• Member Since 29th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 17th, 2017



When Velvet Cream wins a contest, she is presented with a special camera that can do things that will change her life forever!

This is for ask-velvet-cream on tumblr for winning the contest! Sorry for the delay, but I hope you all enjoy the story!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

3542931 Definitely, I always go on look at other stories and compare, but i could never figure out how theirs was so good compared to mine :P thank you so much for the feedback, it's well appreciated!

Dialogue is a major problem here. Keep it to a minimum when alone. In addition, the dialogue is kinda cheesy, so I advise making your characters talk as little as possible until you improve a bit on that. Otherwise, good job!

Awesome story:pinkiehappy::ajsmug::rainbowlaugh:

Warning: A fair amount of criticism is present in this comment. If you're not one to take large amounts of criticism, then please ignore or delete this comment. If you read on, please note that this is all just my opinion, and you can do with my criticisms as you will. Also note that they are not meant to either insult or discourage you; they are meant only to provide suggestions on ways to improve your work.

I honestly found this to be both bland and confusing. I apologize if that seems harsh, but it's true. Rather than leave it at that, however, I'd like to talk about areas you can possibly improve upon, as well as point out good things you have in it.

My first issue with the story is the premise itself is jumbled. The contest states, "anypony who wishes to win a lifetime supply of desserts, please submit the entry form on page B6 via Equestrian Post to be entered with a chance to win." That's fine and all, but then the note in the winner's letter states,

P.S. Try taking pictures of food, it makes it twice as good!~

The camera duplicates food, right? If that's the case, then why was there a focus on desserts? Wouldn't an invention like that set a person for life in terms of food? Wouldn't that be a massive invention for ponykind? Using it specifically for desserts when it can be used to duplicate other foods doesn't seem to make sense as a focus. If the camera can duplicate any food, then why does it magnify only the fat in the food? And if it doesn't duplicate all foods, that fact should've received some sort of focus.

I can get behind the possibility of a camera being used to duplicate food, and it being a dangerous tool because it magnifies the effect enough to begin overfilling ponies, making them sick or worse. I can also get behind Velvet Cream eating a bunch of cake and fattening herself up... if there was an established characteristic of having a massive sweet tooth. I can imagine that she would let herself go after the training at the academy, and she would have a lot of cake and fatten up to ridiculous proportions. But I think for this to work, the sweet tooth needs to be established, and there needs to be a consideration for why an invention like that, one that can reproduce dessert/food, and make it better, isn't an everyday tool. That way, it will actually seem like it's meant to fall in her hooves, and she's the one in control (...well, at least as far as making the food).

I think there's another problem with Velvet Cream: she's not characterized enough for me to understand who she is. I don't mean developed, since she's an established character in an AskVelvetCream tumblr (which, I fully confess, I haven't read); nevertheless, I couldn't find a lot to latch on and learn about. She has a red coat, she has a cake/cherry cutie mark, and she may or may not have a desire to be the best at everything she does.

The red pony was like most young adult ponies in Cloudsdale; a swift, fit pegasus straight out of the Wonderbolts Academy (Please reread this. It sounds like most young adult pegasi in Cloudsdale went through the Wonderbolts Academy.). Velvet Cream was her name, and although she was accepted into the Academy, she was nowhere close to being one of the best. (From this, I'd assume she pushes herself to be the best, even though there isn't any melancholy here for me to actually get behind that.) This was the reason why (Also, in the future, consider replacing "why" with "that" in situations like these.) she decided to drop out. Now, she lived by herself in her own house in the floating city of Cloudsdale.

Getting back to characterization, please look at this section where she performs an activity related to her cutie mark.

Velvet trotted home, under the sun until she made it to her front door. Once inside, she decided to kill some time by making a cake; she didn't get her cutie mark in baking without a reason. Getting all the ingredients ready, she mixed them together in a large bowl and poured the batter into a round dish. When she finished that, she threw the cake in the oven to bake until it was done; about thirty minutes. (You summarize the preparation of a cake, which takes quite a bit of work, in two sentences. There's nothing here that characterizes her—no special materials she uses, no special actions she performs like whistling or humming or dancing, no adjustments to her setting to fit the baking scene.)

Velvet opened the oven door once the thirty minutes had elapsed. Her muzzle was greeted with the warmth of the oven and the aroma of the cake. Carefully, she took it out of the oven. The red pony placed the hot cake on a cooling rack, and let it sit so she could ice it. Until then, Velvet Cream had nothing to do (This makes it sound like she was engaged in the process of making the cake, but the way it's described makes it sound like reading out of a textbook; it's methodical, but without characterization). "Ugh..." Velvet let out a grunt of boredom as she fell onto her couch. She would've fallen asleep, if it wasn't for the unexpected knock at her door. "Huh, I wonder who that is."

