In the sands of the San Palomino Desert sits Stable 12. Unopened for nearly 200 years, the Stable promises a wealth of arcane and technological discoveries to any who may find a way to pry out the secrets within. None know what is inside the Stable, or if its inhabitants yet live, but many have set out to find answers while none have returned.
Alright. I'll bite and be your first comment.
The present tense annoys me, especially if done wrong. But you're fairly decent at it, so I'll let it slide.
I liked the explorers of this adventure, but I feel as though they're all just the slightest bit too similar to one another. Adding some extra traits or quirks could've really helped.
The writing was passable, if plain at times, but I think that it fit the story for the most part.
Overall, this was a fairly good story - mostly in that it reminds me of the newer Fallout's exploration themes.
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Thank you for reading! I think I get what you're saying about the present tense. I've got something else coming up and I'll take your advice.
Although I could've done with a bit of description of the characters, I really enjoyed the story. Stable stories are my favorites, I think. Thanks for the good read!
Honestly, it strikes me as really dumb to go exploring a potentially derelict underground bunker without bringing lamps
If they were never taken down, chances are that was the last one there...
Well, at least it shows that the Overmare has remained alert even after all this
It says the SMS containment is "good", though... the other system said it was inactive
lol, haaarsh. He's telling her to her face he's already written her off
Gee, then maybe you should've, I dunno, planned for it? Like, before entering the underground death trap?
Do they even carry rad meters?
Mess is a real mess; you dun wanna go there
You seem to do this quite often. These things are really confusing. They aren't actually valid sentences. This one was a particularly confusing case, since "to lower" exists as verb, which made this construction completely gunk up my sentence parser
What's with that anyway? Last I checked, Stable-Tec died with the bombs...
And yet you forgot your flashlights!
(No, I'm not dropping it, lol. For someone claiming to specialize in Stables, that's plain dumb )
Huh, someone holed themselves up in here?
That computer remains surprisingly polite to people trying to break into it
Pfff. This is foreshadowing, isn't it? Whatever went wrong in this stable is most likely caused by horribly poor security
No, seriously. WTF is up with that?
Oh gods. More horribly opaque prompts
They never closed the Stable door though, did they?
Oh, shit. A Wastelander.
They're not the first she led down here, are they?
Oh. She's trying to free someone who was "contained" in there with the damned thing?
Pfff. A mural?
Whoo.
That was... intense, but not very satisfying. I mean, they never found out exactly what the megaspell was, they didn't disable it or anything, and they didn't even find out what was up with Emerald Haze. They just left it all.
Still, nice story
Remarks and corrections:
> I want to see what this Sugarcube is if it has it's own header.
Should be "[its] own header"
> Can y'all imagine what kind'a havok that'd wreak?
Should be "havoc".
> someone who ain't joining me
There's a double space after "someone".
> "I didn't work this hard to go back to Stable-Tec empty hooved,"
As equivalent of "empty-handed", which uses the singular form of "hand", that should be "empty-hoo[f]ed".
> unless you two want to continue sight seeing.
"sightseeing" is one word.
> Ah've been followin' ya'll
"ya'll" = "you'll" = "you will". You mean "you all", which, abbreviated, is "y'all", not "ya'll".
> My throat stitched up without so much as a scare.
I think that should be "scar".
Pretty good story!