The Time Applebloom Fell Asleep in a Basket of Apples and Everypony Panicked

Applebloom falls asleep in a basket of apples, and when Applejack can't find her, the Apples freak out.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 7
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Titanium Dragon

Titanium Dragon #1 · Nov 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Alright, so, this story has a lot of problems.

First off, the premise is actually okay - Applebloom falling asleep somewhere she shouldn't, and ending up missing as a result. That being said, the execution was weak.

1) The dialogue was just bland. It was not interesting, it didn't capture me, it didn't do anything for me.

2) There is no sense of panic at all. The prose is boring, and we don't really see Applejack gradually getting more and more scared. Moreover, it is very unlikely, in the context of the world, that she would get scared in such a short period of time - Applebloom and her friends wander off all the time. It would be much more likely she'd be frustrated at first, and then only really start to panic when she, say, missed dinner or something, with things getting worse as night fell.

3) She would probably look in the clubhouse and ask Applebloom's friends, and as such, the diversionary meeting to Twilight is irrelevant. Moreover, Twilight would help look for Applebloom - she wouldn't just blow it off if one of her friends was panicking. Indeed, bringing in more of her friends to help could help contribute to her panic, as they failed to find her.

4) The actual ending was meh.

5) I'm not sure that the story is long enough to even build up the kind of emotional impact you'd want from a story like this. You need to have enough space to breathe in for the story to actually get Applejack upset, and then have the feels come at the end when Applebloom is found safe and sound.

6) It might have been better if we hadn't seen where Applebloom disappeared to, so that we were as left in the dark as Applejack was for the whole story, so the reveal would work that much better.

This could have been a fine story, but the execution failed to engage.

daring x dash

daring x dash #2 · Nov 28th, 2013 · · 1 ·

3550291 it's a story have fun don't be a jerk

ConEditor

ConEditor #3 · Nov 28th, 2013 · · ·

3550291 Crunstuctivationating citicrism eh? "I love you, daddy." Who'd write such trash. I'm...an egghead. Zzz... Yes, it's all true. It needs to be about 20% coo.. *vomit* I don't give an shitheaded damnfuck. I'm just saying random crap to make this a worthwhile comment to read. I agree with you. It is pretty terrible. You should go into analyzing MLP in general. You'd make a killing out that. Hell, try and join Digibrony.I moustache you a question: do you have a pair of Scizors?

the one guy on the left

the one guy on the left #4 · Nov 28th, 2013 · · ·

Good story but to increase its emotional impact you should draw out the search aj DOES have more friends than just twilight and i happen to know for a fact if asked fluttershy would help look for applebloom same with rainbow dash now rarity might have been busy but she still would have helped and pinkie well she would probably do her pinkie magic and somehow knew where she was all along,still as i said good work just improve on it a little and i can easily see this getting approved for twilight's library.

lmagine

lmagine #5 · Nov 28th, 2013 · · ·

1. This fanfic was far too fast paced for me to care about the characters or the entire story.

2. As 3550291 said, the dialogue was very bland.

3. The grammar in some parts was not the best.

4. You know, you can always use "walk" rather than use "trot" all the time.

Bronze Gears

Bronze Gears #6 · Dec 1st, 2013 · · ·

So I was scrollin through your page... And BAM! never even saw this story! All together it was pretty interesting, for a quick little short story I surely durely did like it