• Member Since 19th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 28th, 2019

Tetragrammaton


Hello, in case you haven't noticed yet, my name's up there. My hobbies are doing philosophy and playing shoot-'em-ups, I like ponies and everything that has got wings, because wings are awesome.

T

There are things out there in the Wastelands even the historians don't know about.



Whirling Feather is just another ordinary pony in the Grand Pegasus Enclave military. Living above the protecting cloud cover, she's fairly oblivious to the poisonous wasteland below.
But after an unpleasant mission goes horribly wrong, she find herself grounded and isolated.
Now she simply wants to go home - but it is the Equestrian Wasteland, there is no such thing as simplicity.

Coverart done by the awseome and irreplaceable Slouping.
Check out his other art as well.









[This fiction is based on the one Kkat created. I do not own any rights concerning the Fallout games, My Little Pony or Fallout Equestria itself]

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 86 )

They are arresting him for helping those ponies? I hope he escape before they brand him

ouch, that must hurt, looking forward to seeing what happens and i shall impatiently await the next chapter

Nice work, a few spelling errors here or there but nothing that can't be remedied :pinkiesmile:

Keep up the good work.

Thank all of you for your nice and kind comments.

I always try to improve my spelling and use of words, since the english language isn't my mother tongue.

Thank you for standing by.

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I'm glad you liked it so far.

I'll try to be a little bit more active at the comments etc.
Your souls...ahem...I mean: you are important to me.

I very much apologize for the length of the latest chapters, exspecially this one.
I don't know what came over me to commit a crime such as this...

The next ones will be shorter again, I promise.
Please don't be mad.

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I don't know about everyone else, but I like the long chapters. And reading well made long chapters helps me me out fairly well. That and I like the details.

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Okay, let's see what the others say. The people who tell me to keep up the long chapters and the ones telling me to make shorter ones balance each other at the moment.

But even if I cut the chapter's lengh I doubt they'll be too short for people like you.
Just aiming for 15k instead of 20k+

4083556
Hardly a crime. If anything, it means your chapters have more thought and effort put into them. Don't fret about chapter length too much.:twilightsmile:

4250837
I dumped the idea of really "short" chapters already. I tried it with chapter 8 and 9, but my narrative style simply doesn't allow much shorter chapters. It feels as if I'm dropping details.
Thank you for reading the story (or at least the comments). I hope you like it.

Your own FoE story goes straight to my read-later list. :rainbowdetermined2:

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You are right about the scenes starting too early and the action being too descriptive. That's why I'm currently rewriting the first four chapters.
But I used the morning routine to show what she looks like.

As for Feather's character: I didn't try to make her a professional at all. She's not perfect at all and not incompetent too, she's just an ordinary, non-outstanding pegasus. I want the squad being essentially the same, she's not an outstanding pony in their ranks. She was quick-witted enough to take command (because that's what the protocol dictates, she's the second in command), and was lucky that everything turned out alright.
Her being the High General's daughter means she has to live up to expectations. And that means stick to the rules. She always sticks to the rules and the chain of command.

For the combat maneuver: no pony was killed in the making of this scene. Two were injured, but that's all. I will make this more clear once I got the rewrite done. And I'm not sure were I pictured the squad as troublesome. They achieved their goals in the training but were simply caught off.guard by the second ambush. It was a training sequence after all, they were told about everything but the fully-functional drones at the end.
I let them act a little bit incompetent, because that's my way of portraying the Enclave. Feather and her mates aren't real soldiers. Yes, they are trained to be soldier, but none of them ever was in a real battle. The more grown ups - like their trainer - yes, they fought the griffins (something I will elaborate in the rewrite too.), but the squad and all of the "soldiers" who are trained in the academy haven't been in real combat yet.

I thank you for your criticism :twilightsmile: and try to implement your tips into the rewrite.

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Right, I was just making suggestions on how this could roll out, but didn't realize. My advice on your OC is to make her stand out and be less cliche. Try to give her a unique personality that we can recognize.:pinkiesmile::scootangel:

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I'm working on it. The second chapter is the weakest. Nothing really happens and I will change that.
Thank you for taking the time to read the story. :twilightsmile:
The chapters I intend to rewrite are all very narrative and that's why I rewrite them.

Not much to be said by me other than the chapters before. And there's stuff like grammar, spelling, empty dialogue and etc.
An interesting plot point, but it could have been executed better. Other than that, I am laconic of feedback on this chapter.:derpyderp2:

One thing is certain, there's a lot of action here. But the way that you described the action scenes with short descriptions that the pace moves quick to the point where it's easy to lose track of the plot. In fact, that's what this entire chapter is, action. There are two parts in action scenes: Action and Reaction. Easily the action outnumbers the reactions that they go noticed. Reaction is quite important to not only visualize ourselves within, but to expand upon the characters further.
The direction this is going is okay, but to me, it seems stretched and cliche for a friend to willingly hunt down another friend without much question until the end. How I would write this beginning (and I just made it up here, so feel free to branch off of it) is that Sunshine is secretly murdered, and Feather is pinned the blame and forced to flee while being deemed a dashite in the process. It's more connecting to the POV character because that's who this story revolves around, Feather's interactions with everything else.

