Whiskey Lullaby

by Smitty91

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Not too long after the party, Rarity went to TwIlight's, asking if she could borrow the photo album that Sweetie Belle had made her. Thankfully, Twilight had no problems with letting her borrow it, especially since it was her sister who had made it in the first place.

Later that evening, with a glass of sweet tea, Rarity sat in bed looking through the album. Like Twilight, she was impressed by how much effort her sister had put into Spike's page. Just like Twilight, she was more than convinced that her little sister and Spike had a thing for each other. This brought forth thoughts of what would have happened had Spike not killed himself and if her little sister had admitted her feelings for the little dragon. Maybe things would have turned out differently. If she had rejected him, then common sense told her that her little sister would have confessed her feelings for him and the two of them may have started dating and become mates. She actually approved of the idea. Now that he was gone, that idea would never see fruition.

By now her little sister was in bed. The two of them had spent the rest of the day together after the party, Rarity complimenting her on a job well done in terms of how well the photo album had turned out. Even now, she was still impressed with the various angles and the clarity that the pictures were shot in. Her little sister may just have found her calling in photography. Or her calling may have been in singing. She was very good at that. Rarity knew that from personal experience. She chuckled, knowing that her little sister didn't realize that Rarity could clearly hear her singing in the shower.

It was well past midnight by the time she closed the photo album and put it away. Sighing, she lied down, pulling her covers up to her neck and turning on her side to go to sleep, making sure that she had her mask on before finally drifting off to sleep.

***

“No, this can’t be happening!” Spike yelled as he watched something dark surround Rarity like a whirlwind. It was his nightmare. Everything the darkness touched had turned into a twilight reality of what was once their home. The trees were becoming dead and hard as stone as the grass was replaced with a cold rough terrain. The sun was gone and replaced with a gray and stormy sky so that not even the stars and moon were visible. Their home had become a wasteland, even worse; there was no sign of everypony else anywhere. It was just Rarity, Spike, and the dark. Rarity suddenly collapsed to the ground in front of him.

“Rarity! Rarity, hang on, I’m here. Just hang on . . .” Spike felt as if he could stand up and resist the gusts of wind coming out of nowhere but only ended up falling on Rarity in attempting to do so. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Spike asked as he slowly got back to his feet.

Rarity twitched slightly and began to get up slowly as well. “Spike . . ., I . . . I’m sorry, but . . . you did this . . .” the mare mumbled under her breath as she stared at the ground.

Spike felt something sharp hit him in the chest but couldn’t see what it was; it was an invisible pain coming from within him. He began to breathe heavily, trying to gasp for air as Rarity began to hold his hand tight.

“Spike, what’s wrong? Is your chest hurting? Please, tell me. Why? Why is your chest hurting?” To Spike, Rarity looked bizarre. Her face kept distorting in weird ways as she talked to Spike.

“I can't tell you, Rarity,” Spike whispered

“Why?” Rarity replied in a soft tone “Are you afraid? Are you afraid of me?”

“No, I’m not afraid of you, but I . . . I . . .” Spike was stopped by Rarity, who held Spike's hand tight, rather painfully.

Rarity looked deeply at him and whispered, “Spike, do . . . do you love me?” in his ear, which caused Spike to shiver. She smiled. “I think I know what’s wrong now.” She pointed at Spike’s chest. “Your chest is hurting, Spike. Do you know why?”

Spike looked down at his chest and was terrified at what he saw happening. His chest was bleeding slowly and his purple skin was becoming stained. What happened next freaked him out even more; Rarity lunged at Spike and sunk her canine teeth deep into his shoulder. After a few seconds, she pulled away and began licking the wounds

“Do you still love me?” Rarity said as a lightning bolt scorched the sky. When the lightning stopped, Spike noticed Rarity was gone and the trees and sky were normal.

***

Rarity bolted up in bed, gripping her head in her hooves, breathing heavily. Ugh! Where had that come from? Surely it couldn't be due to her guilt over Spike's death, could it? Oh, why was she feeling so guilty about this?! Twilight herself had said that it wasn't her fault that Spike had killed himself. It made no logical sense whatsoever. If she wasn't at fault for Spike's demise, then she shouldn't have been feeling guilty regarding it. Yet, here she was, having constant nightmares about him dying and her being the pony behind it all. What was wrong with her?!