The entire scene is mechanical and rushed. I think a lot more characterization, especially in moments when the character is engaged in an activity, will make the scene come alive a lot more.

Someone already said your dialogue needs improvement, and I agree; I think it's dull. I think one part, in particular, needs some focus.

~Congrats on winning the contest. We would like to present this amazing camera to you, the winner! Congratulations again!
P.S. Try taking pictures of food, it makes it twice as good!

"Huh, that's a weird way to end a letter. Anyways, let's check out the camera!"

That's really lacking any sort of energy that winning a contest would have. It doesn't explain what the contest was, nor how it will allow her to receive dessert for life, as the advertisement stated—putting that P.S. in there is nonsensical, since the original message needed to be addressed in the main form. I think things like this need some sort of pizzazz, as it is a contest; at the very least, it could do with an acknowledgement of who hosted the contest. The part after the letter doesn't acknowledge it either. She wants to win free dessert for life, and she gets a camera; I think she'd be a bit perplexed at that. I do think you should work on dialogue.

I've done quite a bit of criticizing, so I'll switch to something positive: the way you have your plot set up seems decent enough. Finding an advertisement in a newspaper, and adding that mystery with the "weight" in the application was good, and taking it to the Post Office was a smart move, although it definitely needed some comment from either Velvet or the Post Office Worker that would indicate that this was not a regular contest, or at the very least acknowledged why the contest was being held. Having her do something she likes and something that will be relevant to the plot while she's waiting is good; the part after that, the fattening, is pretty good as well. I think you mainly need to work on your descriptions and your dialogue, as well as making things fit together.

Switching back to criticism now: your setting could use some focus as well, although there are some good points about it.

"Ugh, it's so hot outside..." Complained a very sleepy and overheating Velvet, who finally made it to the Equestrian Post Office.

What does it matter that it's hot outside? She's making a cake, something that is hot, and she does this inside, so there's no point in mentioning it. It also doesn't change anything about how she proceeds while she's outside (another thing that can be attributed to lacking characterization).

She shifted her gaze from the closed door to the small box that now rested in the foyer of her house. "I should open this up in the kitchen[,]" Velvet though aloud, a habit she picked up by living on her own. She took hold of the ropes attached to all packages that allowed pegasi and earth ponies to pick up their parcels, and brought it to the most delicious smelling room in the house.

I'm alright with her opening her mail up in the kitchen while she's baking (that's some characterization, at least). Also, and this isn't talking about the paragraph above, I like how you mention the bed and how it changed as she grew, as well as mentioning it as a place of comfort both at the beginning and at the end. Although...

a loud crack was sent out that would be audible for miles.

I think that's ridiculous. But that could be just me.

Your prose could use a lot of work. I'd like to point out a few parts that seem particularly weird or bland:

Of course, she flipped the pages until she landed on B6. Spotting the form in the bottom corner of the page, it didn't ask for a lot of information. It included: name, address, type of pony, and weight. "That's strange, why would it ask for your weight? Oh well, it's not like it's a secret anyways..."

1. It didn't ask for a lot of information, but it "included" those things mentioned? Was there more to it? I think, if that's all you wanted, rewording it something like this would work better: "She spotted the form in the bottom corner of the page. It asked for her name, address, type of pony, and weight."
2. It's not a secret? Why would she say that? And why would she question why it's asking about her weight? Those two things don't go together for me (although they may go together for other people; don't completely take my word for this).
3. [Nitpick]I would find it more odd that it's asking for applicants' weight without asking for their height, as well.

Little did she know that she was lying to herself.

For me, at least, "lying to oneself" implies a denial of something. A phrase like "little did she know how wrong she was" would make me think that she didn't know this would run away from her.

As Velvet Cream finished her last bite, she licked her lips and hooves, and rubbed her belly. It had become slightly larger after she had consumed an entire cake. Other than that, her figure was pretty much the same [So it's just her belly that grew, right?] except a little extra padding on her behind [Well, then what was the point of mentioning that her figure was pretty much the same? Her belly and her behind changed, so it's not useful to say that she was basically the same].

"Ugh, all this fat on me is heavy! It's hard to move around now."

This isn't very personal, is it? Consider something like this: "Ugh, I feel so heavy! I can't move!" That makes it sound more immediate. What you have here sounds too explanatory.

All upon her body, she had rolls and rolls of squishy fat that could easily hide a filly from the outside world.

Why would people want to know that? This is superfluous description that doesn't fit with this story or the situation.

Your description of her changing form is nice.

