First Blood
Twilight Sparkle enjoyed the silence that came with reading a good book. Sure, the weather and everything was fine, outside, but even with her new wings, she much preferred to stay inside and read.
Of course, not all of her friends shared her sentiment. Namely, Rainbow Dash thought that she should get out and stretch her wings as much as possible, which was why she just flew through the (thankfully open) window and smacked into a bookshelf.
"You really need to work on your entrances, Rainbow," Twilight said, not looking up from her book.
Dash shook her head. "I know, I know. But you shouldn't stay cooped up all day, Twilight. The weather's perfect for some flyin'!"
Twilight sighed. "As nice as it is, as a princess, I feel that it is my duty to read about any and all legends that may or may not pose a threat."
Dash looked over Twilight's shoulder, trying to read what she was reading. "Such as?"
"Well, this one talks about eight beings that supposedly fought evil thousands of years ago, and it says that they'll return someday, for example."
"Pfft, what are the chances of that happening?"
The princess gave her friend an unamused glare. "You remember how Nightmare Moon was 'just a legend', right?"
That got Dash to stay quiet.
"Exactly. Although, you're probably right." Yawning, Twilight closed the book. "Maybe I should go outside..."
"Oh yeah, the girls are having a picnic later in the park," Dash said, getting ready to fly back out the window.
Twilight nodded. "Yeah, a picnic sounds-" Suddenly, she put a hoof to her head, letting out a small groan of pain.
"What's wrong, Twilight?"
Just as soon as the sensation appeared, it vanished. "Oh, just a small headache. I think I was reading a bit too much..."
Now that she knew nothing was wrong, Dash flew out the window, Twilight following behind her. Today certainly seemed like it would be a great day.
Meanwhile, in a dark, narrow, and gloomy cave, footsteps were heard, breaking the perpetual silence that had been there for many years. Then, eight shadows emerged from the darkness.
“God damn, it! BJ! You sure you read right the map?” A soldier in a green armor asked to a guy wearing a very worn blue uniform.
“You gave me the map, and I read the map! What else you want me to do?”
“I want you to get us the hell outta here!”
“Ladies, ladies! You’re all pretty and everything. Could you stop it?” A man with sunglasses said.
“Screw you, Duke!”
The man walked toward a nearby rock, laughing, and sat down, lighting up a cigar.
“What are you doing, Duke?”
Duke took his time on lighting up the cigar to answer BJ’s question.
“… Obviously, you nerds are going to discuss our exact location, and that is BORING.”
“As boring as it can be, we must know where we are.” Another man wearing a medieval suit of armor stood in front of him. “However, a little fume sounds good. Mind if I join?”
“Sure thing bub. Here” The badass with sunglasses gave the medieval guy a cigar and lit it up, although he looked hesitant to try it.
The rest of the team showed up. The mage was the first one to speak.
“I think we should all try to remember which way we took.”
“You really think I can’t read a map, Corvus? What if I give YOU the map and YOU read it?” BJ turned to the mage.
“BJ, I don’t think that he even realizes what technology is.”
“And I do? This kind of technology is far more advanced of what I’m used to, Marine. In my time, the television has just started taking off."
“What is television?” Corvus asked while BJ gave the green armored soldier a confirming look.
“What is our exact location?” A cyborg-like man approached the group.
“That’s what we’re trying to find, Cyber.”
“Our location is required to advance further. Otherwise-“
“Otherwise, we won’t get anywhere, we know. You’ve been saying the same thing every hour.” BJ practically shouted.
“Hey, don’t shout. We don’t know what could be in here.” A man resembling the green armored soldier came in scene, this one wearing brownish armor.
“Then, what do you suggest, Ranger? We just sit in here and wait for our mommies to come here for us?” Duke asked from his stone seat.
“That’s not my point, Duke. YOU saw what we are facing. And it’s not like I’d like to die without seeing the land I'm defending one last time."
“None of us wants to, Ranger.” A man with armor that looked suspiciously like cereal approached him.
“Then, I recommend that we start moving and analyze our location in the meantime,” the cybernetic man suggested.
“Agreed,” they all answered while preparing to move forward.
After a few hours of getting lost a few times…
The crew was tired and pissed by the fact that they hadn’t found the way out of the endless tunnels. Once again, they sat down and started to look for clues regarding where they were.
“Oh, dammit, not again.” Duke said while sitting between two rocks.
“Shut up, Duke. We need to figure out where we are,” the marine pointed at him.
