Celestia's poor performance in seduction

by Shadowstalker

Smells like turkey with a dash of absolute terror

Celestia took the player out of her saddle bag and set it on her bed. Climbing on, she got comfortable and was about to put the headphones on when she remembered who would be speaking. Gritting her teeth, she got up and teleported to her sisters room where she would flip the lunar alicorn out of bed by uplifting the mattress.

As she disappeared, a white flash filled the room and Discord stood there, grinning with a bag in his paw. Looking around, he tugged on his beard until his mischievous little eyes stopped on the player on Celestia's bed. Floating over, he popped it open and took the tap out to examine.

"Nice color," he remarked before putting it in his bag. "How about I stir things up? Oh, but what should I use?" He muttered as he rummaged through the other tapes. "Ah, cooking for griffons: How to prepare a turkey. Oh, and it's even by her sister. I remember helping with this," he smiled in before he turned green. "That poor bird. Even if it was already dead." He said putting his tape in and teleporting away.

Celestia came back, a befuddled expression on her face as she got back on her bed. Putting the headphones on, she pressed play and closed her eyes as her sisters voice came into focus.

"Today, we will be learning how to start the fire within our bird. A large male to be exact," Luna said. "Quite a good sized one should do it for your ravenous listeners."

"A role playing tape?" Celestia said to herself. "This should be interesting."

"First, you must put on your apron," she could hear her sister tying something by the sound of ruffling feathers. "Now, lay the bird on a flat surface, clean him with a rough touch to get any foreign pieces off."

"He does like it when I nibble on his right ear," she giggled. "I'll make sure to get both and give him an extra kiss."

"Once you are done with the cleaning," Luna said. "Reach in and pull out the goods, which we will use later for our special gravy."

"I think I like where this is going." Celestia smiled. "Still, it's very strange to hear my sister saying this. At least she isn't being blunt with it."

"Once you have emptied him, wash yourself and him off before wrapping him in either foil or plastic; I have heard plastic works best to keep in the flavor, so we will use the heat resistant brand I have with me. Now, before we wrap him up, so to speak, we must put on the seasoning and butter so he will not dry up. make sure to cover him in the following spices: pepper, paprika, salt, garlic powder, nutmeg and then add the oil. Exact measurements do not matter, just as long as you are comfortable with it."

"Strange, but she knows what she's doing." Celestia muttered to herself. "I doubt he will mind very much."

"Now, take your baster, if you have one, and insert it through the top of the neck and pour in your stuffing."

"A... Horn job?" She said pausing the tape. "I can already tell this is going to be remarkable." She giggled as a few memories came back from the earlier times they were alone. Pushing play, the tape continued.

"Once you are finished, wrap him up and stick him on the ovens lower bars, add a few more pieces of log to the fire, not anything else or that will dry him up."

"The oven?" She said pausing it. "What is in this?" She asked herself opening the player. "A cooking guide? I'm not sure if I should feel insulted or shocked." Looking at it, she narrowed her eyes as she remembered what Discord had done the year before. Making the food come alive and ruining everything but desert. "Lets see how long it takes for you to stop this joke, dear."

She pressed play and could hardly hear the tape over the sound of her teeth grinding.

"Once he is in, wait an hour, depending his size it may take more, but after it has passed, take him out and enjoy! Thank you for listening to-"

Celestia threw off her headphones, grinning with a faint blush on her cheeks and a mind full of revenge as she went to the kitchen.

Two Hours Later. The Dining hall.

Luna sat at the table, her head resting on her fore-hooves as her stomach growled. Looking to the side, she could see the shadow of her sister on the floor as she moved around in the kitchen.

"Prancing," she whispered. "She's prancing while wearing that ridiculous outfit." She said. "She truly is as mad as Discord said she was."

"Mad? When did I say that?"

She flinched and looked up to see him standing on the ceiling. She rolled her eyes as he simply dripped off and puddled next to her.