Now, back to sleep, she thought as he fluffed his pillow. I don't even need to be worrying about this at the moment. A dream like that is best forgotten, I don’t need that keeping me down when I have something more important to worry about. This will all be fixed soon enough and then I can live normally for a change. Still, I have a funny feeling about all of it. Ahh, what am I saying! I need to sleep, that’s all. Just think of . . . sheep! Or something else that is just as boring. Okay, let’s try grass; it’s green and smooth and it tastes like wet plastic. It's soft just like him.

Resting her head on her pillow with her eyes cast upward towards the ceiling and her hooves folded on her stomach, she recalled the memory of Spike kissing her. Unfortunately, this did nothing but send a tingle throughout her entire body. Not only that, but it also woke her up completely. Great, as if I couldn’t sleep already I definitely can’t now. Why is this keeping me up? It was only a dream, and then it was only a kiss, a kiss with Spike, that is. A kiss with Spike. Oh, jeez, this is going to be a long night and an even longer morning.

Damn it all! She slammed a hoof down on her bed in frustration. This was ridiculous! Fed up, she got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Opening up the medicine cabinet, she scanned the shelves that held various bottles of medicine. She had the medicine cabinet high enough to where Sweetie Belle couldn't reach it, for fear that her little sister would overdose. She shook her head at this. Sweetie Belle was smarter than that. Then again, it was because of Sweetie Belle that she and her friends got in so much trouble. Sad as it was to say, her little sister wasn't too bright when it came to planning things out and thinking ahead.

She hovered a bottle of pills over to her and examined it. Sleeping tablets, just what she needed. She fetched a glass from the kitchen and took the prescribed number of pills with some water. It would take a while for the effect of the medicine to kick in. Though, she found it absurd that she was having to resort to taking pills just to get a good night's rest. She just hoped that she didn't become addicted to them. Some medicines, she'd been told, could be habit-forming, so she had to be extra careful not to become dependent on the drugs. Otherwise, she'd be in worse shape than she already was.

It was back to bed for her after she exited the bathroom. She collapsed on her bed, putting her mask back over her face, and turning on her side to go to sleep. Hopefully, the medicine would ensure that she had a more peaceful night than she had been having as of late.

***

Rarity's life quickly fell into a dull routine. Instead of working or going out and spending time with her friends, she would sit in her room and look through Sweetie Belle's photo album, downing chocolates and cartons of ice cream, along with a healthy dose of alcohol. At this point, she didn't much care for how big her stomach got. She was too depressed to care.

She quickly came to the realization that she needed to be with him, to receive some closure from this whole hellish experience. She couldn't be with him, no matter how much she wanted it. She could never be do that to Sweetie Belle. The poor filly had already been through enough, losing one of her closest friends. To lose her big sister would be detrimental. No, she could never do that to Sweetie Belle. Where was she supposed to go? Sure, one of her friends would gladly take her in. Given that she was such good friends with Apple Bloom, and the Apples had embraced Pinkie Pie so warmly, there was little to no doubt in her mind that Applejack would have no problems whatsoever with taking Sweetie Belle in. Even if that were to happen, Rarity just couldn't bring herself to do something like that, especially when she and her little sister were on such good terms.

Oh, but the urge to fight the idea was becoming harder and harder as the days wore on. She was constantly going through the pros and cons in her head, day after day. On the one hoof, she would no longer have to suffer through any pain or misery. She would finally be free from the heartache, all of the pain and mental anguish that she was going through. On the other hoof, to find out her big sister was dead at such a young age would kill Sweetie Belle. Rarity was actually surprised that her little sister was handling Spike's death better than she was. Then again, that was probably because Sweetie Belle hadn't been the one to find him dead, nor was she the reason why he had killed himself.

Daily, she would have a mental battle with her rational side and her emotional side. Her rational side said, “No, you can't do that to poor Sweetie Belle, not after all you two have been through. Your relationship with her is just getting good. Why put her through the same pain and anguish that you're in right now just because you see no other way out?” Whereas her emotional side said, “Oh, it's okay, Rarity. She'll find somewhere else to live. It's not like she has no where else to go. Besides, you're in such pain. Nothing is working for you. You've tried eating your feelings. You've tried numbing your feelings with alcohol. What else is there? Why go through all this mental and emotional tortue day in and day out? Why not end it all now so that you can be with Spike again and finally end your terrine?

She went back and forth, back and forth, always with indecision. It was a battle that she just couldn't win, no matter which side she chose. She wanted to be free of the pain that she was going through, but she could never bring herself to commit suicide just to free herself, thus putting Sweetie Belle in a hard position about where she would go and who would take care of her.

She finally decided to buck up and go see if Applejack could help her. Being the Element of Honesty, the farm pony would give her a straight answer as to what she should do about her dilemma.