“… According to the map… we are…” BJ started to say.
“… Completely lost?” Chex went ahead of the group while eying the surroundings.
“… Yeah… completely FUCKING LOST!” BJ shouted.
“Hey, man! Relax!” Duke gestured to BJ.
“RELAX!? RELAX!? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO RELAX? I DON’T KNOW WHERE WE ARE! STILL, YOU WANT ME TO RELAX!?”
“… yeah…”
BJ, angered, sat in the floor with the expression of a disciplined kid.
“Hey, guys! I can see a light!”
“Daylight?”
“Yeah! Come to see!”
The group went quickly to meet up with Chex. When they stood behind him, they saw he was right: there was daylight coming from the far end of the tunnel.
Without a moment to lose, they ran to the end of the tunnel, where the sun blinded them for a few seconds.
Looking around, they saw the green plains, trees in the far side of the field and a river flowing not too far from them.
“… Home.” Ranger said, mesmerized by the sight in front of him.
“Hey, looks like ol’ cereal man finally pulled through for us!” the marine said, smirking under his helmet.
Chex folded his arms. “So, I am inferior for not killing anything that moves like you people?”
The group all looked at each other, then back at Chex.
“...kinda.”
“Yeah.”
“Pretty much.”
Chex threw up his arms. “Unbelievable, all of you.”
The group didn’t waste any time in getting to the river. They hadn’t tasted the flavor of fresh water in what seemed like months. Even Cyber, in his typical demeanor of a cybernetic man, seemed to enjoy the place.
After drinking some water, they went in a search for food. They spotted a few trees and bushes near them. Quickly, they went over to them.
“Wait!” Cyber suddenly shouted.
“What’s up, Cyber?”
“I am reading bio-signs.”
For a few seconds, nobody made a move, trying to connect the points. Suddenly, they realized what Cyber was saying. The group got in a defensive stance, scanning the area around them.
Suddenly, a sound could be heard over the river. Listening closely, the warriors tried to get a good listen.
“...is that…?” Parias asked, tilting his head in confusion. By now, the sound was identified as laughter, of all things, not too far away.
Duke shoved his way to the front of the group, cracking his neck and stomping out his cigar. “That sounds like babes,” he told them, “and since it’s been a while since I’ve seen any, I’ll take the honor of being first.”
With that, Duke strode towards the laughing. The other seven looked at each other confusedly, before shrugging and following the tank-top wearing man.
Up ahead, they could hear Duke. “Now, now, calm down, ladies, the Duke is… You’re not babes.”
Hearing this, the others stopped just short of where they heard their comrade, weapons now at the ready.
“Stay alert!” Marine whispered to the others. “When I say, blow them up!”
The seven of them got into offensive stances.
“Three…” Parias started the countdown, pulling out a war hammer.
“Two…” Ranger followed him, unholstering a rocket launcher.
“One…” Chex came along, too, arming himself with one of his “zorchers”.
“Shoot-!” Marine almost gave the order. Almost.
He didn’t quite follow through with it because a group of three horses were in the clearing ahead of them, a confused Duke standing in front of them. One of the ponies was a mint color with white mane, one was a gray one with black hair, and the other was a lighter gray one with yellow hair. Most notably, the green one had a horn, the light gray one had wings, and they all had some kind of markings on their backsides. When the ponies saw them, their jaws dropped even further. Duke glanced back at them, shrugging, showing that their guess was as good as his.
“… horses?” Ranger was the first one to ask in a hushed whisper.
“That’s what they look like.” Corvus assured him, “but these seem… smaller. And I’m all but certain that one is a unicorn and the other a pegasus.”
“...so, do we kill ‘em?” Marine asked.
“What?” Chex asked, dumbfounded. “Why would we kill them? For all we know, they’re harmless!”
“‘For all we know,’” BJ said back. “But Chex has a point. They look kinda harmless.”
Their bickering stopped, and silence filled the clearing. The eight looked at each other, before Cyber shrugged and walked forward. “Greetings, equine life forms. We are-”
He was cut off as the ponies screamed loudly, and ran away, leaving behind what looked like a picnic of sorts.
“… I didn’t know horses could shout,” Duke remarked. “They just do… horse noises.” His face showed nothing but confusion.
“Actually, they seem more like ponies than horses,” BJ said. “They’re smaller, after all.”