"Get off the floor," she said. "My sister said she has a surprise for you in the kitchen. Now go so I may get my meal before the night."

He raised an eyebrow at her before smirking as he saw Celestia at the kitchen doors, giving him a sultry look while wearing a small apron. She winked at him and went back in, he slid across the floor to her and gave Luna a mock salute before entering.

"If I find a hair in my food," Luna mumbled. "I'll cook both of them just as I did that turkey."

One Hour And Twelve Minutes Later

Luna was about to leave when she heard a crash, her sister yelling something, but it was hard to hear through the wall and wooden doors. As she turned towards the kitchen entrance, Discord, or something like him, came running out, yelling.

"Discord?" She said making him stop, and it was him. "What happened?"

"I don't know," he said looking down at his light-brown body. "We were you know, she was rubbing some blend of spices and butter, she said it was to feel good, and then we went at it some more, and then she threw me in the oven!" He said. "It's just like-I put in your guide to cook a turkey!" He said slapping his flaky talon against his face.

"She had that tape?" Luna asked as her sister stepped out. "Celestia, explain to me why you tried to cook Discord like a turkey!"

"I would like him to explain why he switched my tape." She retorted.

"Oh, you knew?" He said nervously. "And you still cooked me to perfection?"

"Yes I knew," she said. "I was wondering why you crawled in the oven though. Hadn't you figured out that your little joke had backfired?"

"A good prank is not fully done without devotion." He said giving a bow. "But, why did you cook me? You could have just stopped and yelled at me instead."

"I thought it was justified after the little stunt you pulled last year." She said making them all shiver. "You're lucky I only cooked you."

"I understand her actions, Discord," Luna said interrupting the two. "What I still do not understand is why you changed the tapes?"

"I thought it was ridiculous," he said. "Why would she need a tape explaining how to have sex? We've been doing it for two weeks at the most. So, I improvised. Truth be told, I don't mind this outcome much." He said licking his fingers. "I've got to resist eating myself though."

"Since you two have made a mess of the kitchen, and I will be getting no diner, do either of you have anything to say for yourselves?" She said glaring at her sister as she shook her head.

"Two things," Discord said said. "Yes, I changed the tape and this is my fault." He said making Celestia roll her eyes. "Don't roll your eyes, I'm the one who got cooked."

"And the second?" Luna asked watching the nub of his tail swish around.

"I taste delicious." He remarked before chewing on his cloven leg.

"He does taste delicious, in more ways than one." Celestia said giggling as he sister blanched.

"I am thankful I have not eaten yet." She said scowling as Discord attempted to eat his tail. "Why can we never have a normal holiday celebration?"

Author's Note:

If this has actually happened... My god. I hope he at least tasted delicious afterwards.

Comments

[Yildun]

The basic concept is interesting: Discord ruins his own evening by pulling a prank on his special some pony.

However, the actual story could be a lot better. The details and humor ask too much of my suspension of disbelief, since they mostly require the characters to act extremely stupid, in order to get the job done. Discord not even looking at the tape before switching it I could buy, but Celestia never suspecting a thing and not realizing the oven would cook her lover is a bit too much. Also, Discord not knowing until after he'd been cooked is equally bizarre.

Celestia acting like an average pony, and going to a random library, is awkward. She is royalty, and she has her own royal library. Even if she likes being accepted as normal, there are just some perks that make that pointless. That they didn't recognize her, and had a policy of only checking out sex self-help tapes with a record of who it was, how old they are, and etc is equally awkward and downright unrealistic.

The build-up to the main joke was far too long. This could have easily been condensed into one chapter. The writing itself was mostly awkward: the structure of some sentences confused me a few times, and overall it could have used some serious editing, especially the dialog. I'm not a grammar nazi, and this isn't the worst I've ever seen. I just feel a lot of potential was wasted, which is why I'm leaving a review, in the hopes it'll help out.

[Yildun]

3552646
LOL True that. He would know and then do it to see if she realizes, without recognizing the consequences of his actions, perhaps. However, he'd figure it out a lot quicker, and just mock her for not guessing... or something else lolworthy would result.