That's all I gotta say, and I humbly await your feedback on my chapter 2.:twilightsmile:

4274614
In fact, I'm currently working on the feedback for your second chapter.

The thing about your suggestion to make Feather a Dashite too. In my opinion, that is the real cliche I want to bypass. If you read a FoE story and there is a pegasus that's not evil or a dick in general, then it's either an earth born pegasus or a Dashite. I can count the still-enclave pegasi who are good guys on one hand.

The way I want to portray the Enclave is not as the bunch of selfish and cruel bastards they are usually. They are ponies too. And not everything is a conspiracy that makes the MC an outcast.

But I still thank you for the feedback. I try to implement your tips and hope I'm soon finished with the feedback for your story.

Welp, just got done reading this here chapter. *CLAP!* Let the criticism begin!:pinkiegasp:

I need to say that your paragraph format is.....pretty distracting. It's just easy to get caught off track and lost, so try to make them whole by double-spacing between two of them.

Another worthy note of mention is the dialogue. The dialogue of this chapters seems.....unnatural, awkward, and an exposition for dumping backstory and information. In fact, it seems like the second half of this chapter's purpose is to detail life on the wastes, which is something that many of us can already imagine without too much explicit detail.

Speaking of detail, you go in depth way too deeply. We honestly don't need to know the exact bullets the characters are buying, unless it is somewhat of a custom in the wasteland. By including it into your narrative and dialogue, it feels forced and unnatural.

My mind is *kaput* today, so that's what I got.:twilightsheepish:

So I'm still confused what is so maddening about this story

4305748 unless there is something in the future I have not come across yet I'm only on chapter 6

4305748
Is "maddening" something good or something bad?

Well I'm finally caught up (and while I'll probably get on your bad side for this) and I have to say ocomparing my character to yours they seem like complete opposites to one another especially in how the public sees them (though that might just be the area) hope to see lots more soon

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Well, she's a enclave-loyal pegasus and makes no secret of that (except for that one time).
And since the image the wastelanders have of the Enclave is delivered by Dashites, she is usually presumed to be "evil".
Slashwing is a stable pony, that might change the view of the ponies of the wasteland.

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well slashwing primary care is to the stable and then to his marefriend then his friends so far he cares little about the wastland beyond what the stable needs and how his friends live

Also if it's something you came up with can I use the line about the trottingham steel rangers having hundreds of pipbucks for a story point?

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It's not about what he cares for, but from where he comes. It's like you see someone walking around in a soviet or nazi-like or galactic empire uniform. When you first see them you think of them as evil and your first reaction might treat them as such too. That's what I meant with Slash being treated different than an enclave pegasus.

The PipBuck thing is nothing canon. I'm sure there are at least a dozen versions of Trottingham Rangers in different stories and I haven't read this before, I simply searched my mind for a reason not to confiscate that particular PipBuck. I never said hundreds (have I?) just more than enough. If you look at all the opened/failed Stables you have to ask yourself where all the PipBucks are going.

But sure, feel free to use this line.

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You know, I have to say that of all the named ranger factions I've encountered in 20,000,000+ words of fallout equestria, the trottingham rangers outnumber any other named ranger faction. I think it's eight stories I've read with them in it... Maybe more.

Good story, and I'm intrigued as to the true fate of her friends and the mystery factions. Though how you share an energy source buried on your forelegs is beyond me.

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I admit I haven't really thought about the faction name of the Rangers, Trottingham was just the first name that crossed my mind. Since Trottingham is far away from the location the story takes place at and the faction the scribe belongs to is basicly an offspring, "mine" aren't connected directly to the Trottingham Rangers.

Trottingham is just a really catchy ponyfied name. If you take the contingents in the area of Stabe 2 and Fillydelphia you'll get on the wrong side of FoE "purists" for not portraying them correctly (which indeed is a problem), if you take Hoofington Rangers it'll go against the PH fans for the same reason as above and against the FoE fans which despise PH, since they don't like PH. Trottingham is just really neutral (due to its massive use).

As for sharing the energy...
The current knowledge of the character about that can be summarized with "go figure". There are ponies with the right pieces of... hardware to harvest the energy. It all will be explained when it is happening. :twilightsmile:

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Sounds painful.

I'm assuming its soul powered or something- but who'd even give that a second thought as practical, yet alone invest a crap ton in it?
Well, it could be lightning powered or something...

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Well, it's more something-powered... By two pieces of things yet to be explained.
Lightning - or anything you can basicly see all day - seemed a bit too... ordinary to me.

It's Stable-Tec, they seem to have unlimited money. They invested a crap ton of money in a crap ton of other experimental things, so why not? Trying to create a non-coal energy source seems like a thing worth investing in, even if it turned out that there wasn't enough material for more, that's why it stayed experimental to the Last Day and the recovery two hundred years later. If I would have used something like lightning, which was at the pegasi's control at this moment, it would make the rest of the war over resources pretty pointless, would it? So in order to interfere with canon as little as possible I had to take something more rare.

But thanks for your comment, I really appreciate that. :twilightsmile:

You know what she needs? A cannon. Bitches love cannons!