While the group was discussing about the why those ponies could vocalize distress, the ponies suddenly came sprinting back into the clearing, still screaming. They almost ran into the humans, and upon stopping and getting a good look at them, screamed some more in place.
“Alright, everyone calm the fuck down!” Marine shouted, firing a single shot from his shotgun into the air. “What the hell are you yelling about?!”
Before the ponies could answer, a loud roar erupted throughout the forest. From where the ponies came from, a large reptilian creature flew towards the eight warriors and three ponies. The dragon landed, letting out another ear-piercing roar at the eleven of them. The ponies began screaming again, hugging each other close.
The warriors, meanwhile, put themselves between the ponies and the dragon, drawing their weapons of choice.
“A dragon? Here?” Corvus asked.
“It seems so,” Parias confirmed.
“We kick its ass like everything else?” Marine inquired, loading his shotgun.
The dragon roared again and spit out a large stream of fire at them. While the ponies started to run as far as they could, the warriors stood in place. The fire was mainly heading towards Duke and BJ. The latter merely put one foot behind him and stepped back, facing Duke, letting the fire pass just in front of him.
Duke, meanwhile, merely stood a few inches to the side. When the flames passed next to him, he took out a cigar and lit it with the passing fire.
“Hell, I don’t see why not,” Duke answered, now smoking another cigar and pumping his own shotgun. The dragon roared again, and the eight went into action.
The group instantly fired all their weapons. Each one of them hit the dragon directly, making a thick cloud of smoke between them and the reptile.
They started to walk forward, in order to make sure that the dragon was dead.
“Is it… dead?” Corvus asked.
Duke got closer to the dragon and touched it lightly with his shotgun. As the dragon didn’t made any sound or any kind of reaction, Duke climbed over the dragon’s head. Once there, he got in a heroic (and also ridiculous) stance.
“Hail to the king, ba–woah!” He couldn’t finish the phrase, for the dragon started to move again.
“I was already thinking that it was far too simple.” Ranger said while pointing his rocket launcher at the dragon.
“Duke! Get off of that thing!”
Duke could barely hold his “heroic” position. The dragon suddenly jerking its head forced him to grab onto anything he could. He saw the eye of the dragon not too far from where he was hanging on.
Parias took notice of this. “Marine! His eye!”
The marine pulled out, from his personal hammer space, a rocket launcher, and pointed toward the beast’s eye.
“Hey, Ranger. I could use a little help.”
“Sure thing, Marine.”
It was difficult to aim, because the dragon was trying to shake off Duke, who was holding desperately to one of the dragon’s horns.
“Feel free to shoot any time!” Duke’s yells could be heard even over the dragon’s roars.
Ranger took his position next to Marine, ready to pump rockets into the beast’s head.
“FIRE!”
The two shot their rockets at the same time. Their aim was mostly good, but the dragon jerked its head away in time to make the rockets hit its chin, rather than its eyes. The sudden motion threw Duke off, who immediately rolled back onto his feet and picked his shotgun back up.
“Well, that didn’t work,” Ranger commented plainly.
“No shit,” Marine said back, thinking about what they could do, since their weapons didn’t seem to be able to penetrate the dragon’s scales; bullets simply bounced off, and explosives seemed to have little effect.
Unknown to the eight of them, the ponies had run away long ago.
Suddenly, Marine snapped his fingers. “I got an idea!” He turned to Corvus. “You have some kind of heat-shield spell or something?”
The mage dodged another jet of flame before answering, “Yes, but why?”
“I just got a crazy idea. Cast it on me, then put some kind of strength spell on Duke.”
Duke, who had overheard, commented, “The Duke doesn’t need magic to skin this lizard!”
Despite his outburst, Corvus backed up from the field of battle, concentrating on casting a pair of spells. The other seven kept the dragon distracted.
After about thirty seconds of dodging fire and returning their own, Corvus called out, “Marine, Duke, it is ready!”
The two warriors in question backed up to where Corvus was, and the mage started casting two different spells on the both of them with each hand. Marine was now shielded by a deep blue aura, and Duke had his muscle mass nearly doubled.
“Alright, Parias!” Marine called out, getting the attention of the cleric. “Make him open his mouth!”
It didn’t take long to figure out the marine’s plan. “Art thou completely insane?”
“Of course!”
Rolling his eyes underneath his helmet, Parias took out his magic war hammer and sprinted forward before slamming it down on the dragon’s claw, and it roared out in anger and pain. Seeing their chance, Duke picked up Marine, and with a deep yell, threw him like a pitcher would throw a baseball. In mid-air, the marine took out his chainsaw, giving a war cry the entire flight.
