Chapter 1: Rage against nature
To Equestria
Chapter 1: Rage against nature
It was a warm summer day in Austin, Texas. The type of weather that baseball is played best in, but the Achievement Hunters were playing their type of baseball.
“He shit his pants!!!” screamed Michael “Rage Quit” Jones, nearly pissing himself from laughing.
“False alarm guys, I’m clean,” Geoff said with a chuckle from all the chaos that had happen in few minutes before. Geoff and Gavin were doing a let’s play of MLB 2K12, which Gavin was quite rubbish at, when Geoff laugh so hard that he thought he had shit his pants. He was relieved that his fears were mere thoughts in his head.
“Did you shit your pants?” asked Gavin eager to know if he had mange to make his boss shit himself.
“No asshole,” Geoff said with a smile, “now will you get good at baseball so you won’t hit my daughter in the cheek again.” The week before Gavin had thrown his first baseball to Geoff daughter, Millie. Instead of Millie’s hands catching the smooth rubber ball, her cheek caught it instead.
After an Inning or two, our heroes were done. Getting the video and audio ready to be edited, Michael walked in eager to know if they were done.
“Are you dipshits almost done?” Michael said who was waiting to go out to Jersey Mikes for lunch.
“Yeah we just finished. I got absolutely mallard,” said Gavin with a look of a disappointment. He actually thought he would have won. All of sudden, there was a sizeable earthquake. It came with no warning what so ever.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!” screamed Michael thinking Gavin was messing with him again Gavin was well known for trolling people. Michael still remembers when Gavin burned down their Minecraft house with Michael still in it.
“GAVIN, WHAT DID YOU DO DIPSHIT!?!” yelled Michael, more scared than angry.
“I didn’t do anything Micoo, I swear!” Gavin said in a scared tone that resembled a Japanese school girl.
“Fuck, earthquake!” Geoff screamed in terror. Even the veteran that was brave enough to push a woman reporter aside to get in a tank to avoid napalm that was accidently fired during a training exercise, was scared that today was his day to die. In a room full of idiots, at least he’ll die in room with beer and video games, too.
“Quick, protect the equipment.” Jack said knowing that Burnie would have their ass if the equipment was destroyed, earthquake or not.
“FUCK THAT I’M OUT OF HERE.” Michael said running for the door. He would not die in this room with these idiots. If he was to die, he would die yelling at Gavin to hand him his shotgun to blow the head off the zombie eating his arm.
Before Michael could reach the door, Barbara was in there. Standing in the doorway was the office marketer, the pun master herself, Barbara Dunkelman.
“Burnie wanted me to tell ya’ll that only he can scream and rant about imaginary earthquakes,” Barbara said with no urgency at all.
“THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, IT’S A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE. WE ARE GOING TO DIE.” Michael said louder than any of his rage quit videos.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP MICHAEL,” came from the office across the hall, the office of Gus Sorola.
All of a sudden the earthquake stopped, leaving the achievement hunters wondering what happened.
“The fuck, it just stopped,” said Ray Narvaez Jr. who had been quiet this whole time. He was too busy trying to get his final achievement in Doom.
“Whatever the fuck ya’ll are doing. You need to stop. Burnie is pissed with all this noise plus the equipment in the back is damage. Burnie is giving ya’ll the rest of the day off because they’re going to cut into the wall to get to the wires to fix them.” Barbara said. Barbra walked back to the back to help with calling someone to cut into the wall.
“Okay guys let’s all just go home. I need to go home and think about what just happened.” Jack said heading out
Princess what should we do,” Twilight asked Celesia what should we do with the disaster that is to unfold.
“I do not know twilight. Nopony should know of this meeting. This is between you and me. We need to think of a solution to our problem. If you think of any think come to me and we will discuss it. I will do the same,” Celesia said in an uncertain tone. This was the first time Twilight ever heard the Princess so unsure on what to do. She could only hope that everything would be alright.
