Many ponies who join the royal guard usually know what that "special thing" they do is. but what if that specialty was serving as a guard?, well for Dawn Blade that's exactly what happened. But after a few years of service the royal sisters are worried that he is putting his duty before everything else in his life and decide to try and show him there is more to life than simply serving all day every day. but will they be able to give him something to live for instead of something to die for
Chapters (3)
interesting.
my first impressions:
a different cutie-mark on the other flank? this goes against my head-canon, but i'll let it slide.
Dawn Blade seems a lot like a teacher's pet. or whatever the guard equivalent of that is. i don't like him so far, and he's not a sympathetic character. though i'm pretty sure this is intentional on your part.
the hair on the horse's neck is mane, not main.
capitalize Blaze's name.
this story has tons of potential. let's see where you go with this. annnndddddddddd, tracking.
Interesting.....tracking
311330 thank you i am currently working in the second (longer) chapter. i must ask should i structure the dialogue differently? i have seen most other story's separate the speech of the characters from the main text
Twilight shipping i assume.(would be more fun with Celestia and Luna heh)
Still interesting story,tracking
And most do separate it ,makes it easier to understand right away who is speaking and probably some other reasons.
311857
yes. it is proper form to start a new paragraph and indent every time the speaker changes.
for instance,
“Morning guard awaiting inspection captain!” called a unicorn in the far left of the room. Dawn trotted slowly down the only occupied isle of bunks in the large barrack, carefully inspecting each guard. First checking their coat and main for any discolouration, then their armour straps, pulling on a few to check if they were correctly fashioned. But then something caught his eye. An empty space along the isle, the wooden footlocker overturned and empty with the engraving “BLAZE” on the side. “Anypony know where private blaze is?” he called along the isle “he was summoned to the throne room late last night sir” said the unicorn on the far side of the room Dawn Blade raised an eyebrow “I would have thought he would be back by now” he said while putting the footlocker back in its place. As he flipped it open he saw a small necklace sitting in the bottom “was he told to take everything?” he asked blazes bunkmate “I believe so” the Pegasus said struggling not to yawn before covering his mouth with a hoof. Dawn Blade then placed the necklace inside his armour pouch before calling out “Very well... dismissed!”
becomes
“Morning guard awaiting inspection captain!” called a unicorn in the far left of the room. Dawn trotted slowly down the only occupied isle of bunks in the large barrack, carefully inspecting each guard. First checking their coat and main for any discolouration, then their armour straps, pulling on a few to check if they were correctly fashioned. But then something caught his eye. An empty space along the isle, the wooden footlocker overturned and empty with the engraving “BLAZE” on the side.
“Anypony know where private Blaze is?” he called along the isle.
“he was summoned to the throne room late last night sir,” said the unicorn on the far side of the room. Dawn Blade raised an eyebrow
“I would have thought he would be back by now,” He said while putting the footlocker back in its place. As he flipped it open he saw a small necklace sitting in the bottom “was he told to take everything?” He asked blaze's bunkmate.
“I believe so,” the Pegasus said struggling not to yawn before covering his mouth with a hoof. Dawn Blade then placed the necklace inside his armour pouch before calling out
“Very well... dismissed!”
it's a bit easier on the eyes, don't ya think? also, you might want a pre-reader, to catch all those little grammatical mistakes
312572 thank you for the help on that one, the second chapter should have better structure because i wrote the first one at around 4 in the morning.
Second chapter is up, if you see any more errors in my grammar could you point them out so i can fix them tomorrow. I am of to bed i haz work in 6 hours
i like where this is going. interesting character, interesting premise.
there's something about white towers shitting, you might wanna fix that.
also indent dialogue whenever the speaker changes.
328562 thank you for that one it flew right past me
Interesting. Wonder how dawn managed that one
Okay Dawn is at an impasse here. and i cant decide how he reacts (well his initial reaction will remain the same)
anyway. i want you lot to have a little vote on what he should do, the choices are:
(A) He leaves The Apple Tree in search for Blaze without waiting for Applejack to awaken
(B) He waits for Applejack to wake up before leaving and tries to get some answers about the night before
389260
I'm voting for B. I'm sure that if anything did happen last night then it would be better to talk about it straight after she wakes up rather than ditching her to talk to her later.
(B) Sounds fun/awkward.
do b please do b