Applejack and Rainbow Dash have gotten really close recently. Everypony can tell that they have feelings for each other, but when Fluttershy sees just how much Rainbow likes Applejack, things get complicated.
I was inspired to write this a long time ago after I read Holding on to Nothing by Dianwei32. It's a really good FlutterDash/AppleDash sad fic.
The cover art is by spittfireart on DA and the commissioner of the art is Tchernobog. It's an amazing piece that I came across a few days before I decided to write this. Being used with permission! :)
This is my first time writing fanfiction, or even writing, seriously, for that matter. So, constructive criticism would be appreciated and encouraged. The chapters will probably be short at first, but I promise I will better over time! :)
Not bad, not bad. Very short though; feels more like one scene, rather than one chapter. I feel almost like I read a sneak peak, rather than the finished work.
But, for a first time writer, you got the hard part down. AJ and RD are totally in character. Honestly I didn't even pay attention to Applejack's lack of written southern twang and only really noticed it when you brought it up
3562279
Wow, thanks! Yeah, I feel as though it's a bit short as well, but I don't want to overwhelm myself since I'm just starting. I'll start out slow and eventually I'll be able to pop out those thousand-word chapters like it's nothing when I get the hang of it.
It's good to know that her lack of accent doesn't take away from the story.
Thanks for the comment!
I inspired someone?
Wow, I'm honored that my story motivated you to write one of your own.
I gave this a read and it's alright. It's fairly basic, but that's definitely not a bad thing for your first story. There are a few grammatical errors (mainly the occasional missing comma), but nothing glaringly bad or obvious. One suggestion I would make is not to call Applejack "AJ" in the narrative (i.e. when you wrote "AJ sighed,"). It's fine for Dash to call her that, but the narrative should stick to her full name. Though, you also don't want to use her name all the time; don't be afraid to use pronouns (she/her) or descriptors (the farm pony, or the earth pony if she's the only one around). Just... also be careful not to go overboard with descriptors, or you'll end up with the dreaded "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome."
I know that my bits of advice kind of... conflict with each other (use AJ's full name... but not too much. Use descriptors... but not too much), but that's one of the joys of writing, having to strike a delicate balance between names, pronouns, and descriptors that lets the audience know who is doing/saying what, yet without becoming monotonous or confusing.
All of that being said, keep up the good work.
I like where this is going but I do have to agree that it is on the short side.
for you
Another thing I liked is how I can see this happening in the show (if they ever do an AppleDash pairing)
so here is a
3562327
Thanks for the critique, and I'll definitely take it all into account for the next chapter.
I never thought you'd actually see this, and it's kind of amazing really! Thank you so much for reading, and even more for writing Holding on to Nothing.
Thanks for the favourite too! :)
3562298
No problem! If you want to add to that word count, describe their surroundings. It doesn't have to be amazingly detailed or necessarily set the mood or anything, but telling us what the setting is like can give us an idea of where they are, no matter how ordinary it is.
3562333
I agree that its on the short side. As I become more acquainted I'll make them longer, I promise!
3562342
Thanks for the tip! That'll help a lot actually!
I must get in-touch with my more descriptive side.
So, you want some criticism on your story? Time to go through the categories.
1: Story. Haven't yet seen anything that I can note as amazing or horrendous as of yet. You're doing all right; the story isn't far enough along for me to give any true feedback here anyway.
2: Grammar. No noteworthy errors, as far as I could see. And about AJ's accent; I once saw a blog post on this site that made a well thought-out statement about how AJ's accent shouldn't be necessary, as we all know what her voice sounds like, and that it's her word choice that should differentiate her, not how she pronounces the word "I".
3: Story Execution. Needs a bit of work. There aren't very many details provided to any given object or event. The story is able to move along all right with the current level of detail, but a bit more would elevate it to a better status.
4: Length. A problem presents itself here; every chapter is SO DAMN SHORT. Just because you stopped writing for the day after 500 words doesn't mean you have to start a new chapter. At the current length of chapters, I would suggest combining every 4 to 20 chapters into one (I would recommend something closer to 4-I've written 6 complete and published fics on this site so far, and anything even close to 10k words a chapter seems an impossible goal).
3562492
I really appreciate the in-depth critique. Thank you for giving a rough guideline for length, that'll help out a bunch as I progress. Big thanks for the story execution critique. That's probably what will help me the most, and I believe that might contribute to the length as well.
I'm glad to know that AJ's lack of written accent doesn't take away from the story.
3562541 For the sake of convenience, I'll specify on length. Make every chapter 1.5 to 10k words long. For some reason, I felt the need to give you the answer to basic math that you can surely do on your own, but here you are.
wow great start! keep it up!
Good start but I have to agree with everyone else, just wish there was a bit more.
Definitely looking forward to seeing more. As others said, there isn't quite enough meat yet to see where this is going.
Also:
at the fic name and use of feathermarking~
And finally, that pic's my commission to spittfireart. It's fine with me if you use it, though of course you should probably also check on her page.
I like it
The only problem that I have is the the chapters are a little short.
I feel like a chapter should be, on average, 1000 words.
Also keep an eye on the pacing, so far it is pretty good, but male sure it doesn't get too fast
3562492
Not in my experience. I usually aim for closer to 5-8k words per chapter, but I've gone over 10k on a regular basis, and once for three or four chapters in a row.
3563211
Oh my gosh, wow. I read your stories all the time! I'll definitely go talk to spittfireart.
Thanks so much for the feedback!
3563718
The name of the fic kinda tipped me off on that
I still don't get why Fluttershy would be upset. then again I still want to see if Rainbow get to be with Applejack! (please let it be).
So, like in "Holding on to Nothing" does Applejack know Rainbow Dash feathermarked her?
3603702
She doesn't know what the gesture means if I recall correctly.
If this is the quality of your first story then I'll just give you a follow now. Needs some work, but that's been discussed above, it'll just take time and practice to smooth out your style and writing.
The chapters feels too short, but your writing is fantastic. Keep up the good work :D
One other piece of advice to add to what's already been covered:
Cut down on the overly-flowery dialogue attributions, and just use "said." (Or "asked", or "replied", as needed.) "Said" is an "invisible" word, from the reader's perspective, and they won't notice you using it -- but they will notice you going out of your way to avoid using it by constantly using attributions like "quipped", "explained", "echoed", "questioned", "mentioned", "commanded", etc. Save these high-dollar words for when you really need them to convey a specific tone of voice at a dramatic moment; using them constantly not only gets annoying to read, but eventually trains your reader to just ignore them entirely, and then they won't have the impact you want when you really need them to.
Surprisingly, that was one of the more accurate Fluttershy portrayals that I've seen. Keep it up, man, you're gettin' better.