The Princess had said that there was going to be disaster. A villain was on his way to Equestria to destroy it once and for all. She did not know who it would be nor when it would be. All she did know was it would be worse than nightmare moon. She said it would hytomtise and cause chaos thought out Equestria. It would try to destroy Ponyville. It would not be the first time they seen it. It will be horrid.
Twilight teleported back to her library, she needed to think about what to do next.
“Hey, twilight where have you been, where have you been. I’ve looked everywhere for you. I looked at the library, Sugarcube Corner, Fluttershy cottage, sweet apple acres, rainbow dash house, even rarity’s boutique,” Spike said getting lovers eyes with that last one. Twilight knew she shouldn’t talk about this with any other pony or well dragon. ‘he my loyal assistant. He won’t tell anyone and he can help me think of what to do.’
“Spike can you keep a secret that you cannot tell anypony,” Twilight asked Spike staring deep into his eyes.
“Yes you can truth me as you would truth Applejack,” Spiked said staring back into twilights eyes.
“Well the princess told me not tell anypony but…..”
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Well this will be interesting
3529220 I am modeling my story after this story http://www.fimfiction.net/story/44880/achievement-hunter-in-equestria if you would like to read something in the mean time while I write the next chapter
Okay, let's start with the basics first:
1)This story is REALLLY rushed. So much has happened in a single chapter, it makes me face-palm...... Please try to figure out what happens before publishing.
2) You need some serious paragraphs here. I would suggest getting a Proof-reader, or at the very least, go over your story/chapter before publishing it; as if polishing.
3) Dialogue can need some polishing.
I was wondering if you read the guide that was provided on the Story Creation page. It would help you out so much. It's very easy to get a piece of paper, and write down notes to make everything in the story pretty darn good. The story idea overall I guess is Mmkay. It has been done over and over again.
I'm neutral right now. I'll wait til further chapters.
Adding to Read Later List.
3529249 I had to rush it because I am going to my moms and I do not have a computer over there that works, so I wanted to publish this so I can get some advice on the story before I leave. Plus I've only seen one of these so far and It wasn't even finished and I wanted more so I'm making more.
3529412 There's the problem right there. And that's the reason why the story is negative to the public right now...
An author never, under any circumstances, rushes his story. It would have been better to wait until you came back, but whatever you think. I don't run your author-life. Just some tips 'n such. Hopefully you'll learn something next time you write a story.
This will be interesting I am look forward to more.
This is funny, so I would be happy to see more, but a few pieces of advice.
Next time don't rush it, even if you're going to your moms (random sidequest moms as in place or multiple?). Upload it, when you're back from it. It gives you more time to think about it and maybe even make some improvements.
This chapter is a mess,
so clean it up a bit and then put it up again. Especially the part, when it switches from Human to Pony... you forgot something to separate that. So a proofreader or a prereader might be a good idea. Clicky for group
I also have to agree with airin6ixxx, your dialogues need a little improvement, but that will come with time and pratice. So just continue writing and it will improve.
The last thing is don't let yourself be "too" inspirited by someone else's work. I haven't read that story, so I can't say how similar they are.
I hope this helps you in a way. If you need help, feel free to send my a pm.
3531361 I have to go to my moms every other week and my computer doesn't work nor the internet is friendly to my computer. I am not good with dialogue, I making this story to help me with my dialogue and to get advice on how to improve.
3533235
I can say from personal experience, being not the oldest, but also not the newest writer, that this is just the part, where practice is the only real way of improving. Most authors have a different style of this and it's not wise to adapt a style as a beginner (in my opinion).
3533520 One of the things I've learned from writing this is never ever have a goal of getting a certain amount done. Just let it come as it does and let the heart write.
Yo, just to say, Geoff's stated he doesn't want his daughter involved in fan fictions. It's not too well known, but it has been stated. Maybe you could at least edit her name out?