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She has a cannon, at least for the next three chapters...
Believe me, there will be something much better as the story progresses... (although it isn't a chainsaw, but it'll do its job)

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Indeed... but fortunately she's a main character.

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I really commend you for giving the enclave more of a image that they aren't all just a bunch of pricks. Paraphrasing from Calamity ,"There are good ponies. They are just following orders" Note 'paraphrasing'. The enclave seems more of a military, not some bond bad guy thing. The lower grades are just following orders, whether they agree with said orders or not. Sort of like soldiers in the real world.

Now, to a more critical note. My main issue is Silver Tongue's sudden attitude swing. He's set up like a businessman, but then makes a heavy shift and tries to rape Feather. I get he was disappointed, but that seems like a stretch.

To be fair, that's my only issue.

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Thanks for the compliment on the Enclave. Like you I never saw them as the "Son-of-a-Bitch Society", like they are in most other stories. :twilightsmile:

As for Sliver Tongue:
He wasn't just disappointed. He had lost an assload of money in the process. 5000 caps alone for temporary freeing Feather are a bit much, a non-compensated loss like that would certainly ruin any wasteland company. It was all or nothing. Without the caps they would make from this undertaking, they had nothing to protect themselves from the Steel Rangers in the future (stated in chapter 9). So the "loss of the treasure" was basicly a death sentence to Silver Tongue and his ponies.
And him being disappointed and terrified (on the inside) about that weren't the only reasons for his actions, the main reason for him becoming that angry was that Feather admitted that she was keeping his price from him. That's like a bit more than just disappointed. He staked everything on one card and his "opponent" cheated on him.

But I agree with you, it was a bit of a stretch.

I thank you for your criticism and will try to do better next time. :twilightsheepish:

P.S.: I'm going to read the next chapter of your story either tonight or next week, I'm kinda busy for the next four days.

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I suppose disappointed was the wrong term to use. Enraged sounds better now that i have 20/20 hindsight.

Still though, the rape thing is more a raider type reaction than businessman type. I'd be more willing to believe he had gotten mad enough to try and kill Feather since that's a common reaction in the wastes.

Thanks. Means a lot. Side note, finally got some fan art for the cover art. Gives a good look at the armor appearance. And I thanked the artist gratuitously.

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You're completely right, it seems very raider-like and unfitting for his character. But you never really know wastelanders...

The thing was I was in need of a close-quarter combat scene with Feather being almost too shocked to do anything. Just "I'm going to kill you" might have had no too remarkable effect on her at this point, she had that almost each day for the last week. Still shocking to her, but maybe not shocking enough. Silver attacking with a knife or something like that also seemed a bit non-businessman-like to me.

But that's all meta-talk. I guess "he wanted to do the worst to her" is the best explanation I can give you. :twilightblush:

4502215 Yeah. I have a small issue with being meta.

Even coming down to certain meta jokes that I make that sometimes fly over some people's heads.

yay great new chapter thanks for working so hard on it

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Thank you (all) for reading it. :twilightsmile:
Btw. how's your story going?

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good
mind you I think my editor may have died

I'm guardedly optimistic for this. I really really really love FoE and this might just give me muse to reincarnate my own story

Also I just noticed your name is Tetragrammaton.
Greetings fellow Cleric.
Equilibrium > The Matrix.

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I'll take that as a compliment.

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Indeed, although both movies are good. And I wrote one small scene closely resembling one in the movie. :twilightsheepish:
P.S.: Partridge is best Cleric. :rainbowdetermined2:

Finally get a chance to read back up on my backlogged favorites page. And it's a hell of a return.

The action scenes were done very well and I have to admit that I'm a bit of a fan of banter in stressful scenarios.

Never found myself bored here

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Yeah, the new favorite/library/whatever system is a bit confusing...
Whatever...

Thank you for re-reading and I hope we'll get another chapter of Shadow Knight sometime soon.

DI Wind Claw reminds me of one of my drill sergeants in BCT. If he's smiling, it's going to be a scary day.

Another good job with the rewrite. Definitely got more character from the team and what they mean to Feather. Which means it's going to hurt more with that crash coming up.

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Again, thank you very much for reading and even commenting.
It's always good to see that a - even if it's just one - person liked what I wrote down.:twilightsmile:

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I'm definitely trying. Too many ideas going on in my head all at once and trying to sort them out.

Anyway. Back to this chapter....I really want to find out who this alicorn is. There's too much around him that would just be a hallucination. Even going as far as to warn feather about impending doom.

And this place the goddess can't venture into despite radiation being present.

I've got to find out more.

Also, your replies never showed up in my social log. Odd.

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It's odd indeed. Sometimes your's (or other people's) comments don't show up on my counter too or if they're there for about five seconds and then dissapear. And sometimes there're phantom-notifications, leading me to comments made a few days ago.
Odd indeed.

The Goddess can't go in there, because there's apparently something messing with pony minds in there, noticeable when that last alicorn said "come with me" and "please".
But all of that will be further elaborated in the next chapter.:twilightsmile:

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Thank you very much.:twilightsmile: Is there anything in particular you liked?

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