘Wow, Twilight’ she thought to herself. ‘That really was odd…’

Regardless, Twilight just immersed herself in Rainbow’s scent once more. She’d
often wondered why everypony in romance novels did things like this;
just sitting, thinking about their loved ones, inhaling their scent.

Now, though, things were different.

Perhaps, like in those books, she wasn’t odd, but she was in love.

Twilight inhaled another gasp of Rainbow’s scent, and filled her thoughts with
the pegasus. Nopony had ever quite shone in this sort of light to
Twilight before, and so, she intended to make the most of it.
After all, it felt good.

*****

Applejack had been laid out on Bloomberg’s hill for quite some time now,
exasperated. Not that she minded the location, but she really had to get
back to work on the farm. She was the most dependable pony in Ponyville, and knew she really should get back to bucking, but…
Applejack didn’t feel like doing anything.

Not out of laziness, Applejack was far from lazy, and she knew it; but somehow, that made it worse.
However, her disdain for it did nothing to counteract it. The one thing that
gave Applejack solace was that at least she knew what was causing her
listlessness.

Light hoof-fall began to puncture the murmuring soundscape of rustling leaves
and light breeze, and with each muffled clop, Applejack’s thoughts
began to run amok. She was painting situations in her head, some more
brash, whilst others were tenderer.

Applejack knew it was silly, but she couldn’t stop acting the scenes out in the safety of her own mind.
She could get the words just right in there.

There was a modest sound of setting down, beside her, and Applejack, still with her eyes firmly closed, knew who was there.

She heard a sigh. Not one of exasperation, but a long, drawn out sigh of relief. Applejack found it reassuring.

She laid there, basking in the sunlight, alongside her counterpart, just
doing nothing, just revelling in her company. Applejack would have liked
it to stay that way, Rainbow and herself, just sat around. Applejack
didn’t even have to open her eyes to acknowledge Dash; they both knew
that presence was merely enough.
Yet, Dash didn’t make that possible. She had to keep up the whole ‘cool’ charade. They couldn’t just bask in the ambience of Equestria, not when other ponies were around.

Dash was so intent on keeping their ‘rivalry’ up, that it seemed to be
clouding over what they had between them. Applejack wished, even though
she thought it a bit foalish to do so, but she still wished. She wished
that Dash could just learn to switch off.
Even though Applejack had such feelings for her, Dash was starting to wear
on her patience. As time went on, more time, according to Dash, had to
be spent ‘keeping up appearances’.

As much as Applejack hated to have to lie to everypony, as the two of them put more and more effort into covering up, times like these became more and more precious. They came to mean
more than they ever used to.
Times when Applejack and Dash had nowhere to be, nothing to do. Just to be.
To be, but together.

However, as much as Applejack wanted to dwell on such a seldom moment like this,
she knew she had to break her much sought silence, and for a conversation she didn’t really want to start. In fact, Applejack was quite sure, for a moment, at least, if she wasn’t the element of honesty, well… She wouldn’t have even thought of starting a conversation about such a thing.
Especially when the obvious results weren’t going to be something either pony engaged would have wanted, but Applejack knew what the right thing to do
was.
For a moment, Applejack caught herself thinking.
‘If only I wasn’t the element of Honesty.’

Applejacksighed, but unlike Dash’s earlier sigh, it was an exasperated, annoyed
sigh. Even though she was troubled with the fact that she’d wanted to disown her own element, Applejack knew she was in the wrong, and she knew that if she could accept it already, her honesty wasn’t far gone.

Nevertheless, this only accentuated Applejack’s thought. This conversation needed to happen. If she was questioning her own element, well, that’d be like questioning a cutie mark.

“Dash?”

Applejack’s voice was quiet, yet harsh, overshadowed by Dash’s now increasing breaths. At least Applejack knew she wasn’t the only anxious pony.

“What in tarnation was last night about, eh?

Applejack’s voice was still hushed, yet not as quiet as it had been, she had Dash to contend with as well, now.

“Applejack, I-“

Dash cut herself short. Applejack wasn’t surprised, she’d sounded uncertain from the first letter of her name.
Applejack opened her eyes, into the sunlight. Everything was bleached, shades of white. She looked over her shoulder, at Dash, and smiled, even though the rainbow pony looked so morose.
It was strange, seeing the majestic Dash in a whitened colourless format.
It was almost as if she was a different pony.

*****

Rainbow Dash looked up to the sky.

She could feel the words she wanted to say, building up inside of her. Yet, none of them would come out, no matter how hard she coaxed them. Rainbow was annoyed by this. It was almost as if she couldn’t control herself at all.
It wasn’t as bad when it had just been her wings that acted up, but now? Everything was moving too fast.
Not in speed, of course, Rainbow was still the fastest, she was quite sure of that. It was just in everything else she did.
It was as if Rainbow’s life wasn’t in her own hooves anymore. Seemingly, it belonged to everypony else.