Applejack was busy bucking trees when she arrived at Sweet Apple Acres. Seeing that her friend was busy, she contemplated simply turning around and coming back at a later time when Applejack wasn't so busy. Just as she was turning, she heard Applejack bellow out, “Howdy, Rarity! What are you doing here?!” There was no backing out now. Putting on a brave face, she turned and walked up to the farm pony.

“What brings you here?” Applejack repeated.

Rarity sighed and decided to just go ahead and not pull any punches. “I'm in a bad place, Applejack.”

Applejack blinked. “Do what?”

“I don't know what to do. I'm feeling really terrible about myself. No matter what, I'm constantly feeling guilty about Spike's passing.”

“Do ya believe ya had something to do with it?”

Rarity nodded. “Indeed, I do. I dream about it. I'm constantly thinking about it. Oh!” She stomped her hoof in frustration. “I'm so stressed and depressed that I think I might do something drastic.”

It was at this point that Applejack started getting worried. “Sugarcube, Ah recommend ya go see Twilight. These negative thoughts aren't good for ya to be havin'. A good talking to Twilight might do ya some good. She's been helpin' the rest of us out with copin' with this sort of thing. It really gives you a good feeling afterwards.” Her face became very serious. “Yer not thinkin' of suicide, are ya?”

She couldn't help it. She broke down in tears and fell down at Applejack's hooves, beginning to hyperventilate. She was so upset that she barely felt Applejack pull her into a tight hug. She began to calm down when Applejack began to rub her back affectionately.

“Oh, sugarcube,” Applejack spoke softly. “Ah know what yer going through. Believe me, we all feel a little guilty about him passing away. Ah think that deep down, we all knew that something was bothering him, but none of us bothered to talk to him about it. So, in a way, we're all a little guilty.”

“But you're not the reason why he killed himself.”

“Honey, does this have anything to do with you rejecting him?”

Slowly, Rarity nodded. “You know how he is. He has severe self-esteem issues. Me rejecting him probably was what did him in. You know how much he adored me.” She shook her head, burying her face in Applejack's chest. “Maybe he felt like nothing in his life was going right, so I guess he figured that there was no point in living.”

Applejack gave a soft chuckle. “He adored all of us, Rarity, not just you. He practically worshipped the ground that Twilight walked on. You couldn't separate that boy from her hip even with a spatula. The two of them were pretty much inseparable. Anypony would have a hard time getting them to spend any amount o' time away from each other.”

“I . . . I suppose you're right.” Sighing, she pulled away from Applejack.

“Like Ah said, Ah think it'd be a good idea if you talked to Twilight. Ya clearly have some questions that need answerin'. Maybe she's the key to ya getting the answers you need.”

For the first time in their whole confrontation, Rarity smiled. Sure, it was a small one, but it was a smile nonetheless. “Thank you, Applejack. I just might do that.”

Applejack smiled back. “Anytime, partner. Now,” she turned Rarity around and patted her rump, “get goin', would ya? I got some more trees to buck.”

“R-Right,” Rarity replied, feeling slightly uncomfortable that Applejack had actually touched her plot. Even so, she shrugged it off and made her way towards Ponyville.

***

“How have you been doing?” Rarity asked Twilight upon entering the library.

“I've been doing better,” Twilight stated. She closed the door and followed Rarity to the kitchen. She went ahead and poured two cups of sweet tea, giving one to Rarity. “What about you?” She took a sip. “How have you been?”

Rarity shook her head. “Not so good, Twilight.” She groaned and held her head in her hooves. “I feel like I'm going insane from delusion or depression or . . . I don't know what. I tried talking to Applejack and she said I should talk to you.”

Twilight smiled. “I have been able to help the others in coping with what's happened recently.” She sighed and looked down, her face suddenly falling. “It's hard to believe it's been a month since it happened.”

“But it feels like a year.”

Twilight nodded in agreement. “That's true. Thankfully, I've been able to keep my mind off it by reading and keeping up with my studies.”

Rarity said nothing to this, choosing instead to take a sip of her tea, licking her lips as the sweet beverage lingered on her tongue. She cleared her throat. “What about the ohters? How have they been coping with it?” She sighed dejectedly. “It feels like I'm the only one who's really struggling with this.”

“You're not. Believe me, we all are, but we've been relying on each other to help us through it. When was the last time you talked to me or any one of our friends?”

Rarity had to stop and ponder over this question for a moment or two before finally stating, “Not since your party.”

