Dr_Whipples
Joined 27th Sep, 2012 ·
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- Jingle · 2k words · 31 12 · 1.9k views
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Keep it up
Indeed.
3562226
3560200
Thanks!
So I'm guessing you enjoyed it?
3562268 Very much, keep it up!
You have my attention...
I HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS WOULD BECOME SO POPULAR!!!!
You 'ave acquired my interest
Hello! It seems that, at a glance, you are one of the many people who have written yet another fic about your original character befriending one of the mane six, and possibly entering into a relationship with them at the time of this fic or in future chapters! You even included the mature and sex tags, and for this I am certain to expect an intimate relationship between your oc, Whip, and Rainbow Dash. This seems to be a common character to romance in these kinds of fics (though I would use the word "Romance" lightly here) with Fluttershy as the more common alternative. It's because Rainbow is so awesome, isn't it?
Anyways, because i'm tired and angry and depressed and self-loathing like every other night, I feel like going back to my roots, back to when I first joined this site and "help" you through the conduit of reprimanding you through typed words, while simultaneously offering advice on your writing, and the things not to do.
Before this, I will give you a simple explanation about the general consensus on this kind of fiction and how it is held in regards to popular opinion on this site. OC fics of any kind are scrutinized more than fics being written about the mane six and their adventures, simply because you, as the author, are creating a new character from your imagination, and there is a process of showing off their personality and how they are that needs to be dealt with carefully. There is a sort of stigma surrounding oc ponies on this site due to the vast majority of them either being mary sues, self-inserts, or just poorly done.
What I see from simply looking at your description is that this is yet another of the countless OCxCanon character (Mane six romances are the most common) wherein your OC is in Ponyville for whatever reason and quickly warms up with whatever love interest the author decides to pair him with, with little regards for story other than for the purpose of poorly written clop with little plot to speak of. Simply put, looking at this I would honestly not want to read it and feel inclined to vote it down because of the content, and most people seem to have done so already
On top of this being an OC romance, it also looks to be your first and only fic, which preaches unprofessionalism on your part to some of the more critical readers, and makes it harder for them to go into this story with a good feeling about your writing. This is not really a bad thing at all, plenty of writers on here have only written one story or have had well-done stories to start them off, but having this compounded with an oc romance fic like you do here makes it all that more unappealing.
Romance, sex, mature, OC and mane six tags with a synopsis that reveals that an original character is in fact involved with Twilight or her friends is a huge turnoff for most readers on here.
...And the entirety of what i've read in this first chapter is for some reason the OC laying in a bed, dog-piled by the mane six, trying to keep his boner under control because of Twilight's position on his belly.
I know this is your story, probably written for more personal reasons and whatnot, but this is simply me telling you the state of things on here in regards to your chosen subject of writing. Take this as advice, and nothing less. Use it to better understand just why you are receiving downvotes.
Your account is not too much older than mine, and it seems that you have been here for a while but with little account activity. I was kind of hoping that you would have caught on by now and read tons of fanfics to get a rough idea of "good" stories, and use some of those examples to gauge your writing, because that was the other bit of advice I wanted to give you.
Your spelling and grammar is decent, and if you wish for a detailed guide for writing in general, here
Again, I won't downvote. I never do if it seems that those I offer advice to have honestly tried but were, to a certain degree, clueless on how to go about things.
3563362
Thank you for your concern. I am always open to criticism.
Now in regard to the amount of fanfics I have read, I am very picky. I will read the first chapter, but if it does not interest me I will not read it. I also am a very active member of the role playing site, Ponysquare. On the site I am a narrative role player, which means I enjoy describing everything that's going on, it's really not that different that writing a fanfic.
Now, about this fanfic in general. I thought of this fanfic in my time on Ponysquare. The reason it is writen the way it is, regarding the mane six loving him, Whip for some reason attracts the attention of a lot of mares on Ponysquare. So, I used that info, and I integrated it into the plot of the story.
This of course is a chapter about present time for him, most of the following chapters will be about how it got up to that point. In regards to Rainbow Dash, I have yet to decide whether or not she will decide to be with him or not in the end. I want to keep my options open for now.
At the moment, this story seems to be very popular and I can only hope that it's popularity will increase as time goes by. I will not be updating this story every day or possibly not even every week.
Thank you again for giving me feed back. It always helps.
3564810 I guess I will also throw in my two cents as well, seeing as that fine gentleman has already commented on the rough waters you are currently treading, so I will assist as well to the best of my abilities to keep you afloat as well.
I used to be an avid role player back in the day. Still am, as I was pretty much born a D&D nerd. One thing that always set me apart from most was my lack of desire for broken characters and more of creating something that goes beyond a stat roll. (Nerding it out FTW) Ahem...sorry about that. Anyways, I have also done online RPing, and between that and what goes on, I have a general feel that "most" RP style characters never really equate into good story characters. I say most simply because I have seen a few who have a genuine care in the characters they make, and treat them as more than just an extension of what they would like to see. I don't know your style, so I cannot comment on it if you are the same.