“Dash, y’know you can say anything to me, right?”

Rainbow was still looking to the sky for answers. She remembered the days in which she could just fly, not thinking about anything, just to move, and fast!
The sky had stayed the same since then, a place where a pony can be free, no worries, no thoughts.
It was funny, but upsetting. The sky, which had been her friend, was unable to help her, as it was free, emotionless.

Rainbow Dash levelled her gaze, and brought her eyes to meet Applejack’s. As
much as she’d wanted to stare away, and let time go on; Rainbow couldn’t
just let Applejack hang like that. After all, it was her own fault.

“I’m just… so sorry”

Rainbow felt her eyes begin to water, and a wave of melancholy hit her, with more force than she thought it would.

“I’m so sorry for what I said, and what I did…”

Even though it was an apology, it was bittersweet. For even though Rainbow
knew she was saying the right thing, the right feelings weren’t behind
them. Mainly, this was due to the fact that she couldn’t really remember
what she was apologising for.

There were things that Rainbow did remember, though. She remembered that the
whole night was shrouded by her own crestfallen state. She remembered
sitting with Applejack, crying into her mane, and most of all, the
overwhelming feeling of regret.
One particular image stuck in Rainbow’s head; the morose smile of a pony, one who looked let down, deceived.
A pony with beautiful, green eyes.
Howbeit, Rainbow didn’t see them, not anymore, as they were clouded, hidden behind a veil of emotion. Even though they tried to be honest, to be dependable, Rainbow knew them well.
She knew that they were anything but.

“What about Twilight?”

Rainbow gasped.
That was brash, even for Applejack.

Rainbow tried to keep her gaze locked with Applejack’s, but the dampness of her
own eyes forced her to look down at the ground, as she tried to regain
control of her own tear ducts.

Rainbow thought for a while.
‘What about Twilight?’

Twilight was nice, and all. Well, she was very nice.

Initially, Dash had thought that Twilight was boring, always buried in books, telling everypony “interesting facts”, obsessed with learning. Dash was her friend; she just didn’t like the things Twilight did.

Yet, over time, Twilight changed.
Not completely. She still had a thirst for knowledge, as she probably
always would. In fact, it was probably that thirst for knowledge that
changed her; due to her study of friendship.
Twilight had developed a whole new social side, and Rainbow liked it.

However, Twilight still had much to learn, and Rainbow knew so. Wasn’t that the reason she’d asked Twilight to come out?

For Rainbow, it was nice to be the one teaching, for once. Not to be the
one in control, but to be able to help another pony, who’d have complete
faith in her, even if she only knew a little.

It was a nice change to how things with herself and Applejack went. They
were just stumbling around in the dark; neither pony had known how
anything had ‘worked’, per se.

It’d been uncertain, and each time spur of the moment, and that was fine, for Dash, at the time. After all, she was ‘The Fastest Flier in all of Equestria,’ and didn’t have time for anything serious.
Not that she’d known what anything serious would have actually meant.

However, Rainbow wasn’t sure if she wanted that anymore.
She wasn’t even sure about herself anymore.

Eventhough her time with Twilight had been short and impulsive, much like the spurts of time she’d spent with Applejack, Rainbow could see the start of something much more reliable with Twilight.
Reliable.

Was that what she needed?

Was that what she wanted?

“Uhh…”

Rainbow’s voice still wavered, huskier than usual, the immersion in emotion taking its toll on her.

“…I need to go and think, Applejack.”

Rainbow looked back towards Applejack’s gaze, once more. Her green eyes were no longer just clouded. The clouds had burst, and begun to leak; two lines traced across the freckles that pockmarked her face.

“You’re always moving, aren’t you? Why can’t you just slow down?”

Applejack sounded hurt. It was as if she wasn’t trying to hide it now, her honesty shining bright, even when shrouded in upset.

“I’ll talk to you about it properly, Applejack… but another time. “

Rainbow hated having to shirk such an important talk off, especially in one of the few times the two of them would normally so desperately strive to have.

“I just need to sort my head out.”

“Ah can see that, Dash.”

Rainbow passed an unhappy smile Applejack’s way. She knew she needed to sort it out, but the words Applejack had fed back had hurt.
But Rainbow knew she couldn’t help it.
She was the element of honesty.

“I’ll talk to you as soon as I’ve worked it out…”

Rainbow’s words faltered, momentarily, and a thought lapsed up; ‘Was that really the best thing to say?’

“I…”

Rainbow felt her chest tighten.

“I promise.”

Rainbow stood up, rather more quickly than she meant to, and with the biggest trace of a reassuring smile as she could muster, she turned away from Applejack, and began the decent from Bloomberg’s hill, step by step, down between the apple trees, letting their swaying branches’ sounds engulf her once more.

Rainbow Dash just didn’t want to fly.