The marine flew into the dragon’s mouth, and it closed it shortly after. When nothing happened, the remaining seven all looked at each other. Even the dragon seemed a bit puzzled by what just happened.
After a few seconds, BJ clapped his hands. “Alright, what’s plan B?”
Suddenly, a faint buzzing could be heard, and the dragon started grasping at its neck. A single chainsaw blade then burst forth from its throat, sending broken bits of scales to the ground. The trauma from the initial puncture loosened the others on its neck, and the chainsaw quickly made a full circle around the dragon’s throat. Then, with a single kick, Marine burst from the beast’s neck, sending its severed head tumbling to the ground. He was covered in purple blood, and the others could still see the blue of the heat shield underneath.
“I FUCKING LOVE MY JOB!” the marine shouted, cutting himself the rest of the way out of the dragon’s carcass. After wiping off a good portion of the blood, he turned and gave a thumbs up to the others, running chainsaw still in his other hand.
“This is the first dragon we’ve killed, right?” Ranger asked, looking to the others, namely Corvus and Parias, for confirmation. After a bit of thinking, they both nodded.
“I think this is a new record for you, Marine,” Chex deadpanned.
“What, for biggest ass kicked?”
“No, for sheer insanity.”
Marine thought this over for a bit, then just shrugged. As Chex face-palmed, Duke walked over to the dragon’s head, magic muscles still on him.
“What’re ya looking for, Duke?” BJ asked.
“I’m wondering if I could make a belt or something out of these scales…”
This got the others chuckling, and soon Corvus’s magic wore off, and Marine had gotten most of the blood off of himself.
“Wait, what happened to those horses?” Duke asked after a while.
“I suspect they left early on while we were fighting,” Cyber said. “My sensors show that they went…” He pointed in a direction. “...that way.”
“Do we follow them?” Corvus asked.
“I don’t see why not,” Ranger said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
As soon as that was said, all eyes fell on Marine. “What?”
“You probably shouldn’t be the one to speak for us,” Chex said simply. The others quietly murmured in agreement.
“Come on, what would I do?”
“Correct me if I’m wrong,” BJ started, “but didn’t you tell those last aliens we met, and I quote, ‘The only negotiations I’m gonna make is the ones between my fists and your guts’?”
“...point taken.”
Now with a vague plan of action in mind, the eight warriors strode forth into the unknown, leaving behind the dragon corpse. If their arrival was anything to go by, this would be one hell of a trip.
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The only defense against these monsters is a low wall they can't walk/run over.
Crossover with shooters from the 90's GO! God, the nostalgia...
Though, point of errata: Parias doesn't have a hammer. His melee weapon is a mace.
mobygames.com/images/shots/l/614746-hexen-beyond-heretic-dos-screenshot-mace-vs-mace-fair-duel.png
Remember?
3529112 You're twisted and cruel, you know that, right?
3529815
In the mod, he can use a hammer as a rocket launcher equivalent.
He throws it in the mod, but eeeeeh.
Chexguy is finally in a crossover? The obscureness, it is Glorious, it is awe taken corporeal form! Good sir, you must feature Chexguy more!
Wolfenstein?
Doom?
Duke Nukem?
Marathon?
Quake?
Hexen?
Heretic?
Chex Quest?
All in one crossover?
You, sir, are a motherf*cking genius
Awesome!
Hijinkes ensue? More like shitstorm for equestria.
Dude!!!!!!!
Tell BJ comes from 2009 wolfenstein and he gots the black sun's super powers and the Nazi black sun energy Wunderwaffen weapons!! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
More of this shit.
Now.
3532408 No were using the classics only
3534783 Sabban shut the fuck up before i stomp you on steam
HELL YA! THIS IS GONNA BE AWSOME!!!!!!!!
That chainsaw through the dragons neck is a "RULES OF NATURE!" moment.
3529112
I remember getting so pissed at that... Then I remembered that in the version I was playing, you could jump.
Ah I remember Chexman! I once spent three hours using his friggen spoon of doom to zorch green slimeballs....At the end of the day I figured out where all his weapons where! This before I could indulge the internet and find them...zorch! glowing spoon of doom!
no matter what i do, i always end up on one of your stories
BJ Blazkowicz III, (Doomguy/William) "No."
"THIS IS WHY HELL FEARS ME!!!!"