In place of a slender pegasus who just dropped out of the Wonderbolts academy, an overweight red slob stood in her place. Her belly hung low enough to just barely graze the floor, and [she; leaving that out makes it sound like her belly accumulated rolls on its back] had accumulated a roll or two of back fat. Her widened plot and thicker thighs had caused Velvet to change her walking style into more of a waddle. Her face had large, chubby cheeks with a full double chin and a third clearly on its way. She had definitely gained over 100 pounds from the cakes.

Totally immobile, she laid [lay] upon her belly that took up the entire bed, and then some. Her appendages were being sucked into her fat as she continued to grow. Her plot had grown to immense proportions, her cake/cherry cutie mark stretched to new lengths. All upon her body, she had rolls and rolls of squishy fat that could easily hide a filly from the outside world. Her face was comfortable, completely supported by the multiple chins she had accumulated over the past few hours. Her cheeks were as puffy as ever, and resembled a chipmunk storing nuts in its cheeks to bring home.

I think these are good descriptions of her body. Although I will agree with what Megapone said about drawing out the process of fattening it up. The change from a 220-pound slob to a 4,000-pound immobile mare takes place between one paragraph; I think that's drastically rushing it. Details about the food she's eating (like what kind of frosting she put on her cake) would be nice, or how drastic each change is between snapshots. Some variety could be had as well, like having some milk with her cake, or having different flavors of cake. Describing her reaction to the taste of each cake—which, according to the winner's letter, makes it twice as good—would also help pad this along.

The ending was at least fitting for the character.

Overall, I still found the story to be bland, but it has its good points. The physical descriptions were nice, the plot was set up okay, and the setting was pretty good. This could use a lot of improvement. Characterization needs to come through, the setting needs to be utilized more, there should be more description and action, and making sure the plot fits together would take this a long way. I won't say a lot about the prose, since one becomes better at that through practice, but I will give these suggestions:

1. Watch out for phrases that are either redundant or tell nothing
2. Don't write stuff that contradicts what you've said before [pretty much the same, despite her larger behind]
3. Try making dialogue sound more natural and less textbooky
4. Watch out for descriptions that don't fit the story or the situation

As for spelling and grammar, again, that comes with time and practice. There was one other thing I hadn't pointed out in my examples: you mixed up you're and your in a line of dialogue. Not sure if that's common, but it may be worth noting.

I wish you the best of luck with your future stories!

3544365 I just want to let you know...

Thank you so bucking much! Not even being sarcastic, I needed this so much. I took a massive break in between writing the first and second half of writing the story (somewhere along the lines of 3 weeks) and a lot of information gets lost in that time such as the "lifetime of desserts" and the camera.

As for dialogue, I honestly knew it was going to be a challenge from the get-go. I probably should've excluded it from the story, but being used to a story with multiple characters, I found that I felt like it was manditory for my story. I'm 100% with you on the dialogue, it's complete trash and I must've been asleep when I wrote it. My own criticism to myself is to talk like I am the character, and write that down instead of whatever it was I was doing when I wrote this...

Believe it or not, when someone gives me a guideline to something, I tend to stick to it. So when FiMFiction gives me the guideline of >1000 words, I get a little intimidated even though I know I can easily get over 1000. So that's where the redundant statements come in, to increase the word count. Honestly, looking back at some of the statements, they were pretty useless and a waste of time. I'm glad you pointed that out so I can stop my bad habits in their tracks!

However, I do have a slight bit of defence to not make myself look so bad. With the "cracking of the bed that could be heard for miles" part, obviously it couldn't be heard for miles and I agree you are correct. However, I intended this part to be read as a hyperbole, not a literal statement. It might have made more sense to say light-years or something like that, just to get an understanding that it was an exaggeration, but what's done is done.

I should probably just retire by saying this but I tend to skip spell checking my work, which is why it's so easy to pick out mistakes. It's probably my biggest downfall, and the reason for my atrocious level of grammar. Another bad habit that has to be stopped.

Anyways I could go on for days about how I could fix things, but I believe I got the major stuff down. I want to personally thank you for taking your time to metaphorically beat me to my senses about my silly mistakes. Expect to see some changes with my writing style on my next story!

3544690 I'll be waiting eagerly. :trixieshiftright:

That was an amazing story Taco . When will you be making more ? I have to know your like a god when it comes to writing about fat ponies . :twilightsmile::rainbowdetermined2::pinkiesmile::duck::trollestia:

Came here just to say this:

You know what they say. . . the camera adds ten pounds!

I know it was a one shot, but can you please do some more on this story? It's amazing.
If you can't it's okay.. but this has always been one of my favorite shorts... :fluttershbad:

I imagine Celestial would probably be trying to steal the camera for her cakes.:rainbowlaugh:

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