Just not the outcome in this fanfic.

[Shadowstalker]

3552676 Do you think they would have those sort of things in a royal library? And the oven, you got me on that one. But they were not acting like idiots, Discord and Luna were fine, but Celestia was listening to what she thought was a role playing tape, not a cooking one.

Yes, I could have shortened it, but I felt it would ruin the value. And the library, if the guy was sitting there long enough for his joints to sound like that, how often do you think he gets out? Maybe he was sleepy, or it was old age. Along with the other things I could have changed, the age, name and address would be normal. You cant give those out to a minor, you need the name and address to send an overdue bill if need be.

Jeez, I really know how to sound unintentionally snappish, don't I? Apologies if you took this the wrong way, but I wanted this to be a special thing, you know? One for the holiday's.

[Yildun]

3552773
A royal princess would have the book purchased for her royal library, and then it would be in the library. She would send someone else to buy it, since she is generally busy with other matters and she has a royal treasurer. This is even more likely if she was embarrassed about getting it. Sending a royal page or a royal messenger is more discreet.

As far as a library goes, that is what library cards are for. But no one questions self-help books, even if they're about sex, especially if it's clearly an adult. Celestia is literally taller than any pony stallion. If they think she's a minor, and they don't recognize her, nor do they know where she lives, it's a failed joke. In general, this whole thing reads as if very little thought was put into it. The humor failed for me, because it tries too hard and doesn't have enough basis in realism.

Most important of all, the story itself should get everything across. If the librarian was very tired, and that is why that happened, then it should have been hinted at in the story.

Brevity is the soul of wit, and unnecessary padding doesn't improve any story. Blueblood's arrival accomplished nothing, and there were other tidbits like that.

I realize you wanted to do this quickly, but that doesn't explain making it longer than it needed to be? Kind of the antithesis of being speedy, unless that's why there was a lack of editing/proofreading.

Sorry if I come off as snappy as well. I'm just explaining it as I see it.

Incidentally, I think if Discord wasn't enjoying the sex, I'm pretty sure that he'd have said something, even if he genuinely loved her. He might not be as annoying about it as he can be, but I can't imagine him suffering anything in complete silence. He doesn't exactly run from a fight, although he may have less experience in relationships. That's just my impression. I can still see it generating some good romance conflict for him.

[Shadowstalker]

3552863 I've edited and hopefully it's better. If not, I might just have a mental breakdown.

[Yildun]

3553515
Hey, I'm sincerely sorry if I've stressed you out. I never wanted that.

Don't fret too much over my comments, although I'm really glad you're taking them seriously. I'll read this again later, and give you more feedback then. Right now I can't, because I've got work soon, and I prefer to devote a lot of time to my comments, rather than being hasty and miss something. I think perhaps I was a little too brief before, and should have expressed the extent of my view of how I would handle it a bit differently. Some of that is just personal perspective, but most of it is what I thought could have been cut to tighten it up.

I appreciate that you wrote this at all, and that you did get it done in time for the holiday, since meeting any deadline, even self-imposed, is definitely an accomplishment. You really did have a nice, creative idea to begin with. I just felt it could be polished and improved, and most stories can be, especially if no one else gives it a go over before it gets published.

If you'd like to PM me or anything in the meantime, please do, though it will probably be awhile before I can respond. I want to help, not upset.

[Loremaster101]

Just the right amount of awkward to make it weird enough to like it.
A nice short story indeed.

[Yildun]

Well, the lack of library cards aside, I think the changes were all definitely for the better. I feel it could still use a little bit of stream-lining, editing for flow in some places, but it's good.

[Destun Torrachen]

3560149
tru dat

[Pony Knight]

Bravo, I was laughing so hard I almost pissed my self

[MidnightFMare]

oh by the eldrich horors! i would have expected this from pinkie (after reading cupcakes... i stopped eating there)

[user123]