Chapter 1
Roxas just arrived in ponyville and he took his time to check the scenery. He may have been in the big city if Trotting ham, but Ponyville was another story. He has never seen so much greenery in a small town. He knew it was going to take a while to get use to his surroundings.
‘So this is Ponyville; I wonder if anyone has seen me around here.’ He thought.
His thoughts were soon diminished when he was tackled by a pink blur out of nowhere.
“Ow, my aching head. What was that?” said Roxas groaning in pain.
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there” said a voice.
Roxas gets up, dusted himself off, and check his surrounding to where the voice came from. He noticed a bright pink mare with a puffed up mane and tail. Her smile started to creep Roxas out. Roxas was about to say something when she gasped and stormed off.
“(Gasping)”
‘What was that all about’ he thought.
“I see you just met Pinkie Pie. She can be a major riot.” said a voice.
“Who said that?”
“Over here.”
Roxas turned his head to find that second voice to spot a sky blue unicorn with a cool mint mane and tail.
“Hello there. My name is Roxas.”
“The name’s Lyra Heartstrings. So what are you doing around here? I’ve never seen a colt quite like you before”
"That's the reason why I came hear. I was hoping somepony saw me before." He implied.
"What are you talking about?" Lyra exclaimed.
"I have no memory."
Lyra gasped at what Roxas said. Why would he be here when he has no memory of his life or past?
"Wow, that must be hard for you. But I don't think anypony has seen you around here." She said worried
"But tell ya what: how about I show ya around town? You can get to know the pony folk around here."
"Thank you. At least with you around I'll e able to understand my surroundings better." He said calmly.
"Okay then, I'll lead you follow." Lyra said cheerfully.
So Lyra began showing Roxas around Ponyville and even talked about herself more so Roxas could get to know her better. She even introduced her friends, including Vinyl Scratch (DJ pon-3) and her roommate Octavia Melody. Roxas has really gotten to know them very well. He still wonders about his past.
"Really he has no memory of his life?" Octavia asked worriedly.
"Yeah. He said the reason he came down here was that he hoped somepony around here knew him. but so far, no luck." Lyra said with a heavy sigh.
"Well we can't just leave the guy hanging." Vinyl said.
"Well what are we going to do Vinyl?" implied Octavia.
"We can let him stay with you and me until he's settled in" Added Vinyl.
"Uh Vinyl, where is he exactly?" said Octavia when he noticed he was no longer in their house.
"Oh he said he was hungry so I let Lyra take him over to SugarCube Corner."
"I just wanted a simple lunch Lyra; why are we going to a place like this to get sweets?" said Roxas.
"Trust me, you are gonna love this place. It's where I come for lunch all the time." said Lyra cheerfully.
"Well, if the food here is that good, I'll give it a shot."
They walked in to see that business was pretty slow. Still Lyra opted for the BBS(Banana Split Supreme) while Roxas just wanted a milkshake.
"Mornin' Mr. Cake. I'd like a banana split supreme." Said Lyra cheerfully
"Can I just have a blueberry milkshake?" said Roxas
"Sure thing you to coming right up. Pinkie Pie could you come down here and help with the Banana Split Supreme?"
"Okie Doki Loki Mr. Cake." said a voice coming from downstairs.
Roxas immediately recognized her as the same mare he bumped into but took off for some odd reason. He figured her name was Pinkie Pie since her mane and coat were completely well, PINK. When she saw Roxas she jump in surprise and her party cannon accidentally hit Roxas clean in the face. Ms. Cake heard crashing noises and went to check outside to see a young colt on the floor, passed out. He was on her bed when he finally came too.
"What just happened?" He groaned.
"Oh good you're finally awake" said Pinkie Worriedly.
"Where am I?"
"You're in my room silly filly."
"I'm not a filly. Ow!" he said annoyed but then winced in pain.
"Careful young colt, you took a sharp blow to the head back their." Said Mrs. Cake.
"Are you okay?" asked Pinkie Pie worriedly.
Unknown to then was that Roxas had a memory surge of his past life. That blast to the head by Pinkie's party cannon help a portion of his memory resurface.
"When is my time?" Said Roxas in his mind.
"Your time will come when you are ready Roxas." said a voice clear in the background where Roxas couldn't see it.
"Hey, are you okay?" Said Lyra.
"I'm fine. I felt like I remembered something thanks to Pinkie Pie." assured Roxas.
"Pinkie Pie helped you remember something?" asked Lyra confused.
"Yes I remember seeing someone who sent me here; but I can't remember for what exactly."
"I guess thanks to her you managed to get a piece of my memory back."
"Ohh lets do it again." said Pinkie Pie enthusiastically.
"I don't think so Pinkie dear. wouldn't want you going to go knocking this fella out again." warned Mrs. Cake
"Ah pickles, fine."
"well it was nice to meet you all."
"But come back later, you coming to Ponyville calls for a PARTY!" yelled Pinkie.
Roxas said okay to the Cakes and Pinkie and he wondered how Pinkie's friends acted. But unknown to Roxas and his friends, is that dark forces are work in the shadows.
"Soon the land of Equestria shall be known as the land of darkness." Said a shadow drone
"indeed it shall be" said another drone.
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A few grammatical errors but thats okay
but you are taking the story really fast. Slow down and add some details.
but overall, great story.
Keep up the awesome work. I'm gonna favorite this so I can read more^^
???
This is Lyra:
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/252/f/b/lyra_heartstrings_by_moongazeponies-d5e6f6u.png
Based on that small description, I'm guessing you mean Colgate (at least, that's what I know her as):
3.bp.blogspot.com/-tYQ2mdNrQ-4/UN8Z86RRYFI/AAAAAAAACZM/9MZIPBeyWH0/s1600/mlp+colgate.png
Another issue that occurs throughout the chapter is that you flip from past tense to present in narration. A story should only be written in one tense. While I personally find past tense to be the best, figure out which works best for you and follow it. You use past tense for the most part, so I'd stick with that.
Third, don't do this:
Repeating information like that is redundant. We already know that Roxas ordered a milkshake and Lyra ordered a banana split from the narration. Choose one and remove the other (though the dialogue would need some expanding, what did Carrot say, what does he look like, was the room crowded, etc, never rely on the reader to fully paint the picture you are trying to create, you are the one who needs to do that).
Other than that, there are several missing words (ex: "...is that dark forces are work in the shadows." should have an "at" before "work"), homophone errors (there/their/they're errors), and various other grammar errors. There are plenty of people willing to edit your work if you are looking for an editor (which I highly recommend, no matter what skill level a person is at). There are even a few groups available for that specific reason.