I mention all of this because of your comment about narrative RPing being similar to writing. Though I don't think you are wrong, you are not necessarily right either. For many RPer's the character is created as you go along. You start off with a blank canvas, and use interactions and events to help shape and mold your characters personality. Writing, on the other hand, shouldn't have characters like that. Expressing them as such is one thing, but make sure you go into it having a clear picture of how you want your character to be. His strengths, his faults, quirks, obsessions. Every little bit counts. In a story along the lines of mature, make sure you present your character as more than just that one dude who is going to be banging the chicks, so to speak. Morals, standards, and most importantly, emotions and reactions. Most importantly, never create a character to try and place yourself into the story. It isn't about the whole self insert stigma, but more about the quality of the work itself. When you put yourself into it, it has a tendency to let your emotions take control of the rationality of what you are trying to write. You will want to showcase less flaws and make yourself seem better simply as a tool for escape rather than an artistic expression. A truly interesting character will be flawed, make mistakes, even have stupid irrational fears, but altogether create something that is unique.
This is all simply advise from my perspective, and in no way applies to your current work, or anything prior. I am just stating what I have seen in the past, as well as what I know from personal experience. It is okay to create the character you want to be, but don't create you as a character. You haven't truly established a character yet, as you instead established a situation and a problem. Take the time in the next chapter to really tell us about Whip, and you will be surprised by even yourself as you reread your work.
3572598
Thank you for your input. As I told Mr Pones, every little bit helps.
As far as Whips personality goes, I have thought deeply about him. Originally, I had a different pony named Lemontop, who is Whips mother. Whip was actually just an idea for almost a year. I actually have a note book that has several pages about his personality and such. I worked very hard to make him into a well rounded character. He has flaws, he has weaknesses and he also has strengths. And he is a little like me. Both of us are usually pretty chill for the most part, but he's the one that wants to go out and do things. The light burns me.
Over all, I think that Whip will be an interesting character to follow through the story. You might see something you weren't expecting.
3573064 Then I wish you the best of luck and offer my condolences to all the mental frustration that you will be most likely suffering while writing this one.
3573487
It's already getting there. XD I had to read a few fics to kinda understand what I should do.
I even read a clop to see what I might have to do in the future. To say the least I was kinda disappointed in the story that I read.
3574677 hence why we elect to offer you advise. I generally can't stand clop, simply because it is more often poorly written. If it is well written, then I am all for it. Just because you put sex in a story doesn't mean you should slack on everything else and expect people to like it because of sex. Maybe for a few lonely thirteen year old boys that would work, but most people still have standards. (This comment was not made to offend teenagers in any way, shape and form. If this comment bothers you, my bad.)
There is nothing wrong to writing erotic fiction, either. Heck, even I have done it. The point it to at least make it well. Check some of the groups dedicated to that sort of thing to maybe get some ideas on how it should be. Check it out here, as much in this group is easily above par. Kinda hoping mine gets accepted as well, but that's just me shamelessly self advertising
3575463
I actually found a well written clop today! It was a pair that not many people have thought about.
Sorren and Daring Do. o_o
It was actually very well written, everything made sense to me. If you would like I can send you the link to the story. I believe that you would enjoy it.
3575545 Go for it. On a side note, one plus that you have on your side. Your character is not a black and red alicorn. Never do that. Ever. Trust me on this one.
3575560
Oh I know.
There are so many on the role playing site I use I almost cry whenever I see another one.
Here's that link.Story
i was so confused that could not stop laughing it was so funny how pinkie just jumped in and said all that
3580579
It just seemed like Pinkie would be the one to be like that. I thought of that last minute actually.
3580816 well I agree with you there she does seem like the one to come out like that And I'm glad you added that to To story it made my day
3580869 Well I'm glad you enjoyed it. There will definitely be more times where Pinkie is quite blunt with things. I have a few ideas.
Great job on the new chapter! Keep up the good work, and take as long as you find necessary!
Ha ha! I wonder what Twilight was reading that made her act in such a fashion.
3664156 If you MUST know.
It was "Fifty Shades of Hay". The MLP version of the real book, "Fifty Shades of Grey"
You've got something good going and keep it up, I'm enjoying it so far and I can't wait for more and you remind me a lot of what I did when I wrote my own fic, which is small chapters in big bursts, so keep writing like that and you should be fine.
I have a question, may I become the proof-reader of this story? There are a few mistakes that I would like to correct. Please?
~OreoKookie
4306917
I am flattered that you would like to proof read my story. I only request that you do not change my ideas, but rather fix my mistakes.
4306959
Why of course! Do you write this in google docs?
~OreoKookie
4307096
Nope. I write it here on the site.
4307273
Oh, that's going to make this process way harder.
~OreoKookie
I like this story please update soon
Nice to see this story is till up. Man, is Pinkie really affectuous with that guy.
5709277
Oh yeah. Pinkie is just.....out there. Rather than just having a crush and hiding it, she just lets it all out.