Twilight reached across the table and gingerly patted Rarity's hoof, taking the white unicorn off guard. “I would encourage you to talk more. It helps, as I'm sure most of our friends will tell you. You should try to make it a mission each week to come over and talk to me. If not me, then somepony else, like Applejack or Fluttershy.” She smiled. “If you do that, then I guarantee you'll start to make real progress.”

Rarity nodded, taking another drink. “Maybe.”

“I'm available now if you'd like to talk.”

“I just might take you up on that offer.”

***

Throughout the following weeks, Rarity discovered that her sessions with Twilight were actually starting to have an effect on her. A positive effect, in fact. Not too long after her latest session with Twilight, she started work on the orders that she had to fill, leaving a note with each order. She apologized for the delay, stating that she had been going through some personal issues. Hence, why the orders were so late on being filled.

Little by little, she began to regain her sanity. It had taken a while, but she had finally gotten her sleeping schedule down to where it was normal again. Reading Spike's diary just before going to bed seemed to have an aid in this department. One thing that she was happy about that she was no longer having any dreadful nightmares about the little dragon that had stolen her heart. Of course, she still dreamed about him. After all, he had been one of her closest friends and one of her biggest supporters.

With the bits she collected from filling her orders, she was able to repair most of the damage done to the kitchen. She smiled to herself, knowing that she couldn't blame Sweetie Belle for it this time. She allowed her little sister and her friends to help out with picking out the color for the new kitchen and help her paint it. She would have asked her own friends to help out, but they were all busy doing their own things.

Despite how well her life had improved (she couldn't remember being this happy before or since Spike's death), Rarity was still drinking heavily. She couldn't deny it. She had become dependent on it. She felt as if she couldn't get through a day without at least a few shots of hard cider. She even found herself adding alcohol to any beverage she had, whether it be milk or punch.

She seemed to have a very strong fondness for Applejack's cider. However, this came as no surprise to nopony, as the Apples were quite famous for their cider. Folks all over Ponyville and Equestria over would camp out for days on end just to make sure that they were the first ones in line to get a mug of cider from Applejack and the rest of the Apple family. She found herself going to Rainbow Dash's residence often, given the machine that Applejack had given the latter. The two of them would sit and talk for hours on end and watch as the mugs of cider piled up on the coffee table. Being the opposite of Rarity, Rainbow Dash would lie on her side against the backrest of the couch with her head resting on a hoof while she drank her cider with the other. Rarity, in complete contrast to Rainbow Dash, would simply sit on her haunches, facing the coffee table. She would turn her head to address Rainbow Dash. Other than that and drinking from her mug, her body didn't move.

Rainbow Dash circled a hoof around her mug, looking down. Her eyes darted across the room, doing everything she could to avoid eye contact with Rarity. Her rose-colored eyes finally landed on Rarity's sapphire blue ones and she cleared her throat. “Hey, Rarity?” Said pony looked at her. “About Spike killing himself . . ., you don't think he did it because of me, do you?”

Rarity blinked. “Whatever do you mean, darling?”

Rainbow Dash swallowed. “Well, it's just . . .” She rubbed the back of her head and once again looked down. She looked over at Rarity out of the corner of her eye. “You know how I was teasing him about not being a 'real dragon?'” She bent her hooves. “You don't think that got to him more than he let on, do you? He knew that I was just teasing, right?”

Rarity smiled. Leaning forward, she placed a hoof on Rainbow Dash's chest. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, darling. You shouldn't be blaming yourself for something you had no control over.”

“Still,” her voice cracked, “if I'd just been nicer to him–”

“Hush, now! It's not your fault or nopony else's fault! Things like that are nopony's fault! It just happens.”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “I-I know. I just . . . can't help but feel a little guilty. All those times I teased him and . . .” She sighed. “I'm a terrible friend.”

“No, you're not. There's nothing wrong with a little gentle poking every now and then. You did nothing wrong. You were just playing with him, that's all, and he knew that.”

“If he did, then why did he run off to join the dragon migration the very next day?”

Rarity scooted back a little. “Rainbow Dash, you can't expect him to grow up among us and not wonder who his real parents are,
where he came from. Any adopted child would have questions like that.”

“I suppose you're right.” She smiled. “But what about you? How are you holding up since the party?”

“I'm doing much better, thank you for asking.” She nodded. “Yeah, I'm back at work, filling orders, and making money. I think things are pretty much back to normal.”

Rainbow Dash beamed. “That's great, Rarity!” She gently shoved the unicorn with a hoof. “Looks like you're finally getting back on your hooves, huh?”

Rarity nodded. “Yeah, I suppose so.”

Comments

[nodamnbrakes]

I don't like that song very much