• Member Since 24th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen September 13th

PrinceUniversa


PrinceUniversa here, just your normal average brony writing stories for fun, listening to music, seeing adorable pictures and whatnot :D

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This story is a sequel to Neo Fantasia: Lost Memories


As peace was rolling through Equestria, a new evil has emerged not from Equestria, but from another world ready to bring havoc across the land, it is up to Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy to fight this new evil alongside an unknown ally who wants to settle their battles once and for all.

Added the Gore tag because once you get to Chapter 7, things get a little gory.

Cover art made by johnjoseco, Cover Art

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 4 )

I'm going to be honest here. You have a long way to go with your studies on writing. It's okay, we've all been there. Here are somethings to think about. Sooo... where to start?

-First off, the title. You do not need to have "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" in there. When posted here, we already know what series you're writing about.

-Punctuation. Though I'm not the best with such myself, I can see that you have loads of run on sentences. You should really look into proper punctuation use yourself.

-Contradicting lines.
Example:

"Suffer and die or you'll be getting a painful dose of evil on you."

That character is basically saying "Suffer and die or I'll make you suffer." which doesn't make sense.

-Overuse.
Example:

As they continue, their magics are about to explode with them along, and noticing that their magics are about to cause an explosion, try to go away from the explosion but to no avail. They get caught in the explosion and are gone in an instant after the magic explosion ended.

One of the problems with this example is that here's waaaay too much use of the word 'explosion'. A rule of writing is that using the same word more than once in one sentence is normally too much. You can even use too much of the same word in a paragraph, like you're doing here with 'explosions'. You might wanna refer to a thesaurus to avoid such an issue.

-Practice showing over telling.
Example of telling:

the mysterious person walks around this creepy and dark forest. "This is too dark, might as well use an illumination spell to light the place." He lights the place with the spell.

Example of showing: The stallion squinted into the ever lasting veil of darkness before him, hardly able to make out even the shapes of the trees only a few paces away. After a heavy sigh and a few muttered incantations, a bright ball of magic formed over him and shed light over his immediate area.
Showing not only looks better, but it's a way of treating your reader as if he or she has an ounce of intelligence. You don't need to tell the reader why someone would ever want to cast a spell to see in the dark. You just need to show the moment.

There's a lot more for you to work on and think about, but this is as far as I'm going to go for now. Please, keep at writing and keep an open mind about focusing on bettering your skill.

Thanks on your opinion, I'll take your advice into consideration. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by PrinceUniversa deleted Jul 14